The ceiling was the same as always; today was the last day of summer vacation. I, a first-year high-schooler, spent it alone. The heat is overbearing, a veil of humidity had covered my body, draining my energy and causing my mind to wander. I think about my best friends. There was Ito Sugiyama, the group's designated leader. He was the least good-looking but had a confident aura that never wavered. He was tall, with short black hair and a straightforward personality. Then, there was Chitaka Sasaki, we liked to call him Chi, a sporty athletic type brunette, ranked third in our grade for looks and last on exams. Strangely, despite his outward demeanour, he was a more reserved and relaxed type. The pretty boy who was humble—I couldn't believe it when I met him.
######
We met during the first year of middle school. Chi wasn’t as handsome back then; puberty would hit him hard, emerging as a handsome phoenix. Ito joined our conversation when he heard Chi and me discussing the trending game; it was how teenage boys formed bonds.
“I’ll lend you my Pegasus for your battle in exchange for two juice boxes.”
“Hell no, that's my savings for the month.”
“Like Pegasus can stand a chance with Gladiator in an endurance match. My base stats are too high.” Ito had chimed in.
“Yes, but your arm strength could use some work.”
“Strong enough to beat you to a pulp Haru.” I rebutted.
“Hahaha, get a room, you two.”
It was the kind of conversation you look back on fondly, so utterly meaningless in the universe's grand scheme. Still, it was more important than anything at that moment—passionate debates about the balance and precision of toys. I had no siblings, so I treated them like real brothers for the last five years now.
Ito was the romantic type, like me, but he was more shallow about it, it would take a tenacious girl to tie him down. Lots of sleepovers and hangouts were spent discussing crushes and what it would be like to have a girlfriend. It was always Ito who steered our conversation into gossip.
“Did you hear Kiko and Kenta got together”
“Bro, you never take the first step, then the girl gets stolen away by some nobody”, remarked Chi.
“She can’t know you exist if you never speak to her,” I affirmed.
“Guys, I don’t know what I would say.”
“You didn’t even really like her. Just thought she was cute.”
“Whatever, Chitaka, anyone on your mind?”
“Yeah, she's so beautiful, my dream girl.”
“Who”
“Haru’s (my) mom”
We all burst into laughter. I proceeded to smack Chi with a pillow.
“Chi, you son of a. “
“Hey man, the heart wants what it wants.”
After that, we spent all our energy on a drawn-out wrestling match (I never won). Then more friendly banter was thrown around about each other's heritage. That’s what I loved about male friendships. They were simple, rarely any misunderstandings, and no one got hurt by each other’s taunting.
“Okay, nice one, Chi. Haru, who are you after?”
“I don’t know if I’m allowed to say, considering … my current girlfriend”
“Whaaaaaaaatt” they both exclaimed as it was the first time I brought it up. She had a doll-esque aesthetic, someone who used too much makeup for her age, but her earnestness was appealing to me. Starting relationships with people was easy for me. Keeping them was another story.
“I confessed to her yesterday.”
“Have you held hands yet?”
“I’m sure sensei Haru has managed a kiss on the cheek after one day.”
“Oh, so I’m sensei now.”
“Yes, boss.”
“Haha.”
The thrill wouldn't last long; she was my first girlfriend, so there were bound to be issues from our lack of experience. Everything we did together had an edge of discomfort, the way her smile never finished or the words that were never said. So, just as the seasons changed, our relationship ended. I wish I could tell some dramatic story about how she cheated, or I broke her heart, but it was a sombre and simple end, like I wasn’t allowed to feel sad. We broke up after three months which was right on time with my expiration date. Part of me wished it was a curse, but life wasn’t that convenient. After a while, I knew something was wrong, and the only consistent factor was me.
######
I remember two years ago when Ito was running for middle school president. On the way to the stage, waving his hand at the crowd like a wannabe politician, he tripped and sprained his leg. Chi and I scrambled out of our seats amid the entire school and ran over to help him; we pushed through teachers who told him to go to the nurse. I could see the determination in his eyes to deliver his speech. Chi grabbed one arm, and I got the other, and we limped over onto the stage. I could hear the crowd; there were those laughing; some were cheering for our success, but most were annoyed, clearly agitated by the disruption. We stood there, Chi and I were supporting him like a five-and-a-half-legged monster while Ito gave the speech of his life. He spoke of comradery, friendship, and overcoming challenges. He talked about never giving up and sounded like he had the wisdom of someone ten years older than him; little did they know it was a scam.
We were in awe; he was confident and determined to be president, so he won in a landslide. The person running against him was Ika; she had short red bangs and a petite frame. She was a proud but kind girl who always looked out for her classmates but didn't have many close friends. I assumed it was because of her abrasive personality.
"Humpf, what a pretentious speech after a big fall,"
she said as she handed him an ice pack for his leg. Classic Tsundere; Ito's speech blew her away, but complementing him would have been admitting defeat. She ended up as vice president, and they spent more time together. That's how Ito and Ika got together in the second year of middle school—Ahh, young, confusing love. Unfortunately, not everything was sunshine and rainbows, It was subtle changes at first, but slowly, Chi and I could feel the drift between the three of us. Chi once joked, “I’ll never leave the group even if I find a girlfriend.” Liar.
######
Then there was last year; it was the middle of winter vacation, and the snow had started building. The air was filled with the scent of cinnamon, and every household had put up vibrant red and green lights. Christmas party preparations were frantic, and Mom was screaming about last-minute problems whilst Dad was watching TV. In the crossfire was me. Luckily before it got too chaotic, Ito and Iko arrived; they handed my mom a large cake.
"You shouldn't have.”
“It’s our pleasure, Ms Hashimoto. Thank you for inviting us.”
Ito turned on his model student voice, a charm he had developed being president for two years. He had changed in more ways than one. From the kid I once knew, he was starting to grow into that leadership role. I was proud. Then, Chi was the next to arrive.
“Hello, Ms. Hashimoto. You are looking rather stunning tonight.”
“Oh my.”
I have never given a person a more potent death stare in my life, I knew it was a joke, but his cheeky laugh ticked me off. I wasn’t the only one angry; somehow Dad made a loud disgruntled noise from the room. Soon after, our close family arrived; my uncle and aunts hugged me and handed me some money, albeit not subtly. I went to the toilet for one second and could hear my dad digging for the money in my room. He was funny like that, always talking about money’s worth and never taking it without working for it. I appreciated the message, but I had another secret stash he would never find. About 30 minutes later, she walked through the door—my second cousin, Kimiko, and she stole the room’s attention. I never saw her in that way, but even a pubescent boy like me could appreciate her figure. She had long, silky black hair and a soft voice that turned most people into jelly. Her side of the family was the rich one; you could tell by how her jewellery glistened in the light and her composure. I walked up to her,
"Someone's rather elegant, considering she used to say things like “Please help me, big brother, Haru.” "
“Hmpf, I see. You’re still as annoying as ever.”
As expected, I reached out for a hug, and she whacked me with her bag. I pretend to do a dramatic fall.
“Oh, how could my dear cousin abuse me like this?”
