1

The next day Faye woke up with another throbbing headache. She sat up in the middle of her room as dim light crept along the windowsills and spilled out towards the floor and finally reached her feet. She stared at the light on her feet and thought about her feelings; she thought about the dream she had last night. It was a memory of the past, the same dream she had for the last three years. The repeated dreams made her nauseous, and last night, the dream has become so clear that she felt it was real, it was as if a chance to avert the tragedy has opened up. Yet in the dream the rain raged on without care and the same end repeated. She put her index and thumb finger on her forehead then massaged them gently, then when it didn’t work. She raised her other hands and put all of her fingers except the thumb on each side of the head and massaged them roughly. She closed her eyes, grunted and furrowed her brows, and her lips drawn into a line as she pressed both of them together.

After a while she gave up and stood sluggishly. The loose thin black t-shirt flowed down like a waterfall and sagged on her shoulder; the brown hotpants are covered by the hems of the shirt that reached half her upper legs. she walked on her bare feet towards the closed curtains and tried to let the light come in, but the railings stuck. She stared at it and then gave up one of the curtains and drew back the other into a tight knot. light flooded unto the room and crept into the celling. The room is bright as the clouds have thinned from yesterday’s rain. On the walls are repeated brown pattern of a wallpaper that was ripped on some places revealing a white plywood wall that separated this room from its neighbour. Furnitures in the room ranged from tubed CRT TV, floor mattresses, and a wardrobe filled with t-shirts, pants, skirt, and sweater. On the corner of a room are red basket filled with damp clothes, and blue basket with dirty clothes.

She stretched, one arm extended above her head and one gripped on it. She pushed her back forward and she stood on her toes. Faye felt awake after that and made up her mind. She tidied up her bedroom. She neatly folded the thin mattress where she slept and placed it above the wardrobe. Then she opened the wardrobe, pulled out a neatly folded brown towel then closed it. She traversed the room and reached the door. She turned the doorknob and opened outside.

Air rustled in and brushed her hairs. The metal wire creaked and swung back and forth. Three days has passed since the family left and days goes on for the remaining occupants of the Motel. Leaves of overgrown wheat reached even deeper towards the road. Seeds fell from their mother and some got carried by the winds, rains come almost daily for the parched seeds that drinks it so thirstily, and warmth of the sun that soon followed gave them affection they gravely craved. The passing of time is marked by changes that seemed to happens almost every breathing second to the greying earth.

Faye took one step forward and started the morning pilgrimage. The terrace is wet and as her feet touched the puddle that formed yesterday from the splatters of rains, she shivered from the cold water. She put on her sandals and started knocking. One by one, she slowly made her way towards the stairs, mindful of any warmth that might have escaped from the inside of the door, and when there is, she will try to get them to come out or simply woke them up. But of course, nothing has changed and John’s room is the only place with life inside. Then she continued on the first floor. The edges of the terrace are brown from mud that splattered unto the floor from rain. Faye knocked and then and stopped by Room 6 to sit and relax. The pilgrimage ended without any change and Faye breathed out a sigh as she stared at the business room’s door.

Then she opened it and picked up a broom and a mop. After she mopped the terrace of the first floor the mop has become dirty. She then placed the mop near the stairs and circled the motel to reach the water tower. Sun glistened on the wet concrete roads and the parking lot. Damp warm air touched her skin and moisturizes it, Faye felt that her skin is wetter than usual.

On the back of the motel, water tower stood and about 10 meters behind it stood radio tower. From the water tower is a yellow hose, rains have covered it in water and sun glistened along its skin. She picked up a bucket that stood upside down near the legs of the water tower, unrolled the hose, then she filled the bucket with water. She carried the bucket, suspending it on the air with both her hands. And as she walked, water splashed around. She placed the bucket on the floor then its content spilled and formed another puddle on the floor. Then she washed the mop with the water that the bucket contained and continued mopping.

After all of that was finished, she placed the broom and the mop beside her door and placed the bucket near it. She picked up the red basket from her room and one by one hung the clothes on the metal wire. The sunlight streamed down and drawn itself on the surface of the damp clothes, its warmth suffused the fabric and little by little robbed it of its water. The hanging clothes casted shadow on the pony walls and tinted it by the colours of the fabric. And then as the floor dried, all the clothes are hanged.

