WAKE UP, RICH…

“You know those days where you wake up naked, in a tub full of white goo, with power cables plugged into your nipples?”

“Yup, that’s me.”

“You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation…”

“Well, so am I.”

“I have no idea how I got here.”

“I just woke up. And started narrating.”

“To understand how I got here, we’re going to have to flashback to the beginning. *Rewinds to the Big Bang* No, not that far back! I meant to the beginning of last night. When I went to bed. *Rewinds to last night.* There I am. That is literally me. About to fall asleep. And then…”

“Too bad I can’t spontaneously generate flashbacks. That would be super useful right now."

"Unfortunately I’ve only experienced my life from crummy first-person perspective.”

“Which means that we're going to have to figure out how I got here the hard-normal way.”

“Ok. Step one in figuring out where I am... Where the Hell am I?”

“I’m in a room. I'm in a tub. There are cables plugged into my body and I'm floating in milk. I'm talking to myself. Well, to the cameras. There are cameras. That's why I'm talking to myself. I'm not insane. I just don’t know where I am."

"Classic."

"This is a classic ‘You Wake Up in a Room’ scenario.”

“Why is there a giant tub in the middle of this room? Is this a bathroom? I don’t think so. This room is really dark. I can just barely see the outlines of a computer on the messy desk in front of my tub. There’s words on the screen that say: 'WAKE UP, RICH…'”

“I guess that’s a clue. Annnnd the words just disappeared. Which probably means that me noticing the words, and reading the words, triggered their disappearance… which means someone is watching me. It feels like someone is watching me.”

“Probably because of all the cameras."

"There’s four cameras pointed at me, almost like I’m being filmed. And You are currently watching me. Whoever You are. Hi there, whoever You are that brought me here.”

"There's also a spotlight. The rest of the room is dark, but there's a spotlight on me and my tub."

“The cameras and the spotlight are probably why I’ve been narrating everything and cracking jokes, instead of quietly thinking to myself like a sane person. Could also be because of the terror.”

“Obviously the terror's part of it. But the cameras are the main reason why I’m narrating my thoughts out loud right now. Otherwise that would be crazy. You don’t just wake up in a room and start spouting unrealistic dialogue to yourself if you’re not being filmed and also in a state of sheer panic."

“Speaking of... this is a nice murder apartment you got here! Well, nice for murdering. Otherwise it's your stereotypical serial killer's bachelor apartment, although this tub of goo is notably larger than you’d usually find in a one-bedroom murder unit.”

“And it smells really good! Not at all like my impending death. I think it’s the unidentified sticky white substance I’m floating in. I'd say my murder tub's about half-full. Although now is probably not the best time to be ‘half-full optimistic’ about my situation. The freezer might be 'half-full' later on with my dismembered corpse, if you know what I mean.”

“Thankfully the tub’s lid is open so I can sit up. Theoretically I could just stand up and leave the room. Assuming there's a door somewhere. If I could find a way to safely pull all these wires out of my body...”

“Wait. Tubs don’t have lids. Well, hot tubs do, but this isn’t a hot tub. This isn’t your traditional murder-tub. If the lid was closed it would be more of a murder-tube, really. Which is like a tub with an E. It’s like an E-Tub. An Electronic Tub. With wires and blinking lights. Or possibly a vat. Perhaps a pod? For people? A person pod. A scientist's person pod for people that he grows specimens inside of. Or a fancy space-age cylindrical coffin. Or a giant robotic marshmallow. Or a technologically advanced cryogenic chamber with a bunch of wires that plug into your body. Or a sensory deprivation tank. It’s like I’m floating in a marshmallow-shaped sensory deprivation tank filled with marshmallow goo. Or a..."

"High tech Virtual Reality video game console... that’s plugged into my body… like a Virtual Reality Chamber from the future… a vat for VR.”

“An adult Virtual Reality Chamber, based on the giant contraption attached to my crotch. This is like a pornographic VR chamber vat.”

“Yeah, so the contraption is like a futuristic diaper accessory that's interfacing with my junk. It looks like a… you know… it has a large protruding cylinder… it’s in the shape of a, lets say, eggplant… over my… you know… my bulge… my manly appendage… my general penicular region… of my genitalsss.”

“There’s a blinking red light that sort of looks like a low battery signal and a lock with a keyhole and a fluid tube, that looks like it could be used for extracting... stuff... out of my thing. But it's it's probably just a pee tube, like a catheter, for collecting pee, and not anything else.”

