The room felt like it was closing in around Raden as he sat on the bed in front of Azrael. She had agreed to talk in private. So here they were.
"What did you want to talk about?" Azrael stood fixing the bouquet of violets in a vase that Rosemary had given her.
Raden picked his head up to watch her. "I was visited by Libena today."
Azrael's fingers froze. "Oh."
"I'm not mad." Raden quickly added. He then hesitantly asked, "Why did you feel that you needed to make a deal with her though?" Azrael let out a tired sigh turning her attention to him.
"I was desperate." She paused carefully mulling over what she would say next. "You pulled me in and I felt that you really cared for me only for you to switch to this cold-hearted soldier acting as if I was a burden. When Libena came to me, I figured this could be my best chance. I held out hope for so long Raden, and in the end, it didn't matter did it."
Raden could see the hurt flash through her eyes. Each word causes more pain than the last. He so badly wanted to take it away. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry," she breathed with a breathy laugh. "You're sorry. I put myself through so much shit mentally because of you. I let myself think that even for a sliver of a second maybe just maybe you would somehow see any of that. It was exhausting going back and forth not knowing when you are going to be caring or yelling. Yet, I still pushed because I loved you, Raden." Azrael ran a hand through her hair in frustration. She stared at Raden who sat in silence. "In the end, I was left to pick up the pieces of my heart and I'm done."
"When I went back to the camps, I had the plan to kill the angel who wounded me. That's why I went back. That night was the first time I laid eyes on the demon who wanted you. It was the first I felt fear. Not for me but because it was the threat of losing you." Raden watched Azrael shake her head in protest. As if something in her mind was telling her not to throw up those walls again. This was his chance. "What I'm trying to say here is that you unlocked these feelings in me that I was never supposed to know about. I was created simply to destroy, but you... Azrael you showed me so much more."
Azrael bit her lip to stop the sob from slipping out, but this didn't stop the tears from falling. She tried to focus on the bouquet in front of her. It soon turned to blotches of color as her vision blurred. She felt the presence of Raden behind her. Oh, how she wanted him to embrace her at this moment.
"There isn't enough time in the world to tell you how sorry I am. I'm still trying to figure these new emotions and feelings out and it'll take me some time." He reached to grab her arms but paused. He wanted to hold her but that could only hurt her more. Instead, he turned and walked towards the door letting out a sigh. Azrael stood silent in front of the dresser praying he wasn't about to leave. He stopped with his hand grasping the door handle. "Tell me not to leave."
Azrael shifted her gaze to Raden's back. His wings folded in tightly as if they were the one thing keeping his legs from crumbling beneath him. Her gaze moved to his hand tightly grasping the handle. "What?"
In a hushed tone, Raden repeated, "Please tell me not to leave Azrael." His voice was shaky this time. "Don't let me make the mistake again."
Her legs felt like they were replaced with lead as she managed to walk over to Raden. He hadn't moved to face her or taken his hand away from the handle. Azrael reached for his hand pulling it away from what would be his biggest regret yet. "I can't tell you what to do." She saw the fight he was having internally. The war in his head was waging violently. "Believe me I don't want you to leave, but I can't keep you here."
He turned to her slightly the pain written across his face. "I don't want to cause you any more pain than I already have. Either way, I hurt you and that's the last thing I ever wanted to do."
"It hurts when you push me away. When you fight against what you feel, that's what hurts the most." Azrael grabbed his face turning it to her. "All I want is for you to be truthful." She let him go walking to sit on the bed. She wouldn't cry until he left. She wouldn't let her guard down until he left. She wouldn't let herself be vulnerable until he...
Raden stepped back from the door. The floor creaking under his step caught Azrael's attention. "Fuck this!" He turned to Azrael who was wide-eyed. "I don't give a fuck about this war or what Merikh believes I am. My priority is you Azrael. Ever since I first laid eyes on you I knew that you were going to be my number one priority the rest of my life," Raden took in a deep breath before continuing, "You want me to be truthful. Well, here we are. I'm terrified of feeling anything other than emptiness. To just be a soldier and do my missions. I want to care more and love deeply Azrael. I want you to teach me how to be like you. How to see the good in everyday life even with the shit that was thrown at you. Gods you drive me crazy sometimes with the situations you get into, but I wouldn't trade any of that." He began pacing back and forth as he continued rambling on not making any sense by the end. Azrael followed every word and footstep. "Azrael, I want you to be in my life for however long you'll have me because I don't want to leave. Never again."
