That duality of thinking, that contradiction. Leaking with hypocrisy, that was White's inborn personality. But that kind of strange sense of morals probably wasn't limited to him. He believed that many people in the world acted like him too.
Humans in the modern world were impassive and unchanging, yet they expect things.
Still...
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White could only whimper inside of his head once inside of the convenience store.
Now that it had come to this.
He should put that brain to good use. Quick thinking, anything.
But the young man had already snapped a long time ago. He was no longer listening to anything.
His ears rung, and his vision was distorted. A feeling of belching surfaced as a trigger before he spat out whatever that was left in his body.
"[][][][][][][][][][][][][]... [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]!"
He heard something, but he was too disoriented to piece them into his understanding.
He was in a pathetic state just by being caught. The potential that he would die in the hands of the robber, that was the only thought that flooded his frantic mind.
"[][][][][][][], [][][][][][][][][][][][]!!!"
He heard a more visibly louder voice, and then he felt his stomach being kicked.
He felt a strange movement, turning him even more unstable for a second, before he felt his back slamming onto something. A sharp pain could be felt, and his throat became hotter.
(Wh-wha... what... what is happening... to me...)
The young man did not have to wait for long.
The next thing he perceived with his ears became just as clear.
BANG.
His vision soaked in a sea of white.
White could hear everything now.
"F-Fucker... ignoring me like e-everyone else... you... you deserved that... you fucking... you fucking mute...! I-I'm not... I'm not responsible for this... I'm not... no... no..."
"Hiyaaaahhhh!!!"
"AHA...AHAHAHAHAHA-!"
"Aahhhhh-"
BANG.
The other scream coming from the woman was cut short as well.
That brief moment of exchange made White sober up instantly, but it was too late.
A bullet was put through his chest, in a weak body of his.
He was not going to make it.
The pain attacking his entire body, and the fact that he could feel the bullet lodged in his chest. His body which had originally heated up intensively, had cooled down at a breakneck speed all of a sudden.
It was excruciatingly suffocating. It became harder and harder for him to breathe. He felt the sweat sticking to him, burning his skin, like fire ants clawing through his body with numerous incisions.
White felt his arms flailing around uselessly for a few seconds.
"[][][][][][][][][][]-"
The blurry voice returned. It seems like he could no longer hear much from the additional shots of the gun.
BANG.
..
..
In the end, he did not manage to save anyone at all. He did not even manage to save himself.
His life had ended in such a pitiful manner, befitting a misfit like him. An outcast who could not fit in anywhere after his parents' death, it was better he died this way.
...At least he could stay as the 'victim' even as he passed away.
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..
...
.....
A few seconds passed.
The black landscape turned a little brighter.
Slowly but surely, the nothingness was clearing up.
...
His eyes opened groggily. Not mentioning the incessant ringing in the head, discomfort attacked his entire spine too. As if he could not grasp a brake or center of gravity, White quickly tumbled onto the ground head first.
"Ack!" He responded painfully, further ingraining the fact that he had just suffered from something even more serious than a light concussion.
As he steadied his vision, White clutched his head with both hands from the constant ringing in his mind. It was so erratic he felt like his brain was going to explode.
Before long (and like he expected), White could finally feel his toes. Then his legs and his waist. The numbing sensation was no more, and White who had originally been robbed of his senses could perceive his own existence spatially again.
(A... dream...?)
Something that seemed to block out his body senses, albeit for a brief moment... that was something that he needed to consult his doctor about.
(Wait... a moment...? How long... was I out for?)
White knew that for something like this to happen to his own body, there must have had been a catalyst for its trigger. Which was losing unconsciousness.
Whether it be sleep, or being knocked out by someone else.
The matter of fact is that he had passed out unwillingly, somehow. Because this out-of-body sensation that was currently losing its numbness, that means that that person had surfaced.
That person, was a rather vague term of course, considering that it was a fact that White lived alone in his apartment. He did not keep in touch with anyone he would call a friend, nor did his relatives bother him anymore.
