North American Province
Tannersville, New York
June 5th, 2176 A.D.
“No.”
“This is not fair! Mom let us use the car all the time! We are only going to Mt. Tremper; it’s not even that far!”
Anthony winced at the shrieking assailing his ears as both Megan and Bridget continued to shrilly lament the injustice of being almost thirteen-year-old girls who thought they were adults but were still being treated like kids.
“I don’t care what your mother let you do while I was 10,000 light years away. The answer is still no.” Anthony replied, using his most authoritative command voice that could make 25-year-old ensigns piss their pants upon hearing it.
They were not ensigns, and Anthony realized his mistake as they both screeched at even higher octaves than before, approaching the realm of dolphin noises and completely drowning out the World War Three documentary he was watching on the holoscreen.
Closing his eyes and begging God to please take him back to the Forbidden Zone, Anthony tried to center himself and control his rising anger, failing miserably as they continued to scream like banshees.
Something snapped inside of him, and he hurled himself out of the chair and spun around to face them, a feral snarl on his face as he eyed the source of his rage. They immediately shut up and froze, their eyes filled with a fear that no parent ever wanted to see in the eyes of their children.
Seeing the terror in their eyes and knowing that was how they felt about their father right then and there crushed his soul, and his anger vanished as the feral snarl on his face was replaced with abject sorrow.
He took a hesitant step towards them and raised his hands in a placating gesture as he began to apologize. His movement broke them out of their immobilized state, and they bolted from the room with tears streaming down their faces.
He remained where he was, hearing them running to the front door and then the sound of the solid oak door being slammed against the wall as they fled the house. His hands were still raised up and were now shaking violently, and he could feel his throat constricting as another panic attack came.
Falling to his knees, he leaned forward until his head touched the tiles, feeling the coolness of it against his forehead as he tried to breathe through the attack and prevent it from overtaking him completely.
One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. Hold.
The panic and terror continued to engulf him, and Anthony rolled onto his side and brought his knees up, hugging them against his chest with his arms. Tears streamed down his face as the faces of his dead crew flashed across his tightly clenched eyelids.
Jim’s face came to the forefront, and Anthony moaned as Jim’s face slowly decomposed before finally turning into a grinning skull that taunted him, the black pits where his eyes used to be looking at him accusingly. The skull began to talk, and he heard Jim’s voice in his head.
You left me behind. You left us to die. You let us all die. You should have died with us.
The logical part of his brain shut down, and Anthony felt himself hurtling into the abyss.
Anthony, I’m here. It’s okay; just listen to my voice and come back to us.
He heard her voice, sounding like it was in some distant part of the void he was trapped in. The air felt thick, and he struggled to breathe it in and give his lungs the oxygen they were screaming for. He could feel his back being rubbed, and he desperately clung to the sensation of the physical touch.
It felt familiar, and it promised safety and a way out of the black pit he was lost in. He focused on the soft, soothing sounds of Evelyn’s voice and followed it blindly, knowing it would save him and take him from where he was.
Her voice grew stronger, and the feeling of her warm hands rubbing on his back felt more real with every step he took. He could now feel the coolness of the tile he was lying on against his skin, and the voice sounded like it was right next to him.
“Just breathe, Baby. I’m here. Just breathe.”
The hands rubbing on his back stopped, only to be replaced with an enveloping warmth as she laid down next to him and spooned him. He blindly reached out with his right hand and she took it, squeezing it in hers while she whispered in his ear.
His eyes ached, and he realized that he was still clenching them shut. He relaxed his eyelids, still afraid to open them. Evelyn continued to murmur softly to him, her cinnamon-scented breath lightly caressing his ear as she soothed him with words of love and understanding.
Still holding his hand, he could feel her shifting against his curled-up body before she hugged him tightly with the arm holding his hand and began to lightly run the fingers of her other hand through his hair.
“I am here, my love. Take as long as you need to come back to me.”
The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.
Ashamed of his weakness and loss of control, Anthony finally opened his eyes, the daylight forcing its way through the blurring of his tears. He took shuddering gasps and tried to speak, his mouth refusing to work properly.
He swallowed a couple of times and tried again, whispering to the spirits of his dead crew.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry I am home and all of you are dead. I led you to your deaths, and I didn’t go down with the ship… like a good captain should. Please forgive me; it is not fair… I am home, and you are not.”
Evelyn didn’t say anything; she had seen this happen three times already, and nothing she said ever made it better when he reached this final stage of his flashbacks. She hummed softly and continued to play with his hair, letting him come back to her when he was ready.
After a few minutes, Anthony could breathe normally again, and he stared at the wall, running his eyes up and down the top of the baseboard where it joined the wall. He could see the poor job the prior occupant did cutting in the paint, and he focused on it.
I need to fix that. Some caulking and the leftover paint in the garage will take care of that.
The random thought seemed to ground him, and he was now fully in the moment and back again. He took several deep breaths, remembering the fear in the eyes of the twins as they saw the rage on his face.
“The twins? Are they… okay?”
Evelyn cleared her throat and answered him in a carefully neutral tone, though he could tell she was upset by what had happened.
“They called me crying, Anthony. They were terrified of you. Megan thought you were really going to hit them this time. She said it was different, that you looked at her and Bridget like you hated them.”