I got chuckles from the room, and in the corner of my eye, Chi was slowly spilling his water on himself while looking at Kimiko. Bingo. The evening proceeded as usual, with my parents telling embarrassing stories and other family members catching up.
"Oh, Haru, I think you’ve gained weight."
"Wow, top 45 in the grade, not bad, but I hear Ito is in the top three."
"Where’s your girlfriend?"
Ouch. I dreaded this but had to appease them with the standard answers. Other highlights from the evening included: my uncle getting tipsy and shouting about his ex-wife and Ito knocking over the punch. Occasionally my mom would ask me to run to the back and grab food; running around gave me a chance to gauge the party's state. It was a tradition that we hosted large parties at our house; however, this was the first year I was in charge of major decisions. I was particularly proud of the spicy deviled eggs; sadly, they were mostly untouched. Later in the evening, Ito and Ika had secretly left, and I could see Chi swallowing eggs like a sad giraffe straight out of a black-and-white comedy film, and his mannerisms were exaggerated as if he was a peacock trying to show off to his potential mate. I had caught Chi glancing at Kimiko throughout the evening, and I had to act quickly. Slivering out of my family’s crutches, I walked over to Chi.
"Wanna know her deepest darkest secrets?"
"Really?;" he says with five eggs in his mouth.
"I wouldn't tell someone who has more eggs stuffed in them than our turkey has stuffing."
He looked dejected, realising that he was being a little creepy. I knew I had to give him a little push. I pass him a glass of water, pop a mint in his mouth and wipe off egg crumbs from his hand-me-down jacket.
“Well, this was not the look, bro.”
“My brother said this was the suit he lost his virginity in.”
“Ewwww, whatever, just take your trophy suit over to her and start a conversation.”
“You’ve told me about Kimiko before, hyping her up, but I didn’t think she would be this unobtainable.”
"Bro, you're a catch; what do you have to lose? We’re young, love is fleeting, don’t miss out and regret." I say with grandiose and vigour, but I knew my words were laced with doubt, although the delivery should have been enough to fool this lovesick boy.
“Thanks, but…"
Man, if I were blessed with this guy's jawline, I would have my own harem, but he had a rough time constantly being put down by his brother, who was maybe too successful with women. The looks ran in the family, but the confidence did not.
"Ok, hear me out; just talk about manga."
"A girl like that likes reading manga? No way!"
"I’ve known her for most of my life; I think you'll find your footing if you have some common ground."
I had been planning their meeting for a while now, but Kimiko would refuse my matchmaking for her. So this was the first time they would be in the same place. In terms of looks, Chi was most people’s ideal man (for our age), so he had one foot in the door; the fact that they shared interests meant they were perfect for each other.
"Ok, I'll try, Haru; I trust you."
Those words stung, I had never done anything to betray him, but I couldn’t help but feel undeserving of trust. Chi starts walking over; his stride was incredibly unnatural, but his physique covered it up. I could see Kimko smile when he got close. The lack of her usual ice-cold demeanour and body language indicated that they were hitting it off. Another day, another couple was formed by matchmaker Haru. This was the role I had been relegated to. As the saying goes: “Coaches don’t play”.
I spent my childhood watching K-dramas and romantic movies, and I wondered if one day I would have my ‘Say Anything’ moment or a fateful encounter with the one. But as I grew up, reality happened; after a long string of breakups and bad experiences, I no longer yearned for a sign from the universe. I stopped believing in soul mates, and I knew that the only way we can get what we want in life is to grasp it with our own two hands and never let go. This cynicism was precisely what I needed to plot my friends into the right scenarios. I encouraged Ito to run for school council president, and I planned the Christmas party. Deep down, I knew I did it to push them away, but I would still blame them for leaving me. Was I a narcissistic person who wanted control or a silent hero working in the shadows? Hypocrite.
######
The boredom of staring at my ceiling finally outweighed my laziness. My friends spent the summer of their youth holding hands and frolicking in the fields with their girlfriends. I would occasionally get some messages with photos and ‘Thanks, bro, you're the best’. Ito and Ika liked going to cafes and doing outdoor activities. Kimiko and Chi enjoyed movies and watching anime. There was a strange feeling swelling up inside me. You may be asking if I was ever jealous. I was happy best friends in the whole world had found someone special, but I couldn’t help but feel I would be alone forever. It was the kind of exaggerated thinking you have in your teens; even then I knew it wasn’t true. There was a time I was more greedy, I wanted a captivating romance story, not just a normal one. But now as a high schooler, I didn’t want anything to do with relationships. I had just one solution to alleviate the pain I was feeling from these thoughts: chocolate mint ice cream. I don’t think there is a better pairing than the creamy chocolate flavour complemented by fresh mint. To my despair, there wasn’t anymore left in my freezer, which meant one thing; convenience store trip time. I put on my sneakers and headed out.
######
I lived in a relatively small city, and it wasn’t the place you would put on your holiday destinations; luckily, we still always had some events running year-round. We have great festivals, and each season was distinct, my favourite being Autumn because of the brisk winds with the brownish hues of the trees sprinkled across the city. You could spend your entire life here without knowing or caring what was beyond. The capital was only a few hours by train away. Not that my friends and I ever bother. We enjoyed hanging out, going to karaoke, or finding a river to splash in. At least, we used to. The path to the store followed a small stream. I felt like my childhood was passing as fast as the water next to me. It was strange; my life didn’t have checkpoints; the stream just kept flowing no matter how many rocks were in its way; you had to accept the stream; otherwise, it would drown you. Walking down the path, I could hear the faint sounds of kids playing upstream, and it made me happy knowing that at least someone still had their youth to enjoy.
"Notebooks, pens, hmm, what else?" I muttered my shopping list while strolling down the path. It was a 30-minute walk to the convenience store, and my parents were away today. Despite their age, they still loved to do activities together on the weekends; today was bird watching on the outskirts of town. That was the kind of straightforward I admired, they were childhood friends, and now 30 years in, they seem to fall in love daily. Suddenly, my thoughts are disrupted. I feel a light tap on my right shoulder. I swiftly turn around clockwise, only to hear a voice from the left.
"Haha, I got you."
I didn't recognise this gentle and feminine voice. Turning the other way, I saw a girl with sparky blonde hair in a ponytail; she was wearing running shorts and a baggy sports outfit that hid her features. Even her perspiration was reflecting the sunlight like drops of diamonds. She was gorgeous, half Caucasian, and from how she spoke: very friendly. Her eyes were deeply blue, and she had a delicate but intense mature aura. Why was this beauty starting a conversation with me?
"I turned the wrong way to make you overconfident. Obviously."
"Sure, sure, smart guy."
Dad had always taught me to be courteous, especially to pretty girls. He was always stiff when it came to romance; I remember he once told me a story about his first love, and the story always made Mom angry. “My first girlfriend would always nag about how I never bought her flowers or how I should groom my hair. She was so annoying. If her body weren’t legendary, I would have left immediately.” I always laughed at that story, despite the misogynistic tones, I knew he was talking about Mom, but I appreciated his way of bonding with me.
