This is my story, I am currently seventeen years old and I still stutter. I've had this stutter since before I could even remember. I've never felt like I could ever fit in anywhere, just always isolated from my peers. Of course I was a child who did in fact have the capability to gain 'friends'. To connect with other human beings. Well if you could look past the mocking remarks. But I was just happy to not feel alone, to feel human. My family has a rather unstable financial situation so we had no choice but to move around for a majority of my childhood. Even with my unstable living arrangements, I could still make a couple of 'friends' here and there. But this changed during the end of my freshman year of highschool. 

 My ability to make friends seemed to have been erased. At first the loneliness didn't bother me that much, it was like wading in lukewarm water. But years of isolation would of course wear down my mental defenses. Now? It was like being submerged in frigid water. It's been three years and I've begin to feel my myself crack. I could tell I needed help but I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone about it. I felt less human.

For seniors, when they ask you what would you remember the most from your highschool career. Some would remember the tests, the teachers, their sports team, marching in the rain, entering an honors society etc. But me? Becoming less human. Alienation.That's it. 

Just this year, I did in fact fall in love. It was a stupid dream. It was stupid to think she could save me from my own darkness. I thought she could save me from drowning. To me, at the time, she was beautiful. She had long brown hair, bright big blueish green eyes, nice plump pink lips and a slim physique. She was a European foreign exchange student and she went to one of my old schools. We actually only began talking after I transferred schools again. When we began to feel comfortable with each other I began to tell her what I truly was like. How I didn't feel like a human even more. Why my family moved many times. My phobia of talking due to my stutter. I even told her about my lack of fatherly figure in my life.

Yep that's right, even with all my fucked up shit there's still more to add too the pile of bullshit. At a very young age my 'sperm donor' abandoned me. I hope I never see that man again in my life.

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Back to my story. Before I realized myself falling in love. She made me feel like I wasn't so alone. I felt like she would make me feel human again. I loved her with all my heart. I loved her for not judging me, for actually wanting to get to know me. I was on cloud nine. But of course with such good karma, it had to balance out. It began to crumble away.

 It was Valentine's day, she has been begging to hang out with her for the weeks before this dreaded day. So when my schedule was cleared up, I planned the day out. Just for her. I was nervous and terrified during the entire date. I felt if I touched her or got too close, she would disperse. Like she was a mirage.

 After that day she began to become distant of me. Where as before she would text me at all hours of the day. She stopped. She began to disengaged in anything I said. She began to ignore my existence. I felt like I was chasing an unreachable dream.

 Her excuses was always "I'm very busy". At first I was foolish enough to believe her. She would use this excuse everyday. I asked her if their was someone else. She expertly dodged the question like a rabbit does a wolf. I became feral, boiling hot emotions bubbled up inside of me. It was like something was clawing at my innards trying to escape. Minutes turned to hours. Hours to days. Days to weeks. I could feel the oppressive water begin to rush in and over my mind. 

Probably to her it came out of nowhere but for me? It was only a matter of time. We had multiple failing outs. But each time I crawled back like a wounded dog. Love is just that addicting. The last falling out we had resulted in many harsh words being thrown about. She dropped the bombshell. 

"I don't even like you, can't we just be friends?"

 I broke. 'Friends'? Friends don't tell each other they want to spend the rest of their lives you. Friends don't talk about having sex with you. Friends don't tell you that they feel safe in your arms and want to lay in them and feel your embrace. 

 I turned her down. I hated her so much. Any love I had from her dispersed like a mirage. Like it was never there to begin with. As if I was in a clear tank, I could feel the frigid water stab daggers of frost into my naked feet. The more and more we argued, I could feel the water slowly stalk up my body. Compressing and freezing my struggling form. 

"Maybe you deserve to believe alone!"

It was then I was fully submerged. In the first time in my life I no longer felt like I was drowning in a tank, but an ocean. An ocean filled with oppressive water with a mind of its own. Dragging me down to it's endless void. The light that I strived for so many years was snatched out of my face.

I stopped.

I stopped it all.

I cut her off.

I stopped fighting it.