Memory transcription subject: Captain Sovlin, Gojid Military Supervisor
Date [standardized aurigan time]: Braying 6, 1 AA
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When the news of our past feeding habits reached the Cradle, it was a shock to everyone, and we had to postpone the rebuilding efforts. Everyone was suddenly questioning everything they ever knew: the Federation, the Great Protector, and especially what it meant to be prey or predator.
Even knowing that not all predators were as blood-crazed as the arxur, I couldn't reconcile with the fact that my people once ate flesh. Every time I thought about it, the deaths of my family replayed in my head. And I couldn't even look at the drakken eating their rations without remembering the wet crunching noises and the screams, despite the two species being nothing alike in temperament. The red lizards were soft-spoken, sociable, and mild-mannered, the complete opposite of the grays.
My work was the only thing keeping my mind from wandering to dark places, but every time I looked in the mirror, it felt like a predator was staring back at me. To think I once tortured an innocent sapient for the placement of his eyes, disappointed that he didn't scream or beg. I wanted him to suffer, I wanted to find joy in hurting him, to cherish his suffering. Just like the grays took joy in my suffering, as they devoured my family before my eyes. In my mind it was only fair that a predator should suffer, that I should turn the tables on their kind.
But now I knew better, now I understood. By debasing myself like that I'd become no better than the very grays I hated, and became the very thing the kolshians feared about my ancestors: a savage, driven by petty cruelty. Every gojid had that potential for that cruelty hidden inside us, and it took great strength to deny those emotions, to remain civilized individuals. Even Jerulim couldn't control his ancestral tendencies, when he attacked Nikonus in the middle of the governance chamber.
Thinking back on what I'd done, part of me was thankful that Serz refused to see me punished, while another part of me hated that I got away with it. I didn't deserve a cushy desk job out of it, and I often contemplated turning myself over to the aurigans and demanding punishment, regardless of the man's wishes. But that would only be adding insult to injury. The man was a master in refusing to let petty instincts control him.
For the past two weeks I'd given up on grooming and washing myself, working remotely from my quarters. I didn't have the courage to face my fellow gojids anymore, and the days quickly became a blur, every waking hour spent working myself to the bone, to avoid wallowing in self pity.
As I lay in bed each night, the guilt and disgust rushed back, and I would spend hours consuming news broadcasts and articles about the incident, until sleep finally took me into its merciful embrace.
On the first few nights I cried myself to sleep like a child, but by the eight night it became possible to fall asleep without sobbing, and for the last two days I'd managed to avoid picking up the datapad at all.
Today started like any other day. I got out of bed, splashed water on my face to wake up, and clocked in at my work computer.
The normal trudge of my work day was soon interrupted though, as I got a notification from the internal mail network. Opening it up, I saw that it was from the receptionist, Rylen. He was... more than in his right to say the things he wrote about my 'hermitage', telling me, in quite a few words, that I should pull myself together, and that people were noticing my worsening state whenever I opened the door to pick up food deliveries.
However, the ending of his message gave me pause, and then made me drop what I was doing entirely. Recel was here, with Cilany no less. They were both in the lobby, and Rylen said he was keeping them busy so that I had a chance to actually make myself presentable, else he would've already told them where to find my quarters. He said I had at most ten minutes to get ready.
I scrambled to take a quick shower, not bothering with any furcare product, just letting the hot water wash away any dead skin, dust, and sebum. Stepping into the blow dryer right after, and letting the jets of hot hair blow the moisture off my pelt, I ended up looking like I'd rubbed plastic bags all over myself, my fur bristled all the way from my chin to my paws. I patted it down as much of it as I could, before steeling myself for the arrival of my two guests.
The wait wasn't long, and within a few minutes the door buzzed, and I went to open it. Taking a deep breath first, I turned the door handle, ready to face Recel and Cilany.