If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
"Then why did you walk out that night?" Her voice was soft and quiet. The air stilled around them as this one little question struck Raden with a force more powerful than any God.
Raden stayed quiet.
"You made it clear even today that you would much rather choose vengeance and violence. You say that you care and that you would do anything to keep me safe and with you, but what about that night?" Her voice shook with anger and sadness. "I needed you Raden and you weren't there."
The last sentence broke him. It echoed through his bones tearing through him like the claws of a ravaging beast. He turned and fell to his knees in front of her bearing himself vulnerable.
He peered up at her reddened eyes. "I'm here now," Raden whispered.
Azrael looked upward blinking away the tears. "Because Libena threatened you if you didn't come back?"
Raden raised up now at eye level with her. He took her chin in his hand and lightly tilted her head down. "I came back because she showed me how stupid I am and how incredible you are. No threats forced me here."
"How do I know this isn't a lie?"
A thumb softly brushed tears away. "Why would I say all of that if I was lying to you?"
"You wouldn't," she whispered. Raden nodded in agreement.
"I have fallen from the grace of my father and brothers to be here with you…" His eyes were full of light for the first time Azrael can recollect. "You are my sun and moon. I will worship you like the goddess you've always meant to be my dear Azrael."
Azrael let out a crying laugh leaning into his hand. "I don't know if I can let myself fall again."
"Let me prove it to you." Raden's voice was quiet and shaky. He was so close to losing her if she hadn't already decided to let him go.
"Prove what?"
Raden leaned his head forward touching her forehead with his. "How much I fucking love you."
She pulled back with wide eyes. Raden instantly mentally slapped himself. He had said the wrong thing here.
"You've never said that." Azrael was in pure shock. "Don't say it if you don't mean it, Raden. I swear to the Gods if you're lying..."
"I'm not lying Azrael." Raden reached forward cupping her face softly. "This is the hardest thing I've done in my life, but everything I'm saying is true. I love you and you don't understand how much that is." Azrael let out another sob. However, it was of sadness or heartbreak. Raden wrapped his arms around her then his wings engulfing her in warmth. She pulled him close as she sobbed into his chest. "Please don't let me leave."
"Never again," she hummed into his chest. Azrael pulled back placing her hands on either side of his face. "I won't let you leave even if I have to sit on you."
Raden let out a laugh. "Sit on me? You think that'll stop me"
Azrael smiled. "Mmhmm. You can't fly that way."
"Well then I guess I'd have to take you with me," he whispered as he closed the space between them. "Wherever I go, you'll be there with me."
She nodded.
"Good."
Silence fell between them. Azrael watched Raden carefully. He leaned forward those last few inches brushing his lips against hers. Waiting for her to make that final jump. Hesitatingly she deepened the kiss. Soft and slow. Raden moved his hands to rest on her hips lightly squeezing. She ran her hands through his hair pulling him closer.
Raden began trailing soft kisses from her lips down her jaw to her neck. As he lifted from her neck, his breath hit and she froze.
"Hey hey, what's wrong?" Raden pulled back seeing Azrael with her eyes shut tight and her brows knitted together.
She swallowed hard. "I'm sorry. Um... I just," she took in a deep breath, "That night he..."
"We don't have to right now," Raden answered reassuringly. He dipped his head slightly to catch her gaze. "I can wait as long as it takes." He waited for her to say something. "Hmm."
Azrael nodded lifting her head up and smiling.
"Okay?" Raden wiped away a few more tears. "It's okay. How about we get out of here and get you into some fresh air."
"I'd like that," Azrael answered with a wider smile.
Raden nodded and stood from the floor holding a hand for Azrael. She took it and they left the small room. They left the inn entering into the busy city streets. Azrael grabbed Raden's hand and pulled him into the crowd of people. Across the street, Raden caught a glimpse of raven hair. Libena was glancing over jewelry or so it seemed. She smiled and nodded to Raden which he returned. With a rush of wind, Libena vanished into thin air and a faint smell of roses lingered in the air. Raden smiled to himself and glanced over at Azrael who was talking with a vendor.
Maybe you aren't a dick after all.