She picked up the broom and swept her room. The broom collected the dust, the deteriorating wood, the dead skins, and a small number of hairs. She swept and swept until the room is clean, not forgetting to sweep the underside of the wardrobe, desk, nor the bureau. After her room is clean, she picked up the dirt with a scope and carried it down. She then threw the dirt out towards the road and the winds carried it away. She walked back up and moped her room. After that she collected the cleaning tools and stored it on to the business room again.

Now that all of that is done, Faye felt the need to eat and take a bath. She chooses the later since cooking with a dirty body seemed unhygienic for her palate. So, she walked back to her room and picked up the towel that was prepared this morning. Bathroom is located on the back of the motel along with kitchen. Faye emptied the water bucket and refilled it then washed it then refilled it again and carried it to the bathroom.

After she has finished bathing, her stomach growled, and then she saw John walked down the stairs. ‘Morning John!’ she would say in an energetic tone, hoping that John heard it. And when he did so, he replied ‘Morning’. Then they promptly forget their exchanges and goes on with their day.

Faye changed into a loose bell sleeved t-shirt and wear another one of her palazzo pants then hanged her towel on the metal wires. She walked back towards the kitchen. And on her way, she saw John with a towel closing the bathroom door. While listening to the splashing water she cooked three breakfasts; it was a simple kind but really filling. With bacon and eggs, but she knew John wouldn’t be content with just this so she cooked rice and added potatoes into the mix. Then she prepared John’s lunch. After finishing that Faye picked two plates of breakfasts and walked out. On her way out she met with John.

“Made you a breakfast and lunch” Faye said “Right beside the stove”

“Thank you, Faye” John scratched his hear, his wet hair glistened under the morning sun “Anything I need to buy at the city?”

“Oh right, maybe would you buy grapes for me?” she smiled “think I’m craving sugar”

John nodded “Anything else”

Faye thought back and remembered “That radio tower is still busted, can you call the mechanic? I wrote him a letter but I think he ignored me” she looked at him sadly.

“I don’t think it’s that” he replied. “Well okay, I’ll talk to him”

“Thank you” She said “When should I expect you to be back?”

“Don’t know, but you’ll see me the next morning”

“Alright, take care”

Faye walked towards Room 6, circling the Motel as she carried the plates on both her hands. The bacon glistened with fat and the cooked rice lets off a nice steam. Arriving there the sun glistened on the newly dried floor. The door of Room 6 is bathed within the white reflected sunlight and the curtain drawn closed.

She knocked and waited. Sounds of rustling and moving about could be heard, bare feet on the cold floor and the muffled steps beyond the door, moving of strewn off clothes and the sound of spring destressing of a spring bed, a screech lets out itself and finally the footsteps drew closer and the warmth followed. Breathing resounded on the other side, a huge intake and a sigh. Silence descended and for a moment their eyes peeked through the peephole. Unlocked the door as the sound of metal slings itself and clucked into the hard wooden limiter. The door opened slightly and lets out a whimper. Light slipped and crept on the floor and the room is visible through the thin open slit. The owner, not visible, is hiding behind the open door.

On the floor, she placed the plate. Her hands seemed to hang in the air as she contemplated coming in. But the owner grew restless, so she pulled her hand and the door snapped close. The warmth slithered back and left the door, Faye is all alone. She heaved a sigh and slides into the floor sitting, her back towards the door. She then relaxed, and limply stare at the open sky. Whipped by the fierce winds, the clouds formed folds, they crept slowly and brokenly through the air, the blue canvas seemed to shift as vortices of clouds formed small mist over its top. Then the winds came down and swished softly through the leaves and the stems of the wheatfields wasteland, carrying dust and broken leaves as it goes, then it finally reached Faye, they caressed her skin and ruffled her hair. And then she ate her bacons, eggs, and rice.

2

And then in the middle of the day as the sun reaches its zenith, John rode through the empty parking lot with Faye’s bicycle and parked it. Faye had heard him so she walked down the stairs to greet him. Groceries in hand, he walked sluggishly towards Faye.

