PART I
Chapter I: How Do I Escape the Torture Labyrinth?
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“AAAAIIIEEEE!!!” I screamed.
“Shut up!” the flagellator yelled, “I’m totally flagellating you right now!”
This sucked. I was totally getting tortured and stuff, and in the Chamber of Neverending Flagellation, no less!
With each lash, I was carried away by the pain, only coming back to my senses at the precise instant before the next flagellation.
I have to hand it to him, his timing was tremendously well-paced. It seemed as if the flagellation would never end!
Needless to say, I had a lot of flagellation to look forward to at this point, and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.
I jerked and twisted against my restraints. Each jerk met a firm boundary, but with each twist the boundary gave in.
Eventually, I was able to slip a hand out. During one of the flagellator's breaks, I untied the other strap, and then my feet.
I made a break for it
As I slipped out the door, I heard him yell behind me,
“Hey, what the hell! I'm totally supposed to be flagellating you right now!”
I paid him no attention as I slipped out of the door.
The hallway was made of a rough, damp stone, and the air had a dank, musty atmosphere to it.
I ran.
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I won’t bore you with the details of how many twists and turns I took, but suffice it to say, there were many.
I must have turned left a dozen times, and turned right maybe thirteen or fourteen times.
I didn’t see anyone else in the hallways with me.
At least, not until I did.
I turned a corner and saw a figure in the distance.
It was a small, green creature, hunched over and muttering to itself.
I couldn’t make out what it was saying, but it had a strange, nasally voice.
I ducked back behind the corner.
“Hey, I saw that!” I heard it yell, “I saw you just duck behind that corner!”
“Crap,” I thought.
“Come on, I know you’re back there!”
I reluctantly stepped out from behind the corner.
It stood there with its arms crossed, tapping its foot and squinching its face into an impish expression.
In a word, it appeared to be some kind of goblin.
“What are you, some kind of goblin?” I asked.
It stared at me.
“Do you have any idea how insulting that is?”
“What?”
“I’m a gremlin, guy.”
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“Oh.”
“Jesus,” it rolled its eyes, “and here I thought we were getting somewhere in this place.”
I stared at it.
“What are you, some kind of freak?" it scoffed, "never seen a gremlin before?”
“I’m not a freak.” I planted my feet.
"Whatever, guy."
It looked me up and down.
"What are you doing out here?"
"I don't know," I looked around, "just trying to escape, I guess."
It punched me in my thigh.
“Don't say that!” it hissed.
“What? Why?”
It punched me again.
"Keep your voice down!”
“Okay, sorry," I whispered, “Jesus, dude.”
It punched me again.
“Ow! What was that for?”
“I don’t know,” it shrugged, “just felt like it, I guess.”
“Well, don’t,” I said firmly, “it hurts.”
It ignored this comment.
“So, what’s your plan, guy?”
“My plan?”
“Yeah. What are you doing out here?”
“Well, I suppose I’m trying to-”
The creature gave me a sharp look.
“Oh- just walking around, I guess."
It relaxed.
"Can I at least follow you around?” I asked the creature.
It scoffed and began walking away.
I followed. It pretended not to notice.
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We walked in silence, and eventually came to another door.
It was small and shoddy, only coming up to my chest and jammed into a cracked hole in the wall.
There was no sign above it.
“Okay, here’s where I leave you,” it said, “have a good time.”
“Oh. What is this place?”
“It’s my house.”
“More of a hole in the wall, really.”
“And now he knows everything about houses! It’s a home, meatball. Get lost.”
“Can I come in?”
“Who the– who do you think I am, guy?” it spluttered, “I’m not letting you into my home! Who knows where you’ve been!”
“The Chamber of Neverending Flagellation.”
“Oh, yeah?” it rubbed its chin, "how’d you like it?”
“Not very much.”
It nodded, deep in thought.
“So, can I come in?”
“Sorry, pal. No can do.”
“C'mon, I got nowhere else to go!”
“Buddy, you got everywhere else to go! It’s a whole labyrinth out there!”
It gestured to the hallway around it.
I looked around. All I saw was a hallway.
It began to close the door, and then stopped.
“And if you ever find an answer to that question of yours, let ol’ Grungleby know, won't ya?”
It flashed me a wink and slammed the door.
I looked around.
I still only saw a hallway.
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“AAAAIIIEEEE!!!” I screamed.
This sucked. I was totally lost and stuff, and in the Torture Labyrinth, no less!
Needless to say, I had a lot of walking around to look forward to at this point, and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.
I heard a voice in the distance.
“What was that?”
I kept quiet.
“Who’s there?”
I ducked behind a corner.
“Hey, I saw that!”
“Damn it,” I thought.
“I saw you just duck behind that corner! I know-”
“Yeah, yeah.”
I stepped out.
It was another small, green, humanoid creature. It was staring at me.
I stared back and said nothing.
“Do you have any idea how insulting that is?”
“What? I didn’t say-”
“No, no, I get it! Everyone hides when they see Greebles coming, isn’t that right? No one ever wants to-”
“Your name is Greebles?”
“Yeah," it sniffed.
I looked closer at it.
I ventured a guess.
“Are you a gremlin?”
“Do you have any idea how insulting that is?”
"How insulting is it?”
“Not very. I am.”
“Ah.”
“Well anyway, what was that?”
“What was what?”
“That scream. Was that you?”
“Oh- yes, I suppose it was.”
“Why are you screaming in here?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, “just felt like it, I guess.”
“Well, don’t,” it said firmly, “some of us are trying to do our jobs.”
“Oh, I see.”
It harrumphed victoriously.
“What is your job, anyhow?”
It looked at me like I just asked it what the purpose of a Torture Labyrinth was.
“I’m a gremlin, guy!”
It wiggled around a little.
“Yeah, I get that. But, like, what do you do around here?”
“Oh, some heebing, some jeebing. Mostly just gremling around.”
“Gremling?”
“Yeah,” it sniffed again.
“What’s that?”
“I’m a gremlin, guy! What else am I’asposa do?”
It wiggled around some more.
“I don’t know. You could help me find a way out of here, I guess.”
It punched me in my thigh.
“Ow! What was that for?”
“Don’t talk about that kind of stuff!”
“Why not?”
“We just can’t, okay!” it looked around, “so just shut up about it, will you?”
“Okay, Jesus, dude.”
It punched me again.
“Ow!” I rubbed my thigh, “that hurts!”
“Don’t take His name in vain!”
I stopped.
“How do you know about Jesus?” I asked.
“Unbelievable,” it said as it began to walk away.
“Wait, wait!”
It waited.
“Can you at least point me in the right direction?”
“Oh,” it looked surprised, “sure, I can do that, no problem.”
It pointed to my left.
“I just came from down there.”
It seemed to think for a second, and then said,
“Sorry, I get mixed up sometimes. For you it’d be down there.”
It pointed to my right.
“Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.”
I continued to walk in the direction it pointed me.