Sasha.

---- Forth entry ------

I promised I’d keep writing, didn’t I? Edgar said it’s important to get everything down, raw and unfiltered. I still don’t know if this will help you, or if it will just remind you of everything that’s lost. Do you even believe you ever had it? Maybe it doesn’t matter. Edgar gave me some of his diaries to read. He said Alaric read them, but I doubt he’s shown them to anyone else. Not to... normal people. Not to ones like us. Well, like you. I won’t be here much longer.

But I think I can see how it helped him. I hope it helps you. All of this—the training, the preparation—is for you. Will it ever be enough? I pray to I don't know what that it will be.

But I can’t deny that it helps me, at least a little, to pour all this out. So here we go.

I suppose I should start where everything really began to change, the last day that felt anything close to normal. The day my life split into "before" and "after." It’s a cliché, I know, but I don’t know how else to describe it.

After the tests, everything felt like a haze. The strange looks from the researchers, the hurried whispers—they kept circling in my mind, pulling me under. I tried to focus on other things, to imagine what I could do with the extra cash. Maybe treat Alex and the others to dinner, or finally get that healing course I’d been eyeing. I told myself, over and over, that it wasn’t really about me. It was just a fluke, a strange reading. Maybe they didn’t expect someone with magic potential at a public university, and it messed up their data. Or maybe—just maybe—they’d offer me a scholarship.

But the feeling that something was wrong clung to me like a shadow, no matter how hard I tried to shake it. It stayed with me through lectures, the professor’s voice a dull hum, the words slipping through my mind without sticking. The more I tried to push the fear away, the closer it seemed to creep.

And then, barely an hour after my last class ended, the course coordinator appeared. Her face was pale, and there was something in her eyes I couldn’t quite place—fear, disbelief, as if she was looking at a stranger. She didn’t explain anything, just asked me to follow her. Very politely. I tried to ask what it was about, but she only gave a quick, tight smile and said it was just a small matter.

The hallway felt longer than usual, the fluorescent lights too harsh, casting cold shadows against the linoleum. She led me to a door I’d never noticed before, pushed it open, and then she was gone.

I stepped inside and froze.

Master Ivan stood in the center of the room, his expression calm but too still. He was flanked by several men in military uniforms—battle mages, their eyes sharp and fixed on me. There was no mistaking the tension in the air. It felt like the walls were closing in.

“Miss Irving, please, come in,” Master Ivan said, his voice steady but soft.

“What’s going on?” I asked, my voice small, swallowed by the room.

“Just a few more assessments,” he said gently. “Standard follow-up.”

My gaze darted around, looking for an escape. The windows were covered, thick curtains blocking any view of the outside. The only exit was the door behind me, now guarded by one of the uniformed men who seemed to appear out of nowhere. Panic crawled up my throat, my heartbeat echoing in my ears.

“I… I should get back to my next class,” I stammered, taking a step back.

Master Ivan’s smile was kind, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “There’s no need to worry, Sasha. It won’t take long.”

A soldier stepped forward, his hand extended toward my phone. “We’ll need to hold onto this for now, please.” His tone was polite, but the request felt like an order.

I clutched my phone tighter. “Why?”

“Standard procedure,” the soldier replied calmly.

I looked at Master Ivan, hoping for some kind of explanation, some reassurance. He nodded slowly. “I’m afraid it’s necessary.”

The phone slipped from my grasp. The soldier accepted it with a slight bow, as if to make this feel normal, but nothing about it was. I had never felt so isolated. The phone felt like a lifeline I was losing.

My hands trembled as I tried to fight the rising panic. Run. Do something. But what could I do? I was surrounded by mages who could probably tear the building apart with a spell. I was helpless. I couldn’t fight, couldn’t even throw a punch back then. I barely can now, even after all that training with Edgar and the others.

You won’t ever feel helpless again, will you? Edgar says you’ll be stronger than I can imagine, that you’ll wield magic as naturally as breathing, powerful, battle magic. I still can’t believe that one day, I could be someone people look to for strength. But right then, I was powerless. I was terrified. And somehow, the fact that they were being kind made it worse.

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

They guided me out of the room, their voices gentle, like they didn’t want to frighten me. Like I wasn’t already scared out of my mind. Master Ivan stayed by my side, speaking in soothing tones about how it wouldn’t take long, how everything would be explained soon.

Before we stepped outside, Master Ivan seemed to notice I didn’t have a coat. They hadn’t even allowed me to pick up my things. His brow furrowed, and without a word, he slipped off his own coat, draping it over my shoulders. It was heavy, long, and warm, smelling faintly of sandalwood and herbs. “Keep it on,” he said softly. “It’ll help.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, mostly out of habit.

Outside, the most surreal picture greeted us; but it was the sound that hit me first, a deafening roar—loud, metallic, thundering. A helicopter. It was parked on the lawn, its sleek black blades slicing the air into a furious windstorm. More soldiers surrounded it, forming a protective circle. And beyond them, I saw a crowd. Students, staff, people who must have seen us emerge.

