I don't know what it means. And I don't like that.

The first thing Lucy told me... it's not something pleasant to know. After that, she'd never told me anything much. She'd helped me out here and there, but other than that, she'd done nothing but hang around me. She's been indecipherable since the start, and I've been ignoring her to keep myself from becoming frustrated.

I copy the entire design to my implant and destroy the physical copy. I don't know much about it, and I'm not sure if I want anyone else to get their hands on it.

Then I sit back and close my eyes.

I'm tired. Just... tired. I wish I'm still the me-from-before. The ever-energetic me. The one who would've been amazed what I just built. Or didn't build.

But I can't go back to how I was. I have to go on as I am, now. I can't turn back time.

No matter how bad it gets sometimes.

"Dan," I hear Grace in my mind.

"Yes?" I say.

"Is something wrong? You don't look so good." She says.

Damn it. I don't like showing vulnerableness. It had been long since been instilled in me, to always to put up a strong front. You can't afford to be weak when you face pirates. That's just plain suicide.

Also, I like to take care of my own problems. I don't need help. Not when I've been dealing with them myself for a long time.

So I just shrug it off.

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Really?" 

I resist the urge to frown and instead smile.

"Yes. It's... It's personal. You wouldn't understand." I say.

"Okay... But-I'll be here if you need me, alright?" She said.

I appreciate the offer. Truly.

"Okay, thanks." I plaster a smile on my face. I yawn.

"I think I'll be going to sleep now."

----------------------------------------

I wake up with a start, the next day.

I had a nightmare about the first time I killed a person. I've already come to terms with I have done, but the nightmare has unearthed some of the feelings I had back then.

It's still way early in the morning, but I can't go to sleep, not with the turmoil seething inside me.

"Dan? What's wrong? Are you alright?' Grace asked, concern oozing out of her voice.

I had shown signs of being unstable yesterday. And now I'm again feeling unstable again. Honestly, I'm not even sure what's going on with me.

I know how to keep a stable mind. However, right now, I feel too miserable to try.

It's getting worse. And the thing is, I don't deal with many emotions on my day to day life. As such, when I get emotional, I'm hit hard.

"Yeah, I'm-I'm fine. Don't worry about me." I say as close my eyes, suppressing the storm within.

"I'm not an idiot, Dan. What's wrong?" She asks.

I massage my temples as I sigh.

"Listen, It's... something I have to deal with myself, alright? I ca- don't need anybody to help me." I say.

She falls silent for a second or two, before speaking.

"You don't trust me. I get that. But... seriously-I can help. And... I'm..." She sighs. "Protective of you. It's inbuilt. So...please... let me help."

As she finishes talking, she hugs me. Not in reality, but through our neural connection. And, the turmoil dies down a little. It doesn't go away, but I'm still filled with a sense of relief. At least now it's on a level that was manageable.

I sigh and hug her back.

I don't remember the last time I've been hugged. Or shown any affection for. I think that's why it feels so good. Why it's able to take away the feelings of pain, disgust, depression, and... generally a hodgepodge of every other negative emotion out there.

And while it lasts, I realize the cause of the swings in my mood.

The calm... it usually lasts for more than a month or so. Less if I go through stressful situations. But yesterday, the trance I'd fallen into... the other times are nothing compared to that. I can barely remember a thing from what happened while I was in the trance, but I remember the feeling of...

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Nothingness. That's how it felt.

And I'm guessing this is the backlash. Nothing comes without a price. Now that I think of it, there are a couple of times I fall into depression after the cal. Sometimes it's mild, and sometimes... it isn't. I'd dismissed it back then, thinking it to be nothing of note. Now though, I'm going to have to watch out for that.

Grace lets go of me, in our mental connection. I let go too. I blink and realize at some point, I'd shed some tears. The concern I felt, rather than saw, from her brought some warmth to me.

I also sense some awkwardness. Which is normal, and is rather refreshing too.

I'd detached myself from people a long time ago. I don't even remember why. I had a reason... but I'm finding it hard to recall. Now, though, I;m starting to reconnect.

I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I shrug, deciding that I would find out in time.

"Thanks," I say, breaking the silence.

She smiles.

"No problem. Though... some of your emotions leaked over... I don't want to step over some invisible boundary, but what happened?" She asks.

I ponder on how to answer. A part of me wants to open up and tell her, but another part of me is cursing that part of me for being a total idiot. And I agree because I barely know her. I might be able to... grow, personally, or whatever the term is, but the risk is too high.

I decide to settle for a compromise.

"I... don't think I can tell you now. Maybe in the future." 

She smiles.

"I understand,"

My mouth opens and then closes.

She reaches over and brushes my hair.

"I know it's not time yet, for training, but, as you said, time is precious. How about we spend some time flying?" She says.

My response is immediate.

"No. Just... no." When I see the confused look on her face, I add, "It's complicated. Another thing I might explain in the future."

