I finally make it to good ole dad’s car wash to gaze upon the illustrious and mysterious home / van of Greg Universe. Actually, it’s a run down rust bucket, but it’s been in the family for a long time apparently. The old man could just get an actual house but he doesn’t need any fancy schmancy building that can’t even move. Vans are superior in every way.

Hey Dad, it’s me Steven, we got a situation out here and could really use your help.” I say with a couple of casual knocks. Unfortunately, I forgot that the guy could sleep through hurricanes and it took OG Steven literally forcing the car alarm to activate just to wake him up. I don’t waste my time with further banging and climb on top. I can’t wait until I unlock my floating powers. This being a mere mortal thing is sucking major balls right now.

I start playing hopscotch on top of the vehicle while yelling out for Greg with each step. Eventually, the car alarm decided it had enough of my abuse and screamed at me, but that’s alright, because it was all part of my master plan. Soon enough, the local resident comes rushing out with what appears to be a legendary weapon. The enemy to waffles everywhere. Good thing I’ve come in peace, otherwise any delicious bread I had on me would be in trouble.

“Who’s there?! I have a waffle iron!” he threatens, waving the mighty iron in the air. In reverence of the majestic tool, I kneel in pain, hand clenching my heart in agony for the mere sight has defeated me.

“Curses!” I shout. “No, it can’t be! How could you have known my only weakness!?” I ask, barely containing my laughter with each passing second. Yeah, I know, big eye ball is coming down to crush us all, but now that I’ve gotten used to it being in the sky, it’s sort of hard to still be intimidated when I know there’s a weapon that can destroy it with one shot in a dusty shed down the block. This is my first meeting with the old man, I gotta enjoy it.

He squints at me for a bit before recognizing who I am. “Steven?” he asks before looking back towards his waffle iron and back up at me a few times. Then with only a smile as a warning, he gets straight into characters. As expected from my nemesis, he points the weapon at me in warning.

“Haha!!! You were a foolish fool for coming to my lair this night Waffle Boy! You might’ve bested me before, but now with this, I shall finally be victorious!!! MWHAHAHA!!!” I gotta say, that was a pretty nice evil laugh. I’ve heard better, but it wasn’t horrible. 7/10. I take on a confident smirk myself before my reply.

“HA! You may think so, but I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life! At this very second, I’ve prepared an equally terrifying weapon that will give me victory this day! Now look behind you and prepare yourself!” I shout, pointing towards the giant eyeball behind him. He turns around dramatically with a laugh, but immediately I can see his face fall.

“...Steven, what is that?” he asks simply.

“A humongous eyeball that’s barreling towards us with the intent to crush everything in the surrounding area.” I answer simply.

“A humongous magical eyeball that’s barreling towards us with the intent to crush everything in the surrounding area?”

I nod.

“And that “Everything” includes us right?”

I nod.

“....Yeah, the Gems told me that I’m not supposed to be involved with magical things. It could be dangerous for my lively…-ness. And my hair.” he says to me, strangely calm about the events that are transpiring. Which I’m a little bit surprised by but shouldn’t be I guess. The guy did marry an alien warlord.

“It’s nothing super serious.” I say, ignoring Amethyst’s screams in the distance and the THUD that follows. “Mom apparently left you a cannon that we need to destroy it before it crushes us. Do you know where it is, I got here quickly, but we really don’t have that much time.” I ask casually. I assume I made it here faster than Steven did in the original series, after all, while I hate the runs with a passion, I have been making progress.

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“Yeah, I don’t know exactly,” he replies while rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “But there’s a good chance I know where it might be.”

And with that, we were off. The storage unit really was just down the block. Huh, this town might be a little smaller than I thought. We made it there though and opened up the shed to find...stuff. Just lots and lots of stuff. Of course, I also see the sock and flashlight on the floor.

I grab only the flashlight.

“It’s the shed I use to keep things that don’t fit in the van. If it’s anywhere, it’ll be in the bad boy.” he says while taking a slow look around at all the things inside. Must bring back memories I guess, he probably doesn’t come here that often and there’s obviously things that go years back in this tiny shed.