Anthony closed his eyes again, deeply ashamed of himself and what Evelyn was describing. This time was different; he had never felt a rage like this before, and he had to stop lying to himself.
He needed help, badly. If Jim were still alive, he could talk to him and work it out with his help as he readjusted to returning to civilian life and got his bearings. Now that Jim was gone, there was no one else he would be willing to open himself to like that.
He didn’t have any friends on Earth who would understand, to lean on for help anymore. Davis was on a battleship, and Simmons was living in the Hive.
Evelyn must have been reading his mind, because what she said next was exactly what he was thinking about.
“You need someone to talk to, Anthony. Someone who could understand what you are going through. Why don’t you give Bader a call and see if he’s still on Earth? Maybe you guys could meet up.”
He didn’t even think of Bader, and he answered her quietly.
“Bader is not my friend, not like that, Evelyn. I can’t just call the guy and dump all my problems onto him; it would not be right to do that to him.”
Evelyn snorted at his answer, not believing a word he just said. He heard her sucking air through her teeth, a habit she had when she thought something he said was an excuse or just plain stupid.
“He might not be your friend, Anthony, but he is your brother. He rescued you and your crew, and you’ve been in battle together. Give him a call and ask to meet up with him if he is on Earth.
This can’t keep happening, Anthony. I am worried that this is only going to get worse. Have you been taking the meds? Are they not helping you at all?”
Anthony rolled his eyes at the mention of the anxiety meds, grateful that she was not able to see him doing so as he answered her.
“I told you; they screw up my stomach, and I can’t shit for days when I take them. I need something else.”
“Then get something else. This has to stop before it gets worse, Anthony. We are already walking on eggshells around you. We are trying our best to support you through this, but you have to do the same for us as well. Please call Bader, and please call the doctor, okay?”
“Okay, I will. Thank you for being here for me. I’m sorry you had to deal with this again. How did you get here so fast?”
“I was on lunch break and already on my way here when they called me. I forgot the data drives for my 3 pm meeting, and I was five minutes away. I’m just glad this happened the way it did; otherwise, the girls would have called an ambulance or gone to the neighbors for help if they came back and found you like this.”
Tired of talking to the wall, he gently squirmed around to face Evelyn. Once they were face to face, he stared into her eyes and pulled her into him with his free hand.
“Where are they?”
“I let them take the car to go to Mt. Tremper, and they will be staying over at Marissa’s house tonight. I do not want to come home from work to find our daughters hiding in their rooms because of what happened.”
Annoyed, Anthony let go of her and rolled onto his back. He stared at the ceiling as he tried his best not to get angered by what she had just told him.
“I told them no, Evelyn. Their screaming and arguing with me over that is what caused this to happen in the first place. I am their father, and I am tired of them not listening to me and getting you to say yes whenever I say no. It undermines me every time you do this.”
Hearing her suck air through her teeth again, he steeled himself for what she was about to say as he continued to stare at the stark white ceiling.
“Anthony, you were gone for a long time. You might be their father, but the dad they knew still hasn’t come back home to them. Not yet. You are trying to run things in this house like you are still a captain, and you have been treating our daughters like crewmen.
I gave them a lot of freedom because it was the only way to keep my sanity while raising two young girls alone. You were thousands of light-years away, and it was hard on all of us. They were used to you being away all the time, but you were gone for two years this time, Anthony. Two whole years.
The girls adapted, and they matured faster than they were supposed to. You have to learn to trust them, stop being their captain, and start being their dad again. Also, they are almost thirteen, babe.
They are not little girls anymore; they are young women now. Do you know they both have boyfriends, Anthony? They haven’t brought them home to meet you yet because they are afraid you will overreact and scare the shit out of them if they did.”
Anthony rubbed his face and groaned at the mention of the twins having boyfriends. He was not ready to face the fact of the twins turning into little women that liked boys in that way.
He manufactured two little zit-faced punks in his mind, a sinister smile breaking out on his face as he imagined squeezing their scrawny little necks in each hand for daring to even look at his girls.
He found himself wanting to meet them badly. There were a variety of ways in which he could torture them, so many ways he could let them know that he would beat the living crap out of them if they ever stepped out of line or hurt his daughters.
“Really? I’d like to meet them.”
Evelyn laughed, not believing what he just said one bit.
“Yeah, I don’t think so, Anthony. So, are you going to call Bader?”
Turning his head, he looked at Evelyn and nodded, telling her what she wanted to hear with his eyes. She leaned her face close to his and kissed him, her hand moving down his stomach.
Pulling her head back, she looked at him mischievously as she made a big production of looking at her wristcom.
“Oh darn, I only have another twenty minutes before I have to go back to work. Too bad you are not feeling well; we so rarely have the house to ourselves.”
Evelyn made to get up off the floor, and Anthony put his hand out and pushed her back down. Evelyn giggled as he rolled himself on top of her.
He was suddenly feeling a lot better, and he watched as Evelyn set a fifteen-minute timer on her wristcom before giving him that look.
“Fifteen minutes? That’s mighty generous of you. I’ll be done in two.”
Evelyn cracked up laughing as they hurriedly started taking off each other’s clothes.