“...and that’s…what happened. His hands…as I couldn’t move, he kept touching my body…over. And. Over. Like I was some kind of…toy for him!”
Jaffy’s head fell, and his voice was audibly shivering. He covered his face with his hands, with just enough room around his mouth to be heard clearly.
“Oh...no...I know exactly what's happened, Jaffy. That's...that's horrific to say the absolute least. And you're describing being assaulted in your sleep–there's just no way to properly contextualize that. And this was happening to you throughout most of your childhood?” Doctor Jones gazed at Jaffy with sad, horrified eyes. “And you've never had the opportunity to tell anyone else about this?”
“Every. Single. Night. After that day and all along, I felt what he did to me.” Jaffy’s eyes stopped staying in one place, quaking at the feeling of the memories: the memories of his touch, and the…continuous usage of his body.
“Who was I going to tell?” Jaffy laughed with grim and hopelessness. “WHO?!”
The traumatized child uncovered his face, looking straight at the doctor. His shaky breath was accompanied by the occasional huff of mad laughter, and his hands opened up as if to scream “it hurts.”
“I couldn’t tell anybody. Who was going to listen to me in the first place? The villagers? Yeah right. Of course, I–I ALSO tried to escape from him as well. But where was I going to go? TO WHO!? Nobody–NOBODY loved me but HIM! So in the end, my–my only choice was to–TO GO BACK TO HIM! I was…I was…”
By the very second, it seemed as though his voice got more and more fearful, and Dr. Jones looked at him with sympathy. Although he cried no tears, one could imagine them falling just by the look on his face.
“...I was effectively in his grasp…trapped…!” He sniffed.
“Of course you ended up going back to him–he was the only person who seemed to care at all about you!” The psychologist did her best to assure the poor child. With a quieter voice, she calmed Jaffy.
“It's an unimaginable situation, where the only place you knew where you could be loved is where you're also being abused, and you still kept on heading back there because it was the closest thing you had to someone loving you…”
Doctor Jones took a breath of air in, and continued grimly.
“...and you were too young to know how to handle it. Is there anyone at all that knows about this?”
Jaffy put his back to the chair, looking at the ceiling at a diagonal angle as he thought about it.
”...I think Nata has an idea about it, but…I’m not sure. I never told him…he doesn’t mind me hiding it from him though, I think. I finally feel safe because of him…”
Jaffy smiled, but it slowly wavered away. “...I don’t want to worry him, though…not anymore than I already have…! He’s already saved me once…I need to at least do this by myself.”
Doctor K. Jones contemplated for a moment on what to say next, tapping her middle finger on the arms of her chair.
“I can understand that you wouldn't want to worry him–but won’t you consider the possibility of allowing him to help you?”
Jaffy blinked confusedly at the very thought, but he listened. Noticing this sudden change in attitude easily, she continued with caution.
“He helped pull you out of an impossible situation, and if he's willing, he may be able to do a lot more to help you through this. You've had to deal with it alone for so long; I really think that opening up to another person could be really beneficial for you.”
“...Maybe…no, no…”
The boy rubbed his eyes. The psychologist waited patiently for his decision. Jaffy sighed, eyes closing.
“...I’m still worried.”
“How so, Jaffy?”
He shifted around in his seat as the doctor watched thoughtfully.
“Nata, he’s—he’s really protective…he has hurt other people because of me, and I don’t want him to hurt others, because then—then he’s also hurt. Always. And…” Jaffy sniffed again. “…I don’t want him to think less of me when…when he knows about the rest of the things that happened to me! I…I don’t want him to know—he CAN’T know! Otherwise…”
Jaffy shivered, and Doctor K. Jones’ expression dropped at knowing just what unsaid words were left in that sentence.
‘He doesn’t want to be abandoned, so in order to prevent that, he wants to be lovable…’ The doctor thought to herself deeply.
‘As such, his goal is to never be hated—and that’s what he will think will happen when he tells his past to him.’
“I understand. It sounds like he's already shown that he's got a pretty strong protective instinct towards you, and I can understand how you might be worried about putting him in a position where he feels like he has to protect you. And…I've seen plenty of people think badly of others for being victims of assault—it’s just never a situation with an easy out.”
She shook her head with understanding and a small frown, then gave Jaffy an idea, hoping he would respond well. It wasn’t like she couldn’t understand not liking the proposal, however.
“What if you told him just a few details of how bad it was, and saw how he reacts? That might give you a better idea of how he'd respond to the full story.”
“…Now I think about it…he knows nothing about my past. I’m really scared…but…” The teenager gulped. “…I think I can…try, at least. However, before I tell him, can I…tell you another part of my story? Just—p-please don’t think badly of me afterwards…okay?”
With sympathy and motherly love in her heart, she nodded.