Coming face to face with Recel again was hard, but he seemed to be as defeated as I was following the revelations, while Cilany had a look of worry in her eyes. "Hey... sorry for the wait. Please excuse the mess, I've been... busy." I tried to excuse the slob I'd been for the last two weeks.
"No need to worry about that, Sovlin." Cilany began as the two made they way inside. "We're not here to review your living conditions. We're worried about you." The harchen was looking between Recel and myself as the young kolshian sat down on the couch, and I sat across from them on an ottoman. The look she gave Recel told me she was equally worried about him.
"Yeah... don't worry about it. How are you holding up?" Recel spoke softly, exhaustion in his voice.
"I'm... managing." Was all I could really say. I didn't want to lie to them, but I didn't want to burden them with my feelings either. "What about you?"
"I'm angry. Betrayed. What my people did to yours and others is deplorable. We were taught that deception and manipulation were traits of predators, when in reality it was we that were lying the entire time. About everything. Predators have empathy, the arxur didn't deceive us, we deceived them, and much of galactic culture is manufactured. Even fear of predators is manufactured!"
"I reviewed the footage from the Cradle raids, and gojid children were quick to get over their fear of the aurigans. If this were a month ago, I would've chucked it up to childhood naivete, but now it makes much more sense. They simply hadn't learned fear yet." Cilany added.
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"I guess that makes sense. I didn't... I didn't really think about that too much." I said softly.
"What have you been thinking about?" Cilany asked, emphasis on have.
I wasn't sure what to open up about, or how much I should say, so I awkwardly shuffled in place as I tried to think.
"Well, I-" I began, trying to find my words. "I feel like a fool. After all I've done, and all I've said, learning that fear of predators was manufactured makes me feel like I've been played, toyed with. I thought my actions were just, that predators were inherently evil. But after everything that happened, I now know that evil is a choice."
"Do you mean how you chose to torture Serz? And how you chose to 'rescue' me at gunpoint?" Recel butted in with an accusatory tone, emotional pain audible in his voice, and I couldn't stop myself from crying, covering my face in shame.
I managed to croak out a soft "Yes..." through the sniffling, my voice straining from the overwhelming guilt. I should've never opened the damned door, now I was back to sobbing like a pitiful pup.
"Sovlin, you didn't know. None of us knew. You can't blame yourself." Cilany tried to comfort me, but ignorance was no excuse. Even Recel saw that what I was doing was wrong. If I had been thinking clearly, I would've seen it too.
"No, don't tell me it wasn't my fault. I am just as much to blame for my actions as the conspiracy is. I was too blinded by revenge to think clearly, I can't just pretend it's all someone else's fault."
"You only wanted revenge because the arxur-" Recel began, and I shook my head.
"But they're not the arxur. And I couldn't see that until it was too late."
"No, they're not the arxur, but that doesn't mean you didn't do it because of what the arxur did to your family, and it also doesn't mean you didn't do it because you were taught to fear all predators. If either of those things hadn't happened, you wouldn't have done it. You can't say it's all your fault, your choices don't happen in vacuum, they're shaped by your emotions and your experience." My former XO tried to ease my guilt, but the feeling still burned at my heart.
"It's- It's easy to say that, Recel. But I still did those terrible things. I let my predator instincts control me, gave into the savagery and the sadism. I can't just forgive myself for that."
"Then maybe you should talk to the aurigans about it. Ask them how they deal with that type of guilt." Cilany offered, and it wasn't a terrible suggestion. If anyone knew how to not give into predatory thoughts, and deal with the aftermath, it was the civilized predators themselves.
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Memory transcription subject: Captain Sovlin, Gojid Military Supervisor
Date [standardized aurigan time]: Braying 13, 1 AA
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After a few days of prep and having to deal with some paperwork, I took a trip to Venlil Prime to meet with the Sisters of Mercy. The mezari tribe was, from my understanding, a religious order dedicated to the medical arts.