“Let’s be honest; an untrained eye might say, if eyes could talk, that it appears that I just woke up in one of those futuristic VR Sex Pods. You know the ones? The ones from the future? That would probably look like this? The ones they’ll have in the future that don’t currently exist yet in 2024?"

"An untrained eye might declare that I’ve somehow been hooked up to the worlds most advanced VR porn pod. I can see how you might assume that. If you’re new here. In fact, that's what I am now assuming. But it couldn’t possibly actually be that… because…”

“…I got nothing…”

“Because that technology - this technology - doesn’t exist yet!”

“Right? Right."

"Hello? Is anyone even listening? What are all these cameras for if I’m not even being watched? Why am I even being watched. Why would anyone want to watch me?”

“And because VR has goggles! VR is goggles. Where are the goggles? I'm not wearing any goggles! Although I am wearing a big oversized puffy white marshmallow shaped helmet. But there's no goggles! Are you implying the goggles do nothing? Are you implying that the helmet and the... giant cable plugged into the base of my spine... and all the other cables plugged into my body... including my nipples... and this entire rest of this space-age pod are all somehow supposed to be used to beam the VR directly into my brain?”

"And because how did I even get here?"

“And because VR doesn’t involve WIRES DRILLED INTO YOUR FLESH PORTS.”

“I don’t recall plugging quite so many cables into my flesh ports when I went to sleep in my tube last night!”

“I didn’t even have flesh ports last night! Or a JO goon cave chamber tube full of an unidentified sticky white substance that’s not coming off my hands!”

“What is this stuff? It's like lard, or curdled milk. It's warm. Gluey. Gooey. It's viscous, kinda like honey or molasses. White hot sticky... honey. It’s not… it couldn't be... it isn’t what it looks like. That's gross. It’s sweet and sugary. I'm guessing! I didn't taste it! It's the smell! It smells really good! Like melted vanilla marshmallows. This entire place smells sweet. I’m not getting cum place scent."

"There’s even little floating chunks of mini-marshmallow floating in the boner broth. I mean bone broth! It smells good and that means it's not what you think it is... A rose by any other came... I mean name. But it does kinda look like a certain notorious white substance which I'm having trouble getting off... I mean getting over! Ay, there's the rub... not rub. Don't rub. I mean... tub? Ay, there's the tub. I’m laying in a tub full of… come on! I got it on my lip!”

“No, I’m not going to taste it. Well, any more of it. Why would you even suggest that I lick this... come off it!”

“What is this mysterious white goo? Come on… think…”

“Is it actually come”

“…pletely ridiculous for me to be thinking that this thick sticky white stuff I’m floating in could be anything other than come”

“…putationally important to this VR setup? Maybe this white goo is really hyper specialized reproductive mechanical biofluid acting as a substantiate substrate bridge for neurotransmitters to pass between biological organisms and mechalogical robonisms, to allow a flesh interface a stable interlinked neuralogical connectology, which allows a fully fledged mind-meld with my cranium and a stable Virturwillic Materiality within a, errrnn, Metal Gear, which beams the technology directly into my brainium stemium allowing me to corrporiate within a Artifishical Realitree? That or it's just cum."

"...bersome how my brain immediately jumps to outlandish scientific bullshit explanations when I'm obviously floating in a big vat full of my own come"

"...forting explanations about why I'm here. That’s a load on off my chest. Now I need to really think about why I'm come stuck"

"constructing... false explanations. I need to despunk... debunk all the lies and find a seed of truth. I should be decumstructing what's happening to me so I can generate an explanation that isn't that I'm laying in a malfunctioning VR machine that's been mercilessly milking my coming-dick”

“…comedic sense of humor. This is all just obviously come.”

“…dy. How else could I even possibly shoot out such a massive volume of come”

“…binations of inappropriate dick jokes. Aaaahhh, I’m coming!”

“…up blank as to how I else could be generating such a massive amount of come”

“…mentary about all this. Which is why I am now going to stop making sperm.”

“…mutations of the same joke over and over. Speaking of sperm-mutations… I hope this come isn't mutated toxic nuclear nut. You'd have to be a real jerk... I mean a real cumbag - scumbag - to kidnap me like this. I mean how would you even pull this off?”

