Quote of Tyth:

“The heavy stone, once pushed from it’s silent slumber, atop

that hill of aggregate sin, gaining the speed of just anger from

gravity of time, rolling through friend and foe in equal apathy of

furious spin. Engine of myriad ripples, that. And in so have I then

affected eternity’s progression. I have wrought destruction and

creation alike. Evil and good in congression. Woe and Glorious

am I: the product of my own devised plot. I’d set them in

motion; those things which I now could not stop.”

Summer of 107

Wind pushed the tree. Branches swayed. “Ty?” Nela spoke up, sitting nearby, staring up as well. “Whatcha looking at?”

No answer. Because it didn’t make sense. There must be more to it. The leaves moved loudly from a gust, which was distracting. “Oh. Just thinking about the wind…” My reply was as light and empty as the air that could not be seen.

“What about it?”

“It…I don’t know what causes it. Or what it does.”

“You’re crazy, Ty.” This followed with her face coming into view, and her hands slapping on to my chest. A scrunched up nose added to her tone. “It’s the wind. It blows.” She shrugged, adding simple truth to her words while also hurting my ribs.

“But why?” A dumb question. Because of course she wouldn’t know. In place of response, she went to play with an ant found nearby. Watching her now, the brightness of the day stuck to the yellowness of her dress and was almost blinding when compared to the dark colors of the birch’s wood and leaves.

The warmth of the sun would’ve made sleep so sweet, with the grass brushing calmly against me, but the wind - that thing not understood - brought sudden cold from somewhere hidden far off, and a shudder came on as my legs felt warm while my arms felt cold. It made my skin feel alive, as if ready to burst off of me. Weird feeling.

In all other lives, this long lazy Sunday evening would be good. A time of rest in a place of simple nature. But tomorrow was coming, and for that reason my mind was tense. The branches kept swaying above us.

“Still thinking about the wind?” Nela chirped with some kind of worry in her voice, blonde hair giving the same kind of shine as the sun. But I was too lost to give her concern much notice.

“Yeah…” I moved my eyes to the leaves as I leaned against the tree. But even though I tried, I couldn't think of anything to do. That's all I really had. Thinking. There was so much that I didn't have. But I had my mind. And though it made trouble at times, at least I had control over that. It was my power. No one could get at it but me. And if I thought the right things, then maybe I could be the one in control. So think, Tyth. Think! What can you do to make tomorrow better?

“I wonder what other family he might have.”

“What?”

“This ant. He seems so lonely.”

I frowned at her. My sister was a simple but pure soul. Very concerned about others. Not herself though. And so my feelings bled for her, because in any other family she would have the life she deserved. But not here…

This thought brought with it another kind of frustration. And also a more painful kind of unease. Now the only thing to do was walk back to the house, climb up the side yard’s slope, and think about being careful to not break the back door. The top hinge gave way slightly if it was opened too hard and dad already gave me a spanking once for almost breaking it. Another time he gave me a spanking for simply using that door. ‘Why can't you use the front door?!’. But I had learned to just roll the dice and take the chance. Couldn't be afraid of him. Let him beat me. The reasons for why he did it were never the same, so I had no control over how I got in trouble anyway.

The wind stopped suddenly. I was just at the back door, fingers out and ready to open. The sun shining warmly, a beautiful day. Warm fuzzies like fire through my thin hair. Everything going still for just a small time. The short walk through the yard had been enjoyable, and if I knew how, I would’ve filled my day with other times of simple joy just like it. A smile came with the feeling, and a yawn followed. My sister looked across the yard and also smiled when noticing the grin on my face. But a few seconds laters, the wind picked back up and everything was cold again.

I turned back to the door. A plan had now started working its way into the light. Walking through the door, into the house, with a hard look on my face, I tried not to show how nervous and delicate the plan was, good as it seemed.

“Mom, can I walk into town? I want to be there early and get to the bookstore right when it opens.”

Mom sat on her stool, peeling carrots. Fire was burning nearby as water was starting to boil in the pot above. Stew was pretty much what we had every day. It was one of the only steady things in life, the fact that mom would be sitting on that stool almost everyday, making a meal. While peeling, her head went down a little as she stuck out a bottom lip and tilted her head. Peeling stopped for a few seconds before there was an answer. “Alright.”

Yes. The first part of the plan was in motion. Into the bedroom where the three of us kids slept. There, the little cabinet that held the shared clothes. Now to figure out carrying a change of clothes into town. Maybe wear an outer layer of farm clothing and take that off when in town? After finding a quick place to change, for sure. Then those inner clothes would be worn to the bookstore tomorrow. If the clothes were hidden well enough underneath, mom wouldn’t know or ask questions.

“Why a bookstore?” Mom called from the kitchen. It wasn't a far ways to yell.

I had done myself in the excitement of planning. I didn't mean to let on where I was going. But she would wanna know. Mom did care. In her own way.

