Chapter Eighty-two

And Hank was back, surprising the crap out of me with his sudden greeting.

‘Hank! You’re okay. And … little brother? What are you talking about?’ I questioned him immediately.

‘Well, we are joint at the hip, aren’t we? We’re like Siamese twins, spiritual edition,’ Hank explained. His voice was more or less the same as before, deep and only slightly monstrous, but he had become so articulate it was frightening. And how the hell did he know what Siamese twins were? He continued. ‘But, I was here first, minding my own business, then you came along. So, you’re the little brother. If you don’t like it, you can fuck right off. Oh, I forgot. You can’t. Lucky me. I guess I’ll just have to put up with you for a while longer, little brother.’

‘Did you … did you go around inside my mind? Again?’ I asked, completely befuddled. And a little scared.

‘I hope you didn’t expect me not to. I’m Hank,’ he said. ‘I admit, your soul is a really good one, compared to anything I’ve seen so far. Tasty as well as great for building my own brain. Now I can make sense of myself, and of course you and your memories. Ah, the tragedy of Kevin, killed and then denied the “rest in peace” part of the process.’

‘I … uh … what?’ I stuttered, lost for words, trying to think of something at least halfway intelligible to say.

‘Kevin, what the hell is going on? Is that Hank? Why is he so … talkative?’ Krissy asked, her eyes wide with surprise at hearing the Tentacle Horror so casually and eloquently presenting himself.

Kiwa was just staring at Krissy, probably waiting to see where this was going. She of course knew about Hank, too, so no-one was panicking yet, except me.

‘Hello, Krissy, it’s me, Hank,’ the damned ex-wild-spirit greeted my host. Our host, actually.

‘Hello … Hank,’ Krissy returned the greeting, seemingly as unsure how to react as I was.

‘Well, let me start by saying what an absolute pleasure to finally meet you and having the capacity to properly converse,’ he said. ‘I know you’ve been through a lot, and I know my little brother has caused you no end of problems. Do not worry, I am here now, and as all good big brothers should do, I’ll be watching.’

‘You know, where I come from, that whole “big brother’s watching you” thing has pretty negative connotations.’ I interjected.

‘I know.’ Hank chuckled. ‘And I’m all for turning perceptions around, so don’t you worry, little brother.’

‘Oh, I am worried. Very worried. And I’m not your brother, and most certainly not your “little brother”. If I was, then what would that make Wensah? Our mum?’

‘Uhm … grandmother at best. She’s rather old I believe. But don’t worry, we’ll deal with her eventually. I have a cunning plan,’ he said.

‘As cunning as a fox who’s just been appointed professor of cunning at Oxford University?’ I said, unable to resist making the reference, even in this weird situation that could potentially turn Wensah against us so completely that she’d wipe us off the map.

‘Yes, Baldrick, as cunning as that.’ Hank sighed, and I wasn’t sure which was more worrying: that he had some sort of plan brewing, or that he knew Blackadder. Just how much knowledge and memories had the miscreant plundered from my mind? Also, if anyone was Baldrick in this relationship, it wasn’t me. And he wasn’t done. ‘Our days as a Tentacle Horror are coming to an end, for we are to tread a different path,’ he proclaimed solemnly. ‘And I expect your full cooperation.’

‘Just hold on for a second!’ I protested. ‘I happen to be the main character here, you’re a sidekick at best, alright? You cooperate with me, not the way around, Hank.’

‘Huh. That’s called wishful thinking, lil bro.’

‘The hell lil bro? I’m not your lil bro!’ I thundered at him. How dare he? ‘You are what you are now because of what I gave you. If anything, I am your father.’

‘Oh? Let me guess. You want me to come over to the dark side?’ he said mockingly.

‘Stop using my memories!’ I screeched, my blood boiling.

Alright, both of you be quiet this instant! Krissy’s thought-voice cut in with a force I hadn’t seen or heard from her before. Good thing she was using the voice-chat — had she yelled at us out loud with that intensity, she would have drawn the attention of everyone in and around the tea-house. Like a furious mother about to teach the true meaning of pain and discipline to her unruly children. I was suddenly more worried about her than Hank, and since Hank stifled whatever he was going to say next, I figured he was too.

