“How could that piece of shit lie like that?!” Nikolai kicks his foot against the wall. That amount of brutality served well as a prison overseer. He could treat his prisoners like shit without mercy. Detaching oneself from the situation or not caring is one of the most effective qualities for a guard but the worst was sadism. Fortunately, Nikolai was not a sadist, only a traitor.
Mia shrugs. “I didn’t want to believe it myself but the evidence kept piling up against my wishes. He just wanted to seize power for himself. All that speaking of liberation, of calling out our government’s own dark history, was just a disguise to gather fools.”
“For fuck’s sake,” he mutters, “and all that preaching for nothing.”
“What the hell are you talking about?! You’re the one who could lose the most for revealing that betrayal? Weren’t you one of the benefactors because of it?!”
“I’m not like you,” he snarls. “I must atone for what I did, but I cannot be stuck in the past for it. I have reconciled with myself. I am the most despicable person alive and I cannot hide it anymore. The guilt will eat at me. Yet, when I talk to you, I find someone even more deserving of contempt. You wish to drown out the suffering, to run away from the agony, and for what reason?! To feel better? To pretend that everything’s alright? Or perhaps, you’re just in love with your own destruction.”
“Ah, please the both of you, be quiet for a moment,” the mercenary suddenly says. “Let us think about our own asses for once rather than our cause. Our leader is dead. This cell will be disbanded but the network will survive. But we’re all fugitives.”
“That’s right,” Mia chimes in. “We can’t be too concerned over matters of the past. We have to think about our present right now. There were many that opposed Chekyll. They’ll want to destroy every one of us. After all, we were his greatest supporters. Now, he’s dead and they can pick us off. We have no protection. First is survival; then, we can’t talk about the details. I’ve already planned for this.”
“Fine.” Nikolai crosses his arms. “I won’t mention it until we’re relatively safe and sound but we aren’t talking him with us.”
“Ah, but we are.” Surprisingly, it’s not Mia that speaks but the mercenary. “I’ve talked to him for a bit. He’s certainly pathetic but I see potential in him. Even he has some fire left in him. All we have to do is kindle it.”
“Hah.” For once, Nikolai and I are in sync.
“It’s rather annoying that you look down on me like that,” I immediately respond. “I don’t need pity from anyone. You can’t save me. You’re just another bastard who thinks he can. How old are you? Shouldn’t you know at this age just how ridiculous it is to ignite a flame that has died. You’re quite old yourself. You should know that at my age, our flame wavers. I am flickering out. Let me die in the cool winds.”
“Yes, yes, this is good!” Mia smiles happily. “Anyways, enough of arguing, we can always dump him off if we don’t want him. For now, he stays.”
I keep silent. My fate is already sealed. It’s two-against-one. I don’t count as a voice and once again I am left against fate. Hah, the Maker really wants to screw me over. Turning me into a mute captive, I have no choice but to resign myself to that destiny. Instead, I push all protests aside and calculate. All I can do is search for a way out, but knowing the Maker, it’s a vain effort. However, if I don’t do anything, I really will go insane. The illusion of control kept me alive. I will continue that lie.
“Alright, if we’re leaving, where to?” I ask.
“See, not even he’s rejecting it!” Mia shouts.
Nikolai remains silent but his eyes are stormy. I’m sure he doesn’t want to be reminded of what he was, of the gravity of his crimes. That is the real reason he hates me. All the bullshit about running from the past is simply justification for a despicable act--
The aversion of the eyes.
Then again, what exactly am I doing, if not the same thing? Acting as though I might be able to escape this, I distort reality to my biding. Still, I despise him with all my heart.
He stares at me. We have a silent conversation with our eyes. Both of us hate each other but we make a pact. For now, we abide each other. It is just like the armistice that the Motherland made right after the war. Let us rebuild ourselves so that we may fight again. Too bad we collapsed before we could cash our cheque, so to speak.