“Of course. I won’t judge you—you’ve been through one of the worst possible scenarios, and it’s only natural you ended up making choices you wouldn’t have liked to make otherwise. Whenever you’re ready Jaffy, tell me what else happened to you.”
Patiently, the woman waited in her comfy chair, letting Jaffy have the space to speak. The said person hesitated, but followed through nevertheless. He looked down at the floor, afraid of Doctor Jones’ eyes meeting him.
“…I’m a terrible person.”
Concerned, the doctor immediately asks, “What do you mean?”
“It—it has to do with the time I spent with…that man.” Jaffy sighed, relaxing all of his tense muscles. “Because I seemed to be sleeping with that low amount of sleeping potion, that was…he only gave me that amount afterwards.”
Jaffy shuffled his hands around.
“And because he only gave me that amount…every night…I would never actually sleep in that paralyzed state of mine for at least an hour or two. You know that part, but what you don’t know is…” Jaffy stopped for a moment, but he continued. His heart pounded.
“I…I don’t know why. But somewhere in that time, my heart and body…they…”
Jaffy stopped. His body did the speaking for him by quivering; he was shaking in fear at what Doctor Jones might say to him afterwards.
“...Doctor…you said you–you wouldn’t think badly of me after I said this…right?”
She was focusing before, but now, she concentrated on what he would say after she said yes. The boy’s breathing was unsteady.
“Of course. It’s entirely alright if you don’t–you’re under no obligation to tell me anything if you don’t want to. I’m only here to help anyway I can, Jaffy.”
“...Okay.”
Jaffy fidgeted around with his fingers again, but stopped after he noticed it.
“So…as I was…saying. Somewhere in that time, I…he changed me. My heart and body, they–” He slightly shuddered. “They…broke. The way he–the way he PLAYED with me…”
He grasped his sleeves tightly again for comfort, but soon, his hands let go, as if he had accepted this certain fate. Jaffy’s eyes dropped and watered, and he looked away from Doctor Jones in shame.
“...I…I had grown to…enjoy it.”
The sad bitter tone he had could be tasted across the room. Another layer of sadness wept onto Doctor Jones’ heart as she continued listening.
“I–I started growing EXPECTANT of what would happen to me during the night–what HE would do next, if he would be aggressive, if he would–if he would use ALL of me that night!” Jaffy started speaking faster and faster, his hysteria outburst growing ever further.
This time, the tears started dropping as Jaffy’s hands stretched outwards. It was almost as if the poor child wished for someone else’s hand to grab him and pull him out of the darkness he was in.
“Can you believe it? Not only that, I–I started seeing it as his–hgk!”
Coughing and sobbing, Jaffy sputtered. The doctor hurriedly picked up tissue for him, concerned for his state. She gave him the tissue, and he wiped up his tears. He continued speaking, but with a tad bit more caution.
“...I started seeing it as his…special way of loving me.”
-O-O-O-
It was in the dead of night, and Jaffy’s body shivered unconsciously from the stimuli his body had lost. The warm air and Nolua’s hand caressed his body like always, and soon, one of those was removed.
‘...Is he…finally…done?’
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Jaffy could still hear his hard breathing inside the room. He didn’t know how long it had been, but since the sleep potion’s actual effects hadn’t settled in, it must have not been that long.
Despite how long it felt it was.
However, something felt off.
‘...Was that…all he was going to do for tonight? That’s quite odd…’
If he could move, he would have nervously fidgeted. The other person in the room spoke quietly and clearly, but not without coming closer to Jaffy. His head was patted, and Jaffy felt something tug at his chest.
He didn’t know what this emotion was, however.
“Oh, Jaffy…” His hand rubbed Jaffy’s head. “...you know that I love you, right?”
Jaffy imagined a smile on the man’s face. His tone became softer, and the boy kept trying to figure out what this emotion was.
“That’s why, I’ll come here every night and give you my love. Just…”
Nolua put the blanket on him, and wiped off some of his own sweat.
“...like…”
He came closer to Jaffy’s ear, and whispered directly in it.
“...always.”
The boy heard the man walk away.
‘...’
Jaffy uncomfortably tried to move, but to no avail. Just like usual, it seemed. He mulled over the man’s words, and thought to himself…
‘...Wait…aren’t you going to do…more to me? Where are you going?’
…only to realize in horror at what he just thought. The emotion that had corrupted his heart disappeared, and his mind was clearer. Another one he knew all too well immediately replaced that other one:
Fear.
Even his mind’s voice shook thoroughly as he tried to make sense of what had just happened to him.
‘…What…? What’s going on with me…!? Why am I changing? He hurt you, so…why…?!’
His breathing twitched, going off its automatic course. The instincts of the past resurfaced, and suddenly, the warm air felt colder. He felt hungrier even though he was full. Jaffy felt danger even though he felt love…and despite all that, his insides felt warmer.
He chanted inside his head.