“Ummm...” Quick. A lie. Fast. “I have a friend who wants to meet me there.” That would be a safe lie. Mom didn't keep too close an eye on my friends. She trusted us kids, since we were well-behaved. Maybe ‘cause dad beat it into us.

“Ok.”

Now on with more planning. “All right...next is what food I need.” Money wasn’t available, so eating in town tomorrow wouldn’t work. The best idea is..., I told myself. Is to eat the stew now, and then get some of it to take with me for tomorrow's breakfast and maybe lunch.

Great idea. But two things. First, how do you carry it? My mind spit the answer back almost immediately.

Good point. You need a bowl or something. I responded while throwing on some nice clothes.

Or maybe you could put bread in it, turn it into a...what do you call that?

I know what you mean but I don't know what it's called.

Well, turn it into that and make it something more solid. Then take that in a box. Or if you have to, figure out how to turn it stale and make it easy to carry in a bag. The bread I mean...and you could just take the bread all by itself.

All right. Well, bowl is better. The stale bread thing is a backup.

Agreed.

Then we just need to figure out how to carry the food.

All right.

After quickly dressing in the double layer of clothing, I still couldn't think of a way to carry a soup with bread in it. It took several minutes to give up on the effort, before walking back to the kitchen. “I'll eat before I leave in the morning. But I want to take some with me for lunch maybe. What do I do?”

Mom thought for a minute. “Umm...you could take the leftovers in a bowl.” Mom pointed to where we kept the food items (bowls / plates / knives / whatnot).

The idea was upsetting. Asking her for the favor was a loss. The fight of thoughts done in the bedroom was a battle in a bigger war. Trying to learn how to think and fend for myself was the purpose. Getting a bowl from her was also relying on her and even though the help would be accepted because it was required, it wasn’t a given that help would always be there. Sure, she was still looking over her children. Mom was required to do so. But I didn’t want that to be an excuse for not owning my own bowl.

“All right. Thanks mom.” I smiled at her and gave her a hug. She had given the thing needed to make the trip a success. And even though it would have been better to do the planning and the trip itself alone, sometimes it just couldn’t happen that way. Or at least, it wasn't my fault that I was fifteen.

“Of course.” Mom went back to peeling the carrots, but before she did: “Ask your brother and sister if they want to go with you.”

The front door was only a pace away. I’d gotten that far before her command. Would it be better to try and talk her out of that idea? No. Not worth it. With a quiet sigh I instead made my way back into the backyard.

“NELA!” Calling for my younger sister was a matter of faith, hoping she wasn't off in the middle of nowhere. The sunny day was still going. Daylight and a lack of close eyes seemed to give her ideas. She got in trouble far more than anyone else, but faced less punishment than was even deserved (useless just a few words to be more careful). In the balance of things, it wasn’t so bad that she suffered from the benefits of being the youngest. She could be suffering far worse…

“What?!” The answer came from the other side of the barn, over the fence. Nela wasn't really supposed to be over where the cows were (steers actually, but she didn't know the difference). Mom and dad weren't super concerned about her being over there, but they did warn us to not be too close to the livestock around certain times of the seasons (and for why they refused to tell). Still, Nela was a bit of a rebel at times.

“Mom says I need to ask you if you wanna come into town with me!” The words were shouted loudly, because joining her in the pasture wasn’t something to be done unless absolutely needed. The big beasts were scary.

Nela came to the left side of the barn and into view. “Where you going?” Dirt had already stained her clothes at the knees and below. Her bright gold hair was also smothered in the stuff.

“Town”. I repeated.

“Where in town?” Her hands went to her hips as she tilted her head. Her voice was frustrated, like I was stupid.

“The bookstore.”

“Hmm...” Nela stuck out her bottom lip and thought about it for a couple minutes. “No thanks.” She turned around at this and went back to picking wild flowers out of the pasture and sticking them in her hair. One down. One more to go. It would have been surprising if she had wanted to go read books anyway.

Since he wasn't with Nela, finding my older brother would be easy. He had a habit of sitting on the front porch and watching the clouds. After circling the rest of the house, he was found there, looking up at the sky.

“Bela...” Approaching slowly and speaking soft, I treated him with a bit more respect (or caution) than anyone else in our family.

Bela didn't move or look around. His eyes kept to the sky. That was his way. The world kind of just . . . moved . . . around him. But he wouldn’t react too much or say anything that showed what he was thinking. People thought him a little slow for it. But that was their mistake.

“Bela...” I continued again, quite sure he'd heard. “Would you like to go into town with me?”

It took a matter of long moments, but Bela eventually gave the slightest wrinkle in his eyebrows. He had heard me all right. So I kept waiting. More seconds passed.

“Umm...” Bela still kept staring off into the clouds, even as he spoke. “I don't know.”