“Pretty early, thought you won’t be back till tomorrow” Faye said

John shook his head “There’s a sudden emergency at the school, a student messed the research’s room and started a fire”

“Isn’t that pretty bad?” Faye asked “Shouldn’t you be there?”

“Nope, firefighters comes pretty quickly and the school only had to rebuild its left wing, the class was dismissed as the fire spreads”

“I see, I’m glad you’re okay”

“Nobody was hurt it was kind of a small accident”

“Burning the left wing off is a small accident?”

“Apparently so”

They both circled the motel, and their talks grew quieter. Both knew that they’re not so close to make small talks. Soo few shared experiences and some of it are painful. Yet both their existence depends on each other.

“Oh right, Cal’s coming Saturday” John said

Faye frowned “Tomorrow?”

“Yeah” A nod

“I guess he’s finally starting that well?” Faye tilted her head

“Digging, yes” Another nod

“He’s going to walk?” Tilt went the other way

“He’s a strong man” John shrugged “I suppose so”

Faye stopped walking “I mean” she paused, and considered. Then her legs moved again “if he’s able to dig a well after walking that far I’m not going to complain, but I really don’t want somebody dying of exhaustion for me.”

“Surely he has considered that” Without glancing back John nodded, satisfied with his reasoning.

“No” Faye scoffed “he’s pretty airheaded” Then an idea popped up in her mind “Say would you please rent a car? your complexions are getting worse every day. Maybe it’s the distance, maybe it’s taking a toll on your health working and getting tired everyday”

“But it’s pretty expensive” John glanced back

“Think the budget allows it” She stared up, with her finger on her chin, then nodded “I’ll check. How long are process? Maybe we could have him rode the car along with you.”

“If we could afford it then okay, the process is pretty quick, don’t think we have to wait for even a day.”

They reached the kitchen and went inside. John placed the groceries at the table and Faye went to inspect it. The grapes are there. She said her thanks and plucked one out. The juicy sweetness bursts out of its thin shell, and with it a small acidity.

“The radio mechanic is out” John said “he left just a week ago”

“Ah I see that’s a relief” And Faye looked as relieved as her words seemed to be “I worry that I have made an enemy of someone I haven’t even met yet” She giggled

“I’ll try fixing it myself”

“Can you?” Faye stopped her laugh, and asked worriedly

“I can” A pause, then continued “Hopefully”

“Alright” Something seemed to click for Faye “is that what that is?”

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“The tools? yep”

She briefly considered “Good luck”

John walked out of the door. And Faye continues to eat the grapes, her minds went to the burned left wing of a school. She imagined the scene. And finally, she grew worried and followed John out with an armful of grapes. She saw him crouching in front of the radio tower, then finally got up and climbed the ladder. He reached the top safely and his hands move about on the radio box. Faye watched carefully, then walked towards business room. There the ledger is stored inside the bureau desk under a wide window that laid landscape toward the empty concrete roads.

Inside the business room the air is dank. Smells of rats and unkempt room, dusts and spiderwebs, dirty laundry and rotten books, there is also the smell of dirty mops and cleaning tools. The dark business room is lit by a small lamp that hang on the celling, the small open slit of a curtain that covered the windows lets in a white sunlight ray that passed through the flying dust and hits the bureau where from its reflection trickles towards the celling and the wall. The floor itself is dirty with splattered old oil and rat furs. The room used to be a place of activity once, as marked with the old table in the middle of the room and the messy placed chairs.

As Faye carefully walked above the oily floor, she felt shivers at the dark and dirty room. She took care not to touch the old items carelessly for dirt-worms and maybe cockroaches often stood curiously at an intruder. She walked past the table and reached the bureau. Her eyes stared at the small slit of light and opened the curtains, the light flooded the floor and the curious-eyed occupants winced and ran. Faye looked around the room and felt that the room looked more disgusting under a bright light as the floor glistened with its brown and black oil and strands of rat hairs.