“Ok. Serious time. I need to stop making jokes before I pass the point of no return.”

“No jokes. I need to figure out who cumspired to do this to me."

"Where am I? It's on the tip of my… tongue. This white goo isn't important. I don't need to know what it is. I really need to do is come to some important come clues.”

“…sions. Something jizzed keeps brineing my attention back to how this tub full of sticky white slime could possibly be important. This white goo could be a white goo clue. Why I can’t stop thinking about this sticky white stuff? I need to stop thinking about it, because it’s just clearly come.”

“…batting my ability to focus on what’s important. What’s important is where I am and what’s happening to me. And what this baby batter is. Ok. You know what. I’m just gonna admit that it’s come.”

“To my attention that it doesn’t matter. I don’t need more information. I need less. That doesn’t make any sense, but it doesn’t matter why I woke up here and what this white sticky substance is, and why my junk is hooked up into in a futuristic VR pleasure fleshlight. I was probably kidnapped! I need to get out of here ASAP. Emphasis on the sap. Unless this really is a VR sex game. If it is, then I would very much want to play it. Then ASAP stands for: Ass Soon. Ass Possible."

"Is that why I'm distracted? Because I want to get laid in VR?"

"Because I want the pump attached to my dick to suck out my..."

"Would a hose by any other name would suck just as sweet?"

"Here I am focusing on what this white substance is called, rather than what it does. What matters is the substance of this substance, not it’s name, but what it’s used for, what its purpose is, what it means. Maybe it's snake oil, maybe it's oil from my snake. Maybe it's conversion gel that can be used to enter a portal into a fantastical VR sex game with robots, maybe it's not. Maybe I'm laying in a vat of my own cum, maybe I'm not. Maybe the pump attached to my dick schlorps my knob and extracts buckets of my semen while I have hyper-realistic sex in VR, maybe it doesn't. There's no point in debaiting what the the exact name of this substance is. What matters is what it's used for. Otherwise I could be here all day, arguing over semen-dicks!"

“Semantics. I need to get some action... take some action! Maybe it's safe for me to play the VR sex game? If I just lay here wondering where I am, and how I got here, and if I'm laying in my own cum, then I'm never going to get any sex...planations. If I don't take action then I'm just going to keep thinking circles. First, I'm going to think about what this thick gooey white substance is, and then I’ll try not to think about how thick and sticky and cum-like it is, and how there's a pump with a tube attached to my dick, but that'll only make me think about how it looks like I'm laying in my own cum even more!”

“It’s a viscous cycle.”

“Doesn't matter if this is cum. I don't care. I'm placated. I’m officially cum-placated.”

“Ok. No more jokes. Don’t make things any more cumplex… life's like this. That's the way it is.”

“Why'd you have to go and make things so cum-placated?”

“Ahhhh! This is all come!”

“…ing out wrong. This is disgusting. Why am I talking about cum? Making cum jokes? It’s inappropriate. It’s just cheap humor because this stupid goo looks like cum! This is all your fault, you dick! No... that isn't fair. It's a poor craftsman that blames his tool. These jokes are blow me... below me. It’s not ok for me to make cum jokes. I’d need a cum pass for that.”

“A cum pass. Because I need to be pointed in the right erection. Direction. I’ve got to examine my surroundings and figure out why I’m here and find a way out of this vat full of cum and I haven’t even properly examined all the come.”

“puter stuff in front of me. Ok. There’s a messy desk piled high with trash and computer equipment. It looks like old computer equipment from the 90's. This room is giving me hacker/hoarder vibes. Although not necessarily just a computer hacker, possibly also a serial killer that hacks up peoples bodies. And then hoards them. And then hacks into them, by plugging their body parts into a computer.”

“This feels fake. It feels like a movie. Not just because there are cameras… this entire situation feels like a setup.”

“The words ‘WAKE UP, RICH…’ feel artificial. Like the start of a game or a movie. They're also familiar… I’m feeling… deja vu.”

“There’s a certain sense of deja vu about this whole… everything that’s happening. Even the part about waking up in a tub full of some gross unidentified fluid.”

“Even this room seems familiar, even though I can’t see much of it. I'm anxious but it still feels like good memories have been formed in this room. Which makes sense if this is my Goon Cave and I have my own personal VR Sex Pod.”

“Why am I feeling deja vu if I can’t remember where this is?”