But to White, who clearly understood that someone else lived within him, he knew what "that person" meant.
A detestable face of himself. A split personality, so to speak.
That was another excuse White had given himself to stop coming to school altogether. He never knew when it would act up. And bringing that person out was far from a pleasant thing.
White had never met him, but he could tell. The insidious residues left behind every time he awoke with this kind of feeling. The feeling as if the young man had been possessed by a wild animal, he would see the traces of blood on the clothes he had slept in last night.
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..
Unfortunately, trying to recollect his memories before he passed out proved to be of no use as usual. It would only serve to make the headache even worse than it was now.
The young man rubbed his scruffy black hair, causing a few flakes of dandruff to fall from his head. It was apparent that he had not been keeping his personal hygiene in check.
Soon enough, he would understand that he was no longer in his own apartment.
It would naturally be because of the unnatural lack of comfort from his A/C. While the temperature wouldn't be considered anywhere near a degree of hotness, White who already did not have a good constitution would notice the minute changes in the surrounding temperature almost immediately.
Or rather, most people who spend more than half their time indoors would take notice of.
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As he had already begun inspecting his surroundings, White became visibly shaken soon after finding himself in a completely different place.
There were no posters of his favourite shows on the walls, there were no figurine collections that stood proudly in all six of his glass shelves. No, not even his beloved computer which contained all of his MMORPG games.
While his eyes shivered, the young man could not help but dart them around.
(No, this is not possible... snap out of it.)
he thought to himself while blinking several more times to assess his current situation. But it couldn't be less true even after he pinched himself to convince himself that, it was just a nightmare like usual.
After all, his vision was completely white.
Like a blank canvas, there was absolutely nothing here at all, so much so that White who had been squatting the entire time could not even feel a solid ground beneath his feet.
Immediately, he had already felt extreme discomfort from having left the security of his own room. While it was not accurate to call it his home, it was at least somewhere he could hide in away from the eyes of the public. And now, he was in such a strange place.
(Am I kidnapped? Why isn't my feet touching anything?)
White was truly shaken for the first time in a long while. It seemed too realistic to be a dream, and too far-fetched to be a prank. In the first place, pranks were supposed to be pulled with people who knew each other, ...maybe.
And White didn't really have any friends in real life.
So then, what was this situation. White calmed his nerves in a steady pace, thinking that maybe, this was a warehouse where he was placed in after he had been kidnapped?
...
..
.
"Ah... h..."
White had started to recall what had happened to him now.
As he visualized the image of guts exploding, he recalled what had transpired. He had been shot, and killed subsequently after. Probably why the video tape that he had stored in his head stopped playing right after that.
And White, who had suddenly remembered something nasty was not prepared for such a revelation. Experiencing an encounter with death, it was a seriously painful feeling that he would never get used to. As such, pangs of discomfort attacked his lungs and shortly after, he blew out a large amount of vomit out of his mouth.
"Uerrgghh!"
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"Haahh... what is going on..."
White muttered to no one in particular. He had no destination in mind, merely walking with his feet feeling nothing as his legs moved in a draggy motion. After some time had passed, even someone as timid as White could begin to calm down.
While he was still a little unsettled, there were no visible threats to his life at the moment. Thus he could begin to notice a few points as he wandered about.
Firstly, there were no shadows. While it was a simple observation, White was aware of the law of physics.
Matter would always cast one, as long as the subject wasn't in space. Then, was he somewhere close to space?
Secondly, he did not feel hunger nor thirst, and his stamina that kept his legs going the entire time, seemed to stretch for eternity.
It was a strange feeling, but he accepted this for now as while it was out of the ordinary, it did not really make him body feel any different other than that. His clothes were also intact, along with the oval-shaped pendant on his neck.
Thirdly, his voice did not reverberate, and it was dead silent. Yet his ears didn't feel uncomfortable from the silence, he could not even hear the blood vessels moving around his body.