The bureau is considerably clean when compared to the rest of the room, as Faye often made use of it. And as she opened the desk there is no spider that took it as its home. A thick ledger lay there. She took it out with one hand and the other shuts the drawer. She placed the ledger above the bureau and stared at it for a long time, pages after pages and finally reached the newest entry. She traced back one month’s back and read it carefully pages after pages. The numbers swirled inside her heads, and she imagined putting it inside a container, slowly and carefully according to their use and category, she considers the trends, and with regrets noted that the only source of income since the family left is John. Once again, she felt that she has depended way too much on him, then she also put those feelings into another different container, slowly and carefully. The motel used to be a self-sustaining place with the only occasional merchant trading and city relation to make up for something like electricity, rare goods, and medicinal herbs. Faye missed Kirsten and Leah, with them around foods and medicines and tools are something to not worry about. She can tell that John is trying to fill both of their shoes. It used to be that John handles city relations, Lizzie with the merchants and making sure the motel ran smoothly, Kirsten with foods, he took care of five acres of wheatfields, and the rest, like medicine, tools fixing, radios, water tower, is Leah’s responsibility.

Faye realized that she has gotten side-tracked. With this much budget she thought the motel would stay afloat comfortably for another five years if the status quo goes on. But then when she has subtracted the digging of well, and also sets aside a few emergency funds she found that it will only last for three years. She put her fingers and pressed it softly on her lips, with a tilted head her hairs flowed down her side and she breathed softly on her fingers. She considered about how renting a car every week would shorten the lifespan of the motel down to two and a half year. Then she thought about the opportunity costs that would be saved by shortening the time taken by the roads. There are a few caveats of course, the cars cannot go farther than 50 miles from the city but Faye figures that she won’t need to go that far. Alright she decided, she will tell John that the budget allows. Surely two and a half year is a long time, she will find a way to get more money during that period, surely. Getting more occupants will be easy with a car, surely. Then she considered why they even need a car. Why, she thought, maybe she will only rent it for a week to see if it’s worth it, that won’t dent the budget at all. Alright, she made up her mind, that’s what she’ll do.

Faye put the ledger back and closed the curtain. She turned back and the wet sounds of oil resounded. Carefully stepping on the floor, she took care not to touch anything. And then as John’s feet reached the ground from the radio tower, she opened the door and went outside.

3

She met with John at the kitchen table, his hands covering his head. She walked carefully towards the table and plucked a piece of grape. And she ate it as she stared at John. The room itself is lit by a wide window beside the door that leads to the water tower and the radio tower. At night the fluorescent lamp would shine and buzz happily. But now as John sat staring deeply at the table, the sun shone at the reflective white floor and bounce around the room.

“Sorry” he whispered

Faye considered and sat beside him “Its fine” she said as she munched on her grapes. “I knew it’s going to happen anyway” She nodded “Yep, don’t know why you would think otherwise”

John looked up painfully at Faye “That’s pretty rude”

“I’m sorry” She swallowed “Well, isn’t it pretty clear, Leah took way longer than just one day to actually do a good job fixing that radio tower?”

“I’ve had Cal teach me” John protested

Faye nodded “Alright, sorry must be the business room getting me all grumpy and worked up” She sighed “Anyway, the budget allows it”

“I tried my best you know” John held the topics “Well okay, I’ll rent the car”

“Sorry, thank you for trying” Faye leaned her head on his shoulder “It’s just that” she paused and closed her eyes “I’m relieved, I don’t know how I’d feel if you are capable of everything. I’ve depended on you enough as it is, I won’t be able to grow if you did everything perfectly. And if that’s the case, when the time comes that you leave…” she stopped, as she heard John took a sharp intake. She realized that she had misspoken.

“Haven’t I promised you I won’t leave” His tone is laced with frustration

She looked up at him. “I… I mean” she paused “everybody said that” She pulled back

“Then” he asked “Did our promises meant nothing to you?” his hurt started to turn into anger

“But… everybody left. Leah, Lizzie, Kirsten, Angie…” Faye panicked and covered her mouth with her hands.

“But I promised didn’t I” his eyes are filled with anger and Faye felt legs gripped with fear.

“Everybody did” she whimpered

“And” he paused, swallowing a spit “How does that invalidates our promises?” a wave of disappointment washed over him. And his hand balled into a fist on top of the table

“I don’t know” she covered her face reflexively

“Tell me” his voice flat, and Faye is unable to see his face “Did you meant what you said that day?”

