Recording: Circa 4766
Dr. Danark Kerwinski
Scientist, Retrovist, Adventurist
I’m Dr. Danark Kerwinski, and I have three words for you: The Big Bang.
Well, technically it’s the two-and-a-half, but you get my point. Or, you don’t? Well, if you don’t, then I’m going to have to explain it to you, and that’s what I do, as a scientist-cum-retrovist. I incentivise people who look out for the past, who don’t try to tear it down, and most importantly, people who worship and protect it. These are the people we want to keep around, not those idiots who watch what is a new kind of sport on the galactic screens.
Over a millennium ago, planet Earth died. That was The Big Bang. Or Next Big Bang. Or Second Big Bang. One of those alternatives. I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to sound grim or sound a little too over-the-top, but I reckon that if I started with the boring stuff, get it out of the way then we can leave some good stuff for later. Hooray?...!
Anyway, as I was saying, planet Earth died, which I have now said twice. See, Earth was a fantastic planet, but like how atmosphere, human nature and circumstances change, things change along with it. More like out with new, in with the old! Oh wait, I’ve got that wrong haven’t I?
Earth was a semi-good planet until the erosion and the corrosion and the toxicity of vile bad-habited people that disabled any life forms from ever taking place on there ever again. Thank goodness, we discovered interstellar travel. The bad news? Humankind survived.
See, I’m not in favour of our kind disappearing so fast, but something’s got to win in the evolution of change, right? You don’t see squirrels with handbags filled with acorns trying to dodge a large chunk of debri in the cockpit of a ship, would you? Squirrels died along with Earth in case you were trying to guess. In fact, most other life forms other than humans died along with Earth. That’s the bad news, of course. I’m sorry, I should’ve treated you like a fully-formed adult and here I am, just babbling away like you’re a fifteen-year-old infant.
Anyway, this is the second time I’ve used the word, humankind has found another way to live. We’ve desecrated other planets, found ourselves a little spot in the galaxy, far away from most other floating rocks, and established our own empire. Again. We’ve rebuilt, again. But, as always, like that really, really old song from almost three millenniums ago, everybody wants to rule the world. And those that did that couldn’t quite handle everybody else, well, they simply left. Honestly, I would’ve done the same if I was them. Why would you stay cooped up in a place you hate?! Wishing, wanting, waiting for the opportune moment to rise up and take action? You can leave! You can do just that!
Of course, new leaders ventured everywhere like, as said from millenniums ago, bees searching for nectar in the galaxy. And when that happened, new leaders settled on new planets, established sectors and regions and respectfully deemed themselves a rightful king. Although, as we are still human at the core of it all, we know how to shake hands and strike a fruitful deal. And so, we elected leaders, who became kings, who became true to one another in a sea of stars that hopefully, one wouldn’t crash a corvette into the other’s trading post so as to exact revenge. This wasn’t a joke, this really happened, in case you didn’t know.
And so-- hang on, I’m losing some signal here. Some people are trying to buy some of my books, so I’ve got to leave my documentation for now. In fact, if you would like to read about my book, The Collective Arguments of Leaders: Dead and Deader, then you should pick it up right now! It’s available in all formats: flat screens, giant screens, your old and new gizmos, all of that fun stuff!
Just try not to get yourselves killed.
Catch ya’ later, peeps.
Recording: Circa 4767
Dr. Danark Kerwinski
Scientist, Retrovist, Adventurist
[REDACTED]
Recording: Circa 4768
Dr. Danark Kerwinski
Scientist, Retrovist, Adventurist
[MUFFLED]
...This Elvis, really likes kicking up a bunch of dust don’t he?...
[MUFFLED]
...You kids!... Get off… lawn!
Recording: Circa 4771
Dr. Danark Kerwinski
Scientist, Retrovist, Budding Gemologist
I’m Dr. Danark Kerwinski, and I have three words for you: I’m the wanderer. Actually, it sort of goes on and on: they call me the wanderer, yeah the wanderer. Oh, it’s getting embarrassing.
After all, it’s a song from three millenniums ago. No, different song, not everybody ruling the world this time. It’s just the wanderer, and I love it.
Anyway, this year had been rather hard to be both a scientist and a retrovist. I’ve tried telling people to respect our culture, about not trying to cancel each other out because of topics they don’t agree. You know what they did? They spat on me! With their saliva! Disgusting, putried saliva! I was both appalled and repelled by the fact that people would rather spit than swallow their disagreements!