This was another of his ways. Making decisions was hard, even simple ones. Yet a kind heart was underneath. Because of that, I always felt bad about prodding him into any certain direction. This time though, maybe time away from home would be good for him. For many reasons...

“Why don't you come with me? It would be good.”

Bela finally looked away from the clouds. “Okay.” He got up slowly and stood there, waiting.

“Good.” I felt a strange urge to hug him, just from happiness for him. But then another thought showed itself. “Oh...it's going to be a long walk. Are you sure you want to come? And I'll be in town overnight.”

Bela thought it over before responding that he still wanted to go. Which was an even happier thing, given how lonely the trip was going to be on foot. “Ok!” Hurrying over a list of things in my mind, there didn’t seem to be anything else that needed doing-

“Why are you wearing two shirts?” Bela asked the question just as I was about to explain.

“Oh yes, about that. I have on nice clothes that I'll be wearing in town tomorrow. You should grab some too.”

“Why?”

“Because we're going to the bookstore.”

“We have to dress up for that?”

That’s right, he had never been there. Bela wasn’t much for books, even though he knew how to read well enough.

“Yeah.”

Bela agreed to join anyway, and I waited for him to gather his own set of clothes and food (and he borrowed a second bowl from mom). Bela asked why a walking stick was needed, and I told him it would be explained tomorrow. Also, setting off into town would take awhile, so it was important to take a big drink of water and use the outhouse before leaving. Bela might not have thought about that, but that’s why he had his family to watch out for him.

The walk into town started off fairly uneventful but after an hour or two, a huge mistake became obvious to Bela: we had nothing to use to buy books.

“Ty, what are you going to use to buy the books from the bookstore?”

I stopped walking for a minute and Bela stopped as well. We were on the edge of a field owned by some random neighbor of ours, a couple miles down the road. In a place like this, I'd only taken the time to really ever meet my nearest neighbors. My parents knew these people, maybe, but not me.

A small vial was pulled from my pocket that had a stone and yarn stopper. "What if we use some of this?"

Bela looked at it for a second. His face scrunched up as he looked at me with confusion. "That isn’t ours."

"So? It’s kind of ours, if you think about it." I shrugged my shoulders.

Bela stared for a bit. Then he also shrugged his shoulders, but in a different way, looking at the ground. "I don't think it'd be right. It’s stealing."

"I mean, sure. But I need something to use to barter for some books." Hopefully, although it had never worked, I could convince Bela to do the wrong thing.

He looked back up. "It's still wrong, Ty."

Ty was his nickname for me. He used it, and that meant Nela used it. And hearing it from him made me feel like the younger brother I was.

Still. Books were needed so I could learn. There was no other way that could be thought of, even after much planning.

"Well," I began, trying to convince him. "if I took this and you don't have to do anything-" I gave a quick nod to indicate I wanted to keep speaking, so Bela wouldn't interrupt me. "Then I can sell it for books and after I'm done with those, I'll trade them back for something worth the cost. Then I’ll make everything right. Deal?"

"I don't think I like the idea...but I guess I can't stop you."

"You could tell on me…"

"Yeah, but...I don't wanna get you in trouble."

I felt guilty quite a bit, since Bela cared more for his family than he did his own conscience. Still, I was using that to get what I wanted...for the good of my own learning...and it was such a small thing. And under that lie...it was known to us both that I would not plan to give back what I had taken.

"It’s a small thing." The words fell on deaf ears, but as I put the vial back in my pocket, he took no steps to stop me.

Spending the night just outside of I'lochin was easy if you knew where to sleep. A couple townsfolk were friends and didn’t mind if we slept out in the hay loft, so long as we didn’t hurt the animals. Mom knew them well and her not asking about where we would sleep meant she thought it would be here.

In the morning, we entered the town in our clean and proper clothes from the West road, one of the only three that went anywhere in or out. The one to the West went to V'alen, “the big city”, as everyone called it. V'alen was a few weeks' walk from what I had heard. And the only other road went South. That went into a very wild country, but a few farmers lived on that road just before where the snow would fall almost constantly. I don’t know why, but the day felt full of opportunities and I was excited to the point of almost dancing. There was so much to do, and now I felt like I had little time to do them all.

Even so, I'lochin was just a place that laid out in the middle of nowhere, and after some people got rich enough to need the finer things, a place was built to serve that purpose. Mostly a bar and a few stores where things were sold, but also a number of houses where people had started to live in the main part of town. By the time I had been born, it was in the hundreds. Not yet a thousand, but halfway there. It was growing, even though it was in the middle of nowhere. I had been told that it was because the rising cliffs to the south were good for protecting from the harsh winter winds. I did not know that for sure, because we never entered town during the winter. The cart was not able to make that trip, and mom and dad were not willing to risk killing our single horse by doing such a hard thing.