My trip to VP was filled with anxiety. Was I really ready to talk to the predators for help? What if they laughed at me? What if their methods were primitive and painful? I wasn't sure what to expect.
Now as I was standing in front of the Sisters' church, my worries were only heightened. The building was foreboding to look at at best. The whole thing was painted black, with twisted metal bars used as decoration, and windows made of dozens of small, dark panes, which made it look more like a factory than a religious institution.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped in through the glass door, happy to be out of the cold once I was finally inside. The inside wasn't much different from the outside, with black walls illuminated by the light from outside, I was glad to have the giant windows illuminate the inside, even if it was in gloomy, sunset colors.
In addition to the soft, red glow of the venlil's star, the room was also lit by soft, orange lights higher up on the walls, which blended into the red glow.
The lobby was manned by a single mezari with a white and red garment, consisting of a red torso cover and alternating white and red stripes on the limbs and head. She was sitting behind a desk, and was looking at me expectantly.
"Oh, uhm. Hello." I finally spoke up when I noticed her gaze, awkwardly moving closer to the desk. "I'm looking for help."
The mezari gave me a curious look before turning off the projector for her holocomputer. "What sort of help? Do you need medical assistance? Or are you looking for penance? Please tell me you're not another reporter..."
I couldn't help but chuckle as it was Cilany that sent me to get help in the first place. "No, not a reporter. I- I'm not sure. I guess penance?"
"Hmm... Not sure? Well, if you think you need penance, then maybe you do. Go down the hall, then take the first left. Then go through the third door on the left." She explained, turning her computer back on and pulling up a diagram of the building.
"...Just like that? I guess I shouldn't loiter then." I said awkwardly, before thanking the predator and following the instructions. Thankfully, the rest of the building's walls were gray, rather than black, and the trip felt less ominous than the lobby.
Down the left hallway I found three doors, just as instructed, and went into the third one. On the other side I found myself in a very small room with a stool, and a divider made of metal slats separating it from an equally small room. It felt like I was visiting someone in the brig, a very small one at that.
After around half a minute, a mezari walked into the other room, dressed almost the same as the receptionist, the only differences being that instead of red, her torso covering was white, and the alternating stripes were two different shades of red.
"Greetings, friend. What weighs on your soul?" The mezari asked me, and I wasn't sure where to begin. Might as well start with the big one, I suppose.
"I- I let my predator instincts control me, and I don't know how to deal with the guilt."
"What do you mean by predator instincts?" She continued calmly, her face obstructed by the slats dividing the rooms.
"I gave in to anger and cruelty, and I hurt an innocent person."
"Anger and cruelty are emotions everyone feels, Sovlin. Not just predators."
"Y-You know who I am!?" I replied in shock, leaning away from the metal divider.
"Every Sister knows who you are, though not by face. Kersho was one of our rescues, he was a troubled, violent child, who nearly got himself killed through his actions. We tended to him, brought him back to health, and helped him control his aggression."
"Y-You did that? Can you help me too? I beg you! I don't want to feel like a monster anymore!" I grabbed the metal slats, leaning against the divider, basically throwing myself into it.
"You're not a monster, Sovlin, a monster doesn't feel remorse. You are welcome to stay with us, but you would have to leave your life behind, the journey to healing the mind and soul is a long one. Are you sure you want to walk down the path?"
I took a moment to weigh the question in my mind. The Sisters helped Serz go from a violent youth into a pacifist who only fought in defense of those he loved. Whatever methods they used, they clearly knew how to help a predator control their violent nature. What other choice did I have? The Predator Disease facilities?
"I... I am sure, yes. I'll have to resign from my job first, and make accommodations, but I think I need this more."
"Very well. We can do the paperwork in my office, that's through the middle door. Welcome to the herd."
I nodded and let out a low "Thank you.", before standing up and leaving the small room. This was it then, goodbye to my old job, and hello to who knows how many months in the care of the Sisters. Hopefully this was the right choice to make.