"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, m’lady. My name is Haru Hashimoto."
"Oh, like a superhero name! My name is Hatsumi Fujimori. I moved into the neighbourhood yesterday and was trying to find the nearest store."
Superhero. It was the biggest compliment someone could give me, but she meant it for the wrong reason. I wanted to be a hero by my actions, not because of the alliteration of my name. She did a little spin and gave me a bright, blinding smile. This girl was trouble; I was not going to be blinded.
"Unfortunately, it’s not close by; I am heading there now if you want to tag along," I say nervously.
"Oh, sure."
We headed off, she was walking a comfortable meter away, close enough for me to catch a whiff of her lavender perfume.
"What grade are you in, Haru?"
Wow, we were already on a first-name basis.
"I’m a first-year in high school."
"Oh, Kamizawa High? I transfer there tomorrow”
“I’m in Class Four.”
“Me too!”
“That's so cool I have someone I know in my class.”
Cool? This girl was coming on strong, but I had dealt with her types before. In the past, my brain would already be thinking of scenarios. Sometimes, I would imagine her as the princess of a grand fantasy adventure where I had to defeat the demon lord. Other times she was being bullied, and I would have to defend her, or maybe we had secret library rendezvous. I had long forgotten this habit, but this girl reawakened something primal in me.
"So, Haru, what's there to do for fun in this town?"
"Well, there's a small bowling alley and karaoke. For a small town, we actually have loads of stuff going on; I could show you around sometime."
"Like a date?" she responds playfully.
I promised myself no more romance; I was just going to get heartbroken, and now I’m inviting her on dates. Before I can respond sarcastically, the look on her face becomes a little more serious.
"How can you be sure I don’t have a boyfriend waiting for me in France?"
"If I were your boyfriend, I would have crossed the ocean for you"
She blushed.
“Sounds rather needy to me.”
“You say needy; I think romantic.”
“Kill two birds with one stone.”
“That’s not the right expression.”
“Whoopsie, hehe”
She was doing the classic cute dumb charade, but there was intent in her cutesy behaviour. I was being sucked into her facade, then I stopped thinking and said,
“Hey, let me show you something if you don’t mind taking a detour.”
She thought about it; understandably, it wasn’t the best idea to follow a guy you just met. My family had always said I had a comforting face that was easy to trust.
“Ok.”
With hesitation but also some curiosity, she followed me. I took a right off the main road onto a small incline path. It was a little rocky.
“Why are you transferring mid-way through a year?”
She looked uncomfortable; maybe I went for a sensitive topic too quickly.
“Family circumstances.”
“Makes sense.”
Her cheery smile was briefly replaced with unease; I had another bad habit: creating profiles of everyone I met. I felt akin to Sherlock. I assumed from our conversation that she was always the prettiest girl in class, and most people stayed away from her except for a few, so it was difficult to make many friends growing up. In addition, her parents were always travelling, and she was never in one place for longer than a year. Last year they told her they were getting a divorce, and so she latched onto any friend that could comfort her, which was her ex-boyfriend. She uses her boyfriend to escape reality and avoids heavy topics like her family situation and the divorce, always smiling to hide her pain. Then he leaves her because of how needy and attached she is. She wants to start a new in a city where no one knows her home life, and she can be free.
“Hey Haru, would you be my first friend.”
Her words cut through my thoughts like a sharp katana slicing through unsubstantiated paper. I snapped back from my mental rambling. Why did she say first, surely she meant first in this city, but judging from her body language, I knew there was a more complex and genuine person in from of me. Not a social profile or fictional character I could speculate about. I had presumed her entire personality for no reason. At that moment, I realised she was struggling with the rocky path, so I grabbed her by the hand; she looked surprised but didn't resist it. I start increasing my pace and drag her to the top of the area, with ends on a plateau overlooking the town. We had followed a small path that hugged the side of the hill, and this plateau was a secret location even from my best friends. It had a romantic atmosphere, and the unstable-oak railing gave it a subtle sense of danger—the best view of the entire town, which you could overlook on a slightly cracked bench.
“So, friend, what do you think? I like to call it The Spot.”
“Haha, what a dumb name.”
“Heyyy, don’t insult my baby like that.”
Her eyes widened, and she took a deep breath of the air. Her cheerful expression had returned.
“Wow, what a view. All those little people below!”
“So, you’re the type to look down on people.”
“You know what I mean.”
I sat down on the bench and patted the space next to me.
“I don’t know your circumstances, but when I feel like the world is against me, I come here to reset.”
The air was cooler up here; you could see little dandelions scattered across the fields, and each little house and building was basking in the summer sun.
“Haru, have you shared this place with anyone else?”
She gave me puppy eyes. I knew I couldn't get my hopes up, but since I had opened part of my soul to this stranger, it felt right.
“No. You’re the first.”
We sat there in silence and enjoyed the breeze. I kept glancing at her; she was like a painting. Maybe it was the sweat, but it merged with reality to create a watercolour illustration with vivid pinks, yellows and blues. Her eyes were like the ocean, deep and dangerous. I could feel myself getting lost adrift the waves.
######
We arrived at the store.
"Oh my Gawd, it's so hot today. Is it always like this here?"
"That's summer for you; the humidity makes it ten times worse."
"Oh, I know. Want ice cream? I’ll treat you."
A classic test. According to my calculations, she was a cookie and cream enjoyer; it made sense given the circumstances of her upbringing. I grinned slightly as if the outcome was obvious— she pulls out two mint chocolates from the store’s freezer. At that moment, everything around me shattered. I wasn't proud of many things; my looks were below average, my grades were okay, and I needed to be more athletic. However, I knew how to read people, and I was rarely wrong. Someone's ice cream preference wasn’t something that could be analytically calculated, but I assure you, I was never wrong. Ito and Ika liked chocolate, Chi and Kimiko liked rocky road, and my parents loved marshmallow bubble gum. Time was frozen, and my mind was racing—what was real anymore? My entire profile of her crumbled.
"How did you know?" I say with a tinge of spite.
"Know what?" she replied cheerfully.
"Know that this was my favourite flavour."
"It’s my favourite, so I grabbed a second one for you instinctively; maybe it's fate?" she teased.
"..."
"It’s not a big deal; just eat it," she says as she eats her ice cream stick; I follow suit solemnly. The edges of the ice cream wrapper I had peeled off were less muted than usual; there was a crispness in the hues of this usually dull greenish-brown wrapper. What was happening? Is this one of those moments where the world takes on colour, and the birds are humming as a young man finds the love of his life? Impossible.
"Hey, they are playing my favourite song,"
she says as she hums to the melody, albeit off-key. It was a sappy love song playing that I’d heard on the radio a million times. This time, however, as cheesy as it may be, the song took on a new sound and I couldn’t help but feel her pure joy from this overproduced tune. We began to walk back home under the scorching sun; she continued to hum the song even with no backing, making me smile. Suddenly, she stops for a moment and turns to me.
“You know, Haru, I've got big plans. I’m gonna rule the world one day.”
“That came out of nowhere. In what way?”
“I don’t know; I’m just sure of it.”
