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The Merchant Adventurer
No Such Thing as A Free Lunch

No Such Thing as A Free Lunch

“Samga. There you are,” said Dimsbury. He stood on the dais next to the Magic Flame. Above the dais Asarah hung by her legs. “Thank the Gods you have returned. Pass me that knife over there so I may open this woman’s neck.” Asarah attempted a scream, but it was muffled by a gag, which Dimsbury now tightened. “I must say, woman, I enjoy your company much more now that you are quiet. I will almost be sad to see you go. Samga, the knife!”

From over his shoulder, Dimsbury heard Samga say, “No.”

“‘No’? What do you mean ‘no’? There is no ‘no’!”

The Wizard turned to see a smiling Boltac standing next to his prized creature. “Samga, what do you have there? And wherever did you find it?”

“Back like a bad penny,” said Boltac.

“Before we get to the question of how,” Dimsbury said wearily, “I must ask you: why?”

“I’m here to do you in.”

Dimsbury gestured, vaguely, at Relan’s body, now discarded along the wall. “Yes, that was his idea as well. What makes you think you will fare any better?”

“I am not an idiot.”

“Idiots are always the last to find out,” said Dimsbury.

“Eh-henh. You want I should say touché or something, or can we just get down to business?”

“Very well,” said Dimsbury, and picked up a medium-sized silver whistle from his desk. “I shall let my staff handle the light work.” He placed his lips to the whistle and blew. No sound came from the whistle, but Samga writhed in pain.

From outside there was a groaning commotion. Soon, metal-bloated Orcs streamed into the room. They snorted and growled and clanked and bitched in their brutish language about being awakened from their post-gluttony slumber. And, if such a thing were possible, they seemed even more frightening and contentious than Orcs usually did.

Dimsbury drew himself up to his full height. He lifted his arms and electricity crackled along his fingertips and the surface of his robes. In full voice, he began his mighty, doom-filled pronouncement. “Tear him–”

“Hang on,” said Boltac, “Hang on. Sorry to ruin your speech there. But I’ve got one of those too.” Boltac reached for his charm necklace. For the first time in a long time, he felt very, very lucky. He placed the tiny silver whistle to his lips and blew.

Nothing happened.

“I’m sorry, is that it?” asked Dimsbury, his voice dripping with contempt.

“Eh, hang on,” Boltac put the whistle to his lips again and blew as hard as he could. Blew until he was red in the face. Blew until he was sputtering and out of air. He finished with a defeated “huuuuuuuuh.” Then he gasped for air.

The Orcs looked at Boltac. Samga looked at Boltac. Hanging upside down, Asarah closed her eyes.

“Yes,” said Dimsbury, “if you are quite through?” Boltac looked down and away. “TEAR HIM LIMB FROM LIMB!”

There was nowhere to run. There was nothing to do. As the first Orc advanced, Boltac turned to Samga, “Sorry. I thought that would work.”

Snarling, the front line of Orcs reached for Boltac. Their claws and tusks searched in savage arcs for the soft, fat flesh of the Merchant. But before Boltac was torn open, the biggest Orc of all let out a long howl of pain. The other Orcs stopped to watch as it grasped its stomach and collapsed to the floor. Then another fell, and then another, until all of them were lying on the floor, writhing in pain.

“What is this foolishness?” demanded Dimsbury.

Boltac resumed blowing his whistle for all he was worth. As the Orcs writhed in agony on the floor, the largest of them made the connection. He lifted his taloned hand off the ground then plunged it deeply into his own stomach. The whistle dropped from Boltac’s lips has his face contorted in disgust. Coins exploded outward from the unfortunate creature’s stomach. Some spewed to the ground with gouts of blood and intestine. Others clicked and clinked as they ripped tiny slices of flesh from the now dying creature.

Boltac pumped one fist in victory. “NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH!” he shouted. The Creeping Coins crawled and swarmed over the Orcs, tearing them apart with the gnashing of thousands of tiny teeth.

A bolt of lightning exploded across the room.