Still, I had always wanted to live in town. The countryside seemed frightening somehow. The almost always constant flames around town that were lit at night made the place come alive. In the country, the eerie moon’s glow was all that you had to see by. Many shadows would move in the moon’s blue light. But here even the shadows had a warm and embracing yellowish glow touching their edges. It felt safer here surrounded by strangers, more than it did alone with family…

Bela walked close by, nervous around new people. He did not share the same love of town. Too many people, he had said once or twice. But still, he had probably come with, out of some kind of idea to protect me. He was the big brother after all, and even though he was fairly skinny, he was very strong, having joined uncle Nelg’s masonry business at the time he could start wielding a tool. And now he was pretty much running the business (under Nelg’s supervision). Bela would one day be the owner, if he ever “got his head on straight”. Uncle Nelg wasn’t one to mince words, and he told Bela more than once that he was being stupid in the way he handled money and customers. So currently Bela wasn’t allowed to handle the actual business itself. He was just making a portion of the products sold.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

Uncle Nelg had a fair point, though mistreating Nela with such harsh instruction was almost completely unforgivable. Bela was good as a mason. But he was not built to be a businessman. If someone else were to run the business, Bela could be the shop manager, but not the person behind the register. And to own the business, someone would need to know how to do everything. Well, almost everything. Bela could do all of the tradecraft stuff. He just needed someone on the management side.

The idea had crossed my mind once or twice to become a mason. To learn the craft and then be Bela’s boss. I’d even thought about bringing it up to him. But thought better of it. I did not want to be trapped in I'lochin for my whole life. And it would be a let down to give Bela that kind of hope.

Coming into town usually meant passing by Uncle Nelg’s store, where he shared part of a building with a carpenter. Bela made items that sold there, and it was always the place that Uncle Nelg or some random store clerk could be found. Lately, a girl by the name of R'osy had started tending to the shop, which we were all very surprised by. She was of a much different stock and much fancier than anyone in our family was used to, as she wore much nicer clothes and could read and write much better than even my parents.

Bela had fallen for her almost immediately. So had I.

But when Bela started talking about her, my dreams were put to rest, never talking about my own feelings or revealing them to my older brother. R'osy was more his age, and he needed someone in his life more than I needed someone in mine. I would be traveling the world one day, and as I’d learned from my mother, women were not meant to be so keen on adventure.

Now that I thought about it, Bela could have been joining me just to stop by and say hi to her. And I thought about whether I should ask him if we should stop by and see how business is doing. But he took the opportunity from me.

“Where is the bookstore?”

“What do you mean? There’s barely enough places to call this a town.” I pointed down the street, at the place where all three roads meet. “It’s in the town circle. You can’t miss it.”

“Oh yeah…” He looked down the road, with a dreamy look in his eyes. “Isn’t Uncle Nelg’s store down there?”

I couldn’t hold back a smile.

“It is.” I looked at him and waited for him to return my stare. “Do you wanna say hi to R'osy?”

Bela blushed a little. “No.” He lied so tellingly that he just immediately undid it. “I mean, yeah. I’d like to.”

That blush made its way to my own cheeks. “Let’s go” I was happy for my brother’s affection, for the looks of life in him. I could have skipped alongside him on the way to the center of I'lochin.

R'osy stood on top of several wood boxes, putting small trinkets on shelves normally too high for her. The little shop was becoming full with figurines of dogs, cats, houses, and other simple shapes. Bela was quite good, and he was also a hard worker. The trinkets were his making, and I wondered, in this moment, how Bela might be thinking about Rosy's delicate fingers, as she handled the trinkets he would make. Would she think of him when she put them on the shelves…? A little spring of jealousy mixed with foolishness and shame came quickly. Those thoughts felt like they were through someone else’s. I didn’t belong in them, trying to see into the romance between two people. So no more thoughts about that, realizing I was being very odd: wondering to myself something they would never know I thought about.

“Oh, hi boys!” R'osy called us boys every time she saw us, even though she was one year younger than Bela. I never knew if it was a nice thing or if it was something worth getting mad about. To be talked to as if a child, and R'osy was an adult to see over us. Mad was definitely near to the top of the list than feeling complimented. Bela never seemed to notice or mind, though he’d never been asked for his thoughts on the matter.

“Hi.” Bela gave the reply in a flat way.

“What can I do for you?” R'osy went back to putting the trinkets on the shelves.

“We just…” Bela looked for words. When he couldn’t find any, he looked to me for help. A common and predictable behavior for him. Though I didn’t sigh out loud, the sadness and slight annoyance was felt deep inside, because my older brother was likely to need a savior for most of his life.

“We just came in to see how things are selling!” I prepared to explain why we were in town, and I thought it might make us seem less interested in seeing R'osy only. So I did. “And since we were in town anyway, we thought, why not?” Shrugging my shoulders on the last two words was kind of worthless, because R'osy couldn’t see it, her back to us and all.

