As I walk down the the frigid streets with snow blowing in the howling winds, I rapidly found the adrenaline and excitement fading. Leaving in its place a rapidly descending sense of despair.
Everything is changed. Nothing in my life can stay the same. I’ve lost everything. I killed another person… three other people. Their lives stopped in that alley when it could have just been me.
These thoughts cycled endlessly, no matter how I tried to banish them. With each repetition I found myself falling deeper into their voracious and hateful depths. I had no idea how I would go on. How do you start over again? I keep feeling like I’ve made a series of horrible decisions even though I know none of this was a choice, not any choice that I would have survived.
Lost in the depths of my own personal hell, rehashing the day’s events, I realise that I’ve already made it close to Moretti’s. It’s nowhere near as good as the hole in the wall near work, but it’s a whole lot closer and it’s still pizza. That’s the best I can do with my dwindling motivation.
I turn the last corner and in the whirling clouds of snow it looks like a war had taken place. Buildings on both sides of the road are devastated. Small fires still burn in the rubble strewn street despite the cold's best attempt to stifle their resistance. After looking on in despair for a moment, I can take no more.
“Right…” I say quietly to myself with a hitch in my voice. It seems like such a stupid thing after everything that’s happened, but it’s the last thing I can take.
The spiraling thoughts I’ve had since I started my mission for pizza come back full force. I can no longer shake the scene of my victims, lying dead at my own hands, from my head. The sounds, the blood staining the grimey gray snow of that back alley a deep dark and hellish red.
I start to feel sick to my stomach, tears threatening at the corners of my eyes. My heart rate spikes in concert with my breathing until I am heaving deep breaths as though I were still sprinting to escape my earlier pursuers.
I’m fighting a losing battle as hard as I can to forcibly keep it together. Then it all came crashing down as I sink to my knees in the snow sobbing like I never have before. My head a swirling mess of grief, guilt and terror. As time goes on I try so hard to calm myself and nothing I try works. These thoughts aren’t to be denied.
In the end I don’t even know how long I sat there on the sidewalk in abject misery. Eventually I’ve cried myself out. I’m shaking violently from both the cold and the remainder of my emotional turmoil. I know I’ve got to get myself warm or all my troubles will come to an end in the worst way.
Finally I manage to drag myself to my feet. It takes shockingly little thought to realize I don’t have much in the way of options. I’ve got some cash on me. One of the shitty little hotels that I vowed to never patron are about my only choice.
I trudge off through the snow in search of somewhere to sleep. After what felt like hours of walking I’m not shivering as much anymore and I see a perfect candidate shithole of a hotel at the end of the street as though through a haze. As I close in I see something that against all odds elicits a mirthless chuckle.
Next to the hotel, there’s a pizza place. I’m not even hungry anymore but I’ll be damned if I can’t have that one small thing.
Wandering in the front door, I see the kid behind the counter is shocked to see me.
“What…?” I ask, my voice coming out horse and my speech slurring as though my mouth can’t keep up with my thoughts.
The kid behind the counter just shrugs. “Didn’t expect to see anyone tonight, nuttin’ but freak shows and lunatics out tonight, haven’t had a customer in ages, whad’dya need?”
Slowly narrowing my eyes at him for the implication, I realize this is the least of the bullshit I can expect and honestly it’s a drop in the bucket right now. His eyes flick to the top of my head and his eyes widen briefly. A contrite looks flashes across his face, but he says nothing.
I ask him for a slice and after a couple minutes to warm up in the oven he hands it over. Having some difficulty extracting a few bucks from my wallet I pay him. Taking my pizza to the corner as far from the counter as I can get, I dig in. Slowly eating the single slice with nothing but the hum of a failing fluorescent light to keep me company. The kid behind the counter had disappeared in the back after our transaction was complete..
After a few minutes it was as though I feel colder and the shivers seem to get worse again. A door not far from my table opens and the kid from behind the counter heads towards the front to flip the sign to closed. I finish my last bite while he bustles about closing. On his way back he stops and looks me over. “Wow, ya really look like shit, I take it ya’ve had a real rough night…?” I slowly nod in response in the midst of the shivers. “Where ya headed? Live near here?” I shake my head.