“I suppose that is the entire point of deja vu; remembering something without remembering it. Deja vu is the feeling that you should be able to remember something, but you currently can’t.”

"Did I lose my memory? I hope I'm backed up. I am backed up. I hope I'm the good kind of backed up in the VR game."

“This sure does feel like the start of a video game... or possibly a movie.”

“I woke up in a strange room. I suppose that’s a regular occurrence in video games and movies.”

“But I think I actually saw this room before. I just need to remember where.”

“Maybe I saw this room in a video game or a movie? Which one? If this was an opening cutscene… I’d wake up and put my hands on my hips and say ‘Looks like it’s gonna be one of those days.'"

Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.

“What those days means in this case; that remains to be seen, but thee day I’m having is definitely one of them, whatever they are.”

“If this was a story, the main character wouldn't be talking about cum. Obviously. The main character would immediately pull out all these wires dug into their skin. Which isn't the worst idea in the world maybe. Instead I’m going to carefully poke at a raised bump of flesh surrounding one of my metallic nipple ports. The skin around the cable plugged into my chest feels numb, like I’m poking plastic. The metal ports where my nipples used to be remind me of those TV input connector hole ports, except my body is the TV. Or like I'm a potato battery powering the VR vat. I’m imagining a gigantic metallic prong on the end of each plug burrowing into a gaping metal hole carved into my chest. Cool.”

“For the record, I also think the nipple seems like a weird place to put an adapter port.”

“I want to yank it."

"The wires. I want to yank the wires out.”

“But that would be stupid. I probably shouldn’t do that. I shouldn't do anything. Like drinking this delicious white…”

“I shouldn't do any things until I’ve fully assessed the situation. Even though the situation is clearly not good, I don’t want to make it worse. I’ve actually been doing a pretty good job of doing nothing. Except talking. So pat on the back of my metal spine cables for that.”

“There are a lot more metal ports and wires all over my body; my arms, my legs, a massive cable JAMMED INTO THE BASE OF MY SPINE at back of my skull.”

“To be clear, none of these were in my body yesterday.”

“I definitely don’t remember hooking myself up into this pod to play a porn VR video game.”

“I should probably try and think more about how I could’ve realistically ended up here.”

“I don’t remember anything unusual happening last night. I was just playing video games and watching TV until I went to bed. Like usual.”

“And I woke up here.”

“Ok. Theory time. The computer said: Wake Up, Rich. So what if I just woke up. Now we're getting somewhere! I mean, like, what if I just woke up, woke up... like woke up from a VR simulation… like really woke up. Like woke up from what I thought was real reality but it was really all a VR simulation...”

"Ok, that is an incredibly disturbing thought that I don't want to think about. Action steps. What do?“

"That's a legitimate question to anyone listening if you'd like to answer me. I'm legit asking the question 'What I should do next?' into the camera right now. Also why are there cameras?"

“Is anyone even listening? Can I get a record scratch and freeze frame up in here?”

"I'm gonna have to settle for a Dramatic Turn and a 'Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there.'"

"Begin transmission. Start the tape here. Ignore the earlier parts. To whoever’s watching me right now, Hi. I appear to have woken up in a vat of unremarkable white goo. Do any of you know why woke up in this vat of completely ordinary white goo? Detective Rich asking the important questions to an empty room full of inanimate objects. I guess a camera isn't that inanimate as far as objects go. Cameras convey animations and sounds, and obviously I'm talking to the animate humans that you're conveying information to… as you can imagine I’m a little flustered. Earlier I went on a late night show style monologue entirely about cum."

"I still have no idea where I am, or why I’m here, or what I should be doing about any of this. I should be doing something smart. I want to be smart. I don't like the idea that the people torturing/watching me right now are complaining about how stupid I'm being. Unfortunately I had no idea how to be smarter than I am. I will start by officially asking for help to anyone currently watching me on a live feed.”

"No response, huh? Don't get up. I'm fine. I'll figure out what's happening. I could try and disconnect these wires and explore the room now… that's the obvious plan. But I don’t actually know if I need to select the ‘Safely Remove Nipple Device and Eject Hardon’ option first before I can remove this Cum Extractor attached to my junk. Unfortunately the computer is out of reach.”