“Then I’m rooting for you.”
She gave me an awkward smile filled with resolve, but I could sense the genuine passion I had never seen before. She wasn’t a broken girl that needed a prince. If anything, she was confident for someone my age and knew her place in the universe; she was brightly glowing. I managed to eke out a sentence, not confidently, but I meant every word,
"Hatsumi, you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met."
"Whhaaaa…now that came out of nowhere."
She was bright pink and turned away from me.
"Th-thanks…"
I managed to maintain my composure, but I knew my front wouldn't last long. Maybe I had just enough left.
"So, as a reward for helping you, please give me your phone number.”
"Wow, I didn’t think you were so bold. I thought you were a shy boy I could get directions from."
"Don’t judge a comic by its cover."
“Comic?”
“Whoopsie, hehe.”
I intentionally mocked her previous expression, and she made a cute annoyed face as she pulled out her phone.
"I’ll give you my number if you promise to show me around town again?"
"So you're asking for another date?"
"In your dreams!" She stuck her tongue out at me but handed me her phone anyways. Somehow we had completely switched.
"I don’t know if I will survive long without hearing your voice; I might have to call you tonight."
"If my dad found out I was calling a boy at home, he would freak."
"What about your very real boyfriend in France?"
She blushed again. Check and mate. We would continue to talk about mundane fun topics. The juxtaposition was reflected in how we looked. I was the below-average-looking boy, and she was the radiant shooting star girl, sharing the same road home.
"I’ll see you Monday."
"Byeeee," even the way she waved her dainty hands and did another swirl away was charming. I could see her gleefully walk into her house, and I couldn't look away. I had resolved to solitude for eternity and never wanted another girl to pull at my heartstrings, clearly, my resolve was cracking. Later that night, after all my big talk, my embarrassment prevented me from calling her. I did miss her voice, but my confident outward mask had faded, and I was overcome by apprehension.
“Thanks for showing me around today, Haru. Please sleep well.”
I grinned at that message and fell asleep.
######
The sound of my ordinary alarm woke me up on Monday morning. The usual dread wasn’t there, and I was excited to go to school; I hadn’t felt this way in months. On the way towards the bus stop, I saw her silhouette in the distance. Maybe I could run and catch up with her to stand by her side, but then doubt and hesitation settled in. I remained at a comfortable distance from her; perhaps it was better that she got to school alone to make friends. I didn’t want her first impression at school to be tainted by me. She had some makeup on and had let her hair down, which was about shoulder length and it was lightly flowing in the wind. The difference between her sporty outfit and her school uniform was bewitching, the baggy clothes were replaced with a fitting skirt and shirt, amplifying her curves. Her stride was short but graceful; I couldn’t look away. To distract myself, I try and think about something else—hmm, what TV show I will watch tonight, excited to see my friends after summer, or my ex.
The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
######
Aika was like the moon. Her silky silver bob-cut hairstyle complemented her cute face. I met her during middle school; Ika (Ito’s girlfriend) introduced us and she described Aika as an “otherworldly beauty from another class”. It wasn't as tacky as falling for her at first sight, but we would spend many lunches together when our friends went on off. It was a bond found out of necessity but also out of solidarity. She wasn't talkative; she enjoyed sitting on her phone and scrolling through social media. Sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, I could see her smile at a post or, rarely, a light chuckle. With time, the memes I sent her made her smile. We would meet on weekends, always at my invitation, and I would treat her to her favourite cafes or activities. No matter the time we spent together, akin to the moon, she was always distant; sometimes, it felt like she was lightyears away from me. Maybe that’s why I liked her; her mysterious aura was similar to mine. Before Aika, there was Sachi, Kiho and Yuri, although none of those relationships ever stuck for long. I once asked those girls what went wrong, and Yuri never replied, but Kiho and Sachi responded with the same message.
“Haru, you're a cool and nice guy, but … you never opened up; I was never your number one.”
It made sense. That was who I was, an overthinker. I could never take things at face value. Simple acts like if someone changed how they greeted me in the morning, would set off red flags in my head. It was my suit of armour against the world: to predict outcomes and ensure I couldn't be too hurt. Maybe that’s why I never felt anything when those girls ended it with me—just emptiness but never sadness. I told myself that my next girlfriend was my number one to ensure I never neglected her.
I never technically dated Aika. At least, I always thought you could assume we were a couple as an observer. I knew how my luck went, so I avoided the issue altogether. Ignorance is bliss, after all; although I think I had what I wanted out of a relationship, for me, the label was just icing. I was treading on glass constantly with Aika, worried that I would break it and lose someone who had become my rock. The best thing about our time together was that I could just talk at her, and she never seemed bothered. We were in the library after school one afternoon.
"The popularity contest is coming up, huh?"
"Yes."
"I hope you'll vote for me, Aika."
“.....”
The silence was deafening. The unofficial contest was hosted on our school's private Facebook group, run by the students. It had become a tradition and was supposed to be fun-spirited. I was in 30th place in my first year, which I was moderately proud of. And so, since we had been together for three months, part of me wanted her to root for me, but I hesitated to do anything that might push her away.
"Well, if it were a beauty contest, I think you’re the prettiest girl in the school."
She didn’t react. Well, after how things had gone, this was about the time girls would stop caring about me anyway; maybe I had hit the expiration date with this one too.
"Ok, I’m going to head home," I remarked sadly.
The classroom was filled with a musk of tension, and the heat was agitating me. If I stayed in there longer, my anger might have surfaced. As I stood up, I felt a tug at my shirt from Aika.
"Please don't go. I - need you."
I couldn't read this girl; she was infuriating, but I endeavoured to change myself for her, so I sat down and continued reading my book. In hindsight, I realised that I was always at the whim of Aika; she would ask me to get her lunches or make me stay with her for as long as she needed. She never let me know too much about her personal life, although enough to make me curious. It was clearly on purpose, but I couldn’t see it. I don’t think she ever did anything for me in the six months I knew her; I was too ignorant.
Classes were ordinary that day. I was determined to confess to her today; something about the air felt right that day. I approached this ‘relationship’ differently, not rushing into anything initially and ensuring she had enough attention. Right before the lunch break, I felt a buzz in my pocket and sneakily opened my phone under my table. The poll results had come out; I didn’t expect my ranking to change much, maybe hovering around 50th, but when I reached the bottom of the list, I found my name 362/362. At the time, I was shocked, my ego had not taken too big of a hit, but my confidence to confess was no longer there. I thought maybe I had no worth anymore. At least, that’s what the evidence showed. Usually, I was messaging Aika to meet up, so I decided against it that day. Under the second-largest tree in our school gardens, I ate my sandwich alone and suddenly got a message on my phone.
"Can you meet me behind the science building?"
-deleted.
Why did she delete it? Munching the last bite of my sandwich, I popped out of my seat and walked towards the old science building. It was one of the first buildings built when our school opened —making it practically abandoned at lunch breaks. As I got near the building, I could hear voices from around the corner.
"Ahh, you got here so quickly, Dai-chi."
"Anything for you, baby."
