Astrid

Men’s laughter echoes through the night air. The crunch of gravel beneath their boots as they slide their feet lazily reaches my ears from where I watch, concealed in the shadows.

I catch the pale shade of his hair under the moonlight. From behind, his shoulders are broader than I remember, which takes me by surprise because he has spent his months resting in town rather than training in the military.

Damian bids his fellow friends farewell in a less than graceful manner. One of them claps a hand over his back and drunkenly declares that he is, indeed, the “most gallant lad this cruel world will never see!”

Finally, they leave him. And just in time, too – he is almost within my reach.

“Captain Federer.”

He starts. He looks around and blinks, as if he has imagined my voice. I peer at the empty road behind him before stepping out into full view.

As soon as I remove the cloak from over my head, he gasps. His fists rub the traces of alcohol out of his vision.

“Astrid?” he breathes.

“It’s me, Damian.”

Damian rushes into me. Suddenly he is all that clouds my senses, his hands on the back of my neck and my waist, pulling me towards him in a rushed, desperate kiss.

Admittedly, I did not expect this. My eyelids do not flutter close as they did the first time, but I do not pull away.

He comes to see me from time to time, my father had said. Asks for you – sometimes he even demands I tell him the truth.

And what do you say? I asked.

The same version of the truth I tell everyone else.

When he releases me, my breath has all but escaped my lungs. His hard exhales are hot and sour against my face.

“What happened to you?” he cradles my cheek with one hand and strokes my hair repeatedly with another. “Why did you leave without any notice? You promised to meet me, remember?”

“And here I am, keeping that promise. I apologize; my employer required my immediate presence. There was no notice that could be given to anyone but my father, I assure you.”

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He steps back and runs a hand through his hair. There is a restlessness in his eyes, like his mind is trying to piece together a puzzle he cannot even see.

“You never told me you were employed. What do you do?”

“Oh, I am. I…” Read. No; that would be too strange and too specific a job. “Tutor.”

Surprise crosses his face. “You tutor?”

There is disbelief in his voice. Spending all that time with Kieran has caused me to forget the one thing I disliked most about home: the people’s backward way of thinking.

But this is their time. Someday, it will be mine.

I harden my jaw. “Yes. And I learn a great deal in turn.”

“Very well.” He falls mute at my show of effrontery.

“Anyway,” I clear my throat, attempting to redeem myself with a more placated tone. “I hear you have been frequenting my house and offering to bring my father’s medication from the apothecary.”

“I do what I can in your absence,” he shrugs.

“You do not have to.”

“I want to.”

He reaches out to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear. After that, he leaves his palm to linger against my cheek. The warmth of his touch against the crisp night air makes me want to sway into him.

I turn my head away.

“You do not have to,” I say tightly. “Because you and I are under no obligation to one another. You may be free of any devotion you might have sworn to me all those months ago.”

To my surprise, Damian chuckles. He lowers his hand and folds his arms, eyes flicking to the sky before they settle directly on mine again.

“Astrid, you and I both know that a woman of your caliber is incapable of owing a relationship of complete devotion to someone like me. Which is fine by me, so long as I can have even the smallest portion of your affections.”

“I am aware of that. I am just saying that now we have a relationship of no devotion to one another. Neither of us should be shackled down by some expectation that we will someday be betrothed to each other.”

I steady myself for the underlying meaning behind my next words – more for myself than for him: “That day may never come.”

Something flashes in his eyes. At first, I perceive it as disappointment.

“Lady Astrid,” he steps up to me, the title now sounding so strange on the tongue of anybody besides my friends in the castle. “Are you saying you do not want a future with me?”

Perhaps I do. Perhaps I do not even know what I want out of a future I can barely even see.

Either way, there is no kindness in giving a person false hope.

“I cannot.” I do not lie. “I cannot give you what you want, Damian. You are better off finding a woman who can better suit your desires for the life you want to build. And when you do, I am sure you will both make each other very happy.”

“But I desire you, Astrid,” his voice is aggrieved. He steps forward, but I put my hand up to halt him by the chest. It rises and falls against my touch. When he speaks again, hints of desperate childlikeness linger in his eyes.

“Please.”

Oh, to lead a normal life. How desirable it must be for those who have the privilege of dreaming of it.

I was never gifted with that dream.

“Goodbye, Damian. And thank you.”

Reaching up on my toes, I brush my lips against his bristled cheek.