‘Stop. You don’t like this man, you don’t like this man, you DON’T LIKE this man YOU HATE HIM! Remember what he did to you!’
…However, his remedies only made the situation worse. As he remembered, the frilly feeling encoated him, and he immediately stopped, trying to prevent the emotion from consuming him. Jaffy didn’t know nor understand this feeling.
So how was he supposed to know how to handle it?
‘…Stop it…he doesn’t really love you…it’s just a trick…he…does…he…?’
He remembered the prior experiences with the man at night. Jaffy would have shuddered if he could—not in fear, but something else.
Despite his inner protests, the warm feeling inside his body grew stronger. It was a feeling he had never felt before, and its intensity only grew stronger by the second.
Along with that feeling, the fear of this sudden change grew equally; however, the other one soon overtook it. It fervently bubbled.
He breathed slightly faster, but he didn’t notice.
‘Do I…really want this? There’s no way that can possibly be true, right…?’
‘…’
A steady, out of place determination took place in his heart.
‘…I should just accept the truth, then.’
‘…’
‘…’
‘…’
That night, Jaffy painfully smiled in his paralyzed state as he slept peacefully.
‘I…love him.’
That fake smile of his twisted in anticipation of what the man would do to him next. Jaffy waited eagerly for his touch the next night with trembling anticipation, the euphoria dissipating into his dreams.
-O-O-O-
Jaffy didn’t look at what Doctor Jones could be thinking. He was too scared to even try looking up, imagining her disappointed face. As he remembered the ecstasy he felt back then, he spoke, trying to forget the feeling.
He had someone else he loved now.
“Of course…I’ve stopped loving him now. But…do you see why, now? The reason why I’m a terrible person!?”
The doctor didn’t nod her head. She shook it, and waited for him to calm down. Jaffy’s countenance was a mixture of sadness and confusion, wondering why she didn’t say anything. Doctor Jones’ heart raced with a firm will to help.
“You aren’t a terrible person, Jaffy! The human mind has all kinds of ways of trying to rationalize and cope with the terrible things that it has to go through–and sometimes, it will just go along with anything, to avoid having to deal with the reality of a situation.”
Although the boy seemed to be listening, he tried not to show any reaction. The doctor continued with care and caution. She would never be able to truly know what the boy had felt and gone through, but at the very least, she could tell him about the truth.
“You can try to find ways to distance yourself emotionally, and try to convince yourself that even though things like this are happening to you, you're not at fault. And even just trying to pretend that you like it–it's a way of convincing yourself that you actually have some semblance of control over what's going on.”
Jaffy’s eyes visibly watered. Doctor Jones still wasn’t done speaking, however. She hoped that her words would get through to him; self hatred wasn’t something so easily dispelled.
“Does that sound like the way you felt?” She asked gently, like a mother trying to calm down her son.
The tears started raining again. He hugged himself, and with a small delay, he answered back somberly.
“...I wish.” The light of the room seemed to avoid his presence. “Even now, I…I still have these urges.” He clenched tighter on his clothing. “I try my best to deny it, but even now, every time I sleep, I can’t help but imagine the feeling–imagine him RAPING ME AGAIN!”
Finally, the boy stared at the psychologist with shaken and unclenched hands, his expression full of confusion and guilt–one of which was undeserved.
“WHY!?! Why can’t you see that I’m terrible! CURSED! My friend saved me and tried his best to protect me, and look at ME!”
The tears steamrolled down his face, and the heart of Doctor Jones was shaken.
Jaffy sniffed, trying to stop the everlasting tears.
“...Look at me…he can protect me from danger…but he CAN’T PROTECT ME FROM MYSELF!”
In reply to the rounds of self-hatred Jaffy held for himself, the doctor immediately shot back with medical supplies filled with compassion.
“You're not terrible, Jaffy!” She repeated to him quickly, eyes filled with just and truth.
“You were subjected to a truly horrific and awful childhood, and your brain is stuck in a terrible cycle because of it. It's not your fault that you developed an association with physical affection; it was tied to one of the only forms of affection you were getting from your village!”
‘Why doesn’t she get it?! Am I not EVIL?!’
The boy didn’t believe the words Doctor Jones had said to him, but something in his heart desperately wanted those words to be true. It tried its best to push those awful feelings away from the depths of his mind, but it wasn’t powerful enough yet.
To let him know he was lying to himself all this time.
To let him know he wasn’t cursed.
To let him know…he wasn’t some kind of MONSTER.
“I'd say that those urges are a result of trauma, not a result of you being a bad person, okay Jaffy?” She said, her fervor from before now replaced with a sad calm.
The doctor grabbed a tissue for him and tried passing it to him, only for him to take his hand away from her as if it was filthy. Still however, she forced it on him.
