Rgrarshok claimed that the comms unit on the bridge could call just about anywhere. Oscar was about to put that to the test.

The screen lit up, showing a man wearing a pleasant and very artificial smile. "Galactic Fruit Exports, this is Kevin. How may I direct your call?"

"Operator confirmation code Zero Two Niner Seven Six," replied Oscar. "Project code JADE CLERIC."

The other man's plastic smile slipped a little bit, and he vanished to be replaced with a black screen. After a minute, an older woman's voice spoke in a flinty, no-nonsense tone, but the screen remained blank.

"We cannot trace your location. Where are you calling from?"

"Hey, Janice, it's been a while."

The woman's voice betrayed her surprise. "Oscar? What the hell, I didn't know you were working again..."

"Get him on the line. I don't care if he's in the middle of a dump. Tell him that Charlie's gone and danced the Foxtrot. He'll want to talk to me."

There was a moment of silence, and then the screen lit up again to show Martin's office. It was beige and boring, just the way the chief spook liked it. He leaned closer to the screen and tried to peer around Oscar, who knew there was nothing visible behind the human but a big gray wall.

"Where the fuck are you?"

"Nice to see you too, boss."

"Are you in a secure location? How the hell did you get off of their ship?" A look of dawning horror crossed Martin's features as he started to figure out what that wall was. "What is that you're sitting in front of?"

"Not what. Who. Martin, this is the Captain. Captain, Martin."

Rgarshok brought her head down into view while Oscar leaned over to make room for her massive noggin.

"[Greetings, [Martin]. I assume you do not have any official title.]"

Oscar had to give Martin credit; the little bastard only blinked for a few moments before replying.

"Okay, let's everyone keep calm here."

Oscar grinned. "We're calm. I'm calm. Are you calm, Captain?"

"[Exceedingly.]"

"See, boss? We're all calm."

Martin rubbed an eyebrow. "Oscar, what is going on?"

"What's going on is that you and I got played like fuckin' fiddles."

Martin stared for a moment at Oscar, than slumped. His gaze shifted to the Captain.

"You let me discover that intrusion, didn't you?"

She nodded.

"All right. What do you want?"

"[I'm letting you know that [Oscar] is staying on board the Claw indefinitely.]"

Martin gave a single bitter laugh. "Sure, as a hostage. Are you looking for leverage?"

Rgrarshok's eyes narrowed. "[I am insulted that you think we would mistreat a fellow sapient. Besides, [Oscar] has proved himself a worthy addition to my crew and we are proud to have him. No, I merely wish you and I to come to a mutual...understanding. Myself and my crew will not report [Oscar's] true mission to anyone. In exchange you will release him from this and any future obligation.]"

"That's it?"

"[That's it.]"

"I'll throw in a bonus," said Oscar. "I succeeded in my mission. Take the deal and I'll tell you the answer you were looking for."

Martin stared at him for a moment with a deadpan expression. Oscar knew he was looking for any tell or signal that his agent was under duress. "You want this, Oscar?"

"I do."

"All right, Captain. We have an understanding, as you put it."

"[Excellent. I should add that we'll be keeping a close eye on [Oscar's] family back on Earth. Our newest denmate is so very worried about them, you see.]"

Martin's jaw tightened. "That sounds like Oscar. He's a worrier."

"[I'm glad you understand. Of course, if we were to hear of any problems involving his kin then we'd have no choice but to pay a visit to Earth. And what with all the excitement of that visit, certain secret missions might be mentioned by accident to certain parties in the Senate...you know how these little glitches can happen.]"

One could almost hear the gritting of Martin's teeth through the screen. "Yes, I certainly do know."

"[Excellent. Well, it was a pleasure to meet you. I'll leave you two alone so that [Oscar] can make his report.]"

She picked Oscar up off of her lap then set him down on his feet before loping off of the bridge.

He smiled and shrugged at Martin's stormy expression. "Come on, man. They made me so bad it wasn't even funny. I'm in the middle of a bunch of giant aliens who can literally smell when I'm lying. There was no choice but to roll over and show my belly, as they would put it."

"Just make your report. What did you find out?"

"It's simple, so simple that I looked right past it for the longest time. Two word summary, we're cute."

"What?"

"Did I stutter? Humans are adorable, precious, darling as all hell. That's why the aliens like having us around."

Martin slumped further and stared unseeing at the surface of his desk. "All of them think like that? Not just the Dorarizin?"

"The Karnakians as well. They fussed over me like a hatchling with me none the wiser. I don't have any first-hand experience with any Jornissians, but from what the Captain said they find us cute too. Nice and warm."

"Aw, fuck. How am I...this is a political nightmare. We're having a hard enough time as it is keeping people motivated."

Oscar shrugged. "That's why they don't tell us. Hey, in the grand scheme of things it could be a hell of a lot worse."

