Today I die.
I am not saying it as a joke, neither as a threat of suicide, also because it is not at all my intention, nothing of the sort.
No, it is a real and serious affirmation, a thing said with the utmost certainty, something innegable, today I die.
Without contest this may sound something strange, maybe even absurd. To be so sure of dying one day. The only logic explanation could be a threat of suicide, but instead, everything I feel now is absurd, and everything I say sounds strange, weird.
So… It’s better if I explain.
Since my childhood, since my first memories, I possessed a power, unique and inimitable, one of those powers so uncommon, one that I could not prove existed, a power that no one could have believed I had just for how useless it was: since I was a child I had a counter on my head, the painful consciousness ingrained in my mind, I had the exact date… The exact day in which I would have died.
The 27th of February, at exactly midnight, not a minute after, not a minute before. And now, at this moment, it’s the 27th of February, at exactly 6 o’ clock. So, I have exactly 18 hours left before my death.
I don’t know how I will die, I only know when. I don’t know where I will die, I only know when. The only thing I know is that today I die, and I can't do absolutely anything about it. My time has come and I can't do anything, since I comprehended about my power I feared for this day. I feared its arrival more than anything else in the world, and now that it has arrived, now… Now I don't know how to feel about it.
I want to scream, but I can't: I am the only person that knows that I am dying. No one else knows.
The particular thing about this power is that I am the only one seeing this counter, I am the only one who knows that I am dying today, no one else knows.
I don’t know when others will die, I don’t know, I only know when I die.
I don’t know if others can see my counter, if they can see it, I don’t know, but the fact is that I think it’s impossible. When I was a child I tried in every way to explain my counter, I spoke about this fateful day, the 27th of February, but they took me as crazy.
They said I was a creative child, but it’s all true, all true, today I die!
So, basically, I can't do anything, if not accepting that this is my fate. That I need to accept that I am dying today, on a totally normal day, that I need to live like all the others.
Normally one would fall victim to panic in a situation like mine, but it’s not like that. I am not scared, I mean… I am not calm about it either, but I am not scared.
I am not frozen with terror, I am not shaking thinking about the idea of dying. The only thing I feel is… Bitterness and envy.
Birds and cricket sang in a beautiful chorus, fitting the sweet morning air. The sun stood proudly in the sky, powerful he showed his presence. The summer was coming, and it was his fault, of that aggressive sun.
But after all of that, For being in the middle of August, the air was mild. But that was only temporary, and all caused by the hour of the day where everything was happening. It was morning, after all.
On a day like this, with my backpack as my companion, I stood observing the sky, without voice, my eyes were doing all the talking.
“Why me? Why me among all people? Why do I have to die today?”
But that didn’t matter. Because…
Today I die.
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Despite the tragic day, my routine did not change.
I quickly got dressed, packed my backpack, left the house, took the bus, travelled on the bus, and arrived near my school.
Perhaps worst of all, my life continued as normal.
It wasn't a special day, I didn't deserve even that shred of dignity, it was a day like any other.
The usual individuals were around me: kids talking to each other, old people gossiping, the usual delinquents causing chaos as if it were the end of the world, and then those silent people (the majority of people) who remained on their cell phones. Everything happened as if it was normal.
It was a day like any other. A day like any other for everyone, not for me, not for me.
“Today I die.”
That thought was the only thing I had in my mind, but despite that, I wasn't scared, I already said that right? I was envious now. Just envious that I would be the only one to die today.
The air was cold, but not too cold to make me completely uncomfortable, but enough to require just enough coverage to avoid discomfort. There was little fog left, it was a day fresh from the rain, which fortunately had spared me, at least the rain was merciful to me.
The school gates opened soon, upon my direct arrival, I could enter, I wouldn't have to wait too long, in any case, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to.
As the end, my end, approached, I did the wisest thing I could do. I pushed away all my friendships and became the opposite of who I have always been. I became an asshole. The reason is simple: Their eternal hatred would have been better than their feeling of loss. They wouldn't have been able to bear that. I don't want to give this burden to anyone, and so I decided that I would push away all my friends, one by one, and I succeeded.