"Shut up, just kiss me."
Aika? The person I'd known was the quiet, reserved girl for the last half a year, and she sounded like a total slut. Turning around the corner, I could see Aika pinning a guy to the bench, still clothed but their bodies grinding on each other. She was making expressions I didn't know she was capable of. I didn’t know how to feel; my reality wasn’t right. Should I interrupt her? Nothing made sense. Suddenly, the thoughts I had been suppressing came back to me. I should have seen the signs; it all made sense. The way she was using me, she would ignore my messages for days or never respond to me appropriately. I was too infatuated to see the giveaways. My lunch was churning inside me, and it wanted to come back out. Before I knew it, my heavy hyperventilating gave me away; she turned around, and the guy looked up.
"Who’s this, babe?"
"No one important, Daichi. Hmm. I’m thirsty after losing all that saliva; mind getting me a soda? Pretty please."
Her voice was higher pitched than usual. It was sickening to hear.
“Anything for you.”
The well-built senior got up, gave her a passionate farewell kiss and ran off. My face was turning from visible shock to anger. I had gradually processed what was happening, and my breathing slowed.
"So, Ru-ru?"
She had never called me such a nickname; her mannerisms and speech patterns had utterly transformed. She looked like an evil empress with her legs crossed, waiting for the hero in the final boss room.
"I- I."
"Ugh, the one day I mess up, and you find out. Also, what dumbass doesn’t have a profile pic? "
She leaned her face on her right hand and gave me a cheeky smile as if to taunt me.
"So, don’t you have some long speech about trust or something you cringe nerds like?"
This wasn’t her first rodeo; she had a long line of men she was stringing along, and I was the next one.
"I was hoping that you would disappear, considering your popularity rankings. Last, lmao, makes sense given how ugly you are."
"I haven't heard you speak this much in months; who are you?" I respond timidly.
"Do you prefer, oh Haru, I need you, haha, you freak into those submissive, quiet types? Although, having a free man servant was worth giving you a cute smile occasionally.
"I-I thought we were kindred spirits."
"Hahahahaha, you're kidding, right? kindred spirits? you sound so cheesy. Well anyways, you’ve served your purpose; you can run to your friends; oh wait, your friends abandoned you too."
She would continue to insult me, using every secret I had ever told her. My rage was turning into depression.
"Did you think we were a couple or something? With the hotter guys, I let them touch me; you never got that privilege."
"..."
"Okay, hear me out," she springs upwards seductively and unbuttons one more.
"I will reward you for your hard work so far and see you in the library tomorrow. We can pretend non of this happened; then I'll continue to be the perfect stoic cool girl you love so much."
"Go to hell."
I ran away.
I didn’t want to attend school again. Initially, I couldn't bring myself to tell Ito and Chi, who tried calling me for a few days; luckily, she wasn’t in my class, but the rumours were spreading like wildfire. The school's underground website had an anonymous message board. The main trending thread was:
* “Haru, H. is a heartbreaker; after getting last in the contest, out of anger, he hit his girlfriend."
* "I dated Haru for a while; she didn't seem like the type, but you never know what's happening inside someone's head.
* "Haru scum"
There were several more strongly worded comments; I knew they were just rumours, but my middle school career would be over if I didn't have Ito and Chi. My best friends comforted me with the usual comments about girls being the worst and that she wasn’t worth it. The sad thing about guy friendships though: when we struggled, we liked to be left alone because we didn’t want others to see us cry. After a few months, I started to move on, but my apathy affected how I saw the world. Luckily my school wasn’t the type to bully publicly, but I felt the constant torment of the whispers and looks. This was the birth of my cynicism and distrust. I never saw Aika again; I think she moved to Tokyo. I still had questions, but maybe the answers would cause me more pain. She technically didn’t cheat on me; we weren't anything officially. I just knew never to take anything at face value again.
######
That memory used to cause me agony; I cringed at my past self for falling for her quips and not having the scepticism to break free. It is what it is. It served as a good reminder to stay away from Hatsumi. Everyone has something they are hiding; the world is cruel and selfish. I know it sounds like an overreaction, but I placed my heart in someone's hands, and they crushed it in front of me. So I had to change myself and how I interacted with others. Hatsumi sat down at the bus stop, and her feminine aura radiated along with a sweet humming of the song we heard yesterday. I am standing just far enough away behind a tree; you wouldn’t be able to spot me unless you were looking for me. A text comes through from Hatsumi.
"Good morning, Haru-Haru! How many bus stops to school?"
"7"
"Thank you; are you there already?
"No."
"Oh, should I wait for you"
I messed up; I didn’t expect her to say that. It made me happy for some reason.
"Oh, you don’t have to; I am running late."
As I sent the message, I felt a tap on my right shoulder. I will not be fooled this time and quickly turn to the left. She was on my right.
"You seem pretty on time to me, Haru."
"Yeah..."
"That's the second lie you’ve told me in two days. I was waiting all night long for your call."
"Sorry."
I was annoyed and embarrassed; she had seen through me.
"Let's head to school together."
She sat next to me on the bus, and I could see the other students glancing at her, murmuring. I was happy they cared more about the beauty next to me, but I wished I wasn't in the crosshairs. I could smell her perfume again. The playful me of yesterday was gone; maybe the memory of Aika had ruined my mood for the day; I had an inkling that Hatsumi was being nice to me so that I could run errands for her.
"I’ll forgive you for lying to me if you..."
"I’ll have to ref-"
"E-Eat the spare lunch I made!"
EXCUSE ME? You made lunch for a guy you met yesterday? Wait, no, Haru; she's playing the long con; this is just a tactic.
“Why?”
“I made too much, so I need your help, haha”
She gave me a look that would have brought most boys to their knees.
"Looking forward to it," I said, but I was still on edge.
"Great!"
"So, are you excited for your first day?"
"I was initially nervous, but thinking you'd be there with me calmed me down."
She gave me intense endearing eyes and held onto my arm; this girl had a perfect technique to make a guy fall for her. If I were normal, I would have already confessed my unyielding love for her, but I knew better.
"You’ll want to make new friends too; maybe don’t hold onto me; you might give people the wrong impression."
"You don’t like it? Maybe I’m giving them the correct impression?"
She reluctantly lets go.
"Who wouldn’t be happy about a cute girl doing this? But I don’t want to affect your high school life."
"Ok..."
My words disheartened her, and we spent the rest of the ride in silence. The longest 20 minutes of my life. When we finally arrived at the school gates, Hatsumi was still close to me. Her nervousness was apparent.
"Don’t worry, Hatsumi. I’m sure you'll be fine."
She smiled. I hope she will make new friends and leave me alone. I saw Ito and Chi standing by the classroom entrance.
"Where are the Mrs?"
“They are in different classes.”
"Haru, we knew you would get lonely without us."
"So, who's the girl behind you?"
Hatsumi stood behind me at the sound of their voices and grabbed my backpack like a conservative chipmunk. It was adorable, but not a good look for me. Many students were walking past, and this stunning girl was holding onto a guy like me. Yesterday she was so talkative and friendly; now, she could barely introduce herself.
