The LitRPG department of the FBI has temporarily approved use of Emma and her associated stats and skills. I, Uiasdmnzx’Mansdjhqiuw, am working on furthering approval of the character sheet design in accordance with the LitRPG Character Stat Sheet Optimization Act. Until such actions are approved, the narrator may not access this character’s Stat Sheet. Additionally, in accordance with the conditions of the narrator’s parole, I am to ensure that the character of Emma is used promptly, regularly, and is driven towards a meaningful character arc. Failure of the narrator to comply with these limitations will result in narrative infractions and the revocation of rights to the character of Emma, the Gunslinger from Earth.
Signed
Uiasdmnzx’Mansdjhqiuw, PhD in Web Fiction Studies
Fictional Bureau of Interlocutors
***
The village at the southernmost point of the western and slightly-northerly (but not too northerly) desert is known by many names throughout Absurdia: Pointless, A Terrible Idea, Probably Fake, and an Excellent Destination for Ecotourism. Of course, the citizens of this place don’t call it any of these things, they just call it the village. And the people who live in the village call themselves the village people. The village people don’t mind visitors, and despite their homes being featured heavily inThe Sixty Seventh Edition of The Tourist’s Guide to Exploiting Traditional Absurdia there hadn’t really been an increase in the number of tourists. It was probably to do with the dragon, they imagined. Frankly, the lack of tourism had really only made Dave sad, since he had gone through the effort of reconstructing the traditional downtown for the publication. It had been quite the endeavor, and the rest of the village people had taken the time to visit and enjoy the amenities to cheer him up.
And although the village people did not realize it, Dave’s efforts were going to save their lives.
The Gunslinger mosied into A Terrible Idea, exhausted from several days of trekking through the desert the village people called their backyard. Heavy bags were under her eyes, and her clothes were dirty, even by village people standards. Her empty holster (she had made one in a bout of optimism, for when she had finally found a gun to use) bounced against her side like your little cousin who keeps bugging you to play Fortnite with him at a family dinner. Emma was done with walking for the day. Talking was definitely off the table. And listening? Don’t even try her on that. The Gunslinger walked up to the only building with an available room to rent in historic downtown at an inn called John’s (indeed, the only building in downtown), placed a gold hilant on its front desk, opened the door to her room, sat down, and fell asleep.
Emma woke up in her small, cramped, room to the smell of smoke mixed with dramatic tension and the sounds of screaming.
Emma could hear the sound of a gruff man’s voice ordering someone nearby.
“Stay over there! We’ll be leaving shortly!”
“My daughter! Give me my daughter!” another gruff man’s voice, this one crying, sounded out.
“Well, you should have thought about it when you refused to give us your rent money! Now it looks like you're paying extra.” the first gruff man said. “She’ll sell well, I think.”
“I don’t even know who you are! You’ve never even given me a lease! Please, you have to stop this. I’m begging.”
“We’ll stop when this village is gone. Now, stay over there or I’ll sell her cold instead.”
Emma could hear the sound of the first gruff man’s voice ordering someone nearby.
More screams and cries for help wafted in through the top window of Emma’s room. Her entire body was sore from sleeping in such an awkward position.
[You Have Received a New Quest: Rescue The Village People by defeating the Bandits. Reward: 200 Experience]
“God damnit.” the Gunslinger muttered to herself. She had avoided quests for years. She hated the dumb notification that took up about a quarter of her vision. She couldn’t even use her class abilities without a gun, so the experience they gave were pointless.
And I’ve done this quest way too many times. I swear. Someone is watching me and laughing.
The Gunslinger gathered herself, and thought through the information she had on hand. She recalled that she didn’t remember anything from walking into town.
Damn, if only I knew their numbers, and what they were packing. That would help.
“I’ll kill you all before that happens!” the crying gruff man said.
“How are you going to kill all thirty seven of us with your hands tied like that? Especially when we’re each carrying katanas made from the finest eco-friendly iron-copper mix in Absurdia!” the bandit boasted.
Well, that works. If only I had a gun. This would be a lot less annoying.
Channeling her sense of duty, and a need to rid her vision of the hideous quest notification, Emma kicked down the door of Historic Downtown Probably Fake with two crossbows raised, poised to kick ass.The bandit who was talking with the villager with the gruff voice turned towards her and asked.
“Someone was sleeping in that?! Why didn’t anyone-”
The first bolt went through the bandit’s head before he could finish asking the question.
[36 of 37 Bandits Remaining]
To bandits charged from behind Historic Downtown, attempting to stab Emma from behind. This worked, and was very painful.
[Health: 480/500]
Unfortunately for them, the bandits had expected her to die. Instead, Emma thrust her back into both men, and pushed them into Historic Downtown, destroying her terribly uncomfortable room at John’s. The bandits died from the sheer weight of several copies of The Sixty Seventh Edition of The Tourist’s Guide to Exploiting Traditional Absurdia and hundreds of pounds of stone, wood, and glass collapsing on their bodies.
Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
[34 of 37 Bandits Remaining]
The rest of the bandits stared at Emma, their eyes white with fear. She would be dead, if she wasn't at such a high level. And these men definitely did not know about levels.
I bet they think I’m some kind of zombie. she thought to herself. They always go for zombie.
“Holy shit is that a-”
“Alright everyone. Remain calm. We can handle whatever that is. We’ve already taken all of their magic items and gems.” one of the bandits said.
