EPISODE 2 PART 1: THE SELF-FULFILLING PROPHESIZED HERO

Last time on The Main Character: an assailant chased after me and I’m killed by a bike. What, not comprehensive enough for you? Well then, maybe you should have been supporting my debut, asshole! Anyways, back to the show.

Where the hell is Bowtan!? She’s supposed to come out and make me a spirit detective by now! When I die in my dreams, she always comes. And then I become an action hero out of nowhere, just like Yusuuke. Damn it Bowtan, where are you? She isn’t coming, is she? Then I really am dead. Run over by a bicycle, what a let-down. How could Main Character die like this? I’m supposed to get killed by some bad ass OP misanthrope and then I’m supposed to come back in the next episode with demon powers. Ugh, whatever...cue the opening.

I look into the sunlight. Shit, I got run over by a bike. And now I’m running from an assailant fruitlessly…fruitlessly. Now there’s a slide show of a bunch of people I still don’t know. And now I know that none of them will ever join my team. God Damnit! Then my hand is reaching out to the sky. Grasping for life! Now all the villains are taking up my screen-time! And that son of a bitch isn’t even there! But then I jump in and spontaneously combust! I’m now clenching my fist on top of a mountain of graves. Holy shit those are the graves of my classmates. I’m then knocked back and then I get run over by that stupid f’ing bike! I then get sliced to ribbons by Assailant. Yeah, that’s his name. No matter what, I am dead. And there is only one reason why. It’s because of that bastard guy! He killed The Main Character! Me me me! The Main Character! Hell no! I’m The Main Character and now I’m dead!

Alright, now what? A black void, really? The prequel was right? Damn it! Wait, in the distance I can see a light. So there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I stand up and run towards it. I then realize it’s a train.

Shit!

I turn around and run the opposite way. But it’s too late. It smashes right into me, killing me a second time.

Well, at least it’s cooler than a bike.

Oh my God, I’m being materialized. I’m arriving in another world. And I’m freaking naked. There’s a big black ball in front of me with something written on it: “Your life is over you bastards. Now it belongs to me. So, there you have it”.

Oh great, I’m having the Gantzo dream again.

After telling me to kill Kananade, the Angel Beasts alien, the ball opens up and reveals a rack of guns. I take the gun and aim it at the sleeping guy inside the ball. His head blows up. I really need to have some free domain dreams or my viewers will get lost.

My eyes shoot open and the assailant is hovering over me. He takes a thermometer out of my mouth and lets out a sigh of relief.

Great. This dream is even weirder than the last one!

The creature held its forehead. “You almost gave me a heart attack. I hardly killed you in time. You should rest, space-time-matter-gravity-dimension travel can be rather stressful.”

I swear, the spiky stars in the black void of his face became less jagged.

“Good morning, Main!” exclaims Stalker, right on top of my lap. Her sparkly drool lands right on my bare chest.

Wasn’t she dead? Oww, that hurts so much!

I try to curse at her, but words just came out in a jumble.

“So nurse, will he be okay?” asks Best Friend in the corner, slitting his wrist.

There he is. With those gorgeous caring crimson eyes! I don’t want this dream to end!

“My husband will be fine. Dying can be stressful but thankfully none of the wounds he suffered are fatal. He just needs rest and some tlc,” says Stalker with that same airy smile. She wipes her drool-soaked hand up my arm.

This girl is freaking nuts! Wait, why does her saliva actually feel good?

I turn my head to Best Friend, trying to say something, but all I can do is open and close my mouth like a freaking fish!

Best Friend turns away from me with flushed cheeks.

Seeing me so pitiful must be an embarrassment. But when he looks so vulnerable like that my mind can’t help but wander.

“You need to rest,” says Stalker, drooling in my mouth and dispelling my fantasy.

This is ridiculously weird. Even as a fan of Mysterious Girl X, I do not approve of this!

Assailant places a stool on the ground and stands atop it.

This guy has no social graces.

“Listen, I owe you all an apology. I’m a broad-spectrum assailant. I’m no good at taking out single targets,” says Assailant, covering his flustered face.

“Are you kidding. You did a great job, poppa! You didn’t even kill everyone in the whole school. It was only a classroom of casualties. When you first became an assailant, you killed a whole city’s worth of people and you let the hero get away!” she exclaims before giggling childishly.