"This is Hatsumi; she's the new transfer student."
"Wow, you scored big. I’m glad you've finally moved on from Aika."
I could sense Hatsumi tightening her grip at the sound of the name Aika.
"It's not like that, guys; it's her first day; she's just a friend."
When she heard the word friend, she pinched me and stepped away.
“Ouch.”
“That’s what you get.”
She takes a small bow to my friends.
"It's a pleasure to meet you and be your classmate. I am Hatsumi Fujimori."
“I’m Chitaka Sasaki, and this is Ito Sugiyama”
I burst into laughter.
"Hey, why are you laughing at me, Haru-ru?"
"Haha, it's just that you sounded so robotic, nothing like when I met you; what happened to that girl?"
"You make me sound so horrible!" she pouts, storming into the classroom. My friends looked puzzled by that interaction.
"Haven’t seen you like that in years", Ito says.
“She's totally into you.”
"You like her too; it's so obvious."
"Guys, I met her yesterday, and I don’t want a relationship."
"Bro. Aika was an exception, not the norm; you gotta move on."
"I’m happy you're both in love. This isn't about her. I just don’t want to get caught up in the moment and make a mistake again.”.
"Sure, dude, but we’re looking out for you too, okay? Love is fleeting, don’t miss out and regret it."
I knew what they were trying to tell me, but I couldn’t shake off the discomfort that the topic of romance caused me.
The first few classes after summer vacation were fine; Ito was the class nerd, he studied hard, and considering that his girlfriend was the top scorer in our school, he always had to compete with her. Chi preferred to read manga than textbooks; he was aiming for a sports scholarship anyway, so his class participation was minimal. I’m happy their girlfriends were in different classes. I don't think I could survive those two couples flirting during class. Then were was me, I would always answer the questions teachers asked me, but I never bothered with more than what was asked, unless Ms Muryama asked.
######
It was our first day at Kamizawa High; I had a clean slate. I distinctly remember meeting our homeroom teacher, Ms Nene Murayama, standing at the front of the class. She had the cutest name, but she was the embodiment of the devil and she was every boy’s celebrity crush; we all knew nothing would ever happen, but you could at least imagine the potential forbidden love. In my head, I had already confessed, “Teach, I don’t care what society thinks. My love for you is eternal. I promise to grow up to be a good man and support you; please go out with me secretly”. I enjoyed imagining lewd scenarios too. She loved to wear tight pencil skirts, had a slim but voluptuous body, feminine glasses with pink highlights, with long black hair. It helped that she had a young face. I knew she was in her late 20s, but if she raised the pitch of her voice, she could easily pass as a high schooler. She spoke elegantly and was never flustered at the advances of some of my male classmates.
“Madam, you’re looking smoking hot today.”
“Shigeko, if you open your mouth again, you will get detention. Also, if that’s how you treat your future girlfriend, she will dump you.”
Shigeko slumped in his seat, his youthful crush had been crushed.
“Back on topic, any volunteers for class rep?”
The boys had a bet; whoever won had to buy the other two lunches for a week. It was a twisted system where even if you win, you lose.
“Ok, those who volunteered are Haru Hashimoto, Chitaka Sasaki, Ito Sugiyama and Kika Tamura.”
For some context, class reps must attend a weekly meeting where they serve pizza. At least, that's what Chi’s brother had told us. They got the pizza from a really good Italian place down the road, and it was expensive. That's why we had to win; paying for the other two’s lunches was worth it. I got to give the last speech. I could go out with a bang and give the most memorable speech. I was planning to captivate my classmates with humour and intensity. Ito, Chi and Tamura gave decent speeches, but only Ito stood out. That's the ex-president of our middle school for you. He was calm and elegant, but I knew he was drooling for the pizza. Finally, it was my time; I had calculated and constructed this perfect speech I was ready to destroy the competition. I stood up and walked to the front of the class, and then as my luck would have it, my stomach started acting up from my bean-filled lunch. The entire class heard the largest growl. I could see my friends fail to hold back, and the entire class burst into laughter. Even my teacher was caught chuckling. No, my clean slate! It was enough of a scene for my high school public perception to be tainted but not enough for them to give me pity votes.
In the end, we all lost to Tamura, maybe there was some hidden lesson about pride and overconfidence, but that thought was dismissed when we found out there was no pizza. Luckily the “Chewybacca stomach” boy nickname faded after some time, but I occasionally hear students talking about it like a ghost fable. There was also Ms Furukawa; I helped her with some spreadsheets during the first semester, and since then, she has been light on the homework. Mr Kuramoto wanted evidence that his wife was cheating; the full story is for another day, but he was in debt to me, so I had a favour to cash in.
######
When Hatsumi walked in, the class had the same reaction I had yesterday, stunned and staring and in awe. She spoke confidently; Hatsumi regained her composure and delivered a great introduction. She knew how to change exactly what the crowd needed. Her arsenal seemed to have a limitless number of masks, and I wondered how many I had seen. When the class clapped, we made eye contact, and she waved at me as if to show off. Her bright and adaptable personality made her instantly popular among our classmates. She hid her earlier nervousness like a professional actress. Lunch couldn’t come sooner. Chi and Ito apologised to me and went to meet their respective girlfriends. I remembered this morning's promise but felt that her high school life would be better if she ate it with her new friends.
“Hey, Fujimori, do you want to lunch with our group.”
“I’m sorry, I have plans.”
“Oh, who with?”
The popular kids had already formed a barricade around her as soon as the bell rang. I jolted upward and plotted my path towards the school canteen.
"HARU!"
She called my name across the classroom like a cry for help. The entire class turned towards me, I hadn’t spoken to her the entire day, so it was obvious why they were confused. They wondered why the new class princess called me out by my first name. I had to defuse the fire; by defuse, I mean run away and hope the fire went out on its own.
“Ladies and gentlemen, as you were”, I say playfully.
I hurriedly grabbed Hatsumi by the hand and pulled her out of class. She was blushing; this was the second time I grabbed her by the hand in two days.
“What's wrong, why are we running away? Haru?"
"You know what you're doing; I've been looking for the whole to know you're not clueless."
"What are you talking about? I just wanted to eat lunch with you. Also, you just admitted to glancing at me, Hehe."
She got me again. I managed to bring her to a small bench in the back courtyard of our school. I found this spot in my first week of school; it was my other haven. Showing this to her was out of impulse, but it was like giving her another key to my heart. A girl had already tainted my two sacred places.
"Why are you so persistent? You and I are in different worlds."
“Really? But you’re right next to me?”
“Ahh, it’s literal when it suits you!”
She was determined not to leave me alone, maybe it was my fault, but I knew only pain followed staying around me.
“Ok, you win, but can we talk.”
“What about?”
“Do you not have an understanding of social hierocracy and popularity?”
“Yes, of course, I do. I am at the top.”
“That's cute coming from someone hiding behind me before class started.”
“Yes, I admit I was shy at first, but as your class queen, you must listen to what I say.”
“Ok, my liege, what is it you desire.” I go along with her quip.