But, this year, I’ve decided to reduce the time of listening to old music and watching useless telly and really, really go in hard on being a gemologist. I mean, really, there’s just been a buttload of people who are going cloud cuckoo over this kind of stuff! Of course, gems have become rather a source of income for some people, and in fact, it had even become popular for batterium celebrities to endorse! Though, batterium celebrities are rather bad at playing their own sport, that’s why they have to resort to making money elsewhere. It’s kind of funny, how after our kind had split up time and time again over distinct differences, we can still gather around to watch a bunch of people playing sports in which they might die in. I guess somethings don’t get old, do they?
Oh, right, you don’t know what’s batterium. Honestly, I don’t know what to tell ya! I myself don’t even bother with that sport, or if it even is a sport, in which I don’t consider it being one but labelled it one, which is confusing I know. All I know is that it’s a team game, played with four players on each team, and there’s two teams, and there’s what seems to be a spiked ball or something, and they try to score it with their big hunk-a-chunk bots like metallic disasters. This is why there’s inflation on metal resources! Idiots playing stupid games where the winners are companies who outsource miners to go and fetch them more metal!
Anbyway, I’ve gone off topic again. Where was I? Gems, oh yeah. Gems, as you see, have become somewhat of a household commodity. People know them. The old granny that lives across me in her little tiny space shuttle down the port? She knows it. She don’t own one, she’s not that bothered or rich, but she knows it. The young batterium player with their family down the other street? They probably own one, who knows, but you bet your fat dollar cheques that they will know it too! And maybe… that’s the problem!
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These gems, they are just so darn exquisite! You know what I think is gonna’ happen? They’re going to get stolen. And then, people are going to start auctioning off for them, and then? People are going to get rich! There would be no darn economy in space! Everybody who owns one of these will be rich now and be poor a few decades later! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
But, either way, I’m just probably a little, as the kids call it these days, salty over it. After all, I’m a curator of one of these ‘bad boys’, and I can’t wait until it charms the skirts off of the ladies down in the midnight bar!
I’m sorry if I haven’t got much to say. It’s just that these gems are getting everybody sent to cloud cuckoo land!
This is Dr. Danark Kerwinski, singing out like a bad boy.
Recording: Circa 4778
Dr. Danark Kerwinski
Escapist
Shit. Shit, shit, shit! Shit.
I’m on the run, but I’m still Dr. Danark Kerwinski, except no longer geologist or scientist or even retrovist. I’m nothing, but the truth of the matter is this: I’ve got a bounty on my head. I’m a dead man walking, like klaxon going off as soon as I hit in the radar of a hunter. I’m a dead man walking.
No, no no, I’ve not run into debt. I’m a scientist and a retrovist! People want my advice all the time! Why would I have a scourge of debt to run into? In fact, it’s the opposite. My readers have all gotten the conceited idea that there are now people who roam the galaxy calling themselves as nothing more than ‘hunters’, who would hunt down bounties set by real people so that they can make a, excuse my pun, killing. Of course, I’m not that stupid to lie back in my little space abode where the old granny from down the street still stay. I’ve been long gone from that spot, and no hunter in the galaxy can catch me.
I think. But listen, there’s these bunch of pricks from earlier who’ve been knocking down doors and trying to steal my shit. These people? Well, they can galaxy-ridden kill themselves! I’m not going to let them just take away my prized possession of a little truth gem that can allow a victim to just speak! Why would I? In fact, I think I have it right here.
[FUMBLING NOISE]
Shit.
[MORE FUMBLING]
I swear, it was just right here…
[FUMBLING]
Oh, shit! It’s the galaxy-ridden dude! The dude from earlier! Oh my galaxy-ridden-- I’m so screwed!
[CRACKS AND SMACKS INTO METAL]
Ouch!
Recording: Circa 4788
Dr. Danark Kerwinski
Escapist
Shit. Shit, shit, shit! Shit.
I’m on the run, but I’m still Dr. Danark Kerwinski, except no longer geologist or scientist or even retrovist. I’m nothing, but the truth of the matter is this: I’ve got a bounty on my head. I’m a dead man walking, like klaxon going off as soon as I hit in the radar of a hunter. I’m a dead man walking.
