On the lower level of the Normandy's engineering deck, Tali'Zorah was crouching by an exposed access panel, replacing the fried components within with fresh ones she'd gathered from the cargo bay. Ten days had passed since the ship had crash-landed on this det kazuat of a planet. But repairs were going painfully slow. For this ship to once again become space-worthy, she practically had to tear it apart, then put it back together.
She yawned. Her eyelids felt heavy, and the fog in her head clouded her senses. Ceaselessly, her body begged her to stop working, to go to deck 1 and once again cry herself to sleep. But she couldn't rest now, at least not for another two hours. By then, she'd get just enough rest to function during the ship's next day cycle, but not enough to dream.
To have nightmares.
The door above her opened with a metallic whine, and she cringed and botched her soldering work. Oh, not this again. She hated it when people came to talk to her. Every time they tried to make her feel better, they only made things worse. They only dug up memories of her bondmate.
Memories that broke her.
"Tali?" Garrus called. "Tali, wherever you are, come out."
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, bracing herself for the conversation to come. "What do you want?" she asked, keeping her voice as calm and emotionless as possible.
Garrus took the stairs down to the deck's lower level, then approached her. "Do you have any idea what time it is? The whole crew will wake up in just under an hour."
"I'm aware."
Garrus huffed. "Just minutes ago, Adams, Ken, and Gabby woke me up and begged me to force you to take a week off. And you know what, I agree," His gaze met hers, "you're killing yourself, Tali. Everyone on this ship cares about you, but every time someone has tried to help you, you've pushed them away. This has to stop."
She clenched her jaw and growled. He wasn't quarian, so how could he ever understand the soul-crushing agony of Felz'elt? It was so easy for him to recover from this kind of loss. "The more I rest, the longer it will take to finish these repairs. Do you not want to get off this planet?"
"We both know that's not why you're doing this," Garrus said.
She broke eye contact and looked down at the deck, sneering and gritting her teeth. A cold emptiness swelled in her chest. Her eyes stung, and she battled the urge to cry. Keelah, why couldn't he just leave her alone? When would he realize that she was beyond saving, that she was broken with no hope of recovery?
He took a deep breath through his nose, his eyes brimming with concern, "Look, I know how much you've been suffering lately. What happened on Earth…it wasn't fair. But one way or another, you need to move on. Shepard's death has been hard–"
She stopped listening. Like a bursting dam, the memories came flooding back.
Her mind flashed back to her time on the SR-1, to the giddiness that surged through her when he swept her away on the adventure of a lifetime.
"Your ship's amazing, Shepard. I've never seen a drive core like this before."
It flashed back to their reunion on Freedom's Progress, to when she wept tears of joy, knowing a long nightmare had finally ended.
"John? Is that…is that you?"
It flashed back to when he confessed his feelings for her, to when she realized that her dreams weren't just childish fantasies.
"I don't want anyone else. I want you."
It flashed back to their magical first night together, to the feast of sensations that left her sweating and gasping.
"This will only be the first of many wonderful memories we'll share with each other. I promise."
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It flashed back to the best day of her life, to when she finally embraced the missing half of her soul.
"So tell me, Miss Vas Normandy…will you be my saera?"
It flashed back to their night before the final battle for Earth, to when she savored and cherished every second she had with him, trying to form, and then burn as many happy memories into her consciousness as possible.
"Once we're on Earth's surface, know that I'll be fighting not for the galaxy, but for you and our future."
Then finally, it flashed back to when he left her behind, to when Felz'elt sunk its claws into her psyche and raked away at her sanity.
"I have a home."
"Come back to me."
Icy pain ravaged her chest and squeezed the breath out of her lungs. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks, and her hands began to tremble. Abandoning her tools, she shoved past Garrus, then rushed up the stairs, shutting off her audio emitters to muffle her rising sobs.
"Tali!" Garrus shouted, following her. "Tali!"
