Once upon a time I felt like I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart. I'm not even sure when I fell for Jack. I took a second job at Starbucks because I was bored with only one. 40 hours a week helping not quite lawyers foreclose on houses was boring. Not to say there wasn't some funny moments. There was someone who wrote in saying they would payoff their loan in silver coins and if we didn't take it we were scam artists. While i was working, i had to get the first notice of default out within the business day because they were Freddie Mac loans (FHLMC). So that even if the banks sent us a file at 4:50 pm, we had to do a rush check to see if they were dead or in the military and check how many addresses they had and if everything checked and we were able to get the mailing notice out by the post office closing time of 5pm, we were in the clear. And if we got it at 4:59pm we might have been shit out of luck, but for some reason, it was our company's fault and therefore my fault. That was my life, I worked 40 hours a week helping banks foreclose on houses. I was under no illusions. My job consisted of kicking people out of their homes.

It makes me remember my friend. She always claimed that i was a "goody two shoes." Am i really? I never did anything because i felt it was 'right.' Most of the reason i stayed out of trouble was because i didn't want my parents to notice me. I didn't want my father to notice me. I wish he had stayed consistent throughout all of my childhood. You see, he ignored me for most of my life. He ignored me until I grew up enough to make it obvious that i was going to be a woman someday.

That's when dad started to talk to me. He told me things like i should date until i was married. That going to a good college was what i should do to meet good men that would become my husband. Indirectly, he taught me that my life wasn't worth living unless i was supporting a man. He taught me the bible, which said, "husband love your wife, wife obey your husband." Can you see the difference between those words? The gulf that exists? i can. I can because it was how i was taught by my father.

No wonder my mother was depressed. No wonder she considered going back to him even after he would pinch her to see if she was awake. No wonder she would consider him he husband even after he hit her.

The problem was that he lost his control. He lost his control and hit her in places that other people could see. He could never go back because he was ashamed that he lost his control to that extent.

It's now that i have to say that i'm daddy's litttle girl. I hate myself for it, but i'm daddly's little girl. As much as i regected that i didn't want to be a wife and mother, as much as i hated dolls, i am still my father's daughter.

When push comes to shove, my first instant is still to ask, how do i manipulate you into doing what i want.

Unfortunatly, he wanted me not to date until i was married. My mother was a non=entity. she took what dad gave and would have taken more if dad wasn't so ashamed of losing his temper enough that it would show.

That was my dad. and unfortunately, I'm daddy's little girl.

When i was growing up all i knew was that dad was gone more than mom. Physically at least. But when i started hitting puberty, dad started to try to grow me into his idea of a woman. Luckify, by that point i had learned how to read. I read so many books before that point and thank god. When i read books, i wasn't a man or a woman. I was just something that could read. It was as much as what made me as my parents. I was Huckleberry Finn. I was Peter from Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. I was the main character, whether they were male or female.

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So, by the time my father decided to teach me that i was less than, I had already somehow realized that i was human before everything else. I am human enough to be tempted by an old womans riches, the same way as in Crime and Punishment. I feel responsibility for my fellow man, the same way as the main character from Issac Asimov novels.

After all that, after all i had learned about humanity, you decided to tell me that my purpose in life was to find a man to follow.

If i was more like mom, i wouldn't have found any fault in it,, but i took after you. I was my father's daughter to a fault. I have all your faults.

Even now, i think that half of the reason i drink so much is to kill off enough brain cells to be what you wanted me ot be. A wife who obeys her husband despite being so much like her father.

Do what i say, not what i do never actually worked for parents. God knows that i took after my father despite being the wrong gender.

I suppress all my feelings, but i took a social problem's class that let me know that anger was a secondary emotion. I didn't realize how much of my anger was just pain until i took that class. I suppress all of my emotions because crying isn't something i should show and anger isn't something that others should see.

So even when i got 'A's in all my classes i didn't skip a grade because i didn't know it was possible. When i ignored my teachers, it didn't matter, because i knew the answer anyway. I was so bored, but I didn't dare attract attention. I didn't learn anything for years, but it was the speed that everyone else was at, so I went along with it.

If i knew that all i had to do was say i wanted to skip a grade and take a test, i would have done it in a heartbeat, but i didn't. Instead i kept being called the teacher's pet, just because i was smart enough to answer questions. I was teased by boys, although i didn't realize until much later it was because i developed before all the others in my grade and they had a crush on me because i had breasts.

Once i started realizing it, i tried my best to stay invisible just the same. I wore baggy sweaters even in summer. It was suffocating, but it was better than people looking at me.

I survived under the radar. I learned to forge my parents' signatures and everything was fine, even when i stayed up too late to get up on time to go to school in the morning.

"Please excuse my daughter's absence."

Turn it into the front office and no one would think it necessary to leave any messages on the answering machine.

That's how i lived. For the most part neither parent taking notice of their daughter until i started hitting puberty . Even after, there was only the expectation that i would be a child of God and a good wife from dad. From Mom, there was nothing. Mom treated me more like a moving doll than a living, breathing person. Is it sad to think that my (sexist) father treated me more like a person than my mother? No wonder I was daddy's little girl. My father might have treated me as a biblical woman, but my mother didn't even treat me as anything more than a doll.

I AM ALIVE! I AM REAL! I'm not some wooden boy called Pinocchio. I'm a real person, weather my parents ever realized it or not. I'm not just some offshoot extension of my parents whether they ever realized it or not.

But it's still my fault. Its my fault that i didn't reject your desires, not yours for pushing your desires onto me. it's my fault that i have any other desire other than to be a support for the "man" that i choose. I am always in the wrong.

I seem to only be able to fall in love with a damaged person. "i like that you're broken, broken like me." What options does that leave me with?

I already fell in love with someone who was on the verge of suicide enough to commit it when he had a chance. I gave him the chance. Why can't i give myself the chance? Why can't i just slit my wrists? or my throat? Cross my 'T's.