“N-N-No… g-g-going to thhhhe ho-o-otel n-next d-door.” I say struggling through the now much more intense shakes.
“Come on, I’ll help ya over there… ya look like ya need it. Ya gotta warm up or yull be in trouble.” He responds helping me up. He helps me next door where I have a slightly easier time getting the room paid for and my key all sorted. Slowly I’m starting to feel a little less like an icicle.
He helps me to my room and double checks that I’m ok before leaving, making sure that I lock the door behind him. He leaves muttering something about the Emerged. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, I’m not even paying attention anymore.
All I can think of now is bed. I climb in after ditching my wet clothes and gather all the blankets around me building a cocoon. I close my eyes with the impossible puzzle of what tomorrow would bring going through my head. Where the hell can I even go from here… It’s just hopeless. Despite my exhaustion, it’s a long while before sleep takes me.
Waking up to face the new day I’m unsure what to feel. The remains of yesterday’s breakdown are still lingering on my mind. While I’m feeling kinda rough physically, emotionally I’m feeling a lot better. Still lost, certainly, but things seems a little less bleak.
I may not know exactly what I need to do today, but I know I need to get up and at it. The reality of my new body sets in as I begin the process of extricating myself from the den of cozy blankets. It’s not as though I forgot. It’s a huge change, one that in retrospect I can see I always wanted. I was just too afraid to admit it to myself, preferring instead to try and bury it deep within myself.
Finally managing an untidy egress from bed, I trail blankets, sheets, and pillows halfway across the room. Now out of bed and standing in the middle of the room naked I start to really look myself over. I know I’ve lost a lot of height, although I’m not sure how much. I feel like I would have been only up to the chest of my former self. My boobs are… pretty big, or at least they seem big to me, and SO heavy! I’m no expert on bra sizes, but I’m guessing C cup. My waist is fairly narrow tapering out to well proportioned hips. My legs are long and well shaped. From what I can see I’m exactly what I would have wished for, were I cognisant of the secret desire in the back of my head.
I head towards the bathroom and have my first look at myself in the mirror. This is a lot to take in and a whole load of emotions flash through my head. Essentially, yes. I am cute. Yes, I am a complete and total trainwreck. My eyes are red and puffy, my hair’s in total disarray. Speaking of hair, my previously wavy brown hair was now long straight black hair. Well, I was pretty sure it was straight, right now it was more like a rats nest hanging part way down my back. My eyes are a slightly deeper shade blue than they were previously. That was one of the few features that I actually liked about myself, so I’m glad they were still there. My ears, well, yea, those are straight adorable. They are so expressive, which comes as a bit of a shock. I’ve spent my whole life hiding my emotions because that’s what guys do, right? Now they are seemingly on display without my consent or will even. I’m not sure if this pisses me off, or if it’s just embarrassing. My ears lower toward my head in response.
Buuuut it really is pretty cute…. And that feels pretty good. I giggle a little to myself and decide it’s time to quit ogling myself, and get on with it.
After using the toilet real quick I start the shower. I hop in the shower and I will admit, washing myself in my new form is pretty awesome. I really love my new shape and I take delight in all the new sensation of water playing off my breasts and running down between my legs. My skin is so smooth and wonderful. Overall 10/10 would recommend to a friend. With the notable exception of accidentally blasting water into my ears several times. Yea that sensation can fuck right off. It’s sorta like getting water stuck in normal human ears, but 1000x worse, thunderously loud and kind of shockingly painful. Each time it happens it causes me to shake my head violently. HUAAAH, not cool. Washing my tail is also… really time consuming. It really doesn’t want to cooperate. I’ll need to work on that. I must be able to learn to control it. Probably the ears too while I’m at it.
Shower complete, I step out and start toweling off. Ok, this kinda sucks too. Will this fucking hair EVER dry?! Tail too! I feel like I could use like 3 towels to get the job done. Which is incidentally exactly what ends up happening as I use every towel I could find in the bathroom.