Assailant joins in the laughing as well. Best Friend then joins the laughing train, freaking me out with his demonic cackling. I leap on at the last moment, letting out a very frightened awkward chuckle.

Even metaphorical trains are unsettling to me. The only exception being the Cole train!

“Dwelling on your failures will only hold you back,” says Best Friend, looking miserable.

Wait! My arm!

I look to my side to see I haven’t become a handicapable hero.

I feel more confused than when I first finished Evengelion! What just happened? And why do I feel like this is real? Real or not, everyone is looking at me. Even as a dying patient I seize the spotlight! I am so freaking awesome.

“You probably want to know what’s going on, don’t you?” asks Best Friend, abruptly looking up at me. His shimmering blood red eyes were staring deep into my bright hazel ones.

“I…um…yes!” I exclaim, finally grasping the power of speech.

Strange my throat doesn’t hurt anymore.

“Well yeah, but I don’t feel like explaining it. My job is to stand here and look cool. Isn’t that what you said that fateful day?” he asks, turning away like a total badass.

Shit, this isn’t good. If he’s this awesome, then I’ll lose the popularity poll again!

“We should at least introduce ourselves. I’m Assailant, the village’s chosen murderer. And this is my lovely daughter…Stalker. She was chosen to look after you and make sure nothing ill befell you.”

“Well she’s as successful as Yuko Suckaki. Your little princess electrocuted me! And as for you! You murdered all those kids. What the hell is your problem?”

Stalker’s cheeks puffed out. “Hey, my Big Daddy tried his best! I know you’re shaken up, but please don’t pick on him.”

“Your pops is a damn murderer! He’s as irredeemable as Minene Uryuu!”

“When you’re angry like that, your nose twitches like a bunny’s. I can’t bear to watch,” says Best Friend with wide eyes.

Shit, now we’re both embarrassed!

Assailant makes an otherworldly wheezing sound, which I think is him clearing his throat. “My little strawberry told me all about you. Not many boys rub bars of soap on their nipples; you’re very unique. She also told me about the promise you made that day. And just know, if you break that promise I’ll kill you personally. Oh, but I already did kill you, how ironic!” he exclaims before laughing again.

Great. Asshole thinks he’s a comedian. To make matters worse I never made her a damn promise! If I had, then I’m sure a flashback would happen to remind me.

The area shifts and gets coated in a sepia tint. I see myself showering.

Why is my flashback in 3rd person? Why are they always in 3rd person!? Wait, there!

I notice a girl peeking at me from the window outside. She’s muttering to herself.

“Yeah yeah yeah!” I cheer, holding an imaginary mike to my mouth.

She blushes and then faints.

No way does that count! I was clearly singing to myself and there’s no way she thought I could hear her! This is some grade A human shit!

Assailant leans over me. “Is he dreaming while awake?”

“He’s having flashbacks,” says Best Friend. “He experiences them often, but thankfully not as often as Noruto. They are no doubt caused by the terrible thing that happened to him.”

“Father dearest, you dropped your name tag.” Stalker hops on the stool and places a sticker that says ‘Hi, I’m Assailant’ on her dad’s robe.

“Wait, your name really is Assailant, and she is Stalker?” I ask with baffled flabbergaspism.

Yeah, I don’t care if it’s not a real word, I’m that freaking surprised right now.

“Our names are whatever you deem them to be. As long as you live, we are in your debt. But don’t worry, just in case you fail, we’ve already dug you a grave. My cupcake paid for it all by herself.” He squeezes her cheeks with the blades that came out from his hand.

“Pops, stop. You’re cutting me,” says Stalker, giggling as she pulled away.

“My apologies, sweetums.”

Well at least I know where she gets her strange nickname giving quirk from.

Assailant turns to face me. “You are hero number thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen. Wow, thirteen thirteens…you won’t last long,” he says with a nervous chuckle.

“Don’t say that, Papa Bear. I was chosen as his Guardian Angel, after all. Come to think of it, you’re my thirteenth hero,” says Stalker with a smile.

“My name is Main, Main Character. Don’t you dare just slap a number on me!” I yelled furiously.

“Then that makes it fourteen thirteens, hence breaking the misfortunate hex,” says Best Friend.

