Recording: Magical Lecture on Magic, Basic Wizardry

What. Is. Magic? Weell now. That is the million mana question is it not? I bet every last wagging beard here wants to know the answer to tha' question.

Well. I love to break to yer, so do I! No one knows the answer to that question. I can describe it to yeh. I can break it down into lil tinny pieces but I can' give yer tha' answer.

Magic. Is. Mysterious! Like Wizards! We're Mysterious -- yeh, you bet yer dangling nugget beards we're mysterious -- Magic is mysterious. So. The best we robe'ed ones can do is categorize aspects of i'.

Now which hatted feller here thinks he knows what --

You? You do? Well. Speak up, boy, we don' all have earphones wedged up in our ears now do we?

What? Yes? Quite right. Quite right. Sit down now, thank yeh.

Yes! Anima and Mana.

Well then, what is Anima? Well, looke thar, not a scruffy bearded one o' yah knows tha' answer. Well alrigh' I'll give it to ya!

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Anima. Is. -- I don' see any quills movin. What are yeh all doin? write this down -- Anima is "the summation of all work a living creature can produce from the exact point in time yer measurin up till it keels over from starvation. Is tha' not clear? No?

Ok then, let's see. Take Wizard's Apprentice Fizzywig, there -- What's that? Fizzywig isn' your name?. Well, What is it, then? Speak up! Ford!? By my humdingered nether scruff... wha' kind of hogwash Wizard's name is Ford? Tha's... Tha's some mechanics name. No self respectin hatted beard wagger is named Ford. I'm not calling you Ford. From now on, yer Fizzywig.

Anywho. Take Wizard's Apprentice Fizzywig fer example. Well, I'll take right after lunch as my point of measure. Tha' makes things easy, see. An I tell him, "Wizards Apprentice Fizzywig! Yer not to eat anythin from now on". No. Not a thing. An then I say "Whats more, I want yeh to wear yer tail hole out doin work!" Whats that? what kind of work? Don' care. Any work. An then. Then I cast a spell on im to remove all inhibitions be they mental, physical, moral... sex-ual... all of it.

Well, the summation of all tha work, up until Wizard's Apprentice Fizzywig dies from starvation, over work, lack of sleep... Tha's Anima!

Fer all yer waggling beards tha' got through cal-cul-ass before commin here, tha's an integral! Theh forwards integral across ti... an theres tha' humdigering rooster crowin again. Ok. Tha's it fer now then.

What's that? Questions? yeh've got questions? Well out with it, boy we don' have all day! Some of us have potions to stir!

Tha's yer question? Yer wan' to know why there's no witches here? Why? Yeh wan' witches here?? Well, this class is about wizardry o' course. You wan' to know abou' witchcraft, well now, tha lectures down the hall an' you can attend tha' if yer want.

I'll tell yer what now, though, boy. If yer go down there you'd best leave yer hair dangler at the door! Probably the lower one as well as the top one if yeh know wha' I'm sayin! Witches don' have em! Witches don wannem!

But you know what, boy, yeh'd best pack some pins. Witches are all about tha "pricking in their thumbs" I tell you! An' they cackle! Ohho! they....?

Oh whats that? Di'n I tell yeh to speak up already? You don' want to be a witch? Well, I don' blame yeh. Have yer ever heard a coven star' cacklin? well I'll tell ye! It will curdle yer nether stones, it will. Why....

It was at this point that the scribing quill committed its first act of magical intelligence and censored the remainder of the recording