On the train home, I find myself going through the app again, before I’ve so much had a chance to recover from the thrilling night just behind me. I want more – and I know that the only way I’m going to make it through the next few weeks is if I have something to look forward to.

I feel, at the back of my mind, a small twinge of guilt that I am doing this without Sean – after all, we said we were going to do this together, and here I am, looking for my next hookup with hardly a thought about him. But I am already hungry to find someone fresh, and I don’t want to miss someone interesting while I have a little time to spare.

I don’t know exactly what I want to try next, but I know it’s going to be different. A totally new experience compared to everything I’ve done before. There’s so much out there, so much I want to try. I hardly even know where to start, but I figure that the matches I have on here will guide me in the right direction.

Hmm. Most of the guys who have responded to me seem nice enough, but none of them are really catching my interest. I need someone who’s going to make me light up just looking at him. A lot of these men are cute, for sure, but I’ve had cute guys. I want something new...

Suddenly, a notification pops up on my phone – someone has just matched with me. I click on it at once, biting my lip and trying to hide my smile of excitement.

I think I remember swiping on this guy, Jake – he's a little older than me, judging by his picture, with sharp grey eyes and striking features. But that wasn’t the only reason I said yes to him. In his profile, he mentioned he was looking for someone to introduce to the world of bondage. At the time, it had interested me; now, after Paulo, it is very intriguing.

Once I’m home, I take a quick shower, then get in bed and have a proper look at Jake’s profile. On it, he states he’s looking for people curious about BDSM, especially bondage, newbies who are interested in exploring the submissive sides of themselves for the first time. By the way he writes, I assume he knows a lot about this world, and the commanding tone that comes through in every sentence is enough to make my toes curl. I hover my finger over the button that would allow me to send him a message, but before I can, one from him pops up.

Evening, he writes.

Hi…

He doesn’t beat around the bush. So… you want to be dominated?

I hesitate for only a fraction of a second. Yes, I respond.

Good, comes his reply. That’s my good girl.

Immediately, I’m wet. Immediately, my whole body is warm and vibrating. Yes, I think to myself. This is what I want.

"Found someone new?” I look up and see Sean standing in the doorway to the bedroom, an eyebrow cocked. For some reason, I feel a flutter of irritation, like he has disturbed me while doing something very important. He comes into the room and leans over to give me a kiss on the forehead.

"Yeah,” I say, dodging away from his kiss. After the night with Paulo, I don’t want to be touched by anyone else. It feels polluting, after the ecstasy I experienced. Sean frowns, but he doesn’t say anything about my head dodge. I turn back to my phone.

How do I become your good girl? I ask Jake.

Sean tries to sound friendly as he asks, “So who is it?”

You give yourself to me, Jake writes back. I want to see the look on your face when you are entirely in my control. When you realise you can actually let go. Have you done that before?

No, I reply.

“Jazz?” Sean’s voice is grating, and I glance up at him. Meanwhile, more texts are coming in from Jake: I’ve been in the scene for years, and I love working with ‘virgins’. I love being the first one to give them that feeling of total surrender.

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“Just some guy,” I choke out.

“Just some guy? C’mon, Jazz, you can give me more than that.”

“I thought we agreed not to go into details,” I snap. I just want Sean out of the room, so that I can continue talking to Jake undisturbed. “That ruins it, if we know too much and get jealous.”

“So it would make me jealous?” To my annoyance, Sean sounds worried.

“No, of course not. I’m just sticking to our rules.”

Sean sighs. “Alright… I just like knowing a bit, you know? Otherwise I feel like you have this whole life I’m missing out on.”

“But that’s why this is good for us,” I point out. “It gives us our own lives.”

A text comes in from Jake. If you’re going to be mine, I expect you to reply right away. My stomach swoops, and I feel a clenching in my lower belly. God, I want this man already.

Meanwhile, Sean is still talking to me. “I thought it might be nice to be intimate tonight.” His voice sounds as if it is coming from very far away, and I barely glance up. I’m absorbed completely in Jake.

I’m sorry, I write back to Jake.

Make it up to me, he responds.

How?

Get one of your lipsticks. Write the letter J on your breast. Then send me a picture of your tits.

“I’m not in the mood,” I say to Sean, as I push back the covers and practically spring from the bed. I’m so eager to get to the bathroom and take this picture for Jake that I don’t even care about the disappointed look on Sean’s face. “Not tonight.”

“Okay…” Sean says as I push past him. “It’s been a while, though. I think it’s important we prioritise our relationship, if we’re going to be sleeping with other people. Don’t you think?”

“What?” I’m fiddling in my purse, looking for a lipstick. Finally, my fingers find it. I wrap it in my fist and pull it out, my back still turned to Sean so he can’t see. “Oh, yeah, sure.”

Without turning around, I slip into the bathroom and lock it behind me. Then I pull my pyjama top open and focus on the mirror. It’s hard to remember which way to write the J with everything flipped in the mirror.

“Jazz?” Sean knocks on the door. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine!” I shout back, but my voice sounds strained and too high, even to me. Sean lingers outside the door for a few moments, and I wait, holding my breath. Finally, he moves away, and I hear him close the bedroom door as he leaves.

Finally, I think, as I raise the lipstick to my chest.

At the same time, my phone pings. It’s from Jake. Now, slut.

Over the next few days, Jake and I continue to talk. It’s hard to focus on anything other than him, and I can feel Sean worrying about me. But I’m too turned on and delirious with lust to care.

I know that plenty of girls would think Jake’s a creep, wanting to take someone’s bondage virginity like that, but honestly, I can’t think of anything better. As Jake and I talk more, I learn more about him, and it’s clear he’s an expert in the ‘scene,’ as he calls it. If I am to do this, after all, I want to do it with someone who knows what they’re doing. And he seems to have a deep understanding of just what he wants and how to make sure I get what I want, too.

He’s all the way up in Leicester, and I know it’s going to take a lot of commitment on my part to get there if I really want to do this. But at the same time… am I going to get a better chance to find out what BDSM entails? I can’t be the only woman out there who’s interested in this stuff, and dithering over it is only going to give someone else a chance to get in before me.

Finally, after a week or so of conversation, I find myself agreeing to come visit Jake down at his fun little torture chamber across the country. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this, but the raging desire inside of me, and a healthy amount of curiosity, wins out.

Once Jake knows that I am going to visit him, he starts passing on everything I need to know in order to do this all safely and smoothly – the bindings I can expect him to use, the safeword I can say if it all gets too much for me, the protection he’s going to use to keep us both safe. Even though he’s all business, it still gets me hot and bothered, as I imagine how much fun it’s going to be when I actually get down there once and for all.

If there’s anything you can’t handle, you let me know, he tells me, and I know he’s not kidding here. He takes this seriously, and he wants me to enjoy it as much as he does.

I think I’ll be able to handle it, I reply.

“Are you sure it’s safe to go so far to see a stranger?” Sean asks, when I tell him I’ll be going to Leicester. “You don’t know anyone there who can help you, if things go bad.”

“It’s no different than seeing someone in London,” I say, brushing him off. “If one of my dates wants to kidnap and kill me, it’s not like they’re going to give me time to phone you, anyway, and have you come to my rescue.”

Somehow, this doesn’t seem to reassure Sean.