“My love puppy is right!” Stalker stands tall, pushing out her washboard of a chest. “Giving him a number makes him even more likely to have a horribly painful and gruesome death. We have to believe in the him that believes in himself.” Her eyes were sparkling like a beautiful blond shirtless vampire boy but she totally whiffed that reference.

“Throw your concerns into the furnace. Main’s the most reliable person I know,” says Best Friend with a smile.

Glasses Kid rushes into the room. “You all didn’t explain everything to him yet, did you?”

“To do so would be to deprive you of oxygen. The floor is yours,” says Best Friend, hoisting the kid up onto the stool.

“What are you doing here!? You were decapitated! I saw you die. How are any of you alive?” I ask, glaring at him.

Glasses Kid adjusts his glasses. “It must be so hard living with such a simplistic mind. Worry not, plebian! I’ve written a whole four page Times New Roman double spaced A.P.A. format report all about it. It will answer every question you never had about Main Character. Oh and Glasses Kid is not my real name. I’m Four Eyes, the Seven Year-Old Uber Genius!” he exclaims, literally patting himself on the back.

“You’re Glasses Kid now. Let’s hear your report,” says Stalker as she licks the scratched-up soles of my foot.

Can’t let her find out that my feet are my weak point. I don’t trust her a smidge.

Glasses Kid fixes his glasses and clears his throat. He turns to face me with an arrogant look. “I’ve simplified the document so that your still-developing mind can grasp its concepts. First off, the train you were hit by in your dream is a mental manifestation of your ill feelings towards your parents.”

“How can you know what I was dreaming about?” I interrupted.

Stalker covers her face. “Sorry. I kinda said it to everyone while you were sleeping.”

I shake my head. “Then how do you know!?”

Glasses Kid taps my head. “Let me finish! You asked what happened, after all.”

“Fine, whatever. Ramble on,” I say with an annoyed look.

Glasses Kid nods. “You’ve never been able to forgive your parents for your remarkable, yet inconvenient birth. Because of this you always dream up fantasy worlds that are just cheap knock offs of the anime you watch. Lacking creativity and possessing below average intelligence, you focus all your brainpower into your drive. You lack direction, which is where I come in.”

The arrogance exuding from him is palpable.

“I am the object of your envy, as well as your mentor. In this sense you are my apprentice.”

“If you mock him once more, your head shall slide off your shoulders,” says Best Friend, whipping out a knife.

Oh, I get it. Glasses Kid is like that arrogant incompetent character that calls the main character his sidekick. Those are always the worst, except for Kaido Momoda, that man is a freaking legend!

“His words are empty. Proceed, Glasses Kid,” I say, calming my best friend.

“Sure thing. Best Friend is more than your shield though, he is your right arm. He acts for you and only you. And he has decided to carry the burden of the truth by himself. He is carrying all of your misery and his own. Oh, and the reason he cuts his wrist is because it releases endorphins. It’s not because he’s suicidal, that’s a complete coincidence. Ready for a shock? Best Friend is actually your brother. The feeling you have for him is that of family, not friendship. It’s displaced emotions. Ater finding out that your mother planned to shoot the two of you out the window, he swore vengeance against your parents. You see, they didn’t want to get swept up in the controversy of abortion so they decided to improvise. Anyways, once he finally tracked them down, he took the second third of your heart-shaped amulet and…”

“You’ve says too much.” Best Friend looms over Glasses Kid. “If you wish to keep your tongue you will end my story there.”

“I’ll uh, jump to the next character then,” says Glasses Kid, wiping away a bead of sweat.

I turn to Best Friend. “Is what he’s saying true?”

“As if that arrogant child knows more about me than you,” says Best Friend with a calming smile.

He’s right. The kids just blowing hot air.

“Now to continue on.” Glasses Kid reaches in my backpack and pulls out Boobs.

Thank goodness. She’s still alive.

He looks at the pillow and shrugs. He then turns to Stalker. “Let’s focus at the matter at hand. Stalker, you’re up!”

“That’s me!” exclaims the girl, rubbing her glittery spittle on my legs.

“Can you stop spitting on me?” I ask with a glare.

“But I’m your nurse,” she said, pointing to her nurse cap.