Wait, gems and magic items? I bet these fuckers have the Zune.
Thirty four bandits stared at Emma, the two katanas still sticking out of her body. They were entirely unsure of what to do now that three of their men and their leader had become acquainted with the power of incredible violence.
“That’s right, I’m a z-”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S A WOMAN! RUN!”
All thirty four bandits dropped their shittily-made mall katanas, and ran for the hills. Notifications crowded Emma’s vision like flies, as she pursued.
[0 of 37 Bandits Remaining! Congratulations, you have saved the Village People! You gained 200 Experience]
[Congratulations- ]
“Dismiss.” Emma said, as she ran towards one of the closer ones.
[Tickets available: Slightly Late Sho-]
“Dismiss.”
[Buy now: The Classics of Aldernathi Poetry only-]
“Dismiss.”
[Breaking News: Apocalypse is-]
“Dismiss.”
[Experience Absurdia’s Best Chicken and Waffles, Come Visit-]
“Save.”
[It is rude to interrupt me while I’m in the middle of-]
“Dismiss! Jesus Christ, can’t you see I’m in the middle of something?!”
Emma grunted in frustration as she leapt towards the feet of the bandit who had accused her of being a woman. She grabbed hold, pulled him to the ground, and with very bloody hands hogtied the sexist moron.
“Please, don’t eat me! I’ve heard the stories! Please! I’ll give you anything! Just don’t eat me.”
Emma watched as the rest of the bandits disappeared into the night. They ran faster than she had expected.
“Alright slick, listen here. You and your bandit buddies: how long have you been doing this?”
“If I tell you, will you not eat me?”
“Woman don’t fucking eat people, you moron.”
“Oh thank god-”
“-but we do kill.” Emma smirked, and held a crossbow up to the bandit’s back.
“Not like this! Please! I’m too young to die!”
Emma pressed further into the bandit’s back.
“OUCH!” he shouted.
“Listen to me, slick. Answer my questions, and I will let you live. Understand, slick?”
“Yes! Yes! Yes! But can I please ask you a question too?”
“When you’ve answered mine.”
The bandit thought about it for a moment, and suddenly became incredibly cordial.
“Okay, I can do that.”
“Alright slick, how long have you and your friends been robbing and stealing around this here desert?”
“About six months, give or take. Right after the rumors of the kobold attacking people by himself. We figured it was easy pickings.”
“Alright, and have any of you stolen a gemstone with the word ‘Zune’ on it?”
“I can’t read.” the bandit replied. Emma thought for a moment.
“Did y’all steal a magic gemstone that plays very realistic images of people and noises?”
“I think Frank stole something like that. Sold it for a lot of money last month.”
“Who’s Frank?”
“That guy you shot in the head.”
“Damnit. Of course.” she muttered.
“No, that’s not where it was sold! We haven’t been there in months!”
“Where’d he sell it, then, if not there?”
“Tavornac.” the bandit said.
[You Have Received a New Quest: Journey to Tavornic and Track Down The Zune™ Stolen from your Brother’s Defiled Grave by Terrible Ruffians: Reward, 20 Experience]
“God. Damnit!” The Gunslinger cussed a mighty cuss at the now active quest, permanently at the bottom of her vision. “Who designed this shit?!” she said, as she kicked up some dirt in frustration.
“Oh gosh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Can I ask you my question now?”
Emma sighed. “Sure slick, sure.”
“How’d you know my name?” Slick asked.
Emma thought for a moment over what had just occurred, and the bandit’s complete lack of knowledge about the opposite sex.
“Because, slick, women always know. Once a woman touches anyone, we know your name. We know where you live. And we know how to kill you. Doesn’t matter how far you run, how fast you run, or how many lies you tell. We. Always. Know.”
“Holy shit the stories are true!” Slick screamed in terror.
“Except for the eating part. That doesn’t happen. And don’t be afraid, we can be nice too.”
“Really? I haven’t heard that part before.”
“Yes, really. And you ain’t ever heard that part, because we’re wrathful, cruel, relentless creatures who prey on the weak like you. But I’m about to be real nice right now, Slick. I’m gonna let you live, so long as you never steal another gem, or do any sort of thieving ever again. And, you gotta pay your debt to these people. Help them rebuild what y’all destroyed. And you’ll live here for the rest of your days. Grow old. Maybe run a Tchotchke shop to sell things to tourists. That sort of thing. You understand, Slick?”
The bandit screamed in affirmative.
“Good, now go put out that fire.” Emma cut the bandit free, and he quickly ran over to the large building that was currently ablaze. The village people handed Slick a bucket, and the young lad ran down to the well for water. Emma watched on as the fire was slowly contained and extinguished. A gruff man’s voice came from behind her.
“Thank you, stranger, for saving us. And my daughter. Please, what’s your name? How can I repay you?”
Emma turned around to see a muscular man in plain clothes. The Gunslinger extended her hand to shake the man’s.
“Name’s Emma. A place to rest, some food, and some coin would be more than enough. And you are?” she smiled.
“My name’s Dave. Are you sure there’s not anything more we can do for you? Really, we owe you everything. Our lives even.” the village person asked.
“Nah. I’m good. I’ve got to leave for Tavornac in the morning.”
“Very well, please, follow me to the town’s only inn. By the way-”
“Yeah?” Emma asked.
“Did the gods send you? Because hiding in the outhouse was genius! I told people that restoring that thing for that tourist’s guide would pay off!