In the midst of it all, I saw Alex. She was pushing her way to the front, her face pale with confusion, her eyes wide with fear. I tried to move toward her, but a soldier’s hand closed around my arm, firm but not rough.

“Sasha!” Alex shouted, her voice barely audible over the roar. “What’s happening?”

“I don’t know!” I shouted back. “But I’ll be fine! I promise.” The words felt like a lie even as they left my lips.

The soldiers guided me toward the helicopter, the door already open. Alex’s eyes met mine, and I saw the tears welling up. But there was nothing I could do. I was pulled inside, the door shut behind me, and then, suddenly, the noise vanished completely, replaced by an unnatural silence as the runework on the cabin walls glowed softly. The world outside had been sealed away.

The ride was endless. The landscape below blurred as the hours dragged on—snow-covered mountains unfolding in the distance, forests blanketed in white, lakes gleaming under the winter sun. It should have been beautiful, but it didn’t feel real. It felt like a backdrop, as if the world was moving while I was standing still.

Master Ivan sat beside me, his voice drifting in and out. He talked about places in Lovenia, about the magical wonders I might see there, small talk meant to distract me. I kept asking, “Where are we going?” “Why is this happening?” But he never answered, not really. He deflected, evaded, his jaw tightening each time I pressed him. Whatever was happening, it weighed on him too.

After a while, he stopped talking. Silence fell over the cabin, and the only sound was the faint hum of the runes in the walls. I tried to focus on the view, to pretend that this was just a strange adventure. But every time I looked at Master Ivan, I saw something in his eyes—pity, maybe, or regret. It twisted my fear into something darker. What do you know that you’re not telling me?

Now I understand what he felt, I think. I wonder if he was afraid to tell me the truth, or if he thought this kindness would somehow soften whatever came next. But the weight in his eyes… it means now, when I think about it, that he knew—knew what this meant, what it might mean for me. He wasn’t just keeping secrets to protect himself. He was trying to protect me from the truth, at least for a little while longer. Maybe it was a kind thing to do. At least, I had half a day more before learning the truth.

When we landed, the city was aglow with lights, twinkling like stars scattered across the earth. Lovenia. The capital. I’d always wanted to visit, but not like this. The helicopter touched down on a private helipad atop an elegant building, and as the door opened, a burst of cold air swept in, sharp against my skin.

A woman stood there waiting, greeting me with a polite nod, and draping a fur coat over my shoulders. The fabric was impossibly soft, wrapping me in warmth like I’d never felt before.

They led me through the building, down grand corridors lined with artwork and chandeliers that glittered like constellations. The marble floors gleamed underfoot, and the walls were draped with rich tapestries. It was beautiful, overwhelming, something out of a fairy tale or a dream. It was completely surreal.

At the end of the corridor, we reached a set of double doors. The woman who’d met us at the helipad opened them and gestured for me to enter. “This will be your room for the night,” she said.

The suite was vast, impossibly large, with high ceilings and floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the city. A fireplace crackled softly in the corner, casting a warm glow over the plush carpets, the velvet chairs, the bed that looked like it could swallow me whole. A tray on the table held a silver coffee pot, steam curling from its spout. The air smelled faintly of lavender, one of my favorite scents.

I wandered through the room, trailing my fingers over smooth surfaces—mahogany, silk, marble, and other materials whose names I didn’t know. The wardrobe was full of clothes in my size: fine sweaters, dresses, even undergarments. I couldn’t believe it; how could they know? Now I understand they simply asked Alex and others, but back then it felt like a dream—a nightmare—that made less and less sense with each moment.

I poured a cup of coffee, letting the rich aroma fill the air, hoping it would steady my hands. The first sip was perfect, the kind of taste that could make you believe the world wasn’t falling apart. Almost.

But the truth was, the luxury felt oppressive, and I felt more out of place than ever in my life. I still do, even now that I understand how it works and why. Are you used to it? Edgar seems to just accept it as if it is how it should be. But then again, he is from the Miller family. He was born in riches. Even if he forgot about it, maybe something stayed? How about you? Can you enjoy these things? Please do, for both of us. You deserve everything they give you. And more.

I sank onto the bed, my body sinking into the soft mattress. It was far too big for me, the sheets cool and smooth beneath my hands. It was the best bed I’d ever lain in. I stared out at the city lights and thought about Rovalia, about my parents, about Ilya and little Kostya. They felt so far away, like they belonged to another life, a life that had slipped away without me noticing.

Tears welled up, spilling over before I could stop them. They blurred everything—the room, the lights, the future. I curled up against the pillows, clutching one to my chest. “I want to go home,” I whispered, and the words felt like a plea, a child’s wish spoken into the darkness.

I cried—harder than I’d cried in years. The kind of tears that come from deep inside, that make your whole body shake. I cried until I was exhausted, until my breaths came in ragged gasps. I needed my mother, my father, the warmth of our tiny house. I wanted to be a kid again. I was just a kid. I still am. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything would be okay.

But even then, I knew. I knew that I would never go home again.