“Ah.” There was a very short silence between her sentences, while she fussed with just the right angle for a rock made in the shape of a small dog. “Business is good! We are selling quite a number of these little animals and things that you’ve been making, Bela!” R'osy looked around to smile at him. Her hair moved a lot, now that she’d grown it out for the summer. And it wiggled especially so when she turned her head very quickly like that.

So she knew that he made the trinkets. Bela blushed deeply and shuffled in place slightly. “Thank you...R'osy.”

She let a moment linger before replying. “You’re welcome, Bela.”

They stood there for a moment, staring at each other, and it quickly became awkward. It would be great to break that silence somehow. We could’ve said our goodbyes and left, but Bela wanted to continue talking to her. He was just unsure on how to do it. Yet again, more rescuing.

“R'osy…” I chimed in, taking her attention from Bela. There was an almost audible sound of Bela letting a breath escape. He had gone motionless from the moment they locked eyes. “I never asked. But you’ve been here for a month or so. At the store I mean. What made you start working here?”

“Umm...money?” R'osy tilted her head in a curious way, as if the question was a silly one.

“Oh yeah.” It was now my turn to blush. It was a silly question.

“And what do you do?” Her question put me off balance, so to speak.

“Me? Well...I don’t really do anything for money. But I do help my dad out with his work every once in a while.”

“Your father is...Eneres?”

There was an instant bit of heat in my cheeks from the way she emphasized his name. “Yes, he is.” I didn’t mean to, but I glared at her. Moments later, realizing what I was doing, I caught myself and stopped.

R'osy must have picked up on the feelings, because she just simply went “Oh…” and stopped speaking.

The short conversation came to a finish and the desire appeared to end it completely. But what happened was just staring at the floor, not sure what to do next. Awkward silence quickly rejoined. Quiet filled the room, as there were no real customers at the moment. A clerk for the carpenter’s side of the room was busy at work, probably trying to pretend to notice anything from Uncle Nelg’s side of the shop. He could have been the owner of the shop, maybe. Or maybe a worker for the owner. The way R'osy was for Uncle Nelg. But for now, the focus wasn’t on the clerk.

“Ty, we should get on to the book store…” Bela seemed to want to go and I felt the same.

“Bookstore?” R'osy chirped in.

“Yeah…” She wanted to go with us, it seemed. At the moment, her being around was about the last good thing in the world that could be thought of. But also Bela might give me some lip if he noticed the way she had been so rudely treated just now.

“I wish I could go…” She made an expression on her face that looked something like sadness but also...something else. It wasn’t really all that sad. But it wasn’t a mean face. It was at least obvious that she was being honest.

Bela looked at me for a second, and he showed plainly on his face that he also wanted her to join us. It took a couple seconds too long, but I gave in. “Come with us.”

“Oh I can’t. I’m here for the rest of the morning. Or at least, until Nelg re-manifests.”

The word “re-manifests” was a new and unknown word, but her meaning was easy to understand all the same.

Bela looked upset at the news. “Well…” He was thinking. Probably trying to see if he could get a way for R'osy to come.

The shopkeep for the carpenter’s side of the store spoke up. “I can watch your side if you want, R'osy.”

“Oh you could?! That would be wonderful!” R'osy danced slightly, though her feet never left the floor. More like a slight up and down motion. “It is such a lovely day. I would so like to join you!”

Seeing a chance, some excuse came to mind, and was said as soon as the words could form: “Are you sure Nelg will be ok with that?”

R'osy stopped being so happy and her dancing quieted down. “I hadn’t thought of that.” She stuck out her lips slightly, making a face like she was thinking. A finger went to her lips, as she got lost in thought.

Now there was a curious thing. In rare moments I would realize that other people had their own free will. R'osy had hers. And peek into her mind was impossible for anyone else. Only she knew what she was thinking. As much as anyone else would like to or even as willing as she might be. She had a bunch of things going on that no one else could see. The same was true with everyone else. Everyone was a mystery. That seemed to be reasonable and true, especially because of just how much thinking I did myself. Others must do the same. In that way, I was just like everyone else.

“Atri, do you think Nelg would mind?”

Atri, who actually was the owner of the carpenter business (His name was displayed in big letters on the wall next to him as “Atri’s Carpentry”) replied. “Oh yes. We’re good friends, R'osy. I’ll make sure that you won’t get in trouble.” His smile was too big for and instantly unlikable. It seemed false. But that could’ve been driven by the anger from R'osy joining us, regardless of attempts to make it otherwise. Bela would be happy though, and my feelings would have to be tucked deep down because of him. For his own good at least. But even still, if there were ways to get R'osy to not be with us for the rest of the day, they would be taken.

Outside, the sun was bright and the morning had a lazy feel to it. The bookstore was just a few buildings down, but it might as well have been on the other side of the world. It was the last place in the world that felt desirable right now. R'osy was intruding, and she had mentioned father in a way that made the blood boil.