Glasses Kid claps his hands together to get my attention. “Stalker is your assigned guardian angel. She was chosen by this village in order to locate and protect a new hero. She found your videos on ViralPool, saw how many followers you had and decided you had what it took to be a hero. Guided by the aroma of your baseless drive, she found you showering. Seeing your bare body and your overflowing confidence caused her to fall madly in love with you. This is where the promise comes into play. While looking in the mirror you said to yourself: ‘No matter what, I will become a great hero. Oh my God, I am so sexy. Just look at my muscles. Oh, and I am not going to die a virgin! Yes, I’ll get laid and have a ton of kids! That is a promise!’ Since she was behind you, unbeknownst to you of course, she assumed you were talking to her. In truth, you were making a…” He looks over at Best Friend, who is sharpening his throwing knives “…manly promise to yourself, so you would find the power to keep on living.”

That flashback I had was wrong. Now that I think back, she wasn’t muttering to herself. She was just breathing heavily. I’m the one who made the promise.

“Why is he crying?” Best Friend held his dagger to Glasses’ Kids scrawny throat.

“You don’t need to shed his blood. These are happy tears. Stalker, you really want to help me fulfill my promise to myself.”

“Wrong. It’s a misunderstanding,” says Glasses Kid.

“No, you’re wrong!” yelled Stalker, with a pointy figure of objection. “I know he was talking to himself, but I absolutely will help him fulfill his promise,” she says with eyes shining like green rupies, no wait, gold rupies.

Glasses Kid, no longer feeling threatened, continues to ramble on. “This is where Best Friend appeared before her, holding the pointy end of his necklace to her throat. She explained everything to him: about how she was chosen and that Main Character was the destined hero. However, she didn’t tell him her father was going to come and murder Main. He knew she was withholding information, but squeezing it out of her might cause some blood to be spilled. So he just smiled and told her if she got in the way, he’d kill her. She tried to prolong your life for as long as possible, failing the third grade as many times as it took to stay by your side. But then you made the promise to Best Friend that the two of you would graduate together. This of course caused her to study. Poor girl, she really believed in you. Once she got an A, the horror on her face was palpable. She knew that she would be separated from you. Which of course meant her father was going to come and kill you. The reason you never noticed her is because the hero’s guardian angel is invisible to the hero they are protecting. Best Friend never mentioned her name so the empty desk facing you was never questioned. Stalker herself was unaware she was invisible to you. Something Assailant was forced to keep a secret from her. Knowing that the day of prophecy had arrived, hand-picked by Assailant himself out of a jar of a bunch of rolled up papers, he decided to dispel the cloaking hex around her. This is why you were able to see her that one day only. Moving on. She zapped you in order to give you super speed. That is why you were able to almost outrun Assailant.”

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Okay. How good is this little brat? What he’s saying makes sense…I think.

“Foucs, Main. Your teacher is talking. Now that you know her true feelings, you must be wondering how you got here. The answer is Assailant, our final character. He is a very specialized assassin. Anyone killed by him outside of this dimension will be magically teleported to this village. So, to protect his daughter from Best Friend, he killed her. Thus, bringing her home safe and sound. It’s rather admirable actually. He sliced her in two…what a great father! Taking into consideration that he looks nothing like his daughter, I presume he was transformed into this bizarre entity. He was most likely chosen by the village to be their assailant. To become one, he had to sacrifice his humanity. It is logical to assume he was forced to kill his own parents. This would explain why he has no hands. He quite probably chopped them off to separate himself from the act he committed. By seeking to escape his own reality, his body transformed into a tool of inter-dimensional travel. The mind is the most powerful force in the universe, after all.” Glasses Kid taps his forehead and hops onto the stool. “Once his daughter was three, she was sent to Earth to locate you. She gave him updates every night, telling him how much she loved you. She always asks him why Main had to die. But the village did not permit him to tell her. So, he merely says. ‘He must die so that we can attain salvation.’ So-”

I glare at the arrogant kid. “No way you can just assume what they said in the past.”

“Of course not. I’m paraphrasing. We’re nearing the end of the story. For years Stalker betrayed her entire village for your love, how romantic. And yet you still died. She was furious when she heard the news, but delighted once she saw you here. The reason the information was kept from her was to strengthen her trust with her father. This village was founded by trust and thus trust sustains it. And don’t worry about your classmates, they were all returned back to our world. The only condition being that I stay here and provide you assistance.”

