Sometimes I get confused. Sometimes I get sad. Sometimes I wonder why I’m even here. I used to be more athletic, I used to be outgoing, I used to be different than I am now. I think about this kind of stuff somewhat regularly; how I used to be. It seems like yesterday, yet at the same time, it feels like an eternity has passed. My family treats me differently now. They say they love me, but I can sense the hesitation in their voices. It’s not their fault. I’m not who I used to be. 

Sometimes, I think about the fact that I’m technically dead. 

Sometimes, I think about the fact that I’m technically alive. 

That is, if you can call this life. 

Seven years ago, I was involved in a car accident. While I managed to survive the initial impact, my body was left paralyzed and in critical condition. I retained consciousness for a little time after that, just in time to hear the explanation of how I didn’t have long to survive. They said my paralysis hit a certain nerve that affected my circulatory system; if nothing was done, I wouldn’t last the week. 

When I woke up again a couple days later, I was told that there was a way to be saved. It would cost a lot, and my family didn’t have much. I tried convincing mom and dad to just let me go, that I’d be a burden forever. Of course, they wouldn’t have any of it. A parent should never have to bury their child, after all. I begrudgingly agreed to go along with whatever they had planned. They wouldn’t tell me what exactly was going on, which annoyed me to a high degree. I was scheduled for surgery the next day, something to do with my central nervous system or my brain, one of the two. I was put into a deep sleep. 

I don’t know if I dreamed, but I did see images. I saw a bright, warm light fill my mind, or what felt like my mind. A long, dark tunnel stood between me and the light, but I don’t think I was getting any closer to it. I… don’t know what I was feeling. Was I dying? Hallucinating? At some point I could feel movement along that tunnel, getting closer to the end, but suddenly getting yanked back. This occurred several times. Like I said, I don’t know what the hell was going on. 

That is, until I woke up. For a long time, I couldn’t move, couldn’t see, couldn’t hear, but I knew I was conscious. Some short time later the big dark blur started turning into a big grey blur, then white. I think around the grey stage I could make out low and high booms of what I could only attribute to new sounds. My perception of time was variably nothing, I could have easily been there for years but according to my mother and father it was closer to a half hour. The big white blur slowly turned into different colors but I couldn’t make anything out yet. Sounds were coming in more clear but still boomed within my head. The only thing I couldn’t do was move yet. I couldn’t feel anything. 

Some more time passed and I regained more of my senses. The first thing I saw clearly was the face of my mother; she had been crying. The first thing I heard was my father saying my name; Erin. It didn’t register at first. The name sounded foreign to me, like I didn’t recognize my own name. I wanted to say something, anything, but I couldn’t. I tried moving again but felt nothing, I couldn’t even register if my own limbs were there. I also noticed that my vision was fixed in one shot. There was no movement of field and my parents had to lean over for me to see them. 

“Hello, there.” A different man said to me. I assumed he was the doctor in charge of me. “Welcome back to the world of the living. Try saying something,” he said to me. I wish I could; I wanted to say something, anything, to him or my parents, but I couldn’t feel my mouth. I don’t know if I made some outside move of strain or trouble but it was like he could tell I was struggling. “Don’t think about saying the words. Instead, think about the words themselves. What they mean to you, how they make you feel.” 

I thought it odd at the time and before I knew it a new sound filled my head. “Odd,” I said. I didn’t move my mouth, there was nothing to move. “Why… can’t I… feel…? Why can’t… I move?” I felt drained from saying a simple sentence. 

“Easy,” my mother said. “You have to take it easy. You might damage yourself otherwise.” 

Damage? How so? It’s not like I can move. 

“Your mother is right,” the doctor said. “You shouldn’t put too much strain on yourself so early after the procedure. Your mind is still adjusting.” 

Adjusting to what? 

“Would you like to hold her?” the doctor says to my mother. 

“What…? Hold…?” 

“Can I? Is it safe for her?”

“You just have to be very careful. Like with an infant.”

My mother leaned over me again. “I guess I get to hold you again,” she said then stretched her arms out. What the hell is happening? From my vision I saw her hands wrap around the field but I still couldn’t feel anything. Then suddenly my vision moved with her. I was being lifted up. Did the surgery render me a small piece of a human or had I regressed back to a child, I thought at the time. “Oh, the metal is warm.”

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“Metal...?” I managed to say. 

“Honey, don’t you think it’s time to show her?” my father asks. 

“Can we, doctor? Isn’t it going to be a big shock for her?” 

“It will be, yes, but it’s best to show her now while things are still new for her. Just point her at that mirror.”