“The cannon is supposed to be big right, do you have some rope or something I can tie around it? Would make the thing a whole lot easier getting out.” I say. He looks around for a bit before picking up a long yellow extension cord and tying it around me. I give him a grim nod, as if I’m going into battle.

“All right, I’m going in. If I don’t make it out, tell my wife that I love her.” I hear a chuckle from behind me as I crawl into a little crevice that’ll allow me to get deeper inside. After a little bit, I make it to a place where I can stand and give a good look around. So many random things. He’s definitely a hoarder. I don’t stop to gawk too much, I’m still on a mission, but I do take not of what’s inside for potential future purposes.

A pool table.

An Arcade machine called...Invasion Mutant.

A boombox.

A pinball machine.

And...is that a spear? I give a little touch to the blade and find that it’s sharp. A real spear. What the hell Greg?

“Hey Dad, there’s a spear in here!....And a harpoon? Why?!” I shout out, asking for an explanation.

“Well your mom had a lot of enemies kiddo. I just wanted to be prepared. Just in case.”

...Huh. That makes sense. When I found the box of CD's, I knew I was headed in the right direction, so I kept trekking forward. Obviously I told Greg about it though, there’s no way I’m missing out on him playing the album in the van. I know it’s not great, but it’s his, and as his son now I should take pride in that. Besides, it’s not even that bad. I even know all of the words. Then again, I know all of the words to every Steven Universe song.

I passed by a sword and spartan helmet before coming across the picture. It was Greg, eating a hot dog and looking up towards Rose with this loving smile. He’s old, his hair is gone, and it seems as if the leader of the Crystal Gems was enjoying his goofiness. How long were they together? They met when he was much younger right? He still had his mane...how long were they in love before she left to turn into Steven. Into me?

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I can’t bring myself to break the picture. I pick it up and take it with me on my journey. I know she wasn’t the best person, and she did horrible things, but Dad loved her...and she’s technically my mom y’know?

Anyways, if the photo is here then...pointing my flashlight ahead I find the cannon, sitting there in all of it’s powerful glory. Tying the thing up in the cord, I make my way out the shed and tie the other end to the van. Mr. Universe gets in and with a little pull, gets the cannon out….with almost everything else. Eh, we’ll put it all back in later.

I take the cannon and try lifting it up onto the wagon, but I struggle a bit until Dad helps me out, figuring out what I want to do. I guess I’m not as strong as I want to be yet. Putting the thought of tougher training to the side for now, we use the cord to tie an end to the wagon and we’re off!

“Hey Dad, look what I found.” I say while handing him the photo. His eyes steer off the road for a second to see what it was before doubling back. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he got whiplash, and the grin on his face could split it in half.

“That picture! I always wondered what happened to it.” he grabs it from my hand while keeping one of his own on the wheel. “Hot dogs were one of the only things your mother would eat. I don’t even think she chewed or tasted the food, but we had this saying. “If every pork-chop were perfect-”

“We wouldn’t have hotdogs.” I say finishing his sentence which caused a small smile to form. “What was she like?” I can’t help but ask. I could feel a story coming, but before it could begin we made it to the beach. The catastrophe has gotten closer and closer, and things are starting to break apart.

“Steven!!! The Canon!” I hear Pearl scream but I ignore her for getting the weapon in position. While I couldn’t pick the entire thing up by myself, I was certainly strong enough to tilt it in the right direction.

“Dad...I don’t really know who she was. What she really wanted or even if she was a good person. But, there’s one thing I do know, she loved you. And it’s your love that’s going to save us today.” I reach out a hand that he hesitantly takes and I place it on the cannon.

“You’re part of this family too Dad. Gem or no. I know sometimes you want to help, and sometimes you mess up. But that’s alright. Everything is alright. After all...if every pork-chop was perfect-”

“”We Wouldn’t Have Hotdogs.””

A blast was made.

An explosion filled the sky.

The day was saved.

A tear had fallen.