Breakfast tasted strange. Marwan wasn't sure if it was because of some lingering aftertaste from the strangely-scented water in his dewskin, or just that his mind was now in such a different place, on edge and fully present in the utter foreignness that soaked in through every other sense. Even his cup of very strong, grounds-in coffee had a distinctly strange edge to its flavor that set his teeth on edge, made his throat feel like it wanted to close up, taking him back to his childhood as a moderately picky eater. Strange taste, maybe poison, there in the ancient irrational depths of the brain.

Shu came and sat next to him during the meal, and of course that meant that Astrud came and sat next to her, so there was both a small absurd rush of pleasure and a zig-zagging sense of annoyance to distract him from his food. Not that the pleasure was due to Shu and the annoyance to Astrud, not exactly. Most of his annoyance was with himself, and some of it was with Shu, wishing she'd stay away, glad she hadn't, the back-and-forth of his own emotions grating on his psyche.

God damn it all, you're not a teenager anymore, it's been a whole handful of decades, he told himself.

But it didn't help. He imagined he could smell her, though they both must smell like Mire-dredged ass; he could certainly smell himself, a sour sweaty undertone beneath all the strangeness.

Sabiqah came and sat by his other side, but she ate her breakfast very quickly, no words, savoring the meal at speed. It was probably the last of the fresh raw meat she'd brought with her; everything after this would be dehydrated, and though he was no vegetarian himself he still didn't want to watch her obligate carnivore's breakfast while fighting off the queasy undertones left lingering at the pit of his stomach with every breath of foreign air.

So he turned to Shu, and he smiled, and wondered how it must look on his face, and she smiled back, just a small thing, professional maybe, a smile between colleagues, or maybe even comrades if you considered the danger they'd already faced and almost certainly would again.

Or maybe not. Sabiqah finished her breakfast, got up with a stretch and a yawn, and padded off in Chioma's direction.

"What was it like," he heard himself ask, and thought maybe he should walk back the words but what the Hell, he'd already started and he really did want to know, "growing up in the Presilyo?"

She cocked her head, very slightly, regarding him, and there was that suspended feeling, that delicate, momentous anxiety regarding What She Must Be Thinking. "Do you have anything to add to that?" she asked. "Any particular things you want to know, rumors you want confirmed, juicy details on all the bits of did-you-know that circulate round the Caustlands?"

"No," he said simply. "I assume most of that is crowshit, or at least has a lot of crowshit mixed in. I just want to know what it was like from your perspective. I'm an anthropologist, you know? People interest me, especially the differences, and I know damn well you can't get close to their real raw experiences by asking other people to filter everything through a whole gauntlet of preconceptions."

Shu's smile spread across her face like a slow sideways dawn, crooked and warm. "You practice that speech a lot? Use it on all those Praedhc you've studied? Like a small disarming touch of academia. 'Hey, trust me, I'm totally objective here, I just want to know.' "

Marwan leaned forward and laughed. "That's more or less it, yes. Of course true objectivity is crowshit, best you can do is track down as many of your own biases as possible and keep an eye on the little bastards whenever you can."

"The most glaring of which," she said, but that smile was still there on her face, settled comfortably into her strong-featured and deeply-tanned face, "is religion, yes? I follow the Triune Path, and you..." She stopped, and just looked at him.

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He let her stare for a few moments, because he liked it, liked her bright-brown eyes on his. And because he needed those moments to compose a properly careful reply. And to glance at Sabiqah, make sure she was still deep in conversation with Chioma, wouldn't be likely to overhear his lowered voice. "Mmm. I believe in something at least. Some bits I was raised with, some things I've come to suspect, maybe. I am small, just the one man, and the world is vast and full of perplexing lessons."

"Not really an apostate, then, but not anywhere in the neighborhood of devout either," she said.

He shrugged. "Depends who you ask. But I'd rather you not. Ask, I mean. Especially..."

"Sabiqah?" she said. "Don't worry. Though I must say she doesn't seem like the fanatic type."

He nodded. "She's not, we've spoken at length on a few occasions before the expedition. Still, though. Some things are easier to let lie, on a journey like this with all of us in constant close quarters. And I..." he wasn't quite sure how to put this without seeming as though he were trying to flatter, but too late now... "I'm not usually given to discussing even this much. About myself. You understand."

She didn't say anything, just looked at him again, and again he liked it, at least until he caught sight of Astrud standing up beside her.

The pale-skinned nun gave them both a calm surveying look, pale eyes under white brows shining bright in the morning sun. Marwan felt some ancient schoolboy part of himself wanting to shrink back, caught doing something wrong, but he hadn't really, they were just talking and anyway the Somonei rules weren't his. So he kept his face as neutral as possible, no smile, no scowl. Took another bite of bread from his breakfast, even.

Shu turned to face her partner, and Marwan couldn't see her face, but Astrud's expression went slightly stormy, then closed off entirely. "I'm going to start morning meditations, if you'd like to join me," she said. Her tone was lethally light.

"In a few minutes," Shu said. "Marwan asked me a question. It would be impolite not to answer it."

"It's important that we—"

"I know what's important, Astrud," Shu said. Her voice was deadly soft.

Astrud pulled a deep breath of Abwaild air through her nose, and looked as though she were ready to breathe it back out as a sort of calming ritual when she made a small gagging noise, coughed, and turned to stalk away.

Marwan nodded slowly despite himself, putting on his best mock-wise expression. "Smell out here can hit you when you least expect it."

The laugh took Shu slowly, breaking up the remnants of calm on her face, and then she had her head between her knees, shoulders shaking as she attempted to keep the volume down.

"Seven Hells," she said once she could manage it. "Don't want Astrud to think I'm laughing at her." She sat up straight, looked him in the eye. "I'd say I'm sorry you had to see that, but really it's a pretty good answer to your original question. That, that's what growing up in the Presilyo was like, mostly. You have to understand, Marwan, that I'm a very good fighter. That's not pride, it's not really something I'm always happy about. But it's also, I think, the only reason the Presilyo ever let me graduate as a Somonei. What just happened with Astrud? There was a lot of that, growing up."

He nodded, feeling the lingering warmth of what was probably a very foolish grin. "I believe you. I know a serious veteran when I see one. You and Astrud both."

"Yeah." Shu sighed. "I do respect her, you know? I'd trust her with my life. I just..." she stared at him a moment, then shrugged. "Hells, you shared, I'll share too. I just don't know if she trusts me with my own soul. That's nothing new, for me. You understand." It wasn't a question, that last, more an expression gratitude.

"I do," he said. "And at the risk of sounding like yet another person telling you what you should do, I should let you get to your morning meditations. This isn't a big group, I don't want to piss your partner off too badly because I'm, I don't know, corrupting you or something."

She shrugged, then smiled, crooked and and small, one of her knees jostling up and down as her leg went restless in time with her thoughts. "You're not. Corrupting me, I mean. I make my own decisions. But you're right about keeping the peace. It was nice talking to you, Marwan."

She glanced over to where Astrud sat in the lotus meditation position, back to them. No possibility she could see when Shu clapped a hand on his shoulder, let it linger just a moment too long, just a moment long enough, and stood up.

"You too," Marwan said to her as she left.

"Damn it," Marwan said to himself, quietly once she was out of earshot.

This could be one Hell of a complication.

But maybe some complications are worth it. Selfish thing to think.

Didn't make it untrue.