"I can start yanking out wires later. For now, I appear to be in no immediate imminent danger. I can just relax. It’s like a day at the spa! The disgusting spa where they kidnap you. Actually, I’m probably too relaxed right now. If anything, I’m not freaking out enough! Let’s hit that middle road. Not too relaxed. Not too freaking out. Let's think things through, starting with the basics. It seems like I woke up from playing an advanced VR simulation. If this is a movie then my entire real life was a lie lived within that simulation. That is dumb. Did I take drugs? Or was I kidnapped while I was sleeping? I don’t feel that drugged! But I do feel kidnapped. I'm feeling deja vu about being trapped and kidnapped and waking up in a new place… where is this room from?”

“I will figure this out. I will remember this room, even if it kills me - scratch that, I would prefer this room didn’t kill me. I will remember this room… even if it… it’s never been seen before by me! Because that is totally how memories work! Ok, let's speed this up. You can probably fast forward a bit to the part where I remember where I've seen this room before, or you can try and remember alongside with me at home!"

"Somewhere inside me thinks it remembers this room. Although maybe, I’m hysterically generating false memories because I recognize this type of scenario.”

"The cameras do have me thinking in a certain direction. A movie direction. This is the type of room you’d except a movie character to wake up in. At the start of a movie. You know movies, right? This is totally like the start of movie, right? Where the Hero Victim wakes up in Vat of Goo in front of an Old Computer that says ‘WAKE UP, (VICTIM’S NAME)…’ and they have no idea how they got there and they start freaking out and they’re like ‘Oh crap, I just woke up in a vat of goo with no memories! Where am I? What’s happening? Who am I? This is just like one of those horror movies where a person wakes up in a vat of goo and then they’re all like: Record Scratch. Yup. That’s me. I woke up in a vat of goo. I bet you’re wondering how I got in this situation.’ So unrealistic. What a bunch of losers, panicking over being kidnapped. In real life you’d be totally calm waking up in strange room, in a vat of goo, covered in wires. Haha. Right? Seriously though, where am I? What’s happening? Who am I? I appear to be a 30-ish year old human male and - I’m just messing with you. My memory is fine. I think. I remember that my name is Rich. Richard Dick. That is kind of a suspicious name to have though. I also remember… some of my childhood… and… I dunno… learning to drive? My memories are fine. Except for the part where I ended up here. I do have memories. But not memories of how I got here. Definitely don’t recall that part. Last thing I remember is going to sleep and then *BAM* I woke up! Crazy, right? Except I woke up here. It’s like I teleported into this vat of goo in the middle of the night. Seriously though, to the person who kidnapped me and put me in this vat of goo, who’s currently watching me on these cameras; well done. Bravo. You outdid yourself with this kidnapping. Unless I actually was playing a VR porn game? Is this my goon cave? Are these even video cameras? Maybe they're actually body scanners for my VR avatar? Note to self: this VR setup may cause memory loss. What do the people in horror movies usually do when they wake up in strange rooms? I feel like talking to the camera and trying to be entertaining is not what I should be doing. But then the audience wouldn't know what I was thinking...”

"But usually characters in movies don’t talk directly to the camera. Or immediately turn and stare into the camera and launch into long meta commentaries about ‘Haha, the situation I’m in sure does appear to be like that of a horror movie and this white fluid looks like CUM.’ Why is that? Because most movies are bad. Lol. This certainly does feel like a horror movie though. It feels like a cheap bullshit horror movie that I woke up inside of. Maybe I should act more like a horror movie protagonist…"

"If I was a character in a horror movie, what should I be doing? Hmmm… horror movies… horror movie protagonists… are possibly the worst possible Heroic Figure to try and model my actions after… horror movie protagonists are famously known for their propensity to Suck And Die. And the only movie I can remember right now is Forrest Gump. I know it’s not a horror movie, but I watched it a lot as a kid. What would Forrest Gump do in this situation? He would say ‘Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when someone is gonna open the lid and eat you. Jenny.’ I hope no one consumes me. You know what, Forrest Gump would just be chill and do stuff and have a good attitude and everything would work out fine! Ok, my memory definitely still works and I still have ability to perform simple cognitive tasks like recognizing patterns and remembering movies. Unlike those chumps that wake up in horror movies with no memory. And those Gumps with learning disabilities… ok… Forrest Gump is probably not the best good role model! And that's all I have to say about that. Jenny.”

"It would be nice to if I could think of someone much smarter than me and imagine what they'd do in my situation and then do whatever they'd do. Unfortunately movie protagonists are all fictional morons that wake up in strange rooms and then have to saw their own legs off. Losers. Well guess what, you'll be more sympathetic when it happens to you."