She thinks for a moment. I was ready for some kind of demand like I had been used to before. I was ready to say no. Then she puts her finger on her chin in an attractive
manner.
"I like you."
I hadn’t heard those three words in a long time—maybe they were my weakness. I always fell first; It made sense that the lower-status person always confesses to the higher one; it is a basic rule of relationships.
"As a friend?"
She was blushing again and looked away, which answered my question, but I wish I could be some oblivious protagonist who pretended not to know how this worked.
"A confession on your first day, very bold of you."
"You kept avoiding me, so I thought I might strike quickly. Especially since I might not have much time."
"You can’t like someone that fast; you're just pulling my leg."
“The tale of Romeo and Juliet took place over five days."
"That’s a tragedy, and they both die.
“My point stands about how there is no right time for a maiden to fall in love”
For the first time, I felt like there was someone on my wavelength, someone, I could talk to for eternity. But I knew I had to be careful. I don’t think I could take another betrayal and she couldn’t be serious. Then I could hear Ito and Chi’s annoying voices in my head about not sacrificing my happiness. I would regret letting this one go, and I thought about the ice cream; maybe I could accept a sign from the universe. She could see I was getting lost in my thoughts.
"So, why don't you eat my cooking first and then give me your response?"
I sat beside her; she pulled out one pink and blue lunch box and shifted closer to me.
"Whoops, I only brought one pair of chopsticks; silly me, I’m such a klutz."
“Clumsy people don't usually act so coy about it.”
I knew what line came next.
"I guess I’ll just have to feed you."
"Oh no, you don’t have to." I begin to stand up to get cutlery from the canteen, but she pulls me back down.
"For one of the lies you told me, you must eat my lunch; your second punishment it’s to let me feed you."
I was backed into a corner; I saw her put the other pair of chopsticks in her bag earlier this morning, but telling her wouldn’t change her mind.
"Ok, fine"
She opened the pink box; it was delicately crafted with fried chicken, rice, and veggies. She began serving it to me. I was embarrassed, but how could I refuse a cute girl trying to serve me food? Every bite was ecstasy; she was a goddess. I got lost in the moment, and soon my lunch box emptied; she wouldn’t let me feed her back because she would die of embarrassment. Ironic. Recently, I had spent most lunch breaks alone on this bench, eating a boring school sandwich. Today was fresh and new; it scared me that tomorrow would have to return to normal.
"So? What do you think? "
"Your cooking is divine."
"That's not what I wanted…."
I sat there in thought. This absolute bombshell girl just transferred and confessed to me on her first day; it was straight out of a rom-com book. I was falling for her, but I had reservations; It had been years since Aika, but some scars don’t heal. I knew the darkness would swallow her beautiful light eventually. I had to do the one thing I knew best; lie.
“Listen, Hatsumi, I know you think I’m some nice guy, but I am an introverted gamer that's only been spending time with you for your-your body, and I think you're just annoying. I can’t be tied down to one girl, you know? So I’m going to have to say… no.”
My voice cracked slightly at the end, but I made sure my delivery was severe enough. She looks like she is on the verge of tears. I did it again; I made another girl cry. She left without saying anything, and I sat on the bench alone. It was the most pain I’ve ever felt.
######
The next day, she completely ignored me, but the less time she spent with me, the better. “If she got to know me before spontaneously confessing, I would have considered it” That was the excuse I would tell my friends; more lies. What could I have done? I didn’t feel capable of appreciating a girl properly, especially her; going out with her would only cause hardship. Mere mortals aren't meant to be with goddesses. Ito, Chi and I put our desks together and ate together at lunch. It was a rare situation, but I needed the company after yesterday.
“Haru, you are a dumbass.”
Ito was trying to comfort me whilst shoving a massive rice ball into his mouth. Ika had never mastered cooking, so her food was always disproportionately large. Despite this, her caring boyfriend would finish every last bite.
“Listen to Ito," Chi chimed in.
“I just prefer the solo lifestyle.”
“Bullshit.”
“Chi, why are you even here?”
Ito was likelier to eat with me, as Ika sometimes had council work at lunch.
“Umm, Kumiko and I are fighting.”
“Why?”
“Well, I may have been looking at another girl for half a second, and then she got furious.”
“We both know it was longer than that; you should know she's insanely possessive.”
“Yeah.”
“Chi, if you don’t go and apologise right now, I will kick your ass.”
Chi, strung into motion by my threat and dashed out of the classroom. Ito is still struggling with the rice in his mouth. I could see Hatsumi eating in the other corner of the room, with some of the other girls. I can still picture the taste of the food she made for me. Our eyes meet for a second, and she bashfully turns away. I mentally noted to apologise and start over with her once she got over me. Could we even be just friends?
“As I was saying, Haru, you're an upstanding guy.”
I appreciated the sentiment, but I knew myself best.
“Some of us are not destined for love.”
“I thought you didn’t believe in destiny.”
“I believe in negative destiny.”
“Remember when Chi was lonely, he was spouting stuff about never finding love and being alone forever, but by the luck of the draw, the girl of his dreams walked into his life.”
They both failed to realise that it wasn’t density, luck or some greater work of god; it was me. I was already researching potential girlfriends for both of them for a while before their relationships started. Kimiko wasn’t going to attend the Christmas party, so I had to cancel her other plans for her to come along. The moral: things don’t happen because of fate or magic. You are the master of your future; you must take the wheel and struggle until it steers you to your desired path.
“I’d rather not let fate decide something for me.”
“Then stop being a chicken and go get her.”
If this was a different person, I could have a more nuanced metaphorical conversion, but Ito was a heads-first kind of guy; that’s why I loved him. There was a time I followed him into the fire mindlessly.
“Bro, leave me alone. It’s none of your business.”
“I want you to be happy, man, but you keep pushing us away. This was Chi's first lunch with us in months, and you pushed him away.”
“I didn’t push him away. He wanted to go.”
“No, Haru, you pushed.”
“Shut up!”
Our conversation was loud enough that the whole room could hear it, and I started to get annoyed. The second day in a row, the class's eyes were on me, and the discomfort of the spotlight was getting to me.
“You act like you know everything. You have to have the last word, and when anyone talks back to you, you run away.”
“What's wrong with you? I didn’t think you had a big enough brain to argue with me.”
“I don’t need more than one brain cell to know you.”
“What would you know about me? You and Chi barely spend time with me anymore. How could you even begin to understand what I felt after Aika?”
“Aika, Aika, Aika, stop, man, you can't let go of a girl who’s so utterly irrelevant, just admit you like Hatsumi and move on.”
“I don’t”,
“Yes, you do”,
“NO, I DON’T.”
I hated confrontation. As he said, I would usually run away or find something snarky to defuse situations, but maybe rejecting the girl of my dreams was weighing on me.
“YES, YOU DO”.
“... YES, SO WHAT? I LOVE HER!”
The entire class gasped. In my anger, I forgot we were in the classroom. I heard the screech of a chair, and as Hatsumi ran out, she looked like she was going to burst into tears.
“Go get her, you idiot.”
I ran after her.
“Hatsumi, I’m sorry,” I screamed down the hallway.