Job done, or as close as I can get, I head back out into the room. It was pretty old and decrepit but surprisingly well kept. Well, to my eye anyways. I shudder to think about that bed now that I’m looking at it. It does however lack a hair dryer, which I’m thinking might be the missing link in my hair/tail delema. I spend a couple minutes pulling my hands through my hair trying to sort it out a little. It’s still a mess, but it’s a damn sight better than it was.
Now dry, sorta. I look at my clothes from yesterday. Not a great option but they’re all I have. That will have to be my first order of business today. I’m shocked both my shoes even made it because compared to my new smaller feet, it’s a wonder they stayed on last night. My pants are still pretty wet at the bottom, gross, but my shirt, jacket and boxers aren’t too bad.
I start pulling the ridiculously oversized clothes on with a grimace. I’m not going to lie. The prospect of buying some new clothes for myself as I am now is actually pretty exciting. I can now admit to myself that I used to look at women not just because I was attracted to them, but also because I was jealous. I’ve always envied the varied choices women have. Especially in an office environment where men just have slacks, shirt, and tie. That’s it. This just serves to heighten my displeasure with my old duds. It takes me some situating to get my tail into a ‘comfortable’ position. I’ll need to take that into account shopping for new clothes.
Pulling out my wallet to double check, I find about four hundred and some change dollars. That’s not going to get me very far at all. It crosses my mind that there is a small chance the safe in the basement of my house survived. I have thousands in bitcoin connected to a hardware wallet in there. I’ll have to see if I can sneak in and get it at some point. First clothes.
After taking out my phone to figure out where I even ended up last night, I realize it’s dead. Hopefully it didn’t get wet last night. I’ll have to find a place to charge it at some point.
I don’t know what my next step beyond getting some clothes that fit will be but as I learned long ago: When presented with a seemingly insurmountable task there’s only one way to get it done. One step at a time. Do the obvious first then move to the next bit. I check and make sure I have all of my belongings...Yea, a few hundred bucks, a dead phone, and clothes for someone like twice my size, wooo.
I leave the room and head down the stairs. I remember very little of the rest of this building. If I’d been alert last night when I came in, one look would have scared me out of here in a heartbeat. While my room wasn’t that bad the rest of the place was grody as all hell.
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No one is at the front desk on my way out and I can hear angry voices elsewhere in the building so presumably they are involved in that. I drop my key in a little drop box for key returns and head out into another blustery day.
There are fewer people on the streets than on a normal day and their demeanor seems subdued. The reality that the Emergence wasn’t a one time event is clearly sinking in and taking a toll on the spirit of the people worldwide. Just as I myself feel lost, to a lesser degree so does everyone else. Uncertainty and anxiety over what’s to come filling their thoughts.
I look around to trying to orient myself and realize that I’m not really that far from where I broke down in the snow last night. It had felt like several miles somehow, but it was closer to 6 blocks.
Wanting to spend as little time in the frigid wind whipping off the lake as possible I got moving. I head to the nearest “T” station. Someone at the station might be able to give me an idea where to go for clothes. At this point I do the majority of my shopping online, and avoid shopping in real stores like the plague. A couple of malls closed years ago, so I don’t even know what’s open.
Arriving at the platform it quickly dawns on me just how many people are prejudiced against the Emerged. My odd attire isn’t helping, I know I probably look pretty crazy, but really. The number of glares I get is astonishing. All in all it’s a minority of people, but I’m completely unused to having this much attention. By equal measure some of the looks I get from some of the men on the platform makes my skin crawl. I guess I have a lot to get used to, although the idea that I need to get used to that shit pisses me off.
I hear a loud guffaw from behind me and turn to see a teenage girl sitting on a bench behind me, she quickly gets herself under control and says “I’m sorry, it’s just your ears! Their just like a real cat! There was just something about seeing your tail start lashing back and forth like that… and the ears!” She dissolves into laughter.
“You better be careful talking to that, thing. You never know what could happen with these filthy Emerged, weren’t you paying attention yesterday?! Another lot of these freaks showed up tearing down everything built by the good people of this city. Who knows what it’ll do!” yells an older guy from a ways down the platform.
“Can it old timer.” The girl fires back.