Boltac held up his hand with the one Gauntlet of Magic Negation. It absorbed Dimsbury’s lightning bolt. “Hey! That worked!” Boltac said, laughing giddily.

Dimsbury furrowed his brow and said, “Very well. The fat man wants to play.”

The next bolt of lightning was so powerful Boltac thought his eyeballs had been seared from his head. When his sight returned from momentary blindness, he saw that the mitten on his left hand remained intact. As Dimsbury extended his arm again, Boltac closed his eyes. He felt an impact, and another, and another. The palm of the mitten grew hot and he fought off the urge to shake his hand. On his belt, the Magic-detecting wand vibrated wildly. “Okay,” said Boltac, “this isn’t funny anymore.”

“Do something!” Samga cried over the crackle of the lightning and the rush of superheated air.

“I can’t see!” protested Boltac. And the bolts kept coming and coming, pounding into his left arm. He could feel the mitten burning his flesh. And now tiny shocks, the leftover current that the Gauntlet could not absorb, forced the muscles of his arm to contract and twitch violently. He turned his face away from the Wizard, still holding his hand up. Eyes closed in a painful wince, he felt around for something, anything…

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Samga pushed the heavy shelves over. They toppled into Dimsbury and knocked him back a step. The Wizard lashed out blindly, and a bolt of electricity caught Samga in the chest. Samga staggered backward, then collapsed. As Dimsbury turned back, he saw Boltac throw his wand across the room.

“Ha!” cried Boltac as the wand spun through the air. Dimsbury sneered and raised his hand to launch another blast at the now-distracted Merchant. But as the wand flew toward Dimsbury, it suddenly veered off toward the jar on the dais, drawn inexorably to the Flame.

Boltac gaped. He’d seen the wand react in any number of disturbing ways to potent Magic. What it would do in the presence of its very source, he had no idea.

The wand dived into the jar, there was a wuffing sound, and the Flame snapped into sharp focus. The wand reached the heart of the Flame and stopped moving. Everything stopped moving.

Boltac ran to the dais. He swung Asarah off the side and lowered her to the ground. As he knelt to untie her, he felt rather than heard the high-pitched whine growing louder and louder, and a buzzing and clacking that raised the hair on the back of his neck. Looking up at the dais, he saw the Magic-detecting wand flying and whirling in the Flame, its brass tip chipping away at the inside of the jar.

“What have you done?” Dimsbury screamed. Then he realized he didn’t care. He threw his hands forward in a gesture of power that was certain to obliterate Boltac. But nothing happened.

Dimsbury looked at his hands, confused, and tried again. “STOP!” he commanded. Still, nothing happened. “What have you done?” he asked weakly.

Dimsbury turned toward the dais and the brilliant Flame trapped by the frenzied wand. The flow of Magic, yes, he thought, that’s what it had to be. The flow of Magic had been blocked. The pressure was building up behind it. Inside the illuminated jar the wand spun furiously, emitting the high-pitched, rising whine that dominated the room. If Dimsbury could stop the wand, unblock the flow. He reached out, trembling, and touched one fingertip to the protective jar.

Boltac threw himself over Asarah. “Stay down,” he shouted in her ear.

As Dimsbury’s finger brushed the surface of the jar, the glass shattered into a million fragments, each of those fragments shattering again with the force of the exploding Flame.

The explosion knocked everyone flat. So close to the dais, Boltac was spared the worst of the blast, Asarah safe beneath him. Samga, still surprised to have survived a bolt of lightning to his chest, had just risen to his hands and knees. He saw Dimsbury fly over his head, then the blast threw him across the room. He landed next to what was left of Relan. Even the Creeping Coins were flung about so violently they retracted into their glittering carapaces and pretended to be currency.

As Boltac raised his head, he heard a moan coming from Relan’s corpse. Wait! Moan? Not a corpse! Somehow Relan was still alive!?! “Too stupid to die?” Boltac asked. Then he searched in his tunic for the small lacquered box. His hands shook as he opened it. Within lay a tiny flask covered in ornately wrapped gold wire. No bigger than Boltac’s thumb, this vial looked as if it could contain no more than the amount of liquid found in a few tears.