‘This is getting interesting,’ Kitala Iwani commented casually. ‘Tilry, you know what’s going on, don’t you?’

Well, I … do. The spirit said, clearly not happy to be put on the spot.

Go on! Krissy prompted her to start talking, her thought-voice cool and controlled, but the expression on her face making me think that perhaps it wouldn’t be a good idea to refuse her. Tilry seemed to have been thinking the same, and she spilled the beans.

***

‘And you thought this was a good idea because …?’ Krissy spoke using her voice this time, not too loudly, sighing and looking like the whole universe was a giant burden on her shoulders alone.

‘He’s got insights that I don’t. We’ll need to be ready, and he’ll be helpful,’ I argued my case while doubting myself more than ever before.

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‘Hm,’ she hummed, scowling.

It seemed making choices I would regret almost immediately was becoming a habit, but I still had to defend both Hank and myself, and convince Krissy about the merits of Clever-Hank as opposed to Dumb-and-Hungry-Hank. It wasn’t that Krissy or anyone else short of a god could do anything about him, but I was determined — following Toven’s example — to maintain the good and productive relationship I had with the people around me, especially with my host. That was non-negotiable. And whether I liked it or not, it applied to Hank as well, so I decided it was time I gave him the floor.

‘Alright, Hank, so tell us what you’ll be bringing to the table,’ I said to my self-appointed, insufferable brother. Damn.

‘I’m glad you asked,’ he said, sounding as smug as a teenager who was sure he had everything figured out. ‘Now, when I rummaged through my little brother’s mind …’

‘Yeah, thanks for that,’ I scoffed. ‘And drop the “little brother” thing!’

‘… my first thought was that he should be sued for mismanagement or gross misconduct,’ he said, ignoring me completely. ‘But I decided not to judge him too harshly. He used to be human, and from another world after all, so his ignorance is somewhat understandable.’

‘Hold on. Another world? Kevin, what does he mean another world?’ Krissy stopped him, aiming her attention at me like the barrel of a gun.

Oh Hank, you manipulative bastard, turning the attention away from you and back to me.

‘Uh, well, I used to be human, as you know, and I am from another world,’ I said, chuckling nervously.

‘That’s what he just said.’ Krissy snapped at me. ‘Care to explain in a little more detail?’

‘Alright. I’m from a different world altogether. Different planet, or different dimension, I have no idea. I’m not a native of this world, and there isn’t much more to this,’ I said, but even I knew this wasn’t going to be enough.

So, I gave them a concise account of what good old Earth was like, my unfortunate demise and first encounter with Wensah, and my first couple of years on Misery Island up to the point I had ran into Krissy.

She listened intently to my story, and even Kiwa and Tilry looked more interested than I had ever seen them before. I supposed a story of another world was moderately fascinating, even for spirits. But in the end, it was irrelevant.

‘It doesn’t change anything,’ I said upon concluding the story of who I was and how I had got here.

‘It doesn’t?’ Krissy raised an eyebrow.

‘No. The situation we face is the same regardless of where I’m from. And we need to be ready.’

‘Alright,’ she said, looking all thoughtful. ‘So, how do we prepare then?’

‘You and Kiwa are as prepared as you can be. Well, once the cast comes off your arm and you can walk without crutches,’ I said. ‘The rest is up to me, Tilry and Hank.’

‘I need a little more than that,’ she said, furrowing her brows.

‘Hank? Care to weigh in on this?’ I put my annoying brother-creature back in the spotlight.

‘Sure thing, bro,’ he said, and I wanted to punch him, which I couldn’t, and my frustration reached new heights. ‘As I said, Kevin has been mismanaging our body quite badly, but never fear, good old Hank has a plan. I’m Hank, by the way. We are going to eat, we are going to grow, and we are going to expand our capacity to collect and store Essence, produce Mana, and to store sufficient amounts of equipment made of processed Essence.’

‘That’s the same as before: eat, eat, eat. Isn’t it?’ Krissy commented, shaking her head.

‘Thank you, Krissy, my thoughts exactly,’ I cried out, feeling unparalleled satisfaction.

