Ashwyn waited for Larkspur’s escorts to usher out and skitter down the large stone steps before heaving the heavy double doors shut. She felt a twinge of guilt for throwing Daana out into the cold, especially with someone as inhospitable as her mother, but there were more pressing matters at hand. An inescapable pressure swelled within her chest, clawing its way upwards and outwards, until the pressure reached her eyes. She had been betrayed many times in her life, but this was more than the usual hurt. She felt cut open and split in half with her insides spilling out, exposed and vulnerable.
Clenching her hand, Ashwyn leaned into the heavy wood of the door, fighting the urge to drive her fist through it. “Is this why you didn’t want to come?” Her voice echoed along the steeply pitched ceiling, bouncing from one wall to the next. “Because you knew Larkspur had a position here waiting for me? And instead of being upfront about it, discussing it like a grown adult, you chose to hide it from me?”
There was a soft rustle behind her. Ashwyn turned, breath bated as Ellisar dropped down in front of her. How she had gotten down from the rafters so quickly was unclear. At the very least, she was willing to do this face to face. That meant something, didn’t it? Ashwyn found herself clinging to the hope that this was all merely an oversight. Ellisar could be cruel and fickle at times, yes, but surely there was an explanation that could alleviate the pressure building behind her eyes.
As the seconds slowly ticked past and the pair stared without speaking, the hope for a simple miscommunication flickered out. Ashwyn’s hope transformed into a pit that threatened to swallow her whole. Her tongue was suddenly so unbearably dry she felt the words scrape along the roof of her mouth on their way out. “Is it true?”
When Ellisar’s eventual answer came, the only thing telling about it was the way she artfully dodged the very question itself. “I just spent the last sixty years working my ass off to free you from that dungeon. Don’t throw that away.”
“I know you sacrificed, Ellisar. I will always owe you that. But right now you owe me the truth. Is what Larkspur saying true?”
Ellisar’s jaw was locked. Ashwyn could hear the elf’s molars being ground into powder from the back of her mouth.
“Answer me!”
“I wasn’t going to let her talk you into throwing your life away for another lost cause, alright? So yeah, it’s true,” the elf said. “I told Larkspur what she wanted to hear to keep her from meddling in my affairs. I didn’t earn your freedom just to have you taken away again. I earned it so that we could spend it together. Forgive me for not wanting some power hungry maniac to get in the way of that!”
“You are my partner. A partner does not get to make unilateral decisions without consulting the other half. You know this. You agreed to this.”
Ellisar narrowed her eyes. “Just like you volunteered us to pick up all those escaped witches the night of the massacre? Or how about after your sister caught us, when you single handedly volunteered to sacrifice yourself to the realm so that Larkspur could run free? Funny how you didn’t need my input back then.”
Ashwyn held the swelling pressure at bay, trying her damndest to remain level-headed when every instinct screamed at her to fight fire with fire. The fear of what might slip out if she did was all that held her back. “That’s not fair, Ellisar. I was transparent with you on both of those issues.”
“Yeah, to tell me you were doing them! You never asked bloody permission, did you?”
Once more her wife successfully managed to reroute the conversation. “Stop changing the subject. You should have told me about Larkspur, and the war, and my supposed role in all of it.”
“I didn’t tell you because you would have considered it.”
“Of course I would have considered it!” The words that flew from her mouth caught even Ashwyn by surprise. Her anger was awakening something in her. Something that had slowly festered during those long years in confinement. As much as she tried, she could never rid herself of the resentment. For years she shoved the feelings down, trying to make do with the hope that one day it would not matter. But the resentment did not dwindle. It merely went dormant, slowly breeding resentment in the dark, unvisited corners of her mind.
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For the first time since her escape, the resentment bubbled over. “I’m allowed to have dreams too, aren’t I? Yes, you got to work your ass off, Ellisar. Don’t remind me. But I didn’t. While you were off fighting in wars and risking your life with your friends, I sat for seventy-three years in that dungeon waiting for the chance for my life to start again.”
“Unbelievable,” Ellisar said. “You’re jealous? Because I got to run myself ragged serving your sister? I’m sorry you’re the one who got left behind, but how is that my fault?”