It seemed that rumors were starting to surround him, and R'osy had learned of them through gossip. Possibly from Uncle Nelg. Very hot anger was starting to boil in the chest. And confusingly, I also wanted to run away and cry for a bit. But R'osy could not see any of it. It would add to the embarrassment. Quiet. Be not true to self. So she would not see.

My brain did a trick that it had been taught a couple months ago. In my mind I thought of a room, and in it I took the anger and sat it in a corner. I went to the other corner. I looked at the anger. I told it: “you have no control over me”. I said this to the anger, calmly, to show that I was in control. The anger was now trapped in the corner. And when I felt ready, I walked out the room.

Now. In control again. Smiling and pretending that it was wonderful that R'osy was with us, looking into her eyes was once again doable. “Ready to look at books?” The downside to a death of feelings was it made the desire for books also dead. There would be no joy now, even though the morning was still bright, and the day after her leaving might still be full of beauty. But so went this little trick of mind.

The bookstore was not a very big place, and the number of different books it had was also small. Most of them had to do with farming. The few others were related to Ygh, or so one could tell from the pictures on the front. Still, there was a heavy desire to know what was in these books. Mother had taught us children how to read our own personal Yghtl, so we at least knew words, but we were still not allowed to read the books at the store unless they were paid for. Those were the rules. R'osy had said she was only there to “browse” (whatever that word meant) and hang out, and Bela was here to follow. Which made me the only one here with a mission.

There wasn’t much to catch the eye, most of the same old boring books. And I was just beginning to give up and pick the biggest one I could find (a large book called "ground yields a quarter and rituals to increase growth"). But luck was smiling in this space, as a tattered little book was found, hidden between two dark and uninteresting books. The book, brown, but with faint yellow writing said “Lands and Songs”.

It was an odd title, and there was no way to know what to make of it. But desperation set in to find out.

“Find anything interesting, Ty?” Bela stayed close during the whole time in the store, but seemed not aware that I had fixed my eyes on the small book buried between some other larger ones.

“I think so…” My reply came slowly, thoughts vanished to somewhere else, the mind far away.

“Let’s buy it then.”

It was now time to fill him in. “I won’t be exactly buying it, Bela.” I whispered this to him, best as able. The shop owner wouldn’t overhear, but R'osy absolutely would. That couldn’t be helped.

“What do you mean?” Bela was the one to reply, but they both stared with a very worrying look.

R'osy had more understanding about the need for being secret. “You’ll steal it?!” She whispered it, but just barely. Bela’s eyes widened, the look on his face one of horror.

“No.” I shook my head very hard. “Let’s talk outside.”

Once outside, it was possible to take the conversation where it needed to go. “Follow me.”

Leading them out of the town circle, we went down the row of houses on the north road. Near the edge of town, a small alley was entered that led behind one of the apartment complexes. A staircase along the back led up to the flat roof. From here, crossing to the other side gave a view of the street. Before leaning over the edge, yesterday’s clothes were pulled from the knapsack and layed down on (to keep the nice clothes from getting dirty) as I got on my stomach to peer down the street. No one seemed to be out and about, as it was still mid-morning on a Monday. The morning busy work would have died down as people entered their shops or set off for the day. There was no chance of being spotted.

“What are you doing?”

Bela’s question didn’t distract from the goal and I told him to wait. R'osy had been silent since we left the bookstore, but it was apparent that her own curiousness was growing. Leaning over the ledge, it was important to not dangle more than one arm over the side at the same time. No danger of slipping that way.

The wooden doors were just within reach by using the walking stick that had been also packed for the trip. After giving those doors a slight tap, it was time to wait for a response. I also recognized now that my heart hadn’t stopped beating hard since we left the bookstore.

A moment later, a young man with sharp features popped his head out. He looked down into the street for only a half second before looking up at me. “Tyth.” He said with a wicked smile.

“Lands and Songs?”

“Sure.”

The vial made its way out of my pocket. After tying it to a string on the walking stick to carefully drop it to the young man, I rolled away from the ledge, so as not to be seen on the street. The whole thing took less than a minute.

On the roof, Bela stood there in silence, but R'osy had already seemed to catch on. “Interesting.” That was the only thing that she said.

“Ty, I don’t understand.”

“The books are expensive, Bela.” It was a serious and sad thing to speak as truth. If it was possible to pay for them with some kind of money, it would’ve been happily done. “Gahn makes copies of the originals and the book store sells them. I just pay Gahn since he will give me a book for cheap.”

Bela was trying to take this in, but R'osy was already a couple steps ahead. “How did you meet Gahn? And you can’t afford the books yourself can you? I was remiss to think that of you. How unkind of me.”

“Remiss” was yet another unknown word, but she was never going to know that. She knew too much about us already, and in response, anger and shame woke up again in the other room of my mind. I double checked the lock on the door and went back to being in control over my mind. By doing that, I also lost my sadness. I was without emotion again.