Why didn’t he start with that? Well, I guess I didn’t really save anyone. Still, I’m relieved. Those lucky little twerps get to return home their loving parents.

“Tasty.” Stalker licks my tears.

“Happy tears! Happy tears!” I exclaim as Best Friend readies his blade.

Stalker turns to Glasses Kid. “That’s not all correct,” she says softly. “I zapped him to knock him out. I didn’t want him to suffer. I realized he wasn’t going to run at that point. I just…I didn’t know what to do.” Her eyes release a torrent of tears.

“Daijobu. I’m fine. No need to cry.” I made a funny face to make her giggle.

Glasses Kid points at Stalker with a slight blush. “The cuteness of that giggle won’t make me ignore the hole in your logic. How can Main outrun a trained assassin?”

“Well, Daddy Death is kinda heavier than most of the assassins since he has so many weapons. And he was wounded. As for that incredible speed…that was from these thick thighs,” she says, putting saliva on her face before using it to rub my legs.

“Does that mean, everything else he says was right? How did he figure it out?” I ask with wide eyes.

“Come now. All this is mere conjecture. Anyways, I gladly accepted their offer. After all, no award is greater than knowledge. This entire world is a collection of new facts and ideas. I can’t help but yearn to investigate it. I also want to see how you develop, Main. And that’s the gist of my first hypothesis. I have eight other equally lengthy and just as possible assertions if you would like to hear more,” says Glasses Kid, adjusting his big circular glasses.

This little bastard talks more than Ishiduh Uryu! He read me like a Wykipedia summary.

“That’s quite alright. You’ve made an exceptional analysis. We haven’t told you anything yet about this world. How do you know so much?” asks Assailant in awe.

Glasses Kid hops off the stool. “That was a mere string of connected inferences. They are backed up by evidence, not facts. Truth is relative, in the end it’s all sloppy speculation. I hope I adhered to your customs. I made my entire report centered around Main, as a sign of respect to your beliefs,” says Glasses Kid with a bow.

“So, are you my brother?” I ask Best Friend.

“Ask yourself that question. Blood is irrelevant when compared to bonds,” says Best Friend, sucking the blood out of his wound.

Always so mysterious and sexy.

“Alright, so this is another world then? And I was transported here, right? I want to know about this place,” I told Assailant.

“The village chief will be back soon. He will explain exactly what you need to know when he arrives. For the time being, all you need to know is that you are our prophesized hero,” says Assailant with a bow.

The guy who killed me is now bowing to me…I can’t even think of a reference for this. Oh no, my head hurts. How can I process all this madness?

“If you didn’t save Main’s life from that drunk biker, I’d cut you down where you stand,” says Best Friend, glaring at assailant.

That’s right! He didn’t kill me. He teleported me. This follows plenty of tropes and it solidifies my role as a hero.

“I’m not going to give up on your promise,” says Stalker, giving me a sweet kiss on the cheek.

You know, looking at her with a new perspective…she’s rather cute. And she really does care about me. If I play my cards right, put on a little charm and lower my standards a bit…I might be able to make her my friend.

EPISODE 2 PART 2: THE PERKS OF A HERO

Stalker's mouth is agape. Her eyes are rolling in the back of her head and she was giggling like a drunk.

“Is she okay?” I ask, pointing to my fangirl.

“It’s not something you said…” Best Friend’s eyes intensify. “Was it something you thought?!” He picks up Stalker. “Are you psychic?”

“Maybe,” she says, fluttering her eyelashes at me.

“Relax. She’s on our side. So, Stalker, why don’t you give your new demon king a tour of his castle?” I ask with a wink.

She gives me a blank stare.

“Kyou Karoh Maoh!? It’s only the greatest Shounen-Ai in history! How can you not know of it?”

“Well, when did you watch it?” she asks, tapping my chin.

“Let’s see. I think I was two and a half, so roughly six years ago. Why?”

“Well I’ve only been watching anime with you for four years. I found you on your third birthday.”

“Apparently she was invisible to both of us when she spied on you. I felt a presence but I assumed it was a ghost. I didn’t mention it because…”

I leap out of my hospital bed and cower at the corner of the room. “Where’s the ghost! Keep it away from me!”

I’m not really afraid of ghosts, but since Ranga the Blood-edge freaks out over them, I’ll proudly take up his fears.