“Seriously, I’m a person not some wild fucking animal… Dick” I yell back at him before turning back to the girl.
He’s still monologuing against the injustice of the ‘damn freaks’ trying to do whatever idiotic thing it is he’s got in his head. I tune him out and get back to the task at hand.
“Hey, I’m in some desperate need of some clothes an-” I don’t get a chance to finish as she cuts me off.
“I’ll say. Damn gurl, what did you get up to last night?” She says with a smirk and a wink.
I burn red in embarrassment at the implication. “L-Look I don’t have anything that fits OK? Last night a lot changed for me OK? OK?!” I stammer. Why did I keep repeating ‘OK’… “Any good recommendations to get something? I don’t have a ton to spend right this second though so I need to stretch my dollar a little.”
“Oh, check out a good will or something. It won’t be trendy but it won’t break the bank either.”
“Uhhh, I gotta get some… personal stuff too. Like I said, I don’t have any clothes that are gonna work. Plus, I kinda want at least some options.”
She quirks and eyebrow at me and says, “I guess just hit a cheap big box?”
“Do you happen to know of one close by? I kinda avoid those places like my life depends on it… aaaand phone is kinda dead so I can’t check myself.”
“Let me look real quick…” She says as she consults her phone. The train rolls in as she’s looking and she absentmindedly gets up and ambles towards the yellow line. “Looooks like there one a block away from the station four stops down, North exit from the station, hang a left.”
“Thanks sooooo much!” I say as we board the train.
The conversation dies out as the train gets rolling. My mind starting to replay the events of yesterday again. I’m still pretty anxious, but nothing like yesterday.
As the train rolls along I try to come up with something else to think about and I start to reminisce about my past. I’m remembering conversations with coworkers on the injustice of the dress code divide between men and women. All the times I saw some gorgeous skirt or top that just really worked, and the fact that it would never work for me. I just wasn’t the right shape for such things. I always knew I shouldn’t be having these thoughts, but they came to me unbidden. Now I realize that I no longer have to be ashamed of these thoughts. Then again, maybe I never did. These absorb my attention as I wait for my stop.
Before I know it the train is pulling into my stop. I alight from the train giving the girl a happy wave and follow her directions to the store. Excitement bubbling underneath the surface even if this is just a budget, essentials shopping trip.
I walked in through the automatic glass doors being eyed warily by the greeter. She doesn’t seem to have the guts to say anything though. Fuck her though… I focus for a second and manage to get my left ear to tilt sideways. It looks like I’m confused, but it’s the best I can do at the moment in my quest for an Emerged equivalent of sticking out my tongue. She takes an involuntary step back.
Unbelievable, I look like a hot college girl with cat ears… how the hell am I that scary… I’m cute dammit. Well, I think so anyways. I resist the sudden urge to stomp in irritation and start looking for the relevant section to get some basic clothes.
Suddenly I realize again how much shorter I am… I used to be able to easily see out across the racks and quickly locate what I’m looking for. Now… not so much. I feel like I’m wandering through canyons constructed of clothing and home stuffs. It’s sort of a small thing but it just adds to the general feeling of everything being so damn unreal.
After a few minutes of searching I find myself in the right place. I start browsing and have to stop myself from grabbing cute things at random. I really can’t afford to go crazy right now. I estimate my size and do my best to grab what I need, some budget panties are easy enough. Then I start looking at the bras… It’s not as though I’m clueless. Or at least that’s what I thought before I started looking at them to purchase for myself. Now I feel like all there are a million different types and I have no idea where to start. Again I estimate and grab a stack of different sizes and styles so long as they are fairly inexpensive. My walk over here has thoroughly convinced me of the need for support. Every step jostling my breasts about, rubbing uncomfortably on the shockingly rough material of my shirt. I grab a few sports bras of varying sizes too.
Next I move over a few aisles and have a look to see what I’ve got for options. The tail is going to complicate things. I’m looking at some skirts wistfully for a moment before realizing they are actually probably my best option for dealing with the tail. I collect a few and then go out in search of some leggings cause it’s WAY too cold out to go without something covering my legs. I realize I’m going to have to open a hole in these for my tail, but my lack of sewing abilities shouldn’t be too big of an issue I hope. The hole will be covered by the skirt. I also add some athletic yoga pants to my pile thinking I can modify them after practicing on the leggings… maybe.
