“Lady, what the Hell do you think you’re doin’?”

The forest queen’s brow flattened. “Getting food.”

“Not that food, you ain’t.” Joe-Bob leaned forward and pressed one of his hands down on the tabletop. “That one’s mine, y’hear?”

I glanced down at Andalon. “I’ll be right back,” I said, softly.

I rose from my seat and approached Esmé and Joe-Bob. “Is something the matter?” I asked.

Glaring at Joe-Bob, Esmé reached out and grabbed the very platter the ogre had been eyeing. Immediately, Joe-Bob’s hand shot out and grabbed Esmé’s forearm. It was like a lollipop stick in his grasp.

The ogre let out a low, rumbling growl. “Nothing’s the matter, Doctor,” he said, “as long as the fairy-lady lets go of my platter.”

“There’s no need to trouble yourself, JB,” I said.

The ogre scowled. “When did I say you could call me like you knew? That’ll be Mr. O’Houlighan to you.” He spat out the words.

I cleared my throat.

“Well then… here you go, Mr. O’Houlighan.” Reaching out, I turned my palms upward and grabbed hold of a platter of beef yakisoba that I conjured out of thin air. “Beef yakisoba, fresh from the kitchen. It’s perfectly identical to that platter over there in every way.” After a moment’s thought, I made a couple more pieces of beef yakisoba appear on the platter.

“No.” JB’s scowl deepened. “I don’t want another one.” He stabbed his thumb on his chest. “I want the one that I want. I’m not gonna let this bitch disrespect me and take what’s mine. I already got screwed over by those cockamamie nurses, I’m not gonna get screwed over in the afterlife, either. No one’s gonna pull a fast one over Joe-Bob O’Houlighan ever again.”

Lashing out with her arm, Esmé shot up from her seat. “That’s it!” Her hand sliced through the air. “I’ve had enough!” He black gown rippled; its golden spiderwebs shone in the Sun. “You vulgar, entitled, asshole! You don’t deserve anything!”

The purple-leaf ogre glowered. A growl rumbled in his throat.

The forest queen’s eyes glowed with green fire, and something rustled underfoot. Before JB could react, a maple sapling tree sprouted up from the grass below his loincloth, stabbing his tender bits with its sharp branches. Yelping in pain, JB stumbled back, releasing Esmé’s arm. The maple sapling wood creaked as it continued to grow. Leaves rustled into being on spreading branches, not stopping until the sapling had become a tree twice the ogre’s height.

Joe-Bob reared up tall and bellowed. “Fucking bitch!” He thumped his chest. “I’ll rip your arms off!”

“No one touches me,” Esmé said, spreading her arms. “I’m done being pushed around by boors like you.”

Sneered in contempt, the forest queen lunged at the yakisoba platter. Her ruby-red hair whipped the air as Joe-Bob grabbed her and flung her away with a swipe of his arm. She skidded across the ground, tearing through the grass with her horns until one snapped off. She screamed in pain, and the ogre roared.

Joe-Bob spread his arms wide and laid them on the table. Their thudding impact made the dishes clatter and the diners yelp. He drew the food toward himself like a gambler hoarding chips, shattering porcelain and smearing the food across the table as he gathered it up into a mound and shoved it into his jaws. Half the food didn’t even make it into his mouth; crushed cakes and mutilated meats spilled onto the dirt below, ruined and wasted.

“Nobody tells me what I can’t have!” He pounded his palms on his bloated belly. “Nobody, y’hear!”

Eunice pushed her young ward away with a gentle flick of her tail. “Get back, Spence.”

Opening her wings, the green dragon raised her forelimbs onto the table, poised to clamber on and leap at the ogre.

Across the table, Embertail bent down and bit his beak into Topher’s shirt and snatched him up. Other diners pushed away from the table and ran.

“Mr. Genneths,” Andalon yelled, “you gotta do something!”

“Everyone,” we shouted, “calm down!” All five of us dopplegenneths spread out, waving our hands as we pled for order. “W-We can resolve this without any—”

—There was a vicious shriek from off to the side. I whipped my head to look.

Esmé?

Something was happening to her. The queen of the ancient wood pushed herself off the grass with lengthened fingers and extended hands. Sharp talons clawed at the dirt. Her jaw cracked and distended, cheeks ripping open as her mouth filled with fangs. Wings burst from her back, feathered by knives.

If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

Snarling, Esmé crouched and leaned forward, and then leapt at the ogre with harpy-fury. Joe-Bob raised his arms to block her wild claws. Lacerations tore through his leafy purple hide, drawing green blood.

Joe-Bob screamed.

Eunice didn’t waste any time. Hopping onto the table, the green dragon reared up and spread her wings. She breathed in deep. Fire glowed in the gaps between the scales on her neck.

“Please!” I yelled. “Stop this!”

I was terrified of violence, no matter who it came from. I didn’t want them to go the way of Frank’s ghost. I couldn’t let these souls give into hate and fall into Hell.

Wind rippled across the grass as Reggie rose into the air. He launched at the ogre, pulling his arm back in a punch.

Esmé’s wings drew more blood from the ogre, lashing at his eyes.

Screaming and grunting, Joe-Bob grappled the wingèd queen. Squinting in rage, he bashed his forearm into her head and cast her aside.

Esmé’s wings flashed in the sunlight as she flicked her wings and took flight. The metal pinions ripped through her robes. She flew straight at the ogre, a storm of cloth, knives, and claws.

Oh no.