Jaffy dried his eyes, the skin around them dyed a pink red. His left eye felt a little less blurry than before. However, the moment the awful emotions piercing his heart were taken out by that part of his heart…the waterfall of tears only started once more. He could barely speak.
Quietly as he sobbed, the boy spoke again to the doctor, looking at her. However, he failed to maintain eye contact for longer than three seconds. His gaze was directed towards the ground.
“...Thank you…” He sniffed again, wiping another few tears. “Really…”
The bursts of water from his eyes were promptly covered by his hands as the doctor watched with both sadness and happiness. Jaffy didn’t want her to see his face at the moment.
“...Thank you…!”
It didn’t feel like the right time to speak, so she waited. Seconds turned into minutes, and eventually the boy stopped sobbing as he continuously thanked her mindlessly without an end.
When he finally calmed down completely, the redness around his eyes started to fade slightly, and Doctor K. Jones smiled, a small tear almost forming in her eye as well.
“You're welcome.”
Those two words alone nearly started the waterworks again, nearly worrying the doctor. However, Jaffy held his tears in, blinking them away.
The boy rubbed his eyes.
“Before we continue, would you like some water?” The doctor asked.
“...Is that okay with you?” He looked around the room to see where she would get the water from, but to no avail. Now that he had taken a closer look at the room, he noticed it was filled with things he had never seen before.
“Of course.” The doctor stood up slowly, walking to a drawer. Inside were water bottles, but she didn’t give it to him directly. Instead, she poured some of its contents into a glass cup, walked back, and gave it to Jaffy, who gratefully took it with care.
Roughly half a minute later of slow drinking, he stopped. Jaffy placed the cup on a small table near him, and waited for Doctor K. Jones to talk. She took the opportunity granted to her.
“Does your friend know about these feelings and urges?”
“...I don’t think so. He’s good at noticing things, so I’ve done my best to hide them from him ever since I became friends with him…”
His dry eyes moved away from the doctor once more, but he forced them to return, if only for a short while.
“I never wanted him to think of me as a bad person, so I always hid my true self away from him…”
‘Once again, his abandonment issues show through.’ The psychologist thought grimly. She prepared her words in response to his.
“He might not understand why you have those urges, but he obviously knows that there's no way you could be a bad person after everything you've been through!”
That voice of hers lifted him up, but he still refused to believe it could be true. The desperate feeling from before resurfaced, but it was weaker than it was last time.
“There's no way that either of you could expect you to be able to completely separate yourself from an experience that had that much of an impact on you–it would be like asking someone to pretend they didn't have a body!”
Realizing she had made a bit of an outburst, she calmed herself and focused further on the nervous Jaffy.
‘Hopefully, I didn’t scare him.’ She thought to herself.
The boy fidgeted around, but he listened to her words closely. He had begun thinking about them as the doctor had momentarily stopped, leaving him enough time to focus on what she said. However, the doctor continued, adding in a few extra bits of information, and a question.
“...It's important to know that no matter how much you've suffered in the past, you're still a good person and you're worthy of being treated well. Does that sound fair?”
Silence. Doctor Jones waited for him to think about his decision.
Jaffy had a slightly doubtful expression, but after a while, it changed to hope.
“...Maybe…Okay, I–I think I can go with that.”
The doctor smiled peacefully at him, and readjusted her seat. The air in the room became warmer, and Jaffy felt lighter. It was undeniable, however–the fact that there were still many rocks blocking his heart’s way to the surface’s light.
Despite all this, the psychologist’s excavation was effective.
“Then…” Doctor Jones began speaking.
“Is there anything I can do right now to help you? What kind of support would be most helpful for you today?”
Unlike the other times, the time it took him to talk this time was far less.
“I…I just want you to…keep on listening to me.” Jaffy put his hands over his heart, and the doctor nodded.
“Whenever I talk to you, it feels like a burden is being lifted off my chest…” He took a deep breath, and continued speaking.
“But…I don’t think I’m ready enough to tell you about the other things that happened to me just yet…so for now, can I leave?”
“Of course. You’re under no obligation to tell me anything, so if you feel uncomfortable, you can wait for another time.”
Jaffy took a deep breath, and nodded.
“…Okay. Doctor, when do I—when can I see you again…?” His eyes slightly widened with realization. “I—I CAN see you again, right?”
“Naturally, Jaffy. What day would you like to see me again? I’ll see if I have a slot open for you on that day, and you can come at a time comfortable for you.” She stood out of her chair slowly, stretching her legs with a crack.
Jaffy stood up too, his mind thinking about when his next appointment should be.
“…Can I come tomorrow, Doctor? Around…noon, if I can.”
Doctor Jones beckoned Jaffy to come over, and they walked together outside the room.
“I believe so. I don’t remember any appointments being scheduled on that day, so you’ll have all the time to yourself to speak.”
He smiled. The doctor opened the door, and the shine of the outside room entered the doctor’s office.