"Alright, then let's play some VMMORPG. There's a couple of pods you can use."

----------------------------------------

I end up heading to one of the side branches of the school, where I find the division focused on entertainment.

Sometimes, believe it or not, entertainment can be exactly what a person needs to get better. Like a single-minded training maniac. The entertainment division is built exactly for that reason, but also because the teachers are humans too. They can't work all the time.

I ignore the various zero gravity sports and battles and instead head to a virtual reality pod.

VR pods are built to sustain the body for however much time required. As for training, soldiers and Sentinels are forced to undergo excruciating training in them-that usually lasts for large amounts of time, like months together. They don't dilate time like some Holo movies suggest, as that requires a frightening amount of processing power. As it is, for a single world, you need around three large-scale quantum computers to act as servers. If you wanted to speed up time inside, while not frying the brains of the players, you would easily need around ten times that.

Some of the larger games span entire galaxies. In reality, we haven't even finished covering this one galaxy. There are still countless star systems to cover.

But, you have a set amount of time you could spend in a V.R in a week. The rule is set so that people won't lose track of reality. They're also countless other precautions, but I don't bother recalling them all. I know the essentials when it came to V.R, and that's enough.

Your tag's what made sure you can't spend more time in a V.R than possible. The pod kicks you out forcefully if you didn't leave quick enough.

I was one tempted to mess around with my tag, to spend the rest of my life in a V.R, after I had learned of the event. The only thing that stopped me, was, crazily enough, Lucy. She used psychological tactics and scared me half to death that time. She'd spent an entire month lurking around me to make sure I didn't dive in.

Now, I have this mental block that makes me spend only enough time to enjoy myself.

I hop into a pod and lie down. A few seconds later, I'd established a connection and am back in my favorite VMMORPG.

It's realistic, and in it, I'm the captain of the Stars above-ship. I'd earned enough fame that most players, at least the ones who chose to go down the bad guy route, avoid me.

This time though, Grace joins the game as well. I replace my weapons manager with her, because, one, I'd been wanting to get rid of that player for a long time, and two, I need a weapons specialist.

And A.Is learn quick. Two battles later, she's already impressing the other players. As for me, well, I'm treated with respect. I don't really socialize much, as I focus on the battle aspect of the game rather than the other stuff that most players tend to go to. I mean, socializing was nice, but I'd long since adapted to being a loner.

I also know that some of the players have a crush on me.

I stand at the bridge, eyeing the other party's massive fleet. I command one ship, while he has hundreds. It's a battle between quality, and quantity.

He tries to swarm me while using a lot of firepower, but I pull off a warp stunt, returning all that fire to the central three ships. He sacrifices a lot of ships to tank that attack.

I then overload my engines, and pull off a missile launch at point blank, crippling the central ship's engines. The rest is simple, they sacrifice a lot of firepower for defense, and I just use a couple tactics after to obliterate his ship. I blow up his fusion reactor, and that takes out the rest of his fleet.

My crew cheers, as I maintain a sly, arrogant facade' as if I knew this was going to be the outcome from the start. Grace is awed by my battle prowess, I think. A lot of people play this game, but no one plays it like I do.

What follows is a few badges from the Alliance and a major increase in fame. The Head had told me to expect a title by the end of the week.

I'm forced to log out after that, due to my training schedule. I'm not wholly me, though, some of the Captain carries over. As such, when I go through the test, I perform way better than last time. But still not good enough. Once again I'm taken to the infirmary and treated by the same nurse.

"You are too hard on yourself." She says as she finishes scanning my body for the umpteenth time.

I shrug.

"Maybe. Why does it matter?"

"Because you are human. You should be enjoying life, not fighting."

I sigh.

"I know," 

Then I notice the old man staring at me, from one of the cubicles. He smiles when he realizes that I've caught him staring.

I leave the infirmary and head to a Builder's meet.

A meet is where people of the same path come together to discuss ideas, and mingle. I'm excited, considering that it's the largest amount of Builders I've seen in one place.

When I'm heading there, I notice Dyne and another guy moving in the same direction. The guy's looking at one of the girls, so I don't see his face. Dyne catches sight of me and waves me over.

"Hey man, are you alright?" He says.

I'm confused until Grace shows me a video of a concerned Dyne as he sees me enter, and then him slowly getting weirded out by my lifeless look as I work. I'm creeped out as well.

I smile, and I nod.

"Sorry, you had to see that. I kinda had this inspiration.. and I fell into some sort of trance... honestly, I'm surprised as well."

He smiles and pats on the back.

"It's alright man. Did you get anything out of it?"

This time, I genuinely grin.

"Yup. Definitely."

"Cool. Well, remember I told you about that friend of mine? The one who's always a shut-in?" He nudges the other boy out of his stupor.

And then he turns around. I'm reminded of a familiar face.

"Dan, I'd like you to meet Colby."