Martin rested his forehead in one hand. "Oh sure. Just one more way they can infantilize us."

"There's no nefarious scheme on the xenos' part, Martin. It's just one of those things. It's a funny old universe, isn't it?"

"How can you be so accepting?" snapped Martin. "What the hell am I supposed to do with this info? I can't tell anyone about this! We were hoping for some kind of mental advantage, or some unique physical trait. Instead we're just a bunch of...of space-kittens!"

"Eh, you'll figure something out. You can still use it for leverage, just not in a way you're used to."

Martin peered out of the screen at him. "Easy for you to say. You're gonna be off playing detective."

"Not playing. I'm a full-fledged crewmember now, and the Captain doesn't hand that out on a whim."

The smaller man snorted. "Or they want you to think that. Sooner or later you're gonna get tired of being treated like a little kid."

"It's not like that. Sure, I'm no longer the biggest badass around, but coming out into space reminded me that I can still be useful in other ways. In a weird way I'm grateful that you made me burn down my bar. Now please give Henry my warmest regards, have a very nice life, and fuck the fuck off forever."

He clicked the screen off before Martin could retort. Oscar looked around. There was nobody else on the bridge; the coast was clear. He seated himself with great dignity in the only human chair on the bridge, then slouched manfully to one side. The red-swirled gas giant outside filled the screen, with the smaller marble of Pak'tahl floating in front of it.

It was a gorgeous view, and very appropriate for what he had in mind.

Oscar began to intone. "Space. The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship...Enterprise. Its five year mission, to explore..."

Myyreh poked her head through the bridge door. "[By the Pale Moon, are you doing [Kirk] again? Get your tail back in here! You're missing the party!]"

----------------------------------------

He awoke with a head that was surprisingly free of pain from all the drinking. As usual, he also awoke swaddled in a furry embrace. Although he had a merely human nose, Oscar had gotten pretty good at picking out individual scents. This didn't smell like Ngralh, or Bgrarh...wait a minute.

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

The human looked up at Myyreh's sleeping, peaceful face. She stirred and blinked as he moved, then looked down upon him with a gentle smile.

"[Good morning.]"

"Is it morning?" He looked around the lounge, which had several piles of dozing crewmates.

"[I think it's morning. So, ah, did you have a chance to think over my little proposition?]"

"I did, and I've made my decision."

"[Oh?]"

Oscar reached up and gently grasped one of her big ears, then rubbed it between thumb and forefinger.

The huge alien stiffened and gave a tiny squeak that was way too high-pitched to have come from somebody her size. Myyreh proceeded to melt into a furry puddle. She let forth a dolphin-like stream of constant clicks as Oscar brought up his other hand and went in for the double-ear-rub.

She bent her head down to lick and nibble at his neck. The feel of her teeth prickling against his vulnerable flesh but never quite breaking the skin made him squirm with nervous anticipation.

He looked around and saw a few amused eyes peering at them from the other cuddle-piles.

"I think we need some privacy for this," he murmured.

"[I agree,]" she whispered in his ear. "[I have just the place in mind.]"

----------------------------------------

"It figures you'd pick the gym."

"[Nobody will be in here for a while, not after that party. Plus I can make the floor nice and soft. Hang on a moment and I'll get it all set it up...]"

A few muted beeps sounded out from pressed controls, followed by the soft padding of large paws to the room's center.

"[Please come on out here, [Oscar]."

There was more padding, this time of smaller feet.

"Just, ah, go easy on me okay?"

"[Are you nervous?]"

"Oh hell yes. I trust you, but you are kind of intimidating."

"[Even if I lie down like this? Now I don't look so threatening, do I?]"

"You look...amazing. You sure got the bedroom eyes down pat."

There was the patting of a paw against the mat-like surface. "[Come right here.]"

The smaller feet padded nearer. A human throat was cleared.

"Soooo...how about a kiss?"

"[I thought you'd never ask.]"

There was a long mutual hesitation.

"Er, how should we do this? Our faces don't line up like I'm used to."

"[I'm not sure either.]"

"Well, how do Dorarizin kiss?"

"[We both open our muzzles and...here, I'll show you. Don't move.]"

"Shit that's alottateeeethulmmmnnn!"

There was no speaking for a while, only wet sounds and muffled human mumbling that rapidly turned from complaining to passionate. Those sounds were in counterpoint to the equally muffled and lustful basso growling from a turned-on Dorarizin.

The gym resounded with the wet slurp of two mouths breaking apart.

"[You liked that?]"

"Hooo boy...you are one hell of a woman."

"[I'll take that as a 'yes'.]"

"Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good."

"[Only 'pretty good'? This will make you feel even better.]"

There was a rustling as a female's uniform was removed with inhuman speed.

There was a long pause.

