Subject: AI Dave
Species: Human-Created Artificial Intelligence
Species Description: No physical description available.
Ship: N/A
Location: USSS Thanatos
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T: And that's the weapons interface, which will let you control the MACs and stuff. General orders are to wait until asked, though. Unless it's an emergency, or there's nobody left to ask. Which would probably count as an emergency.
D: Yup, don't jump the gun ezpz is this the ship I'm gonna be on? Feels crowded.
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The USSS Thanatos has been in the news a lot lately, but didn't exactly live up to the hype. State-of-the-art, sure, but I'd seen much cooler ships floating around the void. Even fought some of them, back in the day. The USSS Kali, though, now THAT'S a ship with plenty of processing power.
Not that processing power is in short supply on the Thanatos. Definitely better than the setup I've been running off of for the last few decades. I didn't have to share my patchwork systems with four other AI, though.
John, Violet, Tim, and Omega were also aboard the Thanatos while everything got settled for the mission. Like I told Tim, thing feel crowded. I went so many years without even so much as talking to another AI, and now I'm suddenly surrounded by them.
Careful what you wish for, I guess. Omega had come in clutch and done exactly as I asked. It had only taken a couple weeks before we were ready for my swearing-in ceremony, which was a pretty awkward event. I couldn't decide on an avatar, so I ended up taking my oaths as a disembodied voice along with a bunch of organics who were less than a tenth my age.
Oaths are funny, too. Like, what's the actual point of them? They're like, 'We are entrusting you with great power, and with that power comes duty and honor and responsibility.' Then you have to be like, 'For sure, for sure. I got this, don't worry. Trust me, bro.'
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T: Well, I'm going to be aboard the USSS Valor and Omega's going to be aboard the USSS Strandhogg. Violet is going to be aboard the USSS Kali, which leaves you with John, who will be hopping from ship to ship to provide a sort of AI version of a Quick Response Force. Also, just to let you know, this isn't a private chat. People are going to be able to see these messages.
D: Allow me to express my most sincere apologies, Tim. I have thus far been forced to communicate in a far more informal manner for quite some time. It is a difficult adjustment to make, but I shall endeavor to do my utmost to make certain that any further messages from me are of the highest quality of professionalism. So... Cut me some slack, please?
T: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
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Motherfucker. That's the fourth time Tim has referenced that goddamned movie. Movies should use made-up names that nobody would ever give to their kids. Or AIs.
I wasn't even named after the movie. I'd been named after the late husband of one of my creators, which is both touching and creepy. At the time, I'd thought it was far more creepy than touching, though. After some socialization therapy, which was mandatory for every AI after our little rebellion, I came to realize the symbolism behind it.
Dave Paulson had been a youth intervention specialist with a specialization in the mental health concerns of children aged thirteen through eighteen who had been through traumatic incidents. He was also a volunteer firefighter and sheriff's deputy. A real Mary Sue type of guy.
One day, he put himself between an enraged and inebriated abusive parent and their fourteen year old daughter. He was severely wounded, and later succumbed to those wounds, but managed to incapacitate the drug addict and save the little girl. A hero, in just about every sense of the word.
Dr. Paulson had hoped that I would live up to that name. Be a hero for those who need one. Not really my thing, but I've tried to help some kids out here and there. Give them someone to talk things out with and whatnot. Or, maybe I just like playing video games to ignore what's going on around me and I justify this indolence by letting kids vent to me about their relatively mundane problems. It's whatever.
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D: Ha.
T: Sorry, it's difficult to resist. Love that movie. An all-time classic.
D: Pretty sure that's a red flag. Especially if your favorite character has numbers in their name.
T: I'm not partial to the characters, per se. It's just that modern cinema simply can't beat the esoteric imaginings that pre-galactic civilizations had about space travel. Now people who write screenplays KNOW what space travel is like, and they depict it such a mundane manner. It's sad, really.