“It’s not.”
“Then why are you bringing it up?”
“Because you act like I owe you for it!”
Ellisar blinked, taken aback, but said nothing.
That was the funny thing about buried issues. As soon as you uncovered one, the rest had an unfortunate way of clawing their way to the surface. Ashwyn couldn’t stop the words coming from her mouth had she tried. The sad part was, she didn’t want to. After years of trying, maybe it was finally time to stop. “I never asked you to save me. I told you to cut and run the moment Oralia’s back was turned.”
Hurt glimpsed Ellisar’s stoic face. It was replaced almost as quickly by rage. “I stayed because I love you!”
“I know.” Hot tears slipped from Ashwyn’s eyes unbidden. She didn’t try to stop those, either. There wasn’t any point. They both knew what was coming next. “And I love you, too. But is that enough to keep justifying this? First the massacre, and then the escape, our trial, now this. Are we just using another crisis to stall the inevitable? Could it be that it’s easier to be mad at our circumstances than it is to stop and evaluate whether or not we ever worked to begin with?”
“Don’t you fucking say it.”
“We were growing apart, Ellie. Even before all of this. There is no sense in denying it.”
“Fuck! You’re calling it now? After everything?”
“I’m not calling anything. I am telling you where I stand. Whether or not you decide this relationship is still worth it to you is for you to decide.” Ashwyn stood straighter, drawing an unsteady breath. “My place is here. It always has been. I would love nothing more than to have you by my side.”
“Ashwyn, do you even hear yourself? Larkspur is insane!”
“Others have said the same about you.”
“So that’s it then? One lousy speech about how the two of you are going to make the world a better place and you roll over like an obedient dog? Just like that? Larkspur will do to you what she does best. She will chew you up and spit you out the moment you’re no longer useful to her. Is that what you want?”
“Now you suddenly care what I want?”
“You are playing right into her hand! This is what she does.” Ellisar made a gesture with her hands, as if gripping an invisible object and ripping it to shreds. “She takes good things, things that are whole, full of promise, and she dismantles them piece by piece, until there’s nothing worth keeping. And then she throws them away, because that’s all people are to her–disposable trash.”
Ellisar’s animated hands uncurled and fell uselessly to her sides. “She broke me, Ashwyn. Just as she is going to do to you.”
For years Ashwyn had tried to pry behind those stubborn golden eyes, to glimpse the inner workings, to learn what had happened to render Ellisar so mangled beyond repair. For the first time, Ashwyn was starting to see the hairline cracks. Had she persisted, she may have been able to break the very wall down itself. But that required the willpower to do so. And, after fighting an unwinnable battle for so long, she found herself not lacking the power, but the will itself.
Hardness settled in Ellisar’s golden eyes at the realization that her sudden bout of openness was too little too late. “I’m not going stand by and watch her turn you into an empty shell of a person.”
Ashwyn had unknowingly been preparing for this moment for years. It had been hard in the dungeon, sometimes going months between correspondence, all the while wondering if each letter from Ellisar would be her last. That might have been easier. At least she could have written the failings of their relationship off to circumstances outside of her control.
This hurt so much more. “Then it seems we’ve reached an impasse.”
“I’m not coming back. Not this time. If this is really what you want, then you’d better be damned sure.”
How could anyone be sure of anything? The only certainty Ashwyn felt was the suffocating tightness that coiled around the base of her throat. Filling her lungs to capacity felt impossible. Her breathing grew short, springing forth in small, short gasps as a second burst of tears welled within her eyes. “I’m sorry, Ellisar. I think this might be goodbye.”
She looked like she wanted to kill something. Ellisar’s eyes were wide and gleaming with murderous intent. Her upper lip curled back but whatever vile words danced across her tongue died there. A half second later, she turned swiftly on her heel and strode back across the gathering hall, wrenched the side door open, and slipped soundlessly away.
The urge to call out, to race after her, to gather the stupid elf in her arms and demand she come to her senses, all of it pulled at Ashwyn. But she remained still. Watching, with tears streaming down her face, as the love of her life disappeared into the night, stealing her heart one final time.