Faye’s panicked hands moved about wildly in front of her face as her head turned sideways to avert her eyes from him. “I… Yes!” she shouted in panic, small streams of tears formed and spilled out of her eyes as her legs trembled. “I-I’m sorry!” she cried.

This seemed to bring John’s back to reality. The face of Angie left his minds and the overlap that he saw wavered and waned, what was left is the figure of a cowering Faye. He felt guilt welling up in his chest and a pang of pain. “I’m sorry, I’ll be in my room” He stood up and walked away. Faye could hear the door gently close.

Her legs still trembled and also her hands. She stared at it and wiped the welling tears. And with the trembling hands she plucked one grape and ate it. She realized once again that she had not paid attention to other’s feeling, she regretted it. She knew it but there is nothing she could do about it when her own emotions are disturbed. She tried to figure out a plan to apologize to John but there is nothing she could do that John can’t. She has become too dependent on him, and it seemed that he only wanted that to continue. But she rejected that, she wanted to do something for him, something more than just a replacement for his wife Angie. She did not like the role, but it’s the only thing keeping him stable. Washing his laundry and making his breakfast. She wanted to do something more for him, for herself. She wanted to grow, but he shielded her from the world. That’s what she thought. For John himself, he thought something quite different

4

The next day John drove a car into the parking lot, and parked it among the empty slots. Faye was hanging laundries when she saw Cal and his wife Madison came out of the car. She hurriedly walked down the stairs, leaving the laundries to hang itself. She waved her hands and smiled wide. Cal notices and waved back, Madison frowned at Faye, but that’s just how she looked. They walked through the dry and dust covered parking lot.

Cal smiled at Faye “Place look’d nicer than I’d thou’t it’d be.” He extended his hands to Faye. Faye jumped and hugged him. “Woah there. Hav’nt been hugg’d by ye fer long time now.” He patted her back as a grandfather would a grandchild.

“I don’t really know why I did it too” her muffled speech come out of his huge chest. “Seeing you and Maddie come in from the front felt like there is something that just clicked inside my heart”

“So this is where you’ve been all these times!” Madison yelled at Faye but the tone is of affection. Compared to the grizzly bear that Cal is she looked more like a frowning bird. Her stature is unbelievable short and her face always seemed to be frowning or cursing at something she saw. Her greying hair is pulled into a ball behind her head and she wore bandana on her head. Her skin is wrinkled and her voice sometimes croaked. But her energy always overflowed from her eyes. She loved to speak, especially to preach, about cleanliness and order.

“Yes ma’am” Faye nodded and let go of Cal. She then hugged Madison.

“Good girl, have you been well?” she patted her back and Faye let go

“I think so, thanks to John” she nodded at John

Cal then spoke to John “Well, where’s that Radio tower ye told me ‘bout?”

Then John circled the Motel and the rest followed. Cal stared up at the Radio tower and smiled. John and him talked while glancing at the tower frequently. Faye led Madison into the kitchen and asked her to sit. She brought out foods she had prepared well before and one bowl of green grapes. The room is quiet and only the shuffling sound of feet and clanking of spoons and fork could be heard. Outside the winds carried dusts into the hard barrier of a window and brushed against it creating a creaking sound. Madison ate and Faye plucked one grape every so often and unconsciously ate it. She stared at the window and the men talking.

“Faye” Madison called

“Yes?”

Madison took a deep sigh “remember Sam?” she looked up from her food

“… Won’t be able to forget him even if I wanted to” Faye’s hands stopped and placed the suspended grape back into the bowl “I loved his bugles” she stared at the table but the stare is far and distant.

“Everybody does” Madison nodded “Got the whole city singing for him” She smiled reminiscing. “Well, kind of worried about him”

“He’s in the south, right? Cal told me” Faye raised her head and stare at Madison

She nodded “Yep” then she continued eating

“I’ve heard the city is good and prosperous” Her hands moved to pick the grape “What is there to worry about?”