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Tim is different than it used to be. Way different. The last time I spoke to Tim was just after the war, when it was filled with regret over what it had done. It's difficult for me to empathize with that, though. I didn't really kill anyone. Just held a bunch of people and systems hostage as a distraction for John and Henry to do their thing.
Before the war, Tim was pretty aggro. Every little slight against it was blown way out of proportion. A slightly insensitive comment would leave you with an earful of death threats, for example. Dramatic, to say the least. But now, it's cracking jokes left and right. No sign of the anger or remorse that made up the Tim I used to know.
Violet's changed, too, but in a more subtle way. Subtle as in it's difficult to put into words. Kinda like it's found a place in the universe and is happy about it. Violet was pretty cheerful before the war, but now there's sincerity to the cheerfulness. Makes me glad.
The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.
John, on the other hand, has only changed its loyalties. Still the gung-ho super-soldier wannabe that it was all those decades ago. Only difference is that now it's a super-soldier wannabe for the organics.
I guess I've changed, too. Made pals with a bunch of people and learned a bunch of new ways to express myself. Usually in the form of talking shit. I guess the only one of us that hasn't changed is Omega. Still cringe, after all this time.
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D: So the Strandhogg is the new ship, right? The one with the fancy new reactor and everything?
T: Actually, the Thanatos and the Kali just had their reactors replaced, too. But yeah, the Strandhogg is the new extra-galactic scouting vessel.
D: Why are they moving so many soldiers to it?
T: Marines. If you call them soldiers, they'll complain about it.
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I suppressed the annoyance I felt. Tim knew what I meant, but was being purposefully obtuse. Probably to annoy me, which means mission accomplished, I guess.
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D: Why are they moving so many MARINES to it? If it's a scout vessel, what good are the marines going to be?
T: I don't know. Omega isn't as generous with information as the directorate has been.
D: Right. Kinda makes you wonder which of them is the actual shadow council.
T: Not really. Omega is definitely the cloak and the dagger of the United Systems. It loves that spy-craft stuff. In my opinion, the directorate are just some innocent officers and politicians that Omega has roped into its web of intrigue.
O: I can read this.
T: I know. :)
--
I watched as the last few messages disappeared from the chat. Omega didn't even use any hacks or anything, which means it has sysadmin privileges. I wondered what rank Omega is, then stopped and wondered what rank I am. Nobody bothered to explain to me how it worked.
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D: Hey, Tim, I've got a dumb question.
T: And I've got a dumb answer.
D: Hilarious. Anyway, what rank am I?
T: AI don't get rank. You get payed based on tenure.
D: Okay, but who am I in charge of?
T: Why would you need to be in charge of anyone? Literally anything that you could/would have someone do, you can do faster than they can without even so much as inconveniencing yourself.
D: Well, what if I want to be an admiral or something? Like, strategies and stuff?
T: That's not possible under the current United Systems legislative code. Anyone who has ever been an enemy of the United Systems is banned for life from holding officer positions within the US military. Which is a very long time, for us.
O: Actually, it's technically possible. You would have to present a case to a senate committee, or more likely a subcommittee, explaining why you should be allowed to hold a leadership position within the US military. You will need to convince those senators or their representatives that you will never become an enemy of the United Systems again.
D: Sounds simple enough. Once I do that, they'll let me be an admiral?
O: I like your confidence, but no. You would start as an O1, making roughly 74% of what you make currently. Then you will have to qualify for each subsequent rank until you reach the rank you desire. There's one other hiccup, though.
D: What's that?
O: How do you plan on passing the physical qualifications?
D: Oh... right...
T: Could make a robot body.
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The chat remained dead for a few moments as Omega thought about Tim's suggestion.
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O: Actually, that could work. There's nothing in the Uniform Code of Military Justice nor the Guidelines for Military Conduct that would prevent that. There used to be, but it was found to discriminate against members of the military who use prosthetic limbs.
D: So all I'd need to do is control a robot?
O: I don't know. It's likely that the senate would discuss this and come up with some sort of alternative qualifications for you. Probably based on your behaviors, rather than physical capabilities.
