Living in the Labyrinth for a whole of two weeks now, I had a firm idea of what to expect. Surprises. Some days they were of the milder kind. The Dumdums with their yucky neck tongues, looking to make an intimate connection. On others, yet another eldritch nightmare. Hopefully tongue-less.

Who am I kidding? Knowing my luck, made entirely of tongues.

On days when the heartbeat of the Labyrinth pulsed softly, its thrum barely audible, the walls assumed a deep purple hue. In my tent, rolling to my back, my senses tingled, and I got antsy. I called this the Purple Allergy.

The Labyrinth had a sense of humor and a twisted one at that. When it kicked back and relaxed, in the quiet, Murphy’s law came out to play. In other words, the Labyrinth wouldn’t have been satisfied to just send a Dumdum my way and I better get moving.

Sleeping on a bed of tomato-plant stems, with the thorns peeled off, was an acquired taste. The secret to a calm sleep lied in the direction of the stems, their consistency, and how tightly I packed them together.

Truly, if I had one gift in this damned place, sleep was it. I’d been as scared as I’d ever been for weeks now, but once asleep my mind thankfully turned to mush. I had no nightmares, except for the occasional classics, like running late to class. Mrs. Hanshall's class.

Highschool left its mark on it, okay?

Best of all, there existed the incomparable comfort in the moment you realize you’ve woken up.

Lost in a world of comfort, I cuddled in on myself, vaguely aware of the concept of an outside world. As a kid, in those moments of transition, I used to imitate my dog, Pepper. As the brown mutt fell asleep, she continually opened and closed her mouth in a gesture I could only interpret as content, as if she tasted sleep in the same fashion as one sampled cuisine of the highest order. Like pizza.

Man, I missed pizza.

In that divine moment of in-between, as I tasted on nothing, I calmed down immediately once again, lost to sleep. The outside world would wait. Go, Pepper! Go dog life.

Against my better judgment, I found my eyes popped open. The thrum quieted down even further.

Damn it.

Reality prepared to crash down on me, and I decided to meet it head-on. With explosives.

Twenty minutes later I’ve already harvested thirty-six tomatoes, throwing them into the loot sack I got earlier. I collected them as far away from the tunnel as possible, close to basecamp. Anything to avoid drawing in an unwanted surprise. With a Purple Day, I took no chances. Almost.

I hoped taking the sack with me would turn out a safe choice. The Dumdums didn’t seem to show as much interest in older loot.

Yeah, like that would work on a Purple Day.

I also had on my new weapon, a mace I got as loot from killing the Dumdum the other day, but there was no way I walked into this unarmed.

Soon I collected thirty tomatoes and set out toward the exit tunnel.

A hundred feet from the tunnel, I put down the sack with a sigh, wanting to avoid the risk of a Dumdum picking up on the sack loot. I picked up five tomatoes, cradling them in my arms, and took a step toward the tunnel, then thought better of it. Dropping them would have turned out bad, to say the least.

Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

I picked it back up and carefully walked the rest of the way.

The tomatoes patch ended about thirty feet out. Holding the sack to my chest to risk no tomato cracking, I ran in the tunnel. It was time to create a minefield.

Quickly, but with care, I covered the tunnel entrance about three feet in with the tomatoes. It was a 15 feet wide entrance. I laid them out in a line across, then thought better of it and staggered them to create a wider blast zone, six tomatoes every two and a half, with every second tomato two feet into the tunnel.

On a Purple Day, with or without the sack, I knew the promised surprise wouldn’t leave me waiting long. I hid behind the rock covering a third of the exit.

Within minutes, I heart Dumdum snorts from the tunnel. Four bright Dumdums horns headed my way out of the darkness.

Four Dumdums! I should have gotten more tomatoes. Shit.

I picked up two tomatoes and waited. Soon, the Dumdums approached my staggered line of tomato mines. I had to throw now, or at the rate they were going the explosion would have happened after they passed.

I got up and threw one tomato to the right, then quickly another one to the left. I hit the mined line only with the second tomato. Nothing happened.

Fuck Murphy, his law, and life.

Out of the darkness I made out the shapes of two of the Dumdums.

“Fuck. Fuck.” I said, then added, “Fuck.” I looked down to the tomatoes I wanted to use as triggers. I had only four left. “Fuck.”

I picked up two more tomatoes and threw them in the tunnel without aiming, glad I decided to keep the mined line only three feet in. Pops quickly followed as I knelt to pick up my last two and threw them hard over the rock without looking, crunching down. I heard one pop when the explosion happened. A few seconds later a much larger explosion followed.

I had no idea if the explosion killed the Dumdums, but it hopefully at least incapacitated them. I’d have run away if that was a possibility through the tomatoes patch.

Noted. Create an armored position to pull back to!

I got up, pulled the mace from my belt, and ran to the tunnel. I barely got past the rock when I heard another huge explosion. I jumped to the ground, covering my head with my hands.

A forceful wind pushed at me, and small stones rained down. I waited a few more seconds then retreated with a hurry, turning around on all fours and getting as fast as I could behind the rock.

I collapsed to the ground. My body dripped sweat. It wasn’t so much the exertion as it was me forgetting to breathe. Martial arts 101.

Stop. Think. That explosion hit you like a flashbang and you’re in shock. Slow down.

I got up and crouched behind the rock, mace held in both hands. If any Dumdum survived, I planned to jump it. If two came at once I would have been done for. At this juncture, I felt I had to take the risk.

A few minutes later, or what I figured for a few minutes, no Dumdum came through. I looked behind the rock, exposing one eye to the tunnel. Nothing.

Still crouching, I ran to the edge of the tunnel and hugged the wall. Slowly, I peeked around the corner. My lips drew up into a grin, and I felt a mean streak coming over me.

I crouched down even lower and paced into the tunnel. Three Dumdums lay on the ground, one right at the entrance, and two a few feet into the tunnel, lying close together. All of them still breathing.

I’d chide myself for this later, but I ran in screaming and hit the first Dumdum, my mace landing the hit from above my head with a large arch. It must have taken ten minutes, crunches coming from the Dumdum’s body with every hit, but eventually, a notification popped up.

For slaying a Tuskosaurus (Lvl. 4) you have gained 360 experience points.

Weird. Whatever these game-like notifications meant, I must have gotten more experience because it was my own actions that caused the death, as opposed to an assist on killing a monster like my stabbing the Dumdum when it was close to death already.

For slaying a Tuskosaurus (Lvl. 4) you have gained 360 experience points.

For slaying a Tuskosaurus (Lvl. 6) you have gained 360 experience points.

Congratulations! You have gained a level and are now level 3. You have gained six unallocated stat points.

Congratulations! You have learned the Skill Blunt Weapons. Blunt Weapons has advanced to level 3.

“Boom! Take that!”

I really need to figure out where I can access my status screen, to see about these unallocated points.

I collected my loot and headed out when something hit my head.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”

Is the tunnel collapsing?

“Fuck. I should have known Murphy wouldn’t let me off that easy.”