Ah, the first day on the job. Most people hate it, but I usually love the feeling of a new gig. This is not one of those times.
King Quist sends a carriage to pick me up at the crack of dawn (As if anyone does their best work before the sun starts its shift) and drags me down the road, although he makes sure to follow my wishes and take the long way around, so no one assumes I've joined the dark- well, darker- side.
We arrive at the castle's front gates an hour later, expecting nothing but a few branches dancing on the dawn's coastal breeze, but instead we're given a greeting by something that brings a smile to my face: A crowd of hundreds of townsfolk beating on the wrought iron calling for Connor's banishment. The guard nearly slaps me to punish my cackling, but instead forces my head down so I would not be seen. The protestors slam on the carriage's doors, demanding they open them and bring them inside the castle, but the driver merely orders the horses to kick the people out of the way and barrels through the gates as soon as a crack opens. The protestors make some headway in their invasion and nearly pull the bars loose, but the mechanism wins out. Guess I'm stuck with his Highness after all.
We pull up to the Castle doors, and even I have to admit, it was absolutely fabulous. The doorknobs alone cost more than my cottage. As if the seaside view wasn't enough, the entire building is covered in marble, with giant flags of the Kingdom hanging from the columns dotting the corners of the estate and pleasant gardens of wildflowers flowing all the way to the back of the property. My mouth is still agape as the guards push me out of the carriage and lead me into the castle. The inside is just as spectacular; gold and pearl adorn nearly every wall and handle as our feet tap on the shined quartz. On the way to our final stop, we pass the King's trinket room, filled wall-to-wall with vases, weapons, and paintings from other countries from the icy tundras to the deepest deserts. The price of the entire collection could bring our country out of debt in a second. I consider swiping a particularly gorgeous spear inlayed with a flower design but decide to look for a moment to swipe it once my mission is complete; call it an extra tip.
We finally arrive at the King's dining room, a massive theater-like structure with a table that could make the last supper weep. The King sits at the head like a neanderthal as he gnaws on a hefty piece of ham, and smiles as his goons seat me at the other end.
"Did you spot your adoring fans outside, King Quist? Surely, you're the most beloved man in the land," I chuckle. Connor brushes my comment to the side and focuses on my hired task: His archipelago fever dream.
"Sir Orenson, I have gathered my best men to crew the ship and we are prepared to set sail immediately. You have a crew of twenty, plus myself and my party."
"And just how big is this party? I can't keep watch on you, your lackeys, and search for a mythical island paradise all at the same time."
"Not to worry, Ozzy, they're quite capable. Let's go meet them, shall we?"
Quist points outside the sweeping window to his left and reveals a galleon adorned with a gorgeous silver bull-shaped figurehead, illustrious sails, and brilliant blue siding heading straight to the Castle docks. On the nearby gardens, the royal attendants hurriedly gather the dozens of boxes of supplies to load on the vessel. The king finishes his meal and leads me down the dining hall's steps outside just as the boat lands and the crew begins to disembark.
"Where the hell did you find this beauty from? I've never seen a ship like this!"
"I called in one last favor from our eastern neighbors, who gifted it from their trade fleet. I sent my party to pick it up just for you. You may recognize some of them."
He points to the bridge just as the last few soldiers clear out, and I feel a sudden urge to unsheathe my knife. The first party member off the boat is the King's head general, none other than my old military academy nemesis (And, in my opinion, a bigger showboat than Connor), Gene Christoph. He waves to me with a shrewd smile and walks over with a bow.
"My Lord," Gene says to King Quist, "the vessel is just as exquisite as our allies said. I can think of no better vessel for such a quest."
"But I can think of plenty better generals," I gripe. "This must be why the King called me in the first place; you were terrible at navigation! It's a miracle you graduated- oh wait, that was because of me helping you with the final tracking assignment!"
"Saint, can't we let bygones be bygones? Surely, we've changed since then."
"You're still a pompous bootlicker, and I'm utterly fabulous, so unless you finally know which direction is north, not that much is different. How on Earth did you get this job, anyway?"
"General Christoph impressed me with his strategic skill when riots fist began in the cities; he squelched opposition effortlessly and with minimal damage to civilians and infrastructure. We had dinner soon after, and I decided he was the best man for the job."
"Grift recognizes grift, I suppose," I mutter. I wish to continue thinking of ways to mangle these mongrels for taking pride in their crimes, but I'm distracted by two of the boxes being loaded on the ship. One is labeled 'explosives', while the other reads 'muskets.'
"Absolutely not," I growl with shock and displeasure. "How could you bring such dangerous, untested weaponry on this ship? This voyage is already risky enough!"
"Fear not, Sir Orenson," a craggly, seasoned voice attempting to sound melodious screeches from the ship. Suddenly, I feel a need to guard my buttocks and grab a rosary as the voice's owner comes into view: Cardinal Percival Scarlett.
"Surely, a trip blessed by the almighty will not face any such troubles, especially with such an experienced sailor on our crew such as yourself."
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"This is the first time I've captained a ship in years, Cardinal, so don't put too much faith in me."
"Oh, it is not my faith in you, dear child," the Cardinal leans in creepily to retort, "but the Lord who works through you."
His breath smells like stale bread so I lean away as best I can, and nod pleasantly to avoid arguing over why the lord couldn't just work through one of the soldiers to captain the ship instead of me.
"Take the death machines if you like, but I refuse to use them. Now, is this everyone or is there more insanity awaiting us?"