"Why does it feel like a serial killer kidnapped me even though no one is currently torturing me? It must be that all these cameras and the outlandish situation, making me think up RIDICULOUS THEORIES. My brain is generating the most pessimistic possible theories. So I can be prepared if a serial killer shows up. My brain is trying to keep me safe."

"Safety. If you wake up in a scary situation you want to make sure that you are safe. And also figure out what’s happening. So you can be more safe. And not die. You make sure you’re not going to immediately die and then get more safe. I appear to be somewhat safe, for now. That’s not really that true, is it? I have wires jammed into my body. So then, Mr. Brain, if you’re so smart, figure out what’s happening. Less complaining, more explaining."

"In real life, a serial killer wouldn’t do something this weird. Would they? In real life it's statistically unlikely that you ever get kidnapped, let alone kidnapped and put in a weird fake VR chamber room with a spotlight you. So why is this whacky vat of goo here? And why does this room feel so familiar; the messy desk, the hacker equipment, the old computer, the futuristic VR vat full of goo... It’s like I recognize this room, but I definitely haven’t actually been here before…"

"Or I’m being an idiot, and ignoring the obvious interpretation that this really is a VR Sex Pod that I was using… that I don’t remember getting into because why? The chip implanted into my brain malfunctioned and gave me temporary amnesia? That does explain the deja vu. It's from my old memories."

"Maybe this really is the future, and this is my apartment, and have some sort of half-amnesia or brain damage? That sure is a lot of amnesia necessary for that explanation to make sense. Is there an explanation that doesn’t involve amnesia? There's still the 'I thought I was living in the real world but it was actually a video game simulation that I just woke up from.'”

"If what I thought was my real life was actually a VR video game simulation… and where I am now is really real life... what does that even mean? My life on Earth in 2024, was part of a simulation. My entire life, the life I thought I had on Earth, was a lie. It was all a video game I was a playing inside this VR vat. But why? I was playing a VR video game called ‘EARTH’ as the human ‘RICH’ and I just woke up in the real world. So this vat of goo is like a hyper-realistic VR video game pod, and I thought I was the human Rich in the year 2024. And all of that was a just a video game. But that's just a theory. A game theory."

"So then this is like the future and I was just playing a video game where I thought I was Rich. Like Life of Roy from Rick and Morty. I guess that means my entire life was… not really real? But then why don't I remember entering the simulation or anything about this layer of reality? Shouldn't I have known what I was gonna get? Maybe life really is like a box of chocolates. I was a piece of chocolate. And someone finally opened the lid and disconnected me from the simulation.”

"Does that make any sense? Why was I playing a VR game where I was a loser? There should be simulation instructions for what simulation I’m gonna get. I should be able to adjust the simulation settings. And have a better simulated life than the crappy life I lived. Clearly I’m a loser in this level of reality too since I woke up in this scummy scumbag room filled with bags of scum. Who am I even talking to? If any of that’s true, then I wasn’t kidnapped, and nobody is watching me on these cameras right now. I’m filming myself for some reason. But then why are there like, 4 different cameras set up to film me? And a spotlight? This explanation… is making very little sense… because I don’t have any memories of my real life on this level of reality. And why is my body the same as it was within the simulation? Shouldn’t I be older, or a completely different person, or an alien? I am still feeling deja vu even though, even though I’m pretty sure I just wildly made all that up. Still no idea what’s going on. But good theory! Very creative!”

"Why does the explanation that: ‘My entire life was a lie and I’ve been living inside a simulation’ give me such extreme deja vu? Is it just the correct answer? Forget how outlandish it sounds. If this was a movie, and I was using story logic, that would probably be the correct explanation. If a person in movie wakes up in a strange room like this… obviously they would’ve just woken up from a simulation. Or they were kidnapped. But how would I know without a lot more evidence? Stupid movie explanations don’t apply in real life! Even when you wake up in strange rooms with wires drilled into your nips! You can’t just believe outlandish things because of mere evidence! I'd need more evidence. So no, I don’t think I’ll be believing that my entire life on Earth wasn't real me and that it was just me playing a video game inside a VR Sex Pod. I would need incontrovertible proof. That seems like a mature, realistic, outlook that a real person who’s not a fictional character, like myself, would have."