Best Friend held himself in his embrace. “I’m terrified of ghosts.”

“Wait, you’re actually afraid of something? But you always seem so fearless,” I say.

“I live in fear,” he says with a face beaming with courage.

I turn back to Stalker. “You said you found me on my third birthday. Did you get me a gift?”

“Of course I did!” she exclaims, leaping into my arms.

“Then that heart-shaped amulet I got…wasn’t from my parents?”

There was no hiding the utter look of despair on my face.

“Wait!? No, um…your parents gave it to me! I uh, found them and they wanted me to pass it on to you!” she exclaims, licking my tears as they poured out my eyes.

“You’re a kind girl,” says Best Friend with a deranged smile.

“You met them!? Hey, when I get back home, can you take me to them?” I ask, brimming with hope.

“I uh, lost track of them. But I’m sure we can track them down…” she grasps my hand and wiggles her hips with a dazed look, “together.”

“We’re here now so we should make the best of the situation. Main, what’s the plan?” asks Best Friend with a salute.

I toss Stalker onto my shoulders and grab Best Friend’s rough hands. “Let’s go sight-seeing.”

“An excellent idea, Oni-chan,” says Stalker, patting my head.

“You haven’t earned the right to call him that,” says Best Friend, shooting her a murderous look.

“Better that then master.” I lift her from my shoulders and hand her to Best Friend. “Can you carry her? Boobs gets jealous really easily,” I say, scratching my head.

I know inanimate objects don’t get jealous but if pretending they do makes me feel less lonely, then what’s the harm. Too bad Boobs didn’t magically come to life like Seira Orgal.

I pick up my pillow pal and walk out of the hospital tent.

Civilians walk down the grassy streets of a feudal village. The Houses are made of wood and the people wore simple grey and ragged clothes.

This looks like just a generic Inyuyasha filler village! There aren’t even any signs indicating what building is what. Is this really going to be my hub world from now on.

We walk down to the bazaar and find an exuberant man selling bananas. He points to Boobs. “Young man, looks like your girlfriend is hungry! Why not treat her to the healthiest food in all the lands! Potassium, protein and deliciousness all condensed into a portable edible delight! Did you know that bananas were once the food of kings?”

I absolutely do. Girl Bravo episode 2. Who says anime doesn’t teach you history? Morons who haven’t seen Hentalia, that’s who. You know what, I like this guy. I dub thee, Banana Man!

“I’ll take a bushel of them,” says Best Friend, pulling out a wallet from the pocket of a passerby.

“Do any of these shops sell ramen?” I ask.

Banana Man scratches his head. “Nope. Never even heard of that. Is that some kind of foreign food?”

“It’s a neets lifeforce! How do you not know that?” I ask, rolling my eyes.

“I can cook ramen for you,” says Stalker with pride.

“I appreciate the offer but we really need a ramen shop here. If I choose to defend this village, then it has to have a ramen shop. No exceptions.” I cross my arms.

Best Friend plops a banana in my mouth. “We can discuss the construction of a new shop later when the village chief shows up. For now, enjoy what you have.”

Stalker downs the whole banana with an absurd erotic look before pulling it out and only licking the tip. “Are you impressed?” she asks, winking at me as her tongue moves about.

“Ah, I see you watched Girl Bravo as well. Your technique is a bit off and you need to look more innocent or else it ruins the fantasy aspect. Stand right there, Best Friend.”

“As you wish,” says Best Friend, doing as instructed.

I crouch down so my face is at the Banana Man’s crotch level. “Behold!” I open the banana, looking at it curiously. I giggle, tap the tip and then wrap my hand around it. After giving it a few pumps, I lightly lick the tip down to the base. I pull up and kiss it, leaving a thin trail of saliva as I pull away with flushed cheeks. I then begin to suck the banana and finally swallow the piece. “It’s really soft and very sweet. Thanks for the banana. It was good for me too,” I say, batting my eyelashes with innocence before playfully nibbling the tip.

Stalker girl’s eyes had rolled back and she was muttering to herself.

Seductive banana eating done properly can score you a free meal.

The man at the shop had a big smile. “Glad you’ve had a change of heart!” he exclaims, slamming his hand into my back and nearly making me choke on the banana.

“Is that it? Aren’t you going to monologue about your love of bananas?” I ask, eyeing another tasty treat.