Now Joe-Bob was changing, too. His already massive limbs bulged bigger still. Bronze bull’s horns erupted from his head. He grew even as Reggie slammed into him, but the ogre repulsed the blow with a swat of his arm, batting the hero away.

“Stop!”

I barely saw the turquoise blur of Kreston clambering onto the table. He put on Kurama’s mask as he leapt off the edge. He changed mid-leap. Streaks of yellow flame orbited around him and then blasted out in every direction as he landed—in kitsune form—in the middle of the mêlée. The flames singed grass and charred food, making everyone stagger as they dodged. Eunice coughed up embers and fire-spray as she surrounded herself in the protection of her wings.

Kreston stared at Andalon. “Andalon, do something!”

Joe-Bob swung at Kreston, but the kitsune flicked his tails before the blow had struck, disappearing with a puff of smoke, only to appear several feet away.

Ever the peacemaker, I stuck out my arm—as did the other dopplegenneths. “Wait, no—I can still manage it!”

Andalon hopped up onto the table, raised her arms high, and shouted.

“Go away!”

But nothing happened. No light glowing in her hair or eyes. No blasting magic whoosh.

She turned to the nearest me, lost and confused. She was just as shocked by it as I was.

Oh fudge.

“Do something already!” Kreston yelled.

Us dopplegenenths stammered nervously.

With a groan, Kreston returned to human form, and then stowed the kitsune’s mask for another from Mr. Himichi’s tale: the Stone Giant’s Mask.

Color rippled across the boy’s skin and clothes as he took the shape of the mighty mountain spirit. He grew up and up, turning from a boy into a giant of living terra-cotta, as tall as Joe-Bob, and then taller still, sprouting stone version of Maikokan war-armor, headdress and all, with his human face sculpted onto the stone giant’s head.

Stone ground against stone as Kreston swung a punch at Joe-Bob. The ogre lunged toward the giant with a roar. Kreston’s stone face widened in shock as Joe-Bob’s arm and fist doubled in size, and then yelled as the ogre grabbed the stone fist and pushed it back.

Kreston staggered.

No no no no no!

If this kept, even Kreston would turn into a monster!

All of us dopplegenneths exchanged glances.

We had no choice.

We lifted our arms.

Walls of earth emerged from the ground, forming chambers and corners. The first and biggest rose in between Kreston and Joe-Bob, and Joe-Bob and Esmé right as they were all about to clash.

“Kreston,” I yelled, “get back!”

The giant stepped away.

With a roar, the ogre bashed his shoulder into the earthen barrier, forming a U-shaped indentation. Dirt and stone sprayed in every direction, along with the chunks of sod at the top of the wall. JB threw himself onto the gap, only to belly-flop onto the wall.

Eunice took flight right as the ogre’s feet overturned the ebony table, beating her wings to rise high.

The carafe of wishing water fell rolled onto the ground.

For a second time, her throat swelled with a breath of fire, only this time, there was nothing to stop her from letting loose. A wide gout of flame roasted Joe-Bob’s back, setting his leaves on fire. Eunice banked back and flew low, picking up Spence, who climbed up her arm and onto her back. The green dragon angled her wings upward and flew away as fast as she could as the walls below continued to rise.

All of me yelled in unison: “I didn’t want to have to do this!”

Another earth-wall rose from the ground, replacing the one Joe-Bob had broken. The new wall knocked him off the old one, toppling him onto his back. Rising earth formed towers that grew taller faster than Esmé could fly.

“We’ve got them!” one of me yelled.

Now for the finisher…

The towers sealed shut as ceilings extruded from the walls. The last I saw of Esmé clawing at the earthworks, screeching wordless madness; what had once been a queen of the forest was now a harpy made of chrome. The last I saw of Joe-Bob as the walls closed around him was—

—Oh no…—

—Joe-Bob tossed the carafe down his throat, right as the earthen walls sealed shut around him, trapping him with barely any room to move.

Andalon and myselves looked up at Kreston, who looked down at us, and then all our eyes glanced down as the earth began to shake beneath our feet.

“Uh… Dr. Howle?” Kreston said.

Screams of fear and confusion shot out everywhere.

The other dopplegenneths and I reacted at once. With a downward thrust of our arms, we commanded Joe-Bob’s earthen tomb to sink into the ground. It began to sink, but slowly, and only for a moment.

Almost instantly, it came to a standstill.

The walls bulged and cracked. A hideous, wrathful scream tore through the air.

“Take off the mask, now!” I yelled. “We need to run!”

The stone giant shrunk as he pulled off his own face.

The tomb erupted, blasting its roof and walls sky-high.

All my hairs stood on end as darkness rose out from the broken tomb. It wasn’t solid or liquid, but something in between. The once-ogre’s arms spread wide at the front of his verminous form; below his waist, his body a massive maggot-thing with tumescent, ooze-slicked segments. Jointed human legs burst out from each segment’s side.

The monster’s head was a caricature of Joe-Bob’s face. Atop it, bronze horns glinted in the sun. He smacked his thick, bulging lips, clacking the pearly white human teeth set into his red, scurvy gums.

Drool dribbled onto the wall-riddled ground.

“Give it to me!” he bellowed.

His arms and many legs beat the earth like a drum. His eyes sealed themselves shut, disappearing into his dark, semi-transparent flesh like wontons in crude oil.

“I want it!”

He spoke from a second mouth that opened beneath the first.

“I deserve it!”

Another mouth opened beneath that.

“I deserve it all! I deserve it all!”

They opened like wounds, slicing into his flesh again and again and again.

And then he charged at us, arms spread, legs drumming—mouths slobbering and wide.