It really seemed as if it was a point to disprove the first, and that he had merely been dreaming the entire time. After all, there were large contradictions to this place, and the more he thought about it, the more his head hurt.
(Am I going to be stuck here I wonder...)
White lamented, as if the entire situation would clear up the instant he said that. Needless to say, nothing happened even after that. And soon, even he stopped counting down the time that had elapsed in this place, he had lost all sense of time. Maybe, he thought. Maybe this wasn't really that bad of a situation.
His legs came to a stop. He was tired, mentally. Entertaining the thought of death once again, White who had no trouble with any bodily strain stood still, and his eyes closed in complete acceptance of his situation.
(Ah, maybe... this is merely a process. I am probably dead. That's the only logical conclusion...)
That's right, he was probably dead. It was easier to think so.
As he did come to that conclusion, he felt his mind harden a little for the lack of realism to what had truly happened to him.
A long period of silence, no, idleness would turn one completely insane, yet White was someone who already had a plethora of issues with his mental health. He embraced this stillness, he welcomed it. At least, it was least distracting.
Maybe this was the concept of death, he thought to himself. And it wasn't all that bad. All of his earthly desires were mere distractions. The time he spent browsing the web for light novels, cute illustrations of girls, and games that he had played. They were only something he had done to pass time through his life.
The individual White, had never truly lived beyond the age of six.
His time had already stopped in that car crash orchestrated by fate more than ten years ago. He didn't blame anyone, since there was no one else to blame but himself. Why? Of course it was for his own selfishness to want to drag his parents out of their work to accompany him for his birthday.
(Ah. Maybe... I might just have one regret. I don't regret anything.)
His eyes were still closed, but he could feel the pendant around his neck from the outline he felt around the palm of his right hand. It gripped onto the memento tightly, as if it would be stolen if he had not done so.
(Ahh... it's frustrating... Not really, what a shitty life you led.)
His face felt a little hot. Down to his roots, White simply wanted to live with his parents again...
...And thus, it brought forth a change.
At first, it felt like a glint. And then it got brighter. Its intensity had started to peer out of the abyss.
This had obviously sparked a small feeling of curiosity in the young man, as the waves of resignation begun to pull back. His eyes slowly opened. But something else pulled back as well.
His entire body was being repelled backwards, as if he had received a large volume of weight against his front. No, was it a conveyor belt? White was perplexed and seriously disorientated, but he couldn't act against this force.
After a few seconds had passed, it had finally stopped. The exhaustion he felt from it, caused him to heave heavily for a while, before he noticed the presence before him.
Again, it was something out of the ordinary. But this time, he was clearly familiar with it. The conclusion that he was being led to, at least, the source of his understanding.
It was the radiant appearance of a beautiful woman before him. Words were unable to describe anything about her features, thus his mind had accepted it as such. He had stopped thinking about such trifling matters. Instead, more than anything...
White, who had his fair share of experience with literature, and more specifically, themes revolving otherworldly fantasies. It was clear where this was going.
"Greetings... human. I welcome you, as the Goddess of Life, Raermy. Congratulations for making it thus far. To have called upon the one thing we call e-"
Congratulations? For what? The words that spoke to him were clear but frustrating that it never changed in its inflexible template. Like those that struck him as something like that of a door-to-door solicitor, he merely viewed it as something that 'could not be helped'.
But was it believable? Was he happy right now?
Of course he was, after all...
"...Am I going to be reincarnated?"
He questioned without letting the woman finish her words.
..
The woman, who had been interrupted, stayed silent for a brief moment.
"Yes. ...Indeed."
White held a look of happiness. Reincarnation.
An overused trope in mainstream media, but there was a reason why it was popular. Reincarnation, meaning a second life. White could take the chance to forget everything about himself on this Earth and work towards a better him in the new one. Even the blemishes of his broken family could be fixed with ample time, or so he had thought. This was something he'd written under his bucket list, but to have something like this to actually happen in reality...?