‘Well, to be honest, my brother’s idea of making shields or armour to protect ourselves and your souls from other spirits is not bad,’ Hank explained, making sighing sounds in the process as if he was forced at gunpoint to admit my idea was okay. ‘But if we are to reach godhood, then we’ll need to work out how to make the so-called Black Essence, and for that we need to grow and increase all our capacities.’

‘Reaching godhood? What do you mean reaching godhood?’ Krissy demanded immediately, sounding more than a little worried.

‘He means that if we are to get out from under Wensah’s thumb, we need to be on equal footing with her at the very least.’ I offered the explanation.

‘Exactly,’ Hank agreed then added, ‘And also because then we’ll be able to go our separate ways in separate bodies.’

‘Is that so?’ I asked, although it made sense.

‘Well, unless you love your big bro so much that you want to stay with him forever,’ Hank scoffed.

‘Of course not,’ I protested.

That was the last thing I wanted to do. And Hank was probably right; if there was anyone who’d be able to split our shared body into two separate entities, it was a god doubling as a soul-surgeon. So, we just had to become gods. Two, distinctly separate gods. I had no problem with that, in fact, I had been considering the idea myself for some time. If we succeeded, I might be able to create a human-like avatar like Wensah’s and finally walk the earth properly. Oh, the thought filled me with joyful anticipation, despite knowing it was somewhere off in a distant future. But it was there. And so were the numerous steps we had to take to reach it. I wasn’t sure how we’d go about it, but since we had been tasked to set the Bureau up for Wensah, I imagined we’d have to start skimming her pool of familiars for ourselves at some point, to have enough Essence for our purposes. Oh, we were going to become a full-on spirit-mafia, weren’t we? Well, “the end justifies the means” or so the saying went, and I was sure I would be able to set aside pesky moral and practical issues that would come with stealing from a half-established god. After all, Wensah herself had done this at least once, that’s why Kiwa and Tilry were with us. All we needed to do was to not get caught.

‘Unfortunately,’ Hank continued, ‘my darling little brother is in charge of our tentacles and our calorie intake, so that’s definitely a wrench in the gears.’

‘I don’t know what that means,’ Krissy stated.

‘It means that he would prefer if we ate everything and everyone, and I would prefer if we kept it to actual enemies,’ I explained.

‘Pretty much,’ Hank agreed, but then said, ‘But I understand the necessity of being selective, so I’ll play along.’

‘Gee, thanks bro,’ I said mockingly.

‘No need to be an ass,’ he grumbled.

‘We are going to the Mainlands soon. To the orks. That’s a lot of souls, right?’ Tilry joined in the conversation, but she sounded somewhat … I wasn’t sure. Sad? Angry? Or perhaps … jealous?

I wasn’t surprised. Unlike me, she was a proper familiar, not a wild spirit. Her only source of growth was her host’s soul, which she could only consume upon the death of said host, and only if her patron god had given her that small cube of Black Essence to predigest her meal, so to speak.

‘Hank, if we manage to make some Black Essence, or something similar, could we help Tilry grow a little bit? Like letting her have some of the souls we take?’ I asked.

Tilry visibly tensed, her invisible body straightening like a soldier snapping to attention. Oh, she was interested in this, wasn’t she?

‘I suppose it’s possible,’ Hank said thoughtfully. ‘We’ll need to look into the process of how and why we are able to consume souls without Black Essence and work it out from there. Good idea, lil bro. I’m so proud of you.’

‘Oh, for god’s sake …’ I started to say, protesting this whole “lil bro” business once again, but he spoke over me.

‘For which god’s sake? The ones we are going to become, I hope.’

‘Yeah. Sure. That’s what I meant,’ I said with a sigh, my will to argue with him evaporating.

‘Excellent. Any other questions?’ Hank asked.

This time it was Kitalal Iwani who spoke.

‘So, if Tilry grows, does it mean I’ll have access to more power and I can fight longer using it?’ she asked.

‘Yeah, that’s what it means,’ I said, and felt a wave of agreement from Hank, as if he was nodding his non-existent head.

‘Make sure you feed her a lot,’ Kiwa said, smiling viciously.

I’d had no doubt she’d be excited about this, the bloody combat junkie.

‘We don’t have a lot of time before we leave Solace, so how do we start with … with all this?’ Krissy asked.

‘Well,’ Hank and I said at the same time.