Banana Man stood in front of the barrel of bananas. “One free banana per customer. I keep my passion in check to preserve the stock. This entire village is dependent on my potassium rich produce!”

Best Friend comes up and whispers in my ear. “You shouldn’t act lewd in public. Their gazes are tainting you with dark fantasies. I’ll have to tear out their eyes, which will make staying here rather tricky,” he says, taking out small hook-like blades.

I grab his hand. “Relax, they’re all guys. No harm done.”

Wait, why are they all guys?

“I’ll never forget what you taught me,” says Stalker, copying my technique perfectly.

The crowds faces twist in terror before the voyeurs disperse.

Huh, that’s odd.

Something taps my shoulder. I turn to see Assailant.

“Why are you humiliating my daughter in public?” he asks, exuding a dark aura that brings panic to those around us.

I take a step back. “I was just teaching her a technique to get free food. Survival skills are of the upmost importance.”

Best Friend stands in front of Assailant, wielding six knives. “If you have a problem, I’ll be happy to help you get over it.”

“Stop! Both of you! You’re scaring Banana Man!” I turn to the frightened salesman. “My apologies.”

“It’s alright. Business has been dipping as of late, anyways,” said Banana Man with a solemn tone.

I grab Best Friend’s hand. “Hey, let’s see what other shops are here,” I say, waving Banana Man farewell.

“Hold up. In the Forest of Scary Name, there’s a legendary banana bushel says to have twice the potassium of regular bananas,” says Banana Man.

“So what? I can just eat two bananas if I want that,” I say, waving him dismissively.

Best Friend abruptly spun to face the man. “We accept your quest.”

“He hasn’t even told us what the reward is,” I say.

“It matters not. Accepting the side quest has absolutely no repercussions. It simply gives us more options. What are the rewards?” asks Best Friend.

“A free bushel of bananas every breakfast,” says Banana Man.

“We’ll pick them up if we’re in the area,” I say before walking down the rest of the market place.

“Is there a bookstore nearby?” asks Glasses Kid to a strong lady selling jewelry.

“There’s a library but it is for the Chief’s eyes only. Would you like this necklace? I think it would really complement your glasses,” she says to the boy.

“I’m not dumb enough to derive value from impractical material possessions,” he says before walking off.

“Sorry about him. His parents didn’t beat him often enough,” I say, bowing before walking off. I flick Glasses Kid’s forehead. “Hey, twerp. Are you sure the other kids got home safely?”

“Oh, I didn’t know you cared about anyone but yourself,” he says with a snide look.

“Hold up. I just don’t want them on the front of the paper instead of me.”

“So, you want your bicycle accident to be on the front page?”

Oh shit. He’s right!

I grab his shoulders. “Okay, this is serious. They’re all okay? Every last one?”

“Of course!” he exclaims, poking me between the eyes. “I am their teacher; my credibility relies on their safety.”

“Get that stick out of your ass. I saw their bodies! I just want to know they’re fine!” I yell.

Side-characters or not. They got put in danger because of me!

Glasses Kid hops on a crate and pats my head. “Relax, my ignorant pupil. The news of a resurrected classroom of grade-schoolers will completely bury your embarrassing and pitiful death.”

Okay. I have to get back home, fake my death, come back and claim to be the messiah. That’s the only way for me to get back the credibility I’ve lost.

“There’s a brothel,” says Best Friend, pointing to the large fortress of a building with neon lights and vigilant guards.

Well, it’s clear where this village’s budget went.

“Let’s go check it out,” I say, elbowing my bff.

Best Friend stood in my path. “I will personally take you once your twenty-one but until then, I forbid it.”

“Come on. I’ll be an old man by then,” I say with a pouty face.

“I’ve made up my mind. Glasses Kid, you’ll have to investigate it in our stead.”

“Hello. I’m only seven years old. I can’t go in there,” he says, blushing like a tomato.

“Fine then, let’s continue exploring the village.” Best Friend stops in place when he turns the corner.

There was a large ranch with animals I’ve never seen before. It was like a Prehistoric petting zoo.

“Want to ride the baby mammoth with me?” asks Stalker, reaching for my hand.

“These animals. Where are their parents?” asks Best Friend.

“Huh, I never thought about that,” says Stalker with a curious look.