No, no no, I’ve not run into debt. I’m a scientist and a retrovist! People want my advice all the time! Why would I have a scourge of debt to run into? In fact, it’s the opposite. My readers have all gotten the conceited idea that there are now people who roam the galaxy calling themselves as nothing more than ‘hunters’, who would hunt down bounties set by real people so that they can make a, excuse my pun, killing. Of course, I’m not that stupid to lie back in my little space abode where the old granny from down the street still stay. I’ve been long gone from that spot, and no hunter in the galaxy can catch me.
I think. But listen, there’s these bunch of pricks from earlier who’ve been knocking down doors and trying to steal my shit. These people? Well, they can galaxy-ridden kill themselves! I’m not going to let them just take away my prized possession of a little truth gem that can allow a victim to just speak! Why would I? In fact, I think I have it right here.
[FUMBLING NOISE]
Shit.
[MORE FUMBLING]
I swear, it was just right here…
[FUMBLING]
Oh, shit! It’s the galaxy-ridden dude! The dude from earlier! Oh my galaxy-ridden-- I’m so screwed!
[CRACKS AND SMACKS INTO METAL]
Ouch!
Captured Recording: Circa 4790
[RUSHING FOOTSTEPS]
Woman: Dr. Kerwinski! I am L What would you like to say for yourself after almost getting caught by a bounty hunter and a treasure seeker?
[HURRIED FOOTSTEPS, TUGGING OF SLEEVES]
Man: Sorry, no interviews.
Woman: I’m just going to ask him about the thoughts that he made from years ago.
Man: Sorry, no comments.
Woman: I deserve to go in there and ask him for a comment. You would deny me? I’m a high--
[MUFFLED]
[REDACTED]
[SHUTTLE DOORS OPEN AND CLOSES]
Woman: You’re a galaxy-ridden prick!
[WOMAN BEING HELD BACK]
Man: I’m sorry, I’m just doing my job.
Woman: All you galactic forces are just pricks. Pricks!
[TAPE ENDS EARLY]
Recording: Circa 4796
Official Prison Statement: Dr. Kerwinski
[CROWD NOISE]
[FOOTSTEPS]
[CROWD STANDS]
Man: This is the official statement for Dr. Danark Kerwinski. He is hereby sentenced for up to ten years for illegal use of the drugs Xyuke and Siemase, and will be held at the proper establishments that the Police Enforcers of the Galaxy--
Dr. Kerwinski: --Also known disrespectfully as PEG--
Man: --That the Police Enforcers of the Galaxy has set up for him. As for being a well-renowned scientist with years of dedicated research, Dr. Kerwinski’s work will be carried on by other galaxy branches with information sharing official as of today.
Dr. Kerwinski: You know you can’t galaxy-ridden do that. That’s my research!
Man: Dr. Kerwinski will now be taken away from the stand.
[MUFFLED]
Dr. Kerwinski: It’s all the… with you folks. You all… you deserve this?... You don’t!
[MUFFLED]
Dr. Kerwinski: The space… is just a stage.
[MUFFLED]
Dr. Kerwinski: The detriment is that we’re all… living in it!
[HURRIED FOOTSTEPS, ZAPPING CUFFS IN PLACE]
Man: Take him away.
[FOOTSTEPS DOWN FLIGHT OF STEPS]
[MUFFLED]
Man #2: Sir, we’ve got a problem.
Man: What’s the problem?
[MUFFLED]
Man: On Tetoid?... Roolboar?...
[MUFFLED]
[TAPE SNAPS]
Recording: Circa 4804
PEG Prison
[OLD RECORD PLAYER STARTS TO PLAY]
Oh well, I'm the type of guy who will never settle down.
Where pretty girls are, well you know that I'm around.
[BACKGROUND: FOOTSTEPS]
Woman: You Dr. Kerwinski?
I kiss 'em and I love 'em cause to me they're all the same.
I hug 'em and I squeeze 'em; they don't even know my name.
They call me--
Man: They call me the wanderer…
[WEAPON UNSHEATHES]
Woman: Consider this a service for you.
Man: I roam around, around, around…
[BOLT FIRES]
[BODY THUDS ON HARD CONCRETE GROUND]
[KLAXON RINGS]
[HURRIED FOOTSTEPS]
Man: Oh, shit. Someone call for backup!
[FOOTSTEPS LEAVING]
And when she asks me which one I love the best.
I tear open my shirt and I show her "Rosie" on my chest.
[TAPE CLICKS SHUT]