Tops are the last thing on my list for this part of the trip. I’ll go for a jacket, some shoes and a few other essentials after I settle on the clothes. I pick out a few shirts, nothing too fancy. Despite my previous interests in womens clothing, which I tried really hard to pretend didn’t exist, I’ve realized I have no idea what I’m doing. I just hope I don’t look like too much of a spaz.
Moments later I find myself standing in front of the changing rooms, the lady in charge of them giving me a serious look. “Look girlie, if you try to sneak out of here with any of that jammed in you shirt or something I WILL catch you. And you know the police aren’t particularly nice to your kind. Now I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt because you look a little like my niece who is also Emerged and I know how hard it is for you… Don’t make me regret it.” She tells me as she unlocks one of the fitting rooms.
“I was wondering actually, if maybe I could wear some of them out. This look isn’t exactly doing it for me…” I reply gesturing to myself.
She lets out a little bark of laughter. “Sure thing sweetie.”
Once inside the fitting room I strip quickly and tear open the package of panties. I actually have this whole thing about people who open packaging in stores. It drives me crazy, but I’m buying these. They are mine, and I am sooooo done running around in boxers. I slip them on and am thankful I got some that sit pretty low on the hip. They aren’t quite perfect, but they don’t interfere with the junction between my tail and spine too badly. I groan with the thought of how difficult it’ll be to get good fitting clothes from now on, maybe I’ll need to actually learn to sew or something.
Moving on to the bras, it’s just as big of a clusterfuck as I’d feared. I find a couple that fit… I think. I know I’ve heard women talk about them being uncomfortable… and well, none of them seem super pleasant. I leave on the least offensive of the bunch pulling it’s tag off. It does offer some support and keeps them from being quite so mobile. Most go into the reject stack but I keep one other, and one of the sports bras in the good stack.
I move on to the leggings which I manage by folding the top a few times. Again, not perfect, a little irritating to the tail, but it’ll work for now. I realize I could probably get away using the same maneuver on the yoga pants.
The rest of the stack goes much faster as this bit is a whole lot less alien to me. I settle on a fluffy white sweater with a really wide neck. It keeps sliding down one shoulder and I think it looks really cute. Most importantly it’s fluffy, and warm. Next is a pleated grey skirt. It’s pretty short making it maybe not quite to my mid thigh. That worries me for a couple seconds until I look in the mirror. I realize I don’t have the most discerning eye, but I think I look pretty cute and I’m a lot more comfortable. The length of the skirt doesn’t even bother me because I like the way it looks over my black leggings.
Back outside the fitting room the woman looks me over and gives me a thumbs up. “Put what you aren’t going to buy on the rack to your left hun.” I do, keeping a couple changes of clothes with me and grab a cheap pair of sweats and a hoodie while I’m at it.
In the shoe section I have to tear myself away from the heels and such. I’m sure I’d make a mess of trying to walk in them but I can’t help picturing myself in several of them just the same. I figured I could use a cheap pair of running shoes and maybe some of those boots I see so many girls wearing. I honestly kinda hate those things, but I’m a little more concerned with functionality and they seem warm as hell. It takes me a couple minutes to find some that fit. Again, I’m wearing the boots out of here. I’m done clomping around in my still wet shoes from yesterday.
With that all sorted I figure I’ll grab a couple other essentials, a brush, a few hair ties, and I’ll be damned if I don’t grab a scrunchie while I’m at it. I try to keep it to a minimum for the most part, but there’s a lot of stuff you need when everything in the world has been ripped away from you. Despite everything that’s happened in the last 24 hours, I’ve enjoyed this shopping trip. I find that it’s a lot more fun buying clothes for a version of myself that I actually like.
I make it to the cash register where a middle age woman starts ringing up my stuff. She clearly hates her job and doesn’t want to be there. After she rings everything else up I hand her the tags for what I’m wearing.