Boltac looked at the heap of Relan. The blood soaked into his tunic was already turning brown. There was no color left in his face. The boy’s lips were blue, but still his chest rose and fell. How was it that he lived? Was this not another kind of Magic? The Magic of will alone?

“Kid,” Boltac said softly. “C’mon, kid.” He carefully removed the tiny top from the flask. With even more care, he lifted the tiny bottle to Relan’s blue and lifeless lips. Only the slightest flutter of air against Boltac’s fingers gave him any hope that the lad was still alive. Boltac doubted that there was enough liquid to do more than wet Relan’s tongue. There was scarcely a chance that this would work at all. But there was so little chance that any of this should work, so why not? Why not?

He tipped the bottle up and the few drops it contained disappeared into the cave of Relan’s mouth. Boltac reached up and grasped his charm necklace. He squeezed all of the many charms so hard they cut into the palm of his hand. Boltac prayed. As the charms cut into his palm and the facets and limbs of the main strange charms filled with his blood, Boltac prayed to everybody.

On the other side of the room, Dimsbury felt the tingle of power dance along his limbs again. The Magic was back! He sat up and exclaimed, “I will have power again.” Then he sneezed twice, not understanding the sharp pain that was shooting through his skull. And why did the room look different? Flatter? What was in front of his face? He brought his hand up and bumped something. The pain became excruciating. Dimsbury realized that the Merchant’s wand was lodged in his left eye. He collapsed back to the floor with the shock of it and lay there, hyperventilating. He tried to calm himself and think.

With his one good eye he could see what was left of the Flame, the Font of all Magic, guttering and flickering in the circle of jagged spikes that were all that remained of the massive glass jar. The Flame was about to go out. No, thought Dimsbury, this could not be! How could this Merchant–how could this fat, ignorant, money-grubbing aberration–stop a mighty Wizard like Alston Dimsbury? Did he know what a world without Magic would be like? Could such a thing even exist? For himself, and for the greater good, Dimsbury realized he must touch the Flame to restore his power, then somehow coax it back to a fuller life.

As he struggled to regain his feet, a shape appeared before him. Dimsbury looked up and saw Samga. The Orc held his chest with one hand and sagged in pain. Samga said, “Master,” because he didn’t have another name for the man who lay before him.

“Yes, Samga, my faithful servant after all. Thank goodness I did not strike you down. Please, help me,” said the Wizard, not entirely aware that he was begging.

“You made me strong,” said Samga.

“Samga, Samga. You are my finest work. All is forgiven, my creation. Bring your father closer to the Flame so that I may regain my power.”

Samga bent and picked up Dimsbury.

“Yes, good Samga. Brave Samga,” whispered Dimsbury, touching the wand in his eye gingerly.

Samga looked up at the circle of heads mounted on the wall. The broken and aborted things that had led to him. The trial and the error, the arrogant misuse of power in an attempt to craft life itself. Not for the first time, Samga wished that he had never been made.

“Yessss,” said Dimsbury. “Just a little closer. Let me dip my fingers in the torrent of Magic and then, and THEN!” Dimsbury was interrupted by a fit of coughing.

As his clacking steps took Samga closer to the flame, he lifted the Wizard high above his head.

“What? What are you doing Samga? Lower me! The Master commands!”

“The Servant does not obey!”

Samga threw the Wizard onto the sharpened teeth of the shattered jar. Dimsbury felt the teeth of glass bite deep into his stomach. Then there was a terrible, tearing noise. The Flame leapt up, again in perfect focus. With perfect hunger, it sucked greedily of Dimsbury’s blood. As Dimsbury screamed the flames turned white and leapt up as hungry as any non magical fire had ever been. Dimsbury continued to scream as power shot through him and raked the top of the chamber. The very earth around them shook and still the Wizard screamed.

The Flame folded in on itself. With a crunching of bones and a whimpering, the Wizard was folded up with it. His form flickered in the Magic light, tinier and tinier and tinier, until the Flame shrank to the flicker of a mere candle, and nothing remained of the Wizard.