"Yep. I’m definitely real, and not simulated, or an NPC, or a character in a movie, or anything like that. Take that, fictional characters that immediately jump to ridiculous conclusions! There's going to be a simple explanation for everything that's happening. I’m actually kind of crushing it! I’m surprised I’m not more terrified. A real person would probably be more terrified in this situation. If they woke up in this goon cave, laying in a vat of goo with no good explanations. No good explanations, just goo explanations, and goon explanations. Heh. Realistically, a fictional character would probably not be as concerned as a real person would be. They would be less concerned for their safety because they aren’t real. But I am scared! Therefore I’m real! I can feel my balls shrinking due to fear! I shrink therefore I am!"

"A character in a story would probably be more focused on moving the plot along. I’m definitely not doing that! It doesn’t seem like there’s much plot happening at all! This is just the vagina monologues but like a male version. If there is a plot it’s meandering and pointless so far! Let's keep it that way! A fictional character would’ve probably just started unplugging wires so they could explore this room and use the computer or something.“

"And if this were a movie, I definitely wouldn't be thinking all my thoughts out loud. He said into the camera. In a movie you have characters talking to each other to break up the action scenes. You can’t just have a protagonist talking to themself. And I’m funny! And smart! And ugly! Characters in horror movies aren’t this funny or smart or ugly! Characters in horror movies are boring and stupid and attractive. I’m scared… and well I'm not that stupid.”

"I really should try and figure out how to escape this room rather than assure myself I’m real. What would an intelligent person do in my position? They would try and escape. They would call for help! Duh. After an appropriate amount of time of panicking. The first thing you do in any emergency is immediately call 911 for help. Using a phone, which I don’t have because I’m naked in a tube. Huh, I’m also getting a weird sense of deja vu about phones… or the concept of a phone being used as a tool to escape bad situations… like if I could use a phone it would immediately get me out of this room? It must be that characters - I mean people - real people like me, trapped in bad situations can use phones to call for help and leave bad situations…"

"Deja vu. Deja vu. Deja vu about using phones, and this room, and being trapped, and waking up naked in tubs full of goo, and deja vu about... deja vu? Ok, now the concept of deja vu is giving me deja vu. Why am I feeling deja vu about the concept of deja vu? Is that a clue? A deja vu clue? Or am I going insane? Why am I feeling deja vu about pretty much everything that’s happening to me, up to, and including, the concept of feeling a sense of deja vu? Is the concept of deja vu somehow related to this room I’m in? That’s stupid. Ok, clearly my sense of deja vu has been fried. Fried like Fry from Futurama, who gets frozen in a cryogenic chamber and wakes up in the future... Stop! I’m seeing meaning and patterns everywhere! This whole situation is so weird. I must be feeling a sense of derealization. Like everything around me is fake, and I’m a character in a story that woke up from a simulation, wondering what’s real or not… ok that’s giving me deja vu too."

"Let’s generate some useful deja vu. Some deja vu about answers. Some deja vu about some mysterious character showing up to explain what’s happening and rescuing me from this situation! Ok, yeah, no, that feels familiar too.“

"Ok. Start with the most basic feeling of deja vu, not the fancy confusing deja vu’s. This room. Where have I seen this room before? There’s junk scattered all over the desk. It’s mostly an array of… stereotypical movie hacker equipment, that you’d spread around a desk to make sure that the audience knew that this room’s occupant was a hacker. We’ve got keyboards, an old printer, a stereo system, CDs, floppy disks, a blocky computer that looks like from the 90’s, an old analog 90’s phone… Wait. There's an old analog push 90’s push button phone?"

"Clearly I woke up in an antique shop!"

"Kidding."

"Clearly I’ve travelled back in time!"

"Kidding again."

"Seriously though, if I can get to that old phone, I could potentially use it as a kind of primitive communication device to call for help!"

”Some part of me feels like it’s not going to work. Still it would be dumb not to try. Unfortunately I can’t quite reach the desk at the moment due to the rather large amount of wires plugged into to me. I suppose it's time to start carefully trying to disconnect them. Although… obviously if I was kidnapped, and someone is currently watching me on these cameras, then there’s no way that phone is gonna work.”

"It still feels like I was kidnapped. And my captor is watching me on these cameras. Ok, feeling another sense of deja vu about being watched by mysterious unknown forces. I mean obviously I’m being watched. There are cameras.… but my stupid slutty brain is authenticating every sexy scrap of evidence to generate random nonsensical explanations."