“What does ‘remiss’ mean?” I asked.

“Oh,” She blushed slightly. “it means that I took a misstep.”

Thinking that over, and going back over what she said, it made sense now. “Ok.”

“So…” She said this as a way of trying to ask the question again, but without being rude.

“Yes, we don’t have the money to pay for books the right way.” Lucky to be in control of emotions now, because if she were to see what feelings would be coming at her, if I wasn’t so strong…

“And…” She was pausing at the beginning of her speech, to probably be as kind as possible. That felt like pity being given on her end. Even though she was probably really just trying to be nice. It was yet another effort to understand why she was doing what she was doing. “How did you meet Gahn?”

Remembering the way Gahn had shown up, it was decided best not to share the whole story. “He was a customer at my dad’s shop.” That answer left a question, and so a follow up was needed. “He said he was a ‘transcriber of books’. I asked what that was. He told me. And so I talked to him about buying them from him instead.”

“I see.” She seemed to understand this and accept it. It had become a normal thing very quickly to her, it seemed, this dishonest practice. “Well, as someone who loves books, I’m not sure I can fault you entirely.” Her face made a smile, but it was somewhat forced. She didn’t really like these not-honest dealings, it seemed. But she was probably trying to make sense of it and be polite at the same time.

Bela had not spoken for a bit, and after looking at him, he seemed to have just passed through the whole thing. He was no longer being affected by what was going on around him. In a way, this is maybe what he did on the outside what I had done on the inside: become dead to things. That would be interesting to think about later.

“So what happens now?” R'osy had replaced her smile with a real one, but it now had a wicked look to it. She was letting her interest in the idea get the best of her. “How do you get the book?”

Should she be told more? Not wise. The fewer people who knew would make it easier to keep doing it.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think you should know. I don’t like telling people.” To sell the idea, an attempt was made at looking sorry, more sorry than what was probably felt.

She must have bought it because though she looked a little upset, because her smile disappeared slowly, she said she understood. Which was good. Maybe she was now starting to understand that she was peeking in on someone else’s life, and maybe she was seeing things that someone did not want her to see.

Thankfully, she pretty much said the same thing: “I guess I…” She stopped and scrunched her face. “I mean…” Then she scrunched up her face even more. “Oh…” She sighed. “I don’t know if I should’ve invited myself to go with you both…”

Ahh. So that was why she was so frustrated. She was trying to be kind again. To not say what she was thinking.

“Oh that’s ok, R'osy.” Bela reached out his hand to her. “I like that you came along.”

Bela was trying to be sweet. But he had never been great with understanding people. Things he understood. But not people so well. I moved over to him quickly, batting his hand down. The last thing needed was for my brother to be thought of as a creep. “No. I mean.” Stuttering for a second and looking at R'osy. “I mean I understand. And there is no harm done” I was trying to give her the thing she wanted: to leave. “I’m glad you came along as well.”

The odd way in which Bela had just acted and the odd way in which I had responded would surely worry her. Girls were scared off easily, more so when people acted weird. Things were awkward now and she would probably now really want to leave. Which was good for all of us. Even if Bela didn’t think so. She could not be allowed to tag along with us anymore, even though it would hurt Bela, and that would be sad.

“I think I should go.” R'osy held her arms up to her chest, playing a sign of being shy and also scared. It was the same kind of action in animals who were about to run. We really had shaken her a bit.

Time to hammer in the nail. “Do you want us to walk you back to the shop?” Putting my hand out to her, but only a little as I spoke would hopefully increase the unease. Just enough not to be scary, but also just enough for her to see.

“That’s ok.” She shook her head a little too hard.

“All right.” Pretending to be hurt by the rejection, another offer would seem likely. “Do you want us to stop by in a bit though, to make sure you get back ok?”

R'osy thought it over for a half second. The reply came out too fast. “Oh that’s fine. I know my way back.”

The next words were said with a tone of sadness. “All right.”

Bela didn’t know what to say as she started to walk away, but before she disappeared off the roof, he wished her luck. She thanked him, but the words were barely hearable.

We were now left alone on the rooftop.

Bela was likely going to be mad at me now. But it was also possible that we would be completely fine. There was no way to know what he was thinking or what he felt about what had just happened. It was also not known how he felt about his arm being pushed down as he reached for her. But based on the past, wouldn’t hurt anyone (or himself) or get mad. He would question why, if he questioned at all. But he wouldn’t be angry. Or at least not on the outside. If Bela ever did have feelings of rage, they had never come out. No idea if they were there or not. Maybe he was as quiet on the inside of his mind as he was on the outside with everyone else.