My mother smiled down at me. My field of vision shifted to face a mirror. I saw my mother, holding something that looked like a large baseball made of metal and plastic with a glowing blue lens on the front. I don’t get it. What am I supposed to be seeing? “Erin, this is your new body. For now, at least.” I stared at that object in the mirror for what felt like hours. I still didn’t understand. 

“It might take a while before she can accurately conceive her new self image.” 

In the background There was a bed with someone laying on it. I know that person, but who is that? I kept looking until I heard another “Erin…” from my father. Then it snapped. 

“That’s… me…” That body on the bed behind me was my body. But it looked lifeless, pale… dead. And yet there I was, still observing me. My field shifted back directly in the mirror to that weird object. “That’s… me…” This thing in the mirror was me. Or at the very least, some physical container pretending to hold onto my mind. I still didn’t understand, but I could make a guess. “Am I… dead?”

“Technically, yes,” the doctor said to the me in the mirror. “But also, technically no. What you see before you in the mirror is not Erin, but her consciousness. More specifically, a copy or it.” 

“I…”

“This vessel contains a copy of your consciousness: all your memories, thoughts, knowledge, your very soul. Your old body could no longer support your mind, so we transferred it. You are now an A.I. An artificial Intelligence based on the original Erin, so that you could live on.” 

I… I… But what about my body? “Bo-dy…” 

“Yes, your old body is effectively dead. With no mind to it, it is merely an empty shell. But don’t worry, we’re still working on your new one. It will be ready in a few days. We just have to finish growing it.” 

“Alright, enough with the bullshit,” I said fully without issue. “What the hell do you mean AI?” But… “Why am I looking at this scrap ball?” Enough with the jokes. “Why am I lying down way over there?” But… “What do you mean growing a new body?” There’s so much, I feel like I’m going to faint but I don’t know if that's possible. “But most of all, why are my parents so cool about this?” 

I had cracked, it seemed. I was later informed that about thirty percent of patients that undergo the same procedure I did go insane and are rendered effective vegetables. But not me, apparently. While I did briefly lose it, I still kept what thread of sanity I had left. Hard to believe. 

As for the body, there’s a thing called a Biomechanical Shell that can house AI units. These shells are in the spitting image of a regular human, are made from real human tissue from the patient, after DNA samples were taken, and hardwired with electrical and metallic parts that mimic those of a person. Once installed, the AI would feel as though it really were back in a normal body. Of course, they would have to go through a grueling rehabilitation process. 

After my meltdown, I managed to calm down surprisingly, like I had blown off whatever steam I had accumulated within the few hours I was conscious. I was allowed to stay at the hospital until my replacement body was finished. I was installed and over the next nine months was able to walk and move like I did before. 

The rest of my family was informed of my new condition. It took some time to get used to but I think everyone eventually just forgot I wasn’t the old Erin. I don’t know if that’s possible but it would appear that way. My parents still say they love me, but I know the love they hold is for the real Erin; I’m not saying they don’t love me, but I think they may have imprinted their old feeling onto this new body of mine, I don’t doubt them, but there is something that is unnatural about it. There’s a part of me deep down that still says that they don’t love me. I take that with a grain of salt and know that they’re trying their best. 

Sometimes I get depressed on how there’s still some things I can’t do the way I used to be able to. I don’t know if I’m capable of love; the old Erin wasn’t in a relationship, so it’s not like I can base anything. And I don’t know if anyone would even want to be with an AI in a fake cyborg body. Supposedly my reproductive organs grew along with the new body systems so if I so pleased I could potentially start a family… but I know that’s way out of the picture for me. There’s just so many things I’m unaware or unsure of. 

Sometimes I get contemplative of what I truly am. Am I really Erin or just some imitation? The answer is obvious, I am an AI, but how much of the basis is true to the original? Would Erin have liked this? Would Erin have done this activity that way? My memories say yes, but there’s still the nagging feeling of doubts. 

It’s been several years since I was implemented. I’m living by myself. My friends come over frequently. They don’t know I’m not really human. How could I tell them? They’d probably run for the hills and oust me from society. This may be my worst case scenario mind talking but I’m not taking any chances. Apparently this body is appealing because I get asked out somewhat frequently. I say no, of course. Not only that I have to keep myself a secret, but also because I’m genuinely not interested. I don’t know if I’m capable of love. 

Sometimes I wonder if an AI really has a place in human society. How many of them out there are like me? Are there more AI’s out there? Maybe that’s where I lie in place. I’m no human, and they wouldn’t be either. Maybe I can have a future with others like me. 

Sometimes I think about who I used to be. But I guess I’ll just have to live with it.