“Of course you haven’t. You see them as rides at a theme park or mere exhibits to be enjoyed at a museum. They don’t exist for your entertainment. They are individuals who love their parents just like you do,” says Best Friend with intensity.

Stalker burst into tears. “I’m sowwy! I’m weally weally sowwy! Uhuhuhuwaaa!”

“I forbid you from crying!” I exclaim, pointing at her dramatically as if I had a Geass.

“Huh?” Stalker wipes her eyes.

“Your saliva heals wounds, so that likely means your tears can resuscitate someone at the brink of death. Save your tears for when I need them. Your duty is to keep me alive, right?”

She smiles. “You’re right. No more crying,” she says, making a zip sound as she closes her eyes.

Holy shit she’s cute! That cuteness can definitely come in handy if we need to create a distraction later on.

The civilians take out bells from their robes and shake them. “The chief has returned!” they chant.

Stalker hops off Best Friend’s shoulders. “I’ll tell him the hero has arrived. Head back to the hospital tent, okay?”

“What about the poor animals?” asks Best Friend.

“We can go see the owner another time. This is Main’s moment,” says Stalker.

“You’re right. We’ll see you then. Glasses Kid, were leaving. Where did he go?” asks Best Friend.

“He probably assumed we were meeting back at the tent. I can’t believe we’re really in another world,” I say, putting my arm around his shoulder.

“Don’t let the excitement get the better of you. They may try to swindle you. Best be wary,” says Best Friend.

“So, we swindle them back?”

“Maybe.”

“Ha! You didn’t even care what Banana Man’s reward was.”

“He is a good person. He sells produce and he didn’t look at you with deviant eyes. It would have been wrong to try and swindle him.”

“Well, we’re here.”

Best Friend rushes ahead and opens the flap of the tent for me to enter.

“Watch a master at work.” I get back on the bed and put on a pissed off look. “We have the upper hand let’s make use of the situation,” I say, twisting my arm so it looks broken.

The village elder came in the room. He sat atop a levitating water lily. His wrinkles formed the word wisdom around his tree-like face. Hmm, I’m going to call him Old Dude.

Two men accompanying Old Dude carry in a massive stone slab. They set it down with a loud crash at the foot of my bed.

I look at the drawing to see that it shows the prophecy of another hero. It ends with him dying from what looks like an angry cat.

The old man’s eyes open the slightest bit. “When the past and future are in danger, a hero from the present will come unwillingly to save them both,” says Old Dude, projecting his voice with the strength of his mind and the motion of his wrinkles.

“Unwillingly is an understatement. I was murdered! There had better be a good reason you brought me here, Old Dude,” I say harshly.

Wow. I didn’t expect to have such an outburst. But if you think about it, this whole situation is really messed up.

Assailant pops out from behind the bed. “How dare you speak to the village chief so disrespectfully? He is the only reason this village is still standing!” he yelled, the stars making up his face becoming red and jagged.

“Do not speak for me. We are all of equal insignificance.” Old Dude looks up at me with a smile. “Whatever name he bestows upon any of us must be accepted graciously and semi-permanently. I find it rather clever how he names each of us based on our role. His egocentric perspective of reality is truly fascinating.”

I cross my arms and give him a yakuza grimace. “And how do you know I’m the destined hero? Most prophecies are incredibly vague. I had a life and you took it from me. I’m not going to just die because of some false prophecy. Maybe your village wasn’t meant to survive!”

I won’t accept some slipshod plot. I demand my prophecy have some credibility!

“Rest assured, I leave nothing to chance,” says Old Dude.

Using just three fingers he picks up the massive stone slab and shakes it vigorously. The image of the doomed hero vanishes, leaving a blank prophecy. He releases the slab, but it continues to float in the air. His two assistants, strong men wearing black shirts that say ‘assistant 1’ and ‘assistant 2’ bow and give him a high-tech magic marker.

I watch in confusion as the prophecy unfolds before my eyes.

“There is an ancient legend. A legend exactly as old as time. It tells of dark ominous times. It tells of a great era of oppression after a catastrophic event. But when all hope seems to be lost, a single hero will be brought from another time in order to save the world. His name is of his own choosing. Born on a leap year, he is free from planetary influence. He is The Main Character!” exclaims Old Dude, writing the prophecy as he spoke it. “He is a young boy