Obviously it had taken me a long time, it was a calculated plan. I would have committed the worst acts, and soiled my reputation, and so I did. In fact, most of the time now, I always get a dirty look or two.
My plan would have gone perfectly, but there is still someone, a single person who I can't get off my back, who can't hate me.
“Theo!”
I turned around, before finally entering the school, my eyes were half closed. I was tired, I had slept badly for obvious reasons, but it was also a way of telling my body to start acting like a bad person, I had to simulate a laid back behaviour. At first it felt unnatural, but as time passed I got used to it.
He approached, quickly, as if he were fleeing from a car that wanted to hit him. It was Elano, he always came at this time, never late, always at the right time.
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In my life, there has always been a single person who accompanied me, despite everything and throughout everything, and he himself was Elano.
We met in elementary school, following a bizarre episode. I still remember his childish face, he approached me, all happy, while I was furious. I had just been scolded and I insisted on remaining in the corner. I was certainly stubborn, but I was also a child, that must be said.
He came to meet me.
"What are you doing?"
“Nothing, leave me alone!”
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“Oh come on, what are you doing? What are you doing? Huh? What are you doing?"
"Nothing!"
And I continued to insist, but inevitably I gave way to him, it wasn’t that he convinced me, more because he never stopped insisting.
From that day on we became friends, and we still remained so. Up to now.
Today I die.
And he's the only one who will care.
I don't want him to care, but...
"What are you doing?"
He approached me, finally, he breathed a little laboriously, he had actually done a nice little jog to reach me.
“Nothing, leave me alone!”
I continued with my trial, I didn't spare him from the fury, I wanted to push him away.
For years now, I had developed a special relationship with him. He wasn't just my best friend, no, he was different, he was something more. Someone I felt safe with, someone I could show my feelings with. When I looked into his eyes, my feelings faded, my anger, my worries.
When I see him I feel something different happening in me, it was as if my identity and his disappeared all at once, it was as if we both became one person. That's how I felt about him, I felt he was my other half, I felt that he and I formed one identity, that's one of the traits that made him so special.
Needless to say, I was in love. But he wouldn’t be able to defeat me. I had a plan. Today I want to declare my love to him, and, unlike any other person, I desire to be rejected.
It sounds simple, but for a person like me, it's not that simple.
I have to do everything to ensure my refusal. I have been treating him in the worst possible way, but all of that was only a piece of my plan. Now… It is the last phase, the final. He's the last person I have to push away, but... At the same time, I don't want to leave before I say how I really feel, and to do that I need to at least confess how I feel.
It doesn't matter if I get rejected or not in the end, in fact, I actively want to be rejected, it's my goal, my plan. I have to both declare myself and be rejected, simple, right?
“Bad mood?”
He asked me, we walked inside the school building, I didn't look him in the eyes.
"None of your business."
I couldn't see the reaction on his face. He had always been a very smiley guy, but I didn't know what reaction he would give to what I said, and I didn't want to know, I would have sabotaged the plan, knowing myself, I would have felt bad.
We were able to cut the conversation from there. It had been a while since we had a conversation that lasted more than some lines, and I was slightly satisfied, because it meant the plan was working.
I sat in class, and immersed myself in my mind until class started. But at that point, I still had some final thoughts.
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Maybe I was lucky.
Maybe I was lucky to know that. How many people die today, how many people die today like me, and yet I know it. I know I will die today. They don't.
Today I die.
Three words, yet they manage to even detach me from the lesson.
I glanced at Elano, at his paper, he was concentrating on the lesson, his long black hair covering his face. They prevented me from understanding how he felt.
Why am I so calm?
I'm dying. Why can't I seem to fear anything about it?
I will never see any of this again, I will never hear, taste or touch anything again.
I know that I will die today, but the others don't, the others don't know.
Maybe I was lucky.
Perhaps…
Or maybe not.
Am I really lucky?
Is it really better to know you are about to die than the opposite?