I couldn’t see her; everyone in the corridors gave me blank stares, and their whispers were deafening. After some searching, I found Hatsumi sitting on the bench, which I had shown her yesterday, with her knees pressed to her face in an attempt to hide her tears.
“Please, go away! I hate you!”
“Hatsumi. I am sorry, I let my emotions get the better of me.” Her crying had slowed down; they were now cute sniffs. She managed to reply to me, albeit between sobbing.
“First, you call me beautiful; then you reject me. Then you profess your love in front of everyone; next, you're going to tell me I’m disgusting. I have every right never to forgive you and run away forever.”
“You do, but I do mean it when I say. You're gorgeous.”
“Not enough for you. I guess.”
I finally regained my composure and lifted my head.
“Hatsumi, what I said was because I was angry at myself. I rejected you because I know I’m not good enough for you.”
She looked at me in confusion.
“Huh.”
"Ever since I met you, I couldn't take my eyes off you. I like when you twirl your hair slightly when no one is looking. I like that you make friends quickly and your lonely smile.”
She finally looks me in the eyes.
“You don’t get to decide if you're good enough for me.”
For some reason, those words hit hard, I knew she was right, but her view on life was a mystery to me. She was weird like me but in a completely different way. I had spent years inside my own head, convinced that I was always right.
“Hatsumi, you're like the sun.”
“Excuse me, as in I'm fat?”
I chuckled. That was the first thought she had when being compared to the sun.
“No, as in you’re shining gloriously, and you can brighten anyone's day. You're also too luminous to look at for too long. I worry that I will go blind staring at you, or maybe worse, I could put out your flame.”
“You really like your metaphors Haru.”
“Verbalising myself has never been easy, so I guess it's another escape for me.”
“Well, it's a bit cocky to think you can put out the sun.”
“Trust me. I am dark enough …Will you listen to my story and decide if you still like me”
She nodded. I sat beside her, and she took the opportunity to lean on my shoulder. I could feel her still shivering. I started telling Hatsumi about Aika and my other girlfriends. I opened up to another person for the first time in years. I told her about the betrayal and how I hadn’t trusted another person since. She seemed annoyed on my behalf.
“Please understand. I haven’t been able to recover since then.”
She was quiet for a while, then she lifts her head and smiles.
“You know, Haru, my approach to scars is to make a bigger one so you forget the last one.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. Sounds painful.”
“Like, what If I override your memories of her.”
“Yeah, but the connection between scars and negative-”
Hatsumi grabs my sweaty hand and puts it on her cheek. I forgot what I was about to say. I can feel her smooth skin, and there's a slight dampness from the leftover tears. Her hands were petite but firm as if telling me never to let go.
“Such large and warm hands. Haru, if you didn’t trust me, why did you show me your Spot.”
“It's called The Spot.”
“Hahaha”
She bursts into laughter over the name; her laugh was awkward, with a twinge of her accent. I thought it was adorable. Once again, this girl permanently halted my thoughts.
“I guess I showed it to you because I trusted you a bit.”
“Haru, if I’m the sun, then you’re Icarus.”
“Sorry? You know how that story goes, right? I burn up and die.”
“Yeah, I know how that story goes. Still, we are going to write our own. My Icarus is smart enough to make sunproof wings and going to aim straight for the core. You'll pierce straight through the sun and snap her in half.”
I’m convinced she didn’t know what a metaphor was, but she was so passionate I could forgive her. She pulled my hand towards her chest; I could feel her heart beat rapidly. The mood was too intense for me to appreciate my hand placement. Then, she lets go and stands up, dusting herself off and gives me her iconic twirl.
“You're a big liar. You love to come up with excuses, you avoid people, and you like to convince yourself that you are lesser. You have this weird hero complex, and you’ve got some intriguing thoughts. That’s why I hope you can love yourself one day and don’t have to lie to me. I am your sun, so maybe I can melt your ice-cold heart.”
She pauses for a second.
“I want to know more about you, Haru-ru. I want to know if you prefer dogs or cats, your preferred season or even your sleeping positions. I know I’m weird, too, but it's just what love does to a maiden. Honestly, I was ok with the rejection yesterday, it just meant that another of my loves would go unrealised; there was closure, at least. But when you professed your love so loud today, even they could hear in space. I knew how I felt, so I couldn't hold back tears.”
Her speech was poignant. What stood in front of me was a confident girl who knew what she wanted. She wasn't a desperate heroine in need of saving; she was saving me.
“Let's go out for real.”
Her smile was more radiant than the strongest star, it was blinding, but this time I didn’t look away. I steeled my resolve; I would fly into the sun if that’s what it took to make this work.
“Yes.”
######
Hatsumi held my hand, and we walked back to class; the confession had gone into after-noon classes by over 30 minutes, and Ms Murayama was standing at the door waiting for us.
“You have some nerve, young lady. Playing hooky with the troublemaker on the second day of school. Don’t let his slick words deceive you.”
“Sorry, teach afraid it’s too late.”
“I’ll see you in my office after school, Hashimoto.”
“Yes, ma'am,” I replied reluctantly.
I apologised to Ito after class; he didn’t seem bothered. He just gave me a big thumbs-up. Afternoon class consisted of ignoring the blackboard and giving Hatsumi looks from across the room, we couldn't stop smiling at each other.
Hatsumi said she would wait for me by the school gate. We had already agreed to walk to and from school together, and since she lived near me, it was perfect. I went to the office to appease our teacher and probably had to use my begging technique to get out of punishment. Ms Murayama was sitting in her chair. She had removed her jacket and was wearing her usual work shirt and pencil skirt, and her top button was undone. She had this total man-killer vibe, and her sexiness was dangerous, but as a man in a committed relationship, I told myself just a little peek.
“Yo, Teach what you want to talk about.”
“Please address your teacher more appropriately.”
I couldn't read Ms Murayama, she hated most of the boys in our class because they were too daring about hitting on her, but she hated me even though I had never harassed her.
“Well, as punishment for earlier, I am giving you an assignment.”
“Please, no.”
“You don’t get a say.”
“Ok, fine. How many worksheets are we talking about.”
“Oh, you wish it was worksheets. A student is joining us next week from another high school; they are a real problem child that got kicked out of their Tokyo high school. I want you to monitor her behaviour and report back to me.”
“Why aren't you asking Kika, she's class rep.”
“Class rep has other responsibilities, and you were second place during the elections.”
I would use that knowledge against my friends later for leverage, but this was no time to celebrate more responsibility. I knew this would eat into my time with Hatsumi.
“Ok, how about I do cleaning duty for a month, and you get someone else to do this.”
“Denied. You’re perfect for the job, and you even went to the same middle school.”
Huh, I thought I had abandoned the past; I didn’t want my middle school reputation to follow me. The anticipation was eating at me. She handed me a clipboard, and it was a student profile. My fight-or-flight response was kicking in. I flipped the page and saw the name of the student:
“Aika Nakagawa”
My hands started to tremble and sweat profusely, and I could feel my throat drying. The air feels thin and shallow.
Fate, you piece of—.