"A cheat? Are you going to give me a cheat? Ah... then... then... then..."
White's eyes glittered with expectations. That's right, he was going to live a good life from now on. There was no need to suffer anymore. This was fate, he thought selfishly, casting aside the issues that plagued him in his life.
Then now, was it time for him to pick an ability? A cheat? Something that would allow him to clear the conditions of a world inhabited with fantasy elements?
This... isn't this development going like a game?
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The Goddess who had stayed silent for a moment, opened her eyes and looked at the young man before him for the first time.
Lifeless, having no soul, not a shred of muscle, motivation nor determination. Ah, she thought. Another piece of trash who could not wait to jump into the embrace of an easier life, a restart so to speak.
And to think that she had expectations of a different role for him.
Far from it, it seems that the calling... yearning that came from the empty canvas here known as the Soul Forest... it seemed to be a false alarm.
A delusional good-for-nothing, in hopes of possessing power or knowledge able to terraform a new world with cheats. She had seen the foolish behaviour of mortals time and time again, yet it was an inescapable duty for her to guide these souls. If she had known that the calm demeanor of White was merely one due to giving up, then she would not have given her introductions this politely.
For her to misjudge a person's character, this wasn't the first time anyway. That was why there was a selection process in this place where the Goddesses could connect with the souls of these mortals at the point of life and death.
After all, an existence known as the Goddess was not omnipotent.
One merely served as a gatekeeper, not a source of power. There were no qualifications to speak to a Goddess after death, everyone was judged equally. There was no exceptions to their luck or regrets in life. A Goddess did not empathize with such trifling matters of these men.
Who did these men think they were, in the face of an existence that far outweighed the importance of a few tiny specks in the universe? Who was the original perpetrator who had spread the false and 'exclusive' or special ideals of what a Goddess embodied? It was clearly stupidity to think that a Goddess would've conformed uncharacteristically to a single human being. It was clear that the quality of men that she had extracted over the years, were starting to decline.
Within her interlinking network with the other Goddesses that worked since the creation of time, she could see the entire timeline of White's life.
The Goddess was an existence whom usually ran like clockwork, but this time, she was in an even worse mood than usual. She had definitely held some expectations from White before he had opened his mouth. Now he had banished himself to a place where all the freeloaders went. There was heaven in a world where peace flourished, and so naturally, there would be hell where sinners with no redeeming value went.
She already had the answer from the start.
Even now, she could hear the silent thoughts clutching onto the frail youth's mind. They went in a downward spiral, and he had the misconception that as long as he had the redemption known as 'reincarnation', then he would truly be happy.
...Really now? She spat out in disgust.
"Reincarnation huh. Of course."
As if waiting for that answer, White jumped onto that opportunity and was about to speak, when-
"You speak of many things in your mind, yet do you think they hold any substance? ..."
The goddess closed her eyes and frowned.
"...Eh?"
"Your thoughts, they do not translate into action. You are a human whose life have stood still since the beginning. For that, you have committed the grave sin of Sloth. Your years of denial are being calculated, please be on hold."
"Wha-"
"Calculated. Decision ruled. ...As expected, there is no place but Area 44 for your accomodation."
The goddess squinted her eyes and stared coldly at White who was wiping off a sweat on his forehead.
"O-oh I see... I-It's vacancy is it...? Th-then I don't mind i-"
"There is no choice on the matter. You are to participate in Area 44, that is all."
"W-wait, what about my skills? And my character... and..."
Without an explanation, the Goddess closed her eyes once more, and replied coldly. This time, revealing a small fraction of her true feelings of irritation towards the recurring ignorance of the masses.
"...There is nothing else to speak of. Leave and repent, foolish mortal. Shall you survive, then will you be called again eventually."
"Wait a- minute?!"
Through an unending fall, White was discharged from the 'white room', and shortly lost consciousness once more.