Dr. Fenton,
In the investigation into the causes of the unforseen apocalypse on the 21st of June, 2022, the commission has decided to focus on three individuals who have been deemed essential to the majority of versions of those events: John Iverson, Moira Thennson, and Alice Myung. Ms. Thennson and Ms. Myung's accounts of events has been reconstructed from interviews, official records, and cognitive memory data extracted from them. Due to Mr. Iverson's current status, and effective inaccessibility, we were unable to construct a narrative report, and in lieu of that, we have included a selection of his social media posts, which provide not just a record of his thoughts, but also represent one of the most inexplicable breaches of our security in recent history.
We have reason to suspect that, rather than being an issue of mere oversight, the lack of prevention of Mr. Iverson's actions and the consequences thereof was due to sabotage from within the Organization, possibly from an individual above the security clearance of our commission. If you find this to be the case, we are prepared to carry out an appropriate response.
What follows is the data that we have collected, beginning with Mr. Iverson's initial breach of security. Editorial oversight has been conducted by agent J-B of your personal staff, who we have otherwise been unable to contact, but we have been assured by your secretary that he is a trusted individual.
Beginning of Tracking Data for Subject John_Iverson_0002b.isb: April 14th, 2021, old.*****.com/r/unsolvedmysteries, topic#115823/23:
Original Post:
"I saw something today, I think it's related to /u/imperialstarfishdestroyer's incident"
Body Text:
"Okay, so you know how there was a report of a fleshy mass consuming a block of [Town Name Redacted] last weekend? Only reported by one local news outlet, screenshotted by /u/imperialstarfishdestroyer, then rapidly deleted and given a full denial treatment? I live in the same town, and saw his post about four hours after the supposed time of the incident. There were men there. Well, men and women, but they were definite G-Men types. I didn't see anything of what he reported, but they were guarding the scene. [Business Name Redacted] wasn't up and running again, hell, I got a glimpse of the crater where it used to be, so I know it was there Sunday, was gone Monday, and was back and up like nothing ever happened by Tuesday, just like /u/AlfsIndifferencetoCats reported, and they were securing the perimeter. There were a couple of guys with guns... well, not exactly guns, probably some kind of particle beam weapon system, nozzles hooked up to backpacks with vents and glowing bits, patrolling the perimeter, occasionally blasting little bits of debris to test their weapons. I took a few pictures: [Link redacted, Imgur album deleted, copyright claim of United States Department of Defence (sic)] I didn't see exactly what happened, but I'm pretty sure anyone who did met the business end of one of those. Anyone else got any info? I think this is big."
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Reply #39b, /u/MisterWongIDontFeelSoGood [Subject 0001A/B: John Iverson]:
"Oh, come the fuck on, haven't you seen Ghostbusters? That's not a weapon, that's a tool. We use them to clean up contaminated sites. Yeah, it can fire a jet of plasma, or a burst of gamma radiation (alpha and beta don't quite get the same results, believe me, I've tried), but it's not something you'd ever put in the hands of some soldier or secret agent. If my boss would let me, I'd use it on my kitchen floor. I'm pretty sure it's the only thing that'd work on the glazed paprika stain I made from my last attempt at reinventing curry. Also, one of the people in that picture is a woman, and I'm pretty sure she'd be offended at you calling her a G-Man."
Reply #39b.2 Timestamp +00h03m
"Okay, she doesn't care, but still, don't just blunder through this shit, my dude."
Post on old.*****.com/r/unsolvedmysteries by Subject John Iverson, April 18th, 2021:
Subject: "So, it seems I've gotten pretty popular around here"
Body Text:
"First off, I'd like to say that I would have replied to some of the replies to my post - not all of you, wow, seriously, some of you are crazy - but frankly, responses were coming too fast. I'm no stranger to social media and how it works, and there's no way anyone other than who I was directly responding to would have seen my responses. And I don't want that. If people want to ask a question, the answer should be seen by everybody. So, here's answers to the most common questions:
Yes, I work for the United States of America, or at least that's what it says on my paychecks. If you don't think I can trust that, I don't know what to tell you.
No, I'm not full of shit, and no, I don't think I'd be automatically censored if I wasn't. I'm a fucking Janitor. My job is to clean up messes, and the only security clearances I've got are what I need to do my job. After all, somebody else made the initial post, right? It's not like I'm pulling a Snowden and busting open a massive surveillance apparatus. We don't give a shit what you do, where you do it, or who you do it with. Well, unless you start breaking the fabric of reality or something, but really, is someone on [website redacted] going to be able to do that? Nah, son. Hell, if you go to someone and say "Oh, there's some government agent posting on [website redacted], he's got insider info on all your favorite up and coming conspiracy theories, let's send this to CNN", you'll get laughed out of the room. Especially if half the content is telling you what kind of cleaning agent it takes to wipe up after a nauseous Bigfoot. CLR, for the record. So none of this matters.
That said... Y'all got any questions?"
Number of Replies Received by Date of Compilation of Incident Report:
3,451,502.