Bela stood there, watching R'osy go. When she finally went down the stairs, he stared off into the sky for a bit. We stood there for a bit, and possibly longer than he would’ve liked. But we were waiting for what he would do, whether he knew it or not. My heart had slowly begun to settle down, ever since leaving the ledge after talking to Gahn. The danger of getting caught was far less now. This was the very first time anything so wrong had been done before. It felt great. To be in control of life, if only in a small way. And at the end of it all, hope was felt. Getting hold of a book could just maybe be the needed change. If there was knowledge in there, it might be just what was needed to escape…

“Bela?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to go back home now?”

“Sure.”

Climbing back down to the street, we walked back to the town circle. It would be the easy path back home, without taking the shortest path through the woods. Seeing as how we were still in our nice clothes, going through the woods wasn’t a great idea anyway. We would get back home well before nightfall, so there was no danger of getting lost on the main road. And if we swapped out the nice clothes on the edge of town then strangers would also not be a bother with questions or niceties. Our day clothes on the farm were far from anything nice. Not to say that our good clothes were much to look at. They just didn’t have strings coming off. Mom kept these mended on the regular, as we wore them mostly for deaths, weddings and Yghtls.

The day became much worse when we entered the town, spotting someone out of the corner of my eye, as we stepped around a building.

“Bela!” I pushed him back out of sight.

“What?” He was surprised, but he had been shoved easily, since he didn’t have a reactive bone in his body.

“Dad is in town!”

Bela’s face lost all of its color instantly. It took him a moment to speak. “What should we do?”

Thinking this over for a moment took longer than was expected. “We should follow him.”

“Why?!”

“To see where he’s going.” Starting off in that direction, careful not to be seen, the simple explanation seemed to be enough, because Bela followed.

Dad walked through the town circle, heading in the direction of Uncle Nelg’s shop. He went inside for a few minutes. Bela was easily convinced to walk into another shop, on the other side of the circle. It was a tannery. Good view of the town circle. There was also a small chance dad would come here next. If he did, we would have to try our best to hide. Looking around the shop quickly, there were clothes made from hides and other things like blankets were on display. There wasn’t anywhere really to hide. Was there a door in the back? Looking to the counter, the man there was unknown but looked somewhat unfriendly. He was dealing with another customer at the moment, but had spotted our entrance and was giving us a quick glance between words with his customer. We were able to hide here for some amount of time. Deal with the clerk if it came to it.

Dad came back out of the carpentry and masonry shop, carrying nothing. He must not have bought anything. Probably just checking up on the store. Was R'osy back yet? No time to find out. Dad moved down the street, taking the east road that we had just come from. It was a good decision to hide here. He would’ve seen us for sure if we had stayed outside.

We followed him down that road, until he turned down a side street. The town wasn’t super big, but there was a small group of buildings on this side, because space was limited. At the beginning of a hill to the south, the cliffs made building houses hard, so things were tighter. And that meant more side streets. I hadn’t been down this one yet, so wasn’t sure how easily we could hide while also following.

Bela must’ve thought the same thing. “Let’s go back home, Ty.” He slightly tugged on my arm.

I thought it over.

The reason we didn’t want dad to catch us in town was because he needed to be told when people were going into town. He would always tell us, if I’m buying supplies, you can’t come. I don’t want you getting any funny ideas. Those times when he wouldn’t let us come, he would come back with the more dangerous ingredients for his shop. Only Bela was allowed to go, since he was old enough. And even then he was only allowed to go sometimes. So this must be where he was buying those ingredients. Mom must have not known or forgotten. Otherwise she wouldn’t have let us come into town. She’d probably catch it from dad later, and I shuddered at the thought. I also shuddered at the idea of us catching him. But the ingredients…it could maybe be useful to know where to get them some day.

Telling Bela the idea about this being the place for the dangerous ingredients made him give a very odd twisting with his face. A look on him that had never been seen before. But there was no time to think that over. Still need to follow dad. It would maybe be good to know where he was buying things like Gewd or Starched Sog Root.

Bela grabbed my arm. “Ty…”

Bela had never acted so aggressive. He was holding tightly and he was concerned, I could see that on his face. A deep sigh escaped him. “I know where dad is going…” He looked down at the ground, and it seemed like he was ashamed. He did not continue talking.

It took a couple seconds of surprise before the annoyance set in. “...Well?!” Tugging away from him did no good. He still held on. “Bela.” Slapping his hand caused him to let go of me. But when starting to move away from him brought his hand back. Maybe he needed a stronger slap on the hand. . . But words were probably better. “Bela!” He let go of me. He didn’t speak.

“Bela…” These words were spoken more softly. A different way of talking might help. “Tell me where he’s going.” Then more forceful. “Or else I’m going to follow him anyway.”

Bela stood there, looking at the ground again. He was moving his head back and forth, and his body was moving with him. There was a fight going on inside of him. Very bad things. There must be very bad things happening. He had never acted like this.

“Dad is…” The words stopped. But he seemed to need the time to continue. By this time, dad had been lost and only Bela could guide where he was going. “Dad is seeing another woman.”