She raises her eyebrow and sighs as though I’m an idiot or something, then scans the tags. Right before she reads the total I snatch a phone charger from next to the register and hand it to her. She rings that too. “Two hundred sixty-three dollars and forty-seven cents.”
Ouch. It’s not like it was all that expensive, but it really does eat into what little I have.
Leaving the store I spot a coffee shop nearby and figure that will be a good next stop. I can get some caffeine and a breakfast sandwich or something. Maybe find a plug to charge my phone some.
A few minutes later I’m sitting at a table near an outlet, licking the crumbs of my croissant sandwich thing off my fingers waiting for my phone to finally boot up. It was so dead it refused to even try at first just displaying the charging icon in the center of the screen instead. I’m just glad it seems to be working.
You’d think I’d be worried about being tracked with it, but again, I’m not who I was yesterday. If push comes to shove I’ll just ditch it. Right now I’m dangerously short on options and it’s pretty much the only way I have to contact one of the only people I know who might be able to help me out.
As the phone finally finishes booting I was hoping to see a message or two from Matt, but I only see a notification of an update to one of the code repositories as work. I’m no coder, but Matt gave me access ages ago, because I do like to tinker and sometimes it helps us coordinate. The change is marked visible only to Matt and I. It’s a single text file containing a URL.
I copy the URL into my phones browser and after a couple security warnings it downloads a pretty shady looking chat app.
There are no names in the app but almost immediately a little anime catgirl pops up with ellipsis next to it. For a second I’m shocked, vaguely aware of my tail going straight up behind me. HOW DOES IT KNOW!
Oh wait… I’m an idiot. I deflate a little in self inflicted embarrassment. That’s Matt’s avatar. I have no idea how I could have lapsed and forgot that. He has pictures of that same catgirl as his background on like every piece of electronics he owns… This could get a little awkward, I’m pretty sure I’m still just in to girls.
[ :3 ] holy shit dude!
[ :3 ] where have u been
[ :3 ] ?
[ * ] uhhh, alot has happened
[ :3 ] look, I can help u get out of town if you arent already
[ :3 ] ur the only person who didn’t treat me like shit at work
[ :3 ] I know u didnt kill those guys or steal anything for ylmrn
…
[ :3 ] r u still there?
[ :3 ] it’s ok, this app in encrypted, no 1 else can see this
…
[ :3 ] please let me help u
At the mention of the men I DID kill, it feels like the floor drops out from under me again. In an instant I’m standing there deafened in the alley watching them bleed out. I start to feel ill, my stomach threatening to rebel against the meal it had just received. I take a moment to marshall my thoughts.
With my hands covering my face I concentrate and breath in, then breath out, breath in, and breath out. In contrast with yesterday I manage to get control of myself before I lose it. I wipe tears away from the corners of my eyes, and resume my chat with Matt.
[ * ] … those guys
[ * ] I did shoot them
[ * ] it was me or them
[ * ] i didn’t have a choice
…
[ :3 ] i beleive u
[ * ] sooo I don’t actually need to leave
[ * ] I got caught up in the second wave
[ * ] no one will know me any more
[ :3 ] oh!
[ :3 ] anything fun?!
[ * ] I’ll let you be the judge, but stay calm
[ * ] I’m going to head to your place ok?
[ :3 ] sure, if ur still using ur old phone ditch it before you come here
[ * ] sure thing, I’ll be there in about 45 mins or so.
[ :3 ] cool. well get u sorted out bro.
[ * ] ...sure
With that I finish my coffee. I realize he’s probably right about ditching the phone now. If I bring it to his house it might be harder to deny that I have anything to do with it.
I get up and leave the coffee place with a plan to dump my phone over the side of a bridge on the way to the T station. Once outside I take a calm breath and look around before heading to Mat’s.
The sun shines weakly down on the troubled city as some few plows trundle down the street cleaning up only the smallest fraction of the previous nights disaster. The sounds of several construction crews echoing in the distance in a despondent bid to restore the city to its rapidly dwindling sense of normalcy. The bracing wind, occasionally whipping snow into small glittering flurries which quickly disappear in the distance.
I don’t know what’s in store now, but I set out with a mixture of trepidation and hope for the future.