Life is uncertain, isn't that better? Isn't it better not to know? Then I'm unlucky in all ways, right.
…
I'm not calm, I don't want to die. I'm nervous, I'm nervous, I want to cry, I don't want to die, why me? Why me? What have I done? What did I do? I'm young, I don't deserve it, what have I done?
It's useless to think about it, it's late, I don't need it, it's late. I've had 17 years of my life to think about it, but now I can't. It's over.
I turned to Elano again.
He has to say no, he has to. I don't want him to feel bad, but I can't keep it inside, it suffocates me, I would regret it forever, even in my grave, if I didn't tell him.
Today I die.
I can't help it, I'm nervous, I'm not calm, I'm not envious, now I'm nervous, it began to scare me, I'm scared, I don't want to die.
I look around. These people don't know when they will die. They could die today like me, even before, they could die in a few hours, they don't know, and then... So why are they so calm? How do they do it? They don't have the certainty of life, they don't have it, not like me. I know that Today I die, but not other days.
Why? Why? Why does man think he is immortal? He doesn't fear death, how can he?
Don't they realise how precious a single day is? They do not know how much I would pay for a single extra day? For just one more occasion? They do not know?
Don't they know how lucky they are to wake up without any problems every day? Don't they know how much the fuck an extra day costs?
That's all I ask for, all I want, just one more day.
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The end-of-school bell rang. I looked out the classroom window. The sun seemed strong outside, maybe putting on a jacket wasn't really necessary, surprising for winter. The mass of classmates began to leave the classroom, and I followed them a little later, so much so that I seemed like the black sheep of the group.
Classes had gone by quickly today. I hadn't spoken to Elano after the morning, but I had invited him in an exceptional case to come and talk.
I had asked him to meet outside the school, I needed to talk to him, to tell him. It would probably be the only occasion in a long time where I would speak to him in a generally kind manner, unlike the previous times.
The mass of students, like a flock of sheep, dispersed, and it was almost sad to see them all abandon. I stood still, I could see the state of the school without any students. A ghost town, a ghost school, that's better to say.
I am afraid.
I stood still, nervous. I had prepared for a long time, but despite that, I couldn't help but still feel scared. Nervous, I wouldn't be able to tell him properly, but I had to tell him anyway.
Finally I saw him, from a distance. I didn't understand exactly where he was before, but now it didn't matter, he had arrived.
With his arrival, my terror increased. I was sweating, watching him. I shouldn't have done that, it was a terrible idea. I shouldn't have called him. It was a terrible idea.
He finally managed to reach me.
I didn't even give him space to speak, I wouldn't have given him what he wanted.
“Elano…” And from there I spat my heart out at him. And I told him what I had already told myself many and many times about him.
He wasn't just my best friend, no, he was different, he was something more. Someone I felt safe with, someone I could show my feelings with. When I looked into his eyes, my feelings faded, my anger, my worries.
When I see him I feel something different happening in me, it was as if my identity and his disappeared all at once, it was as if we both became one person. That's how I felt about him, I felt he was my other half, I felt that he and I formed one identity, that's one of the traits that made him so special.
He looked at me with a surprised look, and I hoped that what I had wanted for a long time would happen, and that he would let me go.
No, no, he did exactly what I didn't want him to do, he took me into a hug and smiled. I knew it was a smile, because he spoke in the tone of someone with a smile.
At that point, I no longer had the ability to control myself, and I was starting to feel tears on his face.
“Are you crying, Teo? Are you excited?”
Idiot, you're an idiot. You ruined my plan, you are an idiot and you will suffer for it.
I couldn't tear the pout off his face, but I answered him with a lie. "Yes."
I was no longer scared, or even envious, now I was just sad.
Today I die.
END
Hello! Thank you for reading, whoever you are. :)
This is the first publication that I ever do here, and yes, it's a... Oneshot. But no worries. More work is coming soon! That is for sure, and it's going to be some way better stuff.
I wrote this a lot of time ago, and just now translated it to english, and I said, why not? Let's publish it! I hope you enjoyed. See you next time!