"Maybe my kidnapper is making a movie about torturing me?"

"Let's just quickly review the evidence one more time:"

"I'm feeling deja vu about a bunch of stuff. This room, movies, escaping…“

"I woke up in a tub full of goo."

"Old computer stuff from the 90's or early 2000's"

"A hacker lives here."

"Constraints keeping me from leaving."

"Strange message telling what to do."

"Feels like I'm being watched and manipulated."

"Surreal atmosphere blurring the lines between real and unreal."

"Feels like this entire situation is a setup. Like all of this is staged."

"I need to escape this room. I'm trapped, and I need to leave."

"I recognize this room from a movie. Throw that explanation in the pile. But I don’t know which one. It’d probably be an older movie based on the 90’s props. Ok. Think. It would be a movie about a dude who wakes up in a messy room in a slimy tub full of goo and people are secretly monitoring him and he’s getting strange messages telling him what to do… and he’s a hacker. Or getting hacked in this hacker room…. hacker room… hacker room… like a room where people get hacked to pieces. And this definitely feels like a mystery horror movie. I am in a horror movie and I’m going to be murdered! What horror movie is it though? Still not sure, but it’s on the tip of my tongue. I know I saw this movie before… It’s something bad. I’m scared. I need to leave. What am I doing? Why am I being so dumb? I need to leave!”

“I need to run. Why am I being so dumb? I need to RUN!”

RUN…

"Did I cause that by saying run? That’s ominous. I want to run! Why would anyone want to kidnap me? I mean, I do know how to drive, and that’s pretty impressive, but… maybe they want me to be a getaway driver when they rob a bank… someone's messing with my head. Someone's playing mind games... hold that stupid thought, the computer is slowly typing more words out, letter by letter…"

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME?

"No! No, I don’t want to play a game! I want to leave! I want to live!“

"Wait. I know that line… ‘Would you like to play a game?’ I saw that movie. I SAW that movie. Saw.”

"The movie I saw was Saw. I’m in Saw. I woke up inside the movie… Saw?”

"Someone put me in the movie Saw. A movie about a guy waking up in a dark disgusting room in a tub full of gross liquid and realizing he’s been kidnapped. And the maniac kidnapper toys with his victims, sending them messages, making them play games in his little escape room simulations. And he records his victims on hidden cameras, and they can’t escape until they solve his shitty puzzles and mutilate their bodies."

"Yup, this sure seems a lot like Saw, alright!”

"And those little circular metal objects scattered all over the desk aren't CD's… those must be tiny saws!"

"I'm going to have to saw my own dick off to escape. I'm going to have to eject my floppy dicks and use CD's to saw deez nuts off."

"I’m obviously being watched by someone INSANE who kidnapped me and CHLOROFORMED ME in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT and DRILLED HOLES IN MY CHEST and drove METAL PRONGS INTO MY NIPS and built a FAKE VR SEX POD PORN VIDEO GAME and attached a DEADLY BEAR-DICK-TRAP CONTRAPTION to my DICK that will CUT MY DICK OFF and also MAKE MY DICK EXPLODE when I try to remove it BECAUSE NOW MY DICK IS RIGGED TO EXPLODE! AND YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME PLAY A DEADLY REAL LIFE VIDEO GAME WHERE I HAVE TO PAINFULLY PULL OUT THESE WIRE HOOKS JAMMED INTO MY BODY WITHIN THE TIME LIMIT AND THEN CHOOSE BETWEEN SAWING OFF MY DICK TO ESCAPE THE ROOM BEFORE THE POISON EXPLODING GAS EXPLODES MY DICK!"

"Why?"

"What did I possibly ever do to deserve any of this?"

"You're teaching me a lesson."

"It's because I wasted my life."

"You're trying to get me to appreciate life."

"And appreciate my dick."

"And also punish me for..."

"You're punishing me for the Sin of Sloth. For playing too many video games. That's why this place looks like a VR masturbatorium. Because I watched too much porn and jerk off. That’s what I was doing last night before you kidnapped me. Watching porn and jerking off."

"Because I’m disgusting."

"And I wasted my life."

"And I jerk off."

"And I'm a virgin."

"And because... I stole a girl's bra and panties and used them to masturbate."

"I deserve this."

"I deserve to be tortured."