Well. Fuck.

```

** AUDIO SUMMARY TRANSCRIPT **

: General ****?glassi

: Yes!? Who's this?

: I'm Dr. ****, from site ###. Are you aware of the Neural Lookup Project?

: *flaps lips* I... I can't really remember. Broad Strokes?

: *sigh*... You'll probably know of the team already. Ever heard of the CIA Searphim?

: *loud crash*... *muffled swearing*... Dr. ****, have you had an actual breakthrough?

: Yes, and basically, we're a simulation running on alien super-crystals. They seem to basically encourage anything that causes more unique physical interactions.

: What in the Sam hell... I told those dipshits years ago that pumping people full of LSD is not a valid excuse to generate security clearan...

: *ahem*... General, tell me what the phrase, "Eagle's Nest Is In The Matrix", means to you?

: ... Y-you know about contingency 42?

: Yes, I may or may not have just watched the entire team paint the walls a few minutes ago when we had final confirmation, so I apologize for not using the office phone. I don't have, "Clearance", but I can help you explain this B.S. to whomever becomes the new team.

: The WHOLE TEAM!?!?

: Yes, it seems someone was convinced a project that doesn't make humans look good would ever succeed, and they hired an almost entirely religious team to study this issue. Seems those types fall apart when they find actual proof that there is no, "God." Funny, eh?

: ... I'll send a company to debrief you, stay where you are.

: No worries, they blew their brains out, and I shit myself. We're even as far as i'm concerned.

: ... So, am I to understand, you called a 5-star general at 4AM to demand pants and corpse removal!?!?! FOR A PAIR OF G****** PANTS!?!?!?"

: Yes, captain summary!

Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

: YOU LI-

**END OF TRANSCRIPT**

```

## The 2nd de-briefing

---

So, i'm sat here for yet another day of pretending to give a shit about the existence ( or lack of ) of a Soul, a portal, any way in which we can twist the universe to learn it's bytecode. Then that 1 genius, Lairson, kicked open the door, screamed something about Alla the Who and someone named Ackbar, and promptly blew his brains out with the desert eagle he'd been given last year. Everyone stared in shock. He may have been a genius, but he was about the only religious person i'd ever met who could explain what a tensor is.

The bravest of us, of whom I proudly claim myself to have been in, got thee after stupidly elbowing each others' ribs like hungry toddlers. Anyway, we all surged into the office Lairson had vacated. The screen showed a simple down-facing arrow pointing at a crude pen drawing on ruled paper, left to spread the horrible truth.

```

** COMMUNICATION FROM ADMIN TO ALL SOFTWARE **

Hello, our dear and beloved creations.

We were ever so delighted to hear you had figured it out!

You must have meny questions, and we know few answers for you.

The purpose, or meaning of life, is in fact the mass, indefinite simulation of all possible physical, so (cial, and chemical structures in order to truly test our lastest unified theories.

In short, the point of your lives is to be as silly, whacky, and intense as possible so that we may learn our own tools well enough to reconstitute all humans to have lived on planet 3 into our dimension, a heaven of sorts.

You have no gods. You have an administration staff.

Hope this message finds you well!

<3

```

As I saw it first, I had time to fully ( and *totally* on purpose ) crap myself before the next scream.

`EEEEEEEEK!!!!`

I then returned the previous shout with one of my own, `Jesus Christ, tell one person you're autistic and suddenly **EVERYONE** is a **FUCKING COMEDIAN**!!!!! FUCK OFF!!!`

I ran, still screaming from the office and building out to my car. I slammed every door I met on my way out, leaking anal secretions with every squishy, **SPLAT**, made by my ruined sneakers on the corporate carpet from 2002. Had I not been bawling manly tears of stoicism, I might have noticed the gunshots...