She stepped into the elevator, then closed its door behind him. She took the elevator to deck 1, and canceled the decontamination cycle before entering John's cabin. With her omni-tool, she locked herself within, then only made it a few steps before collapsing to the floor, unable to hold in her pain any longer.
She curled into a ball and hugged herself. Her chest heaved with racking sobs, and swelled with icy pain that crushed her lungs. Rocking back and forth, she struggled to breathe. Her eyes stung, and she could hardly see through her tears.
Just finish the repairs. Just finish the repairs. Just finish the repairs.
Yes, as soon as they were done, as soon as her crewmates were safe and off this planet, she'd have no more responsibilities. She'd finally get to join the ancestors.
And see her saera again.
----------------------------------------
Garrus Vakarian paced back and forth, clenching his jaw and huffing through his nose. Spirits, since Shepard's death, nothing was going right. Everything was falling apart.
Yes, with Shepard gone, the whole ship was always so dreadfully quiet. Nobody ever smiled or laughed, and everybody just wanted to be left alone.
Especially Tali.
He growled. Since the crash, his last conversation with her had been the longest exchange she'd had with anyone. But he just had to say something stupid and only make things worse. He clenched his fists. Every time he tried to be like Shepard, he always failed. He always came up short.
Just like how he did on Omega!
He roared, then slammed his fist into the bulkhead. Spirits, he needed a drink, anything to calm his nerves. He took the elevator to deck 3, then made his way to the bar. Within, he sat on the nearest barstool and poured himself a glass of turian brandy.
He took his first sip. How did you do it, Shepard? How did you keep it all together?
Yes, Shepard had always made leadership and command look so easy. No matter the situation, he was always so calm, so in control. No challenge or setback had ever shaken his confidence or resolve.
He took another sip. After his sacrifice, humans and turians alike would remember him as one of the greatest warriors to ever live. No doubt, his actions would ripple across history for eons to come.
He took his third sip, then huffed through his nose. Spirits, what was he going to do? Somehow, he had to bolster the crew's morale. Somehow, he had to drag Tali out of her pit of despair. He couldn't just give up on her. She was his sister in all but name, and he'd never forgive himself if he ever allowed her to do anything…extreme.
He finished off his brandy, then poured himself another glass. Briefly, he looked back to when Shepard had left her behind.
"I have a home."
"Come back to me."
Spirits, he had never witnessed anything so sad. Since the SR-1 days, he had watched their love grow, and then bloom into something so beautiful.
Yet the Reapers just had to shatter it! They just had to murder his best friend, and leave Tali broken and traumatized.
He sipped his brandy. Spirits, he'd never forget how she reacted when Chakwas had told her the news, how she had locked herself in Shepard's cabin, refusing to leave for three days. Regularly, he'd go up to deck 1 to check up on her, and leave a few tubes of nutrient paste just outside the door.
But she'd never respond to his words.
All he'd hear were here tortured wails permeating through the walls. And spirits, those wails would haunt him for the rest of his life.
He gulped down the rest of his brandy. Will she ever come back from this? Would she kill herself once they got off this planet, once the crew inevitably disbanded? The thought sent a chill through his insides. Whatever the case, he'd do everything possible to convince her that life was still worth living, that eventually her pain would dissipate to tolerable levels, and that one day she'd find happiness again. Surely, Ashley and Liara would be more than willing to help.
The door to the lounge opened with a metallic whine. He turned and spotted Traynor stepping inside.
"Ah, good morning," she said. "I figured I'd find you here."
Garrus grunted. Why were humans always so fond of announcing the time of day? "What is it? Something I should know?"
Traynor sighed, then handed him a datapad. "Here's yesterday's progress report."
He began to skim through it. Apparently, the ship's QEC would be back online in about two months. A month after that, the ship should also become space worthy again, and had just enough fuel to make it to the nearest inhabited system.
If the relay network ever came back online.
"If you scroll to the bottom," Traynor said, "there's something you really ought to know."
He stopped reading and looked Traynor in the eye. "What?"
"It's about our food supply."