I listen to Mia carefully, assessing any opportunities where I could run, but I pretend to agree. The mercenary watches me skeptically. He’s probably thinking of how to prevent me escaping. Too bad I am an excellent actor. Another skill I picked up at those camps. When a guard asks you to praise them, you throw away any semblance of dignity, any semblance of insincerity, and simply applaud them. I got so good at it I became one of the foremen but it was a very treacherous path. Any single misstep and you’d fall to your doom.
That is why I glance back curiously before turning back to Mia’s explanation. He stops looking. That is but a trap. At all times, there is always a guard on watch. They always wanted to punish us for the littlest of things. I cannot slip up. Death is the end. I fear it but I envy it. Oh what an antinomy!
Eventually, Mia ends her spiel.
I memorized the key bits. We were going to be taken by an arms dealer. He would smuggle us out of this country. Then, we’d join up with the small faction of those who supported Chekyll. From there, we’d consolidate power to seize control.
A thought occurs to me, however. “We’re the minority, right?”
“Yes, Chekyll wasn’t highly supported by most people,” Mia replies.
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I laugh, “Well of course not, if he did something like this. I wonder if that was the reason why they didn’t want him. If they knew he was a traitor, then we’re the ones played for fools.”
“Indeed, and even now our small faction is shrinking. Many have renounced Chekyll’s dream in fear of persecution. Those that remain are the zealots. Even if he was lying the whole damn way, that dream he spoke of is still something that they, and we, believe in.”
“Yes, we must remember what happened!” Nikolai announces. “I can already see the same thing happening right now. Storms are gathering. Glaskraut is taking advantage of the people’s forgetfulness. He’s starting to wage his own private war within the Parliament. Soon, he’ll have his way to power.”
“Oh yes, just because of his rhetoric, he’ll forge an authoritarian position with him as king,” I snort. “Certainly, he has a sort of roguish reputation but we forget that our military always destroys those demagogues. The system is tightly held in place. If you can’t see it, then fine, do whatever the hell you want, but don’t drag everyone into it.”
Everyone pulls their guns at me.
“Are you willing to die then for that belief?” the mercenary growls.
I sigh. “You people really are fools. You’ll shoot anyone that disagrees?” Even though it’s a move that will probably get me killed, I speak out. No longer can I listen to this charade. “Listen, I have lived longer than all of you, though some of you are too naive for your age.” I glare at Nikolai and then the mercenary. Neither flinches from my penetrative gaze. “Glaskraut is no fool. He may speak loudly and toot his horn, but he will not cross the line, not if he values his life, and I can say this with certainty. He won’t seize power.”
“How do you know that,” Nikolai states calmly but inside his eyes is opportunity. He hopes to bait me so that everyone shoots me.
“Because a politician values his reputation,” I answer. “Now look. You can shoot me and I die. It’d be nice if I did but I’m sure you have a reason to keep me alive, now isn’t that right.” This time, I examine Mia. She is my greatest supporter but even she has her limits. Still, with her on my side, as the 2nd-in-command, nobody can disobey. My watchful eye looks for a reason why she brought me here.
As though on cue, she recites her lines. “It is because you are the Hero of Frost.”
Suddenly, I freeze. The spotlight is on me. Everyone looks at me surprised. No, please don’t look; nono, not like this. They’re probably shocked that I lost my composure. Even when a guard spitting in my face, his gun to my temple, even then, I did not cry or shout. I simply spoke softly, Please let me live.
And he did. Probably, it was because I did not hesitate to speak. Maybe, it was the eyes. In that moment, fear was no more. Either I’d die or live but I had to cast the dice.
Just as Mia has done right now.
“It’s been a long time since someone called me that,” I say loosely, as though I didn’t care about her declaration. “Still, how did you know?”
“Your eyes,” Mia smirks. “They have this crystalline whiteness to them. Transparent and clear, they penetrate deeply. They’re as pure as snow.”