"There are two more joining us," confirms the king, "but I and the Cardinal will board while you wait for them."
The king and the bishop turn and leave for the boat while the rook and knight share words. It's a shame I'm more of a parcheesi guy.
"I knew you were slimy, Gene, but this is a new low. How dare you take his offer?! You were always selfish, but you never wanted to harm people."
"I did what was best for the Kingdom, and I have never harmed a soul. We always used different methods for our gains, Ozzy, one from within and the other from behind, but you are just as self-serving as me. At least I'm doing something noble and trying to stop our home from crumbling."
"Noble? Your boss has my mother in chains, Christoph. Did you pick her up? Did you see what they might've done to her?"
He appears shocked when I tell him about my mother, but he quickly restores a stony front.
"She's safe, you have my word."
"Your word is meaningless to me, you son of a-"
"Father says not to use such language."
Why the hell do people like cutting me off so much today?! I can't even curse my old enemy out without a kid interrupti- wait, a kid?!
"Sir Orenson, allow me to introduce you to the Princess Lina Quist," says Gene with a bow to the little girl. "She and her nanny will be joining us on the voyage. She wants to see some of the exciting plants and animals we find."
I flash a kind smile to the girl, but I'm dumbfounded; how idiotic must one be to allow a child no older than 9 to attend this journey? No minor should see the things that happen on a ship, be they violent, viral, or venereal... which usually connects with the first two.
"It is a pleasure to meet you, Lady Quist," I say with a grin. She seems apprehensive, so I spot a small plush in her hands and attempt to make conversation, hoping that Lina is more sane than most of the adults that will be joining the trip (Plus, it can't hurt having the King's daughter on your side, right?). "Is that some type of bird in your hands? An owl, perhaps?"
Her face immediately brightens.
"Yes! It's a barn owl, one of my favorite birds, and the only bird plush I have! I didn't want to bring my wolf or lion because I thought they'd get seasick. I hope the islands have plenty of pretty birds!"
"I'm sure they will," rings a smooth, chipper, truly melodious voice. Lina's nanny now joins us, and she suddenly makes me wish I had children. Actually, that's a bit far, but she's ravishing, nonetheless. Auburn hair that bounces at her shoulders. Blazing blue eyes that match the waves a few feet away. A smile, sweet god, a smile with teeth like diamonds leaves me immobilized. She must notice my stupor, as she turns to me uneasily and extends her hand.
"Natalia Ziri, Royal Nanny. I hope it's not a problem we're attending; we promise to be extra helpful, right Lina?"
Lina nods but I couldn't care less at the moment, and not just because any 9-year-old that claims to be helpful has to be lying. I shake Natalia's hand and laugh like a giddy schoolboy.
"No problem at all! The more the merrier, in my book!"
Gene scoffs and motions to the boat.
"You should board and prepare for the trip. It will be quite the arduous journey."
"Mr. Christoph, do you think Father will finally have time to look at animals with me?" asks Lina. Gene looks down for a moment, and shakes his head 'no.'
"He... He's very busy with the expedition, Lina, but I'm sure me, Natalia, or Mr. Orenson would love to talk with you about them."
"Alright..." responds Lina in a tone that could make the most brutal warrior melt. Natalia and Lina leave and board the ship, but my stupor remains until Gene snaps his fingers across my nose.
"As I said, just as selfish as me."
"Oh, I don't think so, Christoph," I sharply counter. "I have no real power here. I'm just an overpaid tracker here against his will, but you are his military commander. You should've never allowed them to come, especially with the red wizard on board. You really want to risk leaving her alone with him? Don't think I didn't notice you skipping over his name with the animal thing."
"...Whatever allegations the Cardinal has had in the past is beside the point and beyond my area of control, I'm afraid. The King didn't want to leave her at the castle with all of the civil unrest lately, and he was resolute in his choice."
"But the King barely talks to her. What kind of single father does that?"
"How did you-"
"It's a little girl tagging along on a military excursion to spend time with her dad while under the care of a full-time nanny, I can connect the dots. Either way, there are dozens of problems with this mission, and you know it, so what will you do about it?"
Suddenly, Gene steps forward and nearly snaps.
"My JOB, Saint, just as you will do yours. There is no need to concern ourselves with these things because we are tasked solely with ensuring the crew's safety to and from the islands, not gossip about the royal caste."
"And if there are no islands, hmm? What then?"
Gene falls silent, unsure how to respond. Instead, he just turns to the ship and walks away. With nothing left to be said, I follow. As I reach the deck, the 20-man crew is gathered along with the King and the Cardinal. Natalia and Lina are further in the back playing with wooden figures of forest beasts.
"So," the king calls, "what do you think of the ship? Are we ready?"
I walk toward the center of the deck, traipsing to the left and skipping to the right as if to test the floorboards. Gene and the soldiers roll their eyes, but Natalia and Lina chuckle so I consider that a win. I walk up to the captain's wheel to test the maneuverability, then tug the sails' ropes to ensure they're tightened. I click my tongue disapprovingly and turn to the King with a smirk.
"Well, folks, I'm sorry to tell you this, but with the condition of the ship and the direction of the winds... we can leave immediately. Have mercy on us all."
The crew cheers and begins launching the ship as the Cardinal starts some sort of ancient blessing over the journey, and as I stare at Gene giving orders he barely understands, it hits me: This would be far stranger than I could imagine. Connor better have packed the good liquor.