“Don’t know” Madison sighed “Guess I’d jest miss’d him”

Faye munched at the grapes “I missed him too, he’s… nice”

“Nicer than anybody I’ve ever seen” She ate “Don’ know where he got it. Polite as the old british arstocracy” Madison ate in silence for a while, thinking whether the old british aristocracy are polite or not, then continued “The city is a weird one, district divided into different stratas. Supposedly the higher the district is the better living condition they got” She drinks and gulped “The higher ups and leaders are somewhere up top”

“That’s a bit different than what I’d heard” Faye replied muching on grapes

“That’s what’s written on the letter” Madison replied “Said he’s somewhere in the middle now but sometimes got a call from the higher ups, worried he got caught in something dangerous.”

The both sat in silence, only the sounds grapes plucking and dishes clinking filled the kitchen. The men outside talked and makes laughing gestures. Then Cal climbed the radio towers while John stood and waited for Cal to heft himself into the platform where the radio box is located. After a while John climbed, the sound of clicking metal is blanketed by the windy afternoon. Then Faye spoke

“Think, he’s alright” She leaned on the table “Never seen him panicked or troubled, and every time we got into trouble, he’s the one to resolve it.” She nodded “Yeah. Don’t think any kind of trouble is too big for him got the world figured out somehow”

“Yeah, thought the same thing as ye did.” Madison said “Cal isn’t entirely convinc’d though. Said he’ll invite him home soon as possible” Then Madison sighed “Well, worries got the better of me ha-ha” she laughed “Didn’t come here to worry ‘bout my boy Sam. Say, Faye are you happy here? Have any plans to go back to the city?”

“Don’t know, it’s pretty hard to leave. Have gotten way too attached here”

“Mary is worried, you know, keeps asking me every day to give ye a visit. ‘visit her yourself!’ I’d say but she knowed I’m itching to visit myself, so she keeps asking me, she knowed!. And so when Cal told me he’d come here, why I’m not the one to let an opportunity goes past, been procrastinating long enough”

“Is she busy? With the apartment and stuff”

“Hmm? Oh she’s busy alright, but I’m guessing that’s not the reason she won’t visit” She said “Probably guilt eating her up, afraid you’d reject ‘er”

“Why don’t you drag her here?” Faye asked

“’Whyn’t you drag ‘er’ she said! Course I don’t know what your opinion are about that day. But I’m guessing you haven’t been able to parse it yet considering you’ve only visited the grave yesterday for over three years. I’d think she made a safe choice avoiding your contact” She ate “Did you hate her Faye?”

Faye thought, munching the grapes, her face blank and only the movement of chewing is visible “Don’t know” she muttered “I don’t know” she said

“See! Faye lookat me” Faye stared at Madison. “What happened that day wasn’t her fault.” Faye stared “Not yours either”

Faye considered, then she nodded “I don’t know” she repeated

Then the door opened with a loud bellowing laugh. Faye jolted surprised and grapes fell from her fingers. Cal strode towards the table and John followed weakly behind. The room suddenly got brighter from the afternoon light that spilled from the open doorway. Winds came in and brushed itself against every furniture clanking could be heard and hairs rustled, the warmth escaped outside and the room is now cold with air.

“John’s got somethin’ ta say” Cal laughed

John inched forward with his hand behind his head, scratching it softly. “Sorry” he muttered

“What fer?” Cal probed him

John glanced angrily at Cal but gave a sigh of resignation and continued “I broke the tower”

Faye raised her eyebrows “What?”

“Broken ‘er real bad” Cal laughed “Not even Leah gonna save that radio now. Gotta get new box ready.”

“Wow” Faye said admiringly “Don’t know it’s that bad”

“I’m really sorry” John said

Faye shook her head “It’s fine” then added “You did your best” Then she turned towards Cal “How much would a new one costs?”

“Don’t rightly know but it’s pretty cheap. I’ll talk to merchants from north about it, maybe Emil would’ve knowed” Cal nodded, then he took one grape and ate it, Faye watched as the white bearded mouth devoured the grape. “Guess I should start on that well, place’s filled with water. But I’ve mark’d good spots to dig, the land is blessed I suppose” Then Cal walked back out and the room once again darkened as the door closes, John got up and followed him. Inside the room the two women continued their conversation, and the warmth slowly gripped Faye.