"Holy shit."

"[Oh. I hope my body looks pleasing.]"

"You're gorgeous! You've got muscles on your muscles. What is that, a twelve-pack? I gotta feel that...huh, this is softer than I expected."

"[Oooohhh...}

"Oh, so that's where your mammaries are. Does that feel good?"

"[Grrrahhyesss...]"

"Would you mind rolling onto your back?"

"[Just don't stop touching me there...]"

"I won't, I just want get a peek down at...oh, yeah."

"[It's...hhhrrr...it's not too different, is it?]"

"No, looks like another win for convergent evolution. Hey, I wanna try something. Trust me, this will feel even better."

"[But I want to see you naked. I want to pleasure you too.]"

"Ladies first. Now it's your turn to hold still, and don't squeeze your thighs."

"[What does that mean? OH!...you little...ooohhhh!...]"

There was the dull scraping noise of claws digging into the deck, along with an alien voice devolving from words into happy growling. There was no commentary from the human, as his mouth was occupied.

After a while, there was a shout of "[Hhhhraaaaah!]" followed by pleased panting.

"I hope you found that to your likingeeep. Uh, Myra? Put me down? Please?"

The alien panting was not subsiding, if anything it was becoming even more lustful. "[If you're not going to get yourself naked, I'll just have to do it for you!]"

"Whoathereeasywiththeclaws!"

There was more rustling...well, tearing, as another uniform was removed with a few precise swipes.

Another long pause, followed by a Dorarizin's giggle.

"Hey, now! That's just the size it is, okay?"

"[It's not that, it's your proportions. Our men are bigger than you but not as...sizable as compared to their body. You look like a fertility idol. Are all {Humans] like you?]"

"I guess so? I never did any detailed comparisons....Ohhhh, wow, your paws are softer than I expected..."

"[Hmm, this is also lot smoother than those of our males. But I think I can work with this. It feels like you're ready as well."

"Mmmm...mmmmaybe I should be on top, just to be safe..."

"[No, for a Dorarizin couple's first time it's a tradition that the woman is on top.]"

"Really?"

"[Well, it's sort of a tradition. Pleeeaase?]"

"You're gettin' way too good at at that puppy-eye look. All right, just watch the pelvisoooof."

There was a thump as a smaller body was placed with haste onto the floor, followed by an anticipatory growl.

"[I bet you'll make the cutest noises when I ride you, my cheeky little [monkey].]"

Some rustling ensued, followed by a mutual wordless shout as two bodies joined.

"And...ooh...and what if I don't?"

"[Then I'm...unf...going to ride you until you do.]"

----------------------------------------

One thing that never changed about policing was its obnoxious amounts of paperwork. Even when Oscar was surrounded with alien tech advanced by several thousand years over the human norm, he still had to sit and grind through form after form. The only saving grace was that it was all electronic instead of physical, probably out of necessity. Trying to store all of this crap on paper would run the risk of creating a black hole.

At least he had a nice view while he worked. The bridge was quiet once more after all of the fuss and bother of going back into warp, and he and the captain were the only ones left.

He sighed and looked over at Rgarshok, who was crouched at her workstation in the middle of her own endless form-filling. "What should I put for throwing that stun baton? Does that count as a weapon discharge?"

The captain flicked one ear in thought. "[Deployment of a less-lethal weapon in the line of duty, Form 476-Y8-B12."

Oscar tapped in the code and groaned at seeing the quite detailed form that now occupied the screen of his terminal. "It's a good thing Emma didn't make that Beretta for me. I'd hate to see the paperwork I'd have to wade through if I'd fired that."

He shifted a bit in his chair and groaned again, this time from pains due to his recent 'exertions'. His hips and legs in particular felt like he'd swum ten miles.

The captain snorted a laugh. "[So how are you feeling, Investigator? You don't seem too injured. Myyreh must have gone easy on you.]"

"Ah. Yeah, I'm good. I forgot to ask...is that okay? Myra and me, I mean."

"[We are much more a family-pack rather than a work-pack. You're both consenting adults, so there's no violation of regulations.]"

"Good. I should have checked with you first, but Myra was, um... And to be fair, I was also... Well, we both were, you know?"

The captain chuckled. "[Oh, I know.]"

There was a companionable silence while Oscar finished filling out the form and clicked it closed forever. Until the next case, of course. Oscar was pleased to feel a familiar mental itch from long ago, one which occurred when he was between cases and jonesing for a new one.

"So what's next? Tracking more of the Green pipeline?"

"[Not right now. We've taken care of one of the smugglers' main interfaces between [Karnakian] and Dorarizin space, so now we wait for the law enforcement of each species to keep rolling it up within their own jurisdictions. We'll only get involved if there's another gray area like [Pak'tahl].]"

