Novels2Search

Wanting.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

The question caught you off guard, crazy straw hanging from your mouth.

The machines behind you stirred and chirped, beeping and babbling a thousand disjointed thoughts that eventually coalesced into a single bewildered "Huh?"

Dr. Downfall regarded you with something bordering on amusement, but you were ninety percent sure his face just Looked Like That normally.

You weren't sure though.

"I said," he continued between sips of grassy smelling tea, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Grow… up?" You said.

"Yes, the thing all children do eventually." Dr. Downfall replied.

He didn't expect you to laugh.

A sharp and terrible sound. The wretched prerecorded mechanical mess of your own laughter bolstered by a chorus of giggling machines, their screens weeping blue liquid onto the pristine floor.

It sounded cruel, felt cruel to laugh in Hubris' face after he'd been nothing but kind to you.

"I… don't… get… to… grow… up!" You gasped in between guffaws. "None of us get to grow up."

Dr. Downfall's expression of vague amusement never changed, even when it was obscured by your own tears rolling hot and fast over your muzzle. Even when laughter turned to anger and the crying wouldn't stop, your tiny ragged body trembled with each sob.

"Fine then, what do you want to be?" Hubris was unphased, he poured himself another cup of tea without taking his eyes off of you.

"Be…?"

"Yes my little echo, what do you want to be, what do you want to become, even if you don't grow up?"

"...alive?" You didn't understand the question, that much was apparent.

Dr. Downfall gazed at you from over the rim of his mug, eyebrow raised. "That's all? You want to live and nothing else?"

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"What else is there?"

"Let me rephrase, what does 'living' mean to you? What does it look like?"

What does 'living' look like?

Your nose wrinkled in confusion, you didn't understand the question. Any of Dr. Downfall's questions really. The idea of 'wanting' or 'being' was so completely alien to you that you decided to change the subject. "Why am I tied up?"

"Because you're dangerous and they're afraid of you." Hubris said without hesitation. "You are also dodging my questions, little echo."

"Are you afraid of me?"

"No, it's pretty hard to be afraid of a monster once you've unmasked it." His smile was soft and sly, like a fox's tail. "There's a children's show about that I think, something to do with a dog, you'd probably like it."

"Is there a difference between being alive and living?"

"Oh yes," Dr. Downfall said in a soft voice, one that was almost a whisper. "From an etymological standpoint I believe they're synonyms. But in a metaphorical sense 'being alive' is a state in which your cells are functional, whereas 'living' is interacting meaningfully with your surroundings."

"What does that mean?"

"Right now you're alive, you're doing what it takes to survive and nothing more. You're so focused on being alive and staying alive that you can't even enjoy the little things you do while being alive." Hubris tilted his head, tapping his long and elegant nails on the side of his mug making tiny pinging noises that looked a little bit like raindrops. "And that enjoyment is part of living."

"Why are you telling me this?" Your head tilted too.

"Because you interest me and I would like to know what sort of person you are." Dr. Downfall smiled, his long golden fangs on full display. Top and bottom.

"I'm not a person though? I'm an experiment or lab equipment or both."

Hubris' smile faded, just a little, melting into a slim line that turned up at the corners. "Here's the deal ouroboros, bite down or let go because you can't keep holding on like this. If you're not careful, you're going to be stuck in a cycle of 'what I'm not' instead of focusing on what you are."

"What am I?"

"You're a good kid in a shit situation doing his best to keep going despite having next to no autonomy." "You're Duckie's best friend, and you deserve better."

"Should you be telling me this?"

"Oh definitely not, but they can't fire me so I'll do what I please until it comes back to bite me." He grinned then, and looked more like a sly and slinking fox than ever. "I'm rooting for you Jack, I want to see you get through this and live a life that makes you happy."

Had you ever been happy? You weren't entirely certain, but something strangely warm settled in your chest like a cup of hot broth.

You wanted to be happy, you wanted to know what it felt like to be a person who wasn't just surviving, just being alive.

You wanted to LIVE.