“And since when were they clean?” I ask. “I lost that purity years ago. Funnily enough, it wasn’t the war that ruined me but my own people.” A blizzard swirls around me. “It was snowing the day I was arrested.”
Everyone gasps. Probably because I let go of the anchors hold me back. When I recall the past, I only remember the horrific parts. To conceal the lucid hope, I made it lurid and painted it with scarlet and flashing yellow, the bangs of flash grenades. I smothered it with mud. The past I left behind. It was supposed to disappear into the underground.
My posture straightens and I lift my chin.
The usual defeatist bearing disappears.
“You wished for a hero? I’m no goddamn hero.” Even the voice tinged with failure disappears but the bitterness remains. “Let me die at peace. I have no wish to come back to the battlefield. I had enough of that. I’ve had enough of politicking and fighting for myself. This generation will do the same. I refuse to fight anymore. My back is broken and my eyes look down. Must you fix them once more?”
“We already did,” Mia laughs. “You’re young again, revitalized.” She announces with brightness to her eyes. “We have the Hero of Frost. With him, our cause will not fail.”
“That is assuming that I join you,” I suddenly stamp out her enthusiasm.
“Huh?” Mia looks dumbfounded. “But I thought you were a warrior of justice. You even faced political exile and imprisonment for protest. You even returned to this pisshole of our country because you believed in it! How could you let it rot away like this?”
“I am old and frail.”
“Your body is new and strong!”
“Not my body. My mind.” I tap my forehead for emphasis. “I’ve faced so many trials and tribulations. I sold my soul to my cause. These old bones creak. My heart is charred by ideology. Do you know just the price to pay for your beliefs? Have you ever gotten caught? This terrorist group is only a couple years old. A newborn. Even when you say you have cells, my guess is that they are only comprised of a group of four to six people. Your total manpower is only about a hundred strong, I’m guessing. Have any of you participated in political war?”
I begin by questioning the mercenary. “You have fought for money and personal gain. Have you ever fought for the people’s gain? You claim you wish to avenge your father’s death, but he is already dead and our generation vanished. We are forgotten, yet you wish to stir the past? You wish to stir the demon that lays asleep?”
Next, I turn my eyes to Nikolai. “And you. You said I was bitter, that I am bitter. Indeed, but what of it? You said I was stuck in the past, but how could I not after all I’ve been through? And what have you done with your time? Pump yourself up with your guilt. Become a martyr? You’re too old for that. Even if your body is young, your mind is frail and it’s lying to you. You don’t want to punish yourself for your sins. That’s just the lie you fed yourself to keep alive, to live with the guilt. Claiming you’d turn yourself in or that one day redemption may come.” I spit my next words with utter contempt. “It’s too late for that, you senile bastard.”
Finally, I look to Mia. “And you! Your eyes have something broken in them. I can tell because I am the same. You’re a shambling mess, a shell that looks alive. I don’t know what the hell you’ve been through, but running away from those demons in this child’s game is not going to save you.”
As though lightning had flashed, a fire razed down everything in its path. I could not pretend anymore. Remaining her among these fools would drive me insane. I let myself be a bitter fool in order to keep anyone from paying attention. My life was so full of hardship, yet they want to take advantage of it! They want me to be a rally point for their own shitty cause?! Pieces of shit. Just let an old man rest.
I smile. Putting down people like this makes me happy. It’s best to let them down quickly before it’s too late, before they become me, a man shattered by his beliefs.
But then a familiar face enters the room. The young college kid I punched when I woke up appears. Of them all, I will take the most pleasure in tearing him down. He is the most naive, not even being able to kill, but amusement swiftly turns to horror.
Dear Maker, why must You always rain on my parade.
A gun fires.
His eyes stare directly at mine. They’re changed. Somehow, something changed in them in the span of twelve hours. He is unyielding. An iron curtain. And suddenly the lights go out.