“Hide!” Terry said, but as they looked around at the twisted trees which dotted the vast plain, they saw that there was absolutely nowhere to hide. Instead, both drew their weapons as the massive creature strolled towards them with a horrible thundering sound.

“Welllll,” he roared. “What have we here? Two little morsels that look perfect for my dinner.”

In a flash, he scooped up both of them in a giant fist and strode off. They stabbed at his hand uselessly with their weapons, and he roared in response.

“Stop it!” he said. “Or I will crush you both. That hurts,” he added plaintively.

Then he took his long strides forward, moving closer and closer to the mountains of the north, until they reached his great and ugly castle, made of rock. He stomped through the front door and tossed the two on his giant table.

“Eh, wife!” he said. “Take these two and put them in the pen. I want to eat them fresh later.”

His wife, as huge and ugly as he was, came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on an apron. “What have you brought us, husband?” she asked brightly, then said, “Oh. Humans. You know I prefer deer.”

“You’ll eat it and like it!” the giant roared.

“I will not,” his wife replied. “I’ll go eat at my father’s house!”

“Oh,” the giant roared. “So you’d rather eat with him than your own husband!”

They continued on like this for some time, shouting in their giant voices over the table while Gregor and Terry sat in the middle, next to a shaker of salt.

“Reminds me of my childhood,” Gregor murmured in Terry’s ear, under the din.

“I think I’d rather be eaten than hear this awful quarrel,” Terry added.

The wife scooped them up, then, in her raw hand and threw them into a cage that hung on a hook in the back of the kitchen.

“There!” she screamed. “There’s your fresh, gamy meat. You can eat it and choke on it. I’m going home.”

“This is your home,” the giant roared after her, but she stomped out the front door and was gone.

The cage was made of wooden bars, and hay covered the floor. It stank to high heaven. The whole castle stank, really. The giant seemed to forget they were there. He stomped about muttering for some time, then sat in a chair and poured himself a great tankard of ale. Then another. Soon he began to sing in a hoarse, drunken voice.

The life of a giant

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

Is not an easy life

Especially when the giant

Takes himself a giant wife

There were several more verses, each one more ribald than the last, until Terry hardly knew what he was talking about and Gregor wouldn’t look her in the eye. There were also several more tankards of ale. Then the old giant dropped his head and slept.

“Quick!” Terry hissed. “Let’s see if we can saw through these bars!”

Her rapier did little, but Gregor’s sword was far more effective. Soon they had hacked enough of a hole to climb through.

“Let’s go,” Terry said.

“Go where?” Gregor asked. “We’re too far off the floor! We’ll never survive the jump.”

“We’ve got to swing the cage,” Terry said. “Then we can jump onto the counter there, and climb down.”

To the sound of the giant’s massive snores, the two of them ran to one side of the cage, then the other. It was Gregor’s weight that really got them going. Soon the cage was swinging mightily from its hook, the rope straining.

“You first,” Gregor said, and Terry leaped. She hung in the air for a horrible instant, reaching out her arms like she was diving into a pool. She landed with a thud on her stomach on the giant’s kitchen counter, covered in crumbs. Then she stood up, brushed herself off, and gestured madly to Gregor to make the jump.

The cage made one wild swing towards the counter, and Gregor threw his sword across. One more swing, and threw his shield. Both landed safely, and their clatter, while loud to Terry’s ears, could not cut through the noise of the giant’s snores. Finally, Gregor perched at the edge of the cage—and jumped!

For one sickening moment, Terry was sure that he was not going to make it. But he just managed to grasp onto the edge of the kitchen counter, and with much tugging, Terry lifted him onto the surface. They both lie face up for a moment, panting. Then a change in the giant’s snoring pattern made them freeze into place.

He started, rumbled, and lifted his head, then placed it down again and continued snoring.

“We’ve got to get of here, fast,” Gregor hissed.

Quickly, they shimmied down the kitchen counter, wrapping their arms and legs around the corner and sliding until they reached the stone floor. Then they carefully walked across the floor, in full view of the hideous giant, had he been awake. But he slept on.

Each step was agony, but in spite of herself, Terry’s hopes rose as they neared the doorway that separated the kitchen from the great front room of the castle. They crossed to the far wall, then saw that they only needed to walk about 100 steps along the wall to make it to the doorway. The giant slept next to the doorway, on the other side. They walked single file, along the molding, which came up to their waist.

Terry wrinkled her nose. In spite of the stench of the castle, it was, for some reason, far stenchier as they walked along the wall.

“God, this place reeks,” she thought to herself, looking around to figure out why it was so much stinkier right where they were. Gregor walked in front. Suddenly he stopped, and Terry ran right into his back. A largeish hole in the wall stretched from the floor to some few feet above their heads, and a warm draft of air came out of it. The draft was the source of the smell. Gregor turned back to Terry. He made a scrunched up face, then put the palm of his hand over his nose. In spite of the danger, Terry almost laughed as she nodded and made the same gesture.

As they were about to continue walking, the giant snorted again, shaking and rumbling, then muttering. They froze, backs flat against the wall, as he lifted his massive head, and shook himself awake.

“Hm, now, time for a snack,” he muttered to himself.

Then he saw the empty cage and roared with rage!

“Their tiny weapons!” he said, gnashing his teeth. “Their stupid, tiny weapons! I should have taken them away! That damn woman and her quarreling!”

He stomped and stamped to the cage and shook it in his anger, then looked wildly around the kitchen. But his two morsels were nowhere to be seen!

“Where did you go?” he shouted to the heavens, and the castle shook with his cries.