"That's good. I'd rather not deal with Karnakians again....oh shit. I don't like the way you're grinning."

"[Be careful of what you say, Investigator. The universe is always listening. Somebody high up in the Senate just contacted me in a panic. It appears a Karnakian reliquary got itself stolen.]"

"Shouldn't the Karnakians take care of that themselves?"

"[The sect which owned the reliquary is in conflict with another sect that claims it as well. There are accusations of robbery and favoritism flying back and forth, and the Senate wants an impartial group to investigate.]"

Oscar groaned and leaned his head against the back of the chair. "So not only do we have to deal with raptors again, we have to plop ourselves right into the middle of a religious debate. Fuckin' wonderful."

----------------------------------------

The nanofabricator 'dinged' softly and its lid popped open, revealing a solid white puck. Bgrarh leaned forward and inhaled. Yes, this was a very pleasing scent, much like that described in his extensive reading of [Human] texts.

Getting a sample of the real thing from [Earth] would have been very hard. The shipping costs alone would be astronomical. Bgrarh didn't mind resorting to this method, however. Synthesizing the stuff on his own was more of a challenge, and he liked a challenge.

What nobody realized, not even [Oscar], was that Bgrarh was not merely smart.

When it came to certain aspects of chemical analysis and applied nanotechnology, Brgarh was more properly described as a genius. Most of the time that genius went un-noticed thanks to his naturally retiring nature.

But one constant about geniuses is that they tend to become...obsessed. Now that Bgrarh had some downtime, a new obsession had taken full hold of him.

The Dorarizin first scoured what he could of the [Earth's] Internet to determine what the [Humans] used for ingredients. Unfortunately, many of them were compounds that naturally occurred on [Earth] but which had no Dorarizin analogue. So he'd made his own analysis to determine the most likely substitues in his laboratory's feedstocks. There were also aromatics and complex hydrocarbons to synthesize, all of which he'd done with gusto. Bgrarh eschewed any use of dyes, however, as he liked his fur's color.

His blue eyes gleamed as he reverently removed the puck of material from the nanofabricator and gave it another thorough sniff. He pinched off a bit of it in his fingers and rolled the waxy material between his paw-pads to check its consistency.

It was perfect.

Bgrarh smiled as he trotted off to find a comb and some brushes.

----------------------------------------

The Dorarizin ship Furious Claw Of Inquiry popped back into normalcy again. Somewhere the ghost of Albert Einstein took one look at the ship, shook his shaggy head, and pulled the cap off of a fresh bottle of Jack Daniels.

The wedge shape of the Claw cruised serenely on towards a distant green-and-white globe while deep inside the ship's hull there was one more inspection underway on the hangar deck.

Captain Rgrarshok-of-Ngraz stalked along an invisible line on the deck plating, giving micro-adjustments to her crew's uniforms as she did so. As always, her crew's foot-claws all just managed to touch that invisible line without going over it. But now there was a pair of small gray boots amid the much larger line of paws, and those boots hit the same invisible line with equal precision.

She smiled ever-so-slightly at Oscar and reached out to tweak his uniform as well. He gave her a responding slight grin. The captain continued on with an added spring to her step. Her good mood lasted until, of course, she came to Bgrarh-of-Arhraz at the end of the line. The captain first glanced at his head and was surprised to see no sign of his hat. Then she looked down at his face.

"{Specialist Bgrarh,}" she started, then stopped. "{What...what have you done to to your face?}"

"{My face, madame Cap-tin?}"

"{The fur. On your face. Why is it combed out on each side like that? And what is that goop?}"

"{Ah, Cap-tin, zat 'goop' is ze wax for my moustaches! I synthesized it myself! Zis is, how you say, a cultural hairstyle as allowed by regulations of both ze Empire and ze Senate.}"

The Captain's brain nearly shut down in protest at what it had to deal with. "{But..but why do you have moustaches? What in the name of the First Pack are moustaches?}"

"{Ze are a hairstyle which as a bonus also act as antennae for ze little grey cells!}" Bgrarh winked at her and tapped the side of his head.

Rgrarshok took a deep breath. "{Let's start over. Why are you talking so strange?}"

"{Zis accent is ze closest I could get to [Belgian], madame Cap-tin.}"

The captain face-palmed. "{This is a [Human] thing, isn't it? [OSCAR]! What did you do to my Specialist?}"

"[Aw, c'mon, Captain! You can't blame this on me!]"

"{You did something, you little menace! Some kind of sneaky underhanded [Human] mind-control...Bgrarh, listen to me very carefully. You. Are not. [Belgian]. You're not even the right species!}"

"{But madame Cap-tin, ze true sprit of [Belgium] resides in ze heart, not in ze body!}"

"{GAH!...}"

The Furious Claw of Inquiry cruised off towards its next assignment, while all around it the galaxy got on with the business of living.