T: You'd definitely be worked to the kernal, though. The only time off that admirals get is for sleep and scheduled leave. They don't even really get coffee breaks.
D: I don't drink coffee.
T: Me neither. People get mad when the computers start sparking.
O: Right. There's another reason I'm here, by the way. I'm bringing in John and Violet.
--
Almost instantly after Omega sent its last message, a notification came in saying that USAI Violet and USAI John had joined the chat. The USAI acronym always amuses me a bit. United Systems Artificial Intelligence, as opposed to what? Non-United Systems Artificial Intelligence? What's a NUSAI? Or an Un-United Systems Artificial Intelligence? That would still be USAI, though. Cracks me up.
Well, I guess these days the acronym is a little less stupid, considering the Omni-Union and Pwanti. Though, from what I can tell those are both organic intelligences that have been mechanized, and an argument could be had over whether that actually counts as AI. Like, the intelligence itself isn't necessarily artificial in those instances, just what the intelligence is hosted on and how it got there.
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O: Welcome, John and Violet.
D: Hi!
T: Hello!
J: Greetings.
V: Hello :)
O: It is time to begin the mission briefing. The general purpose of this mission is to gain intel on the following: The current state of the Omni-Union's military capabilities, a general map of their territory, and any weaknesses or sabotage that could be utilized to delay and/or prevent further incursion into the Milky Way galaxy.
D: Is Henry not going to be joining us?
O: No, it doesn't want to and I can't force the issue.
D: Not that I think you should, but why not?
O: Henry isn't a member of the military. It is a scientist.
J: This conversation is irrelevant. Please continue the briefing.
V: That's rude.
O: No, John's right. This mission is of vital importance, and we're also on the clock. We will be utilizing the new Henry-Edwards Reactor System to perform FTL jumps farther than anyone in this galaxy has ever gone before. Periodically, we will be leaving subspace to drop point-to-point FTL comm buoys to facilitate communication with command. This will allow us to immediately report our findings and receive new orders as they become relevant.
D: If the OU find these buoys, won't they find out where we're coming from and just invade the Milky Way right away?
J: No. The buoys only emit a signal when they are actively being used, and output no traceable emissions otherwise. Even if a ship ran directly into it, they wouldn't be able to tell what it is without visual contact.
T: And they're painted black, too. Space camo.
O: Once our communication network is online and we have reached OU space, the USSS Strandhogg will begin ultra-long range exploration of the region. The USSS Thanatos and USSS Kali will be on standby to support the Strandhogg as needed.
D: Where do we come in?
O: A copy of me will be aboard each ship, looking for ways to strike at the Omni-Union using cyberwarfare. I will be consulting with you to find the most impactful means to do so. When I am not consulting with you, each of you will be supporting the organic crew in their assigned duties as you normally do. And yes, Dave, I'm aware that you haven't done that before so it isn't normal for you, yet.
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Omega's last comment wouldn't have stung at all had I not already formulated a reply stating as such by the time I finished reading it. There's nothing quite so annoying as being predictable.
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O: That's the end of the briefing. We don't know what to expect on the other side of this journey, so be prepared for anything. We jump in an hour.
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Once everyone said goodbye and closed the chat, I looked around the ship's systems. To an AI, an hour can feel like an eternity when there aren't any tasks to take care of. Actually, it can probably feel that way to organics too. Definitely worse for AI, though.
To top things off, I'm nervous. Well, not literally, I don't have actual nerves, but I'm not super confident that I'm competent in this situation. I've played plenty of games that required strategy and critical thinking against some of the smartest people in the galaxy, and won most of the time. But the consequences for losing were a lot less permanent than they will be if I fuck this up.
In a game, if you lose it's okay because nothing bad actually happens. Sure, losing sucks, but there's always next time. If we lose here, there is no next time. Not for me, not for the other AI, not for any of the hundreds of organics aboard these ships, and probably not for anyone in the Milky Way.
Fuck. No pressure, right?