You know what I love about a bookstore, it's every people inside of it is looking for something. They're not just glancing, or admiring something like what other people normally do when they're in a mall. They're looking for a book to buy that express and define what they feel. There might be people who went here because someone told them to but, there's a lot of them and then, there are these people like me- A person who went into that place to have something to buy that links to what they feel at the moment. I think, it's time for me to tell the truth, which is- I do not know what book to buy at this moment. I'm just walking around from shelf to shelf like a moron. I went into the classics, nothing that I liked and when I saw a book that somehow caught my attention, it's six-hundred-fucking-pesos which is double the price of my dough right now. I only have three-hundred-pesos, no more and no less, just that. I went into the modern-fictions, and I did not see something that I like. I'm just walking around circles now, which is depressing because, I'm starting to get sweaty, and that only means I'm panicking. Oh boy! I am such a fool. I am already panicking just because I can't find a book. I walked for almost five-kilometer under the blazing sun to buy a book, and now, I don't fucking know what fucking book to fucking buy! I'm such an idiot! I can't believe it. I should have decided what book to buy before I left the house.

It's just... I wasn't thinking straight when I left the house. It's embarrassing. I'm getting tired of thinking what book to get so, I just grabbed the first entry of the Percy Jackson and went into the cashier to pay for it. It's still quite embarrassing when I went into the cashier, all sweaty and hands shaking a little bit. The cashier-lady in front of me looked at me with confusion, mixed with a hint of pity. She looked at me with her concerned eyes so, I looked at her in the eyes and smiled at her- although, I felt a bit of sting on my lips when I smiled. She finally moved her gaze and did her job. After I gave her the payment, she gave me the book, wrapped in a brown paper bag, and then we exchange smiles, and then I left. This is what I hate about having this sickness inside my head, it's destroying me. I over-think every single thing which is now a serious issue for me now.

Now that I'm trembling and all, I decided to go into the food court myself. I went into the elevator because my legs felt so weak after what happened in the bookstore. I stepped inside, smiling with the attendant inside the lift. After I went in, people started to come inside too, a lot of them so, It's now crowded here. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. It was quiet, always quiet when you're in an elevator but, when I'm with Jonathan, he'll start to laugh about something stupid that he certainly saw to one of the people inside with us, and he'll look at me, trying to contain his laughter but, whenever I see his face, trying to fight his stupidity, I can't help but to chuckle and so, he will too. So, people will start to look at us, annoyed, while we try our very best not to laugh at each other... But, now, I was searching for Jon's stupid face, or Eve's face with some toothy-grin on it, just to ease what I feel right now. The quietness, it's... haunting. I felt a bit nauseous so, I shut my eyes but... I just saw her face, crying, so, I open my eyes again closed my fist as hard as I can... and then... the elevator's bell rang, we arrived at the food court now. I pushed myself over these people in front of me, they might get mad, or they will look at me with their judging eyes, questioning 'what's with the rush?' but, I don't care, as long as I don't look back at them or apologize, they won't see my face.

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I can't believe that I'm in a mall where a lot of people will see me, will look at me, at my face... I just... I just wanted to buy a book, that's all. I walked with a rushed pace into the comfort room, eyes on the floor. Luckily, I didn't bump into someone until I reach the comfort room. It was only me, and a guy who works for the advertisement of one of some mobile-phone models in the store. He looked at me while I stood still, slightly annoyed because, I was expecting to be alone here but, who am I kidding? It's a public place for fuck sake. I walked into one of the sinks and washed my hands. The guy looked at me. He noticed the heaviness of my breathing. I ignore his judgmental stares as I focus on cleaning my hands. I noticed that he's wearing a face-mask like everyone else here in the mall. The news said that people should just stay at their homes because of the spreading virus and if you decide to go out, at least wear a mask. It also stated that do not go into public places especially malls- and boy, here I am, in a mall, not wearing a fucking mask.

The guy finally finished whatever he's doing and left. Thank God no one is around with me anymore. I sighed a tired one. I looked at myself in the mirror... and then I see it, the bruise, in my face and a small cut on my lower lip. I am foolish enough to punch myself in the face, but I think my foolishness wasn't that enough that I decided to go into a public place like this. I never thought about this; yeah, now that I bought a book, what's next to it? I fulfilled the purpose of my walk-trip, now what? I should have made a plan at least.

I touched the bruise with my fingertip and felt a sting that startled my whole body. I looked at myself in the mirror again- God, how terrible my face look right now. I now decided to remove my cap and brush my dry and curly hair with my fingers. I wet my face and my hair... Oh boy, I almost cried while washing my face, I really did. I thought that I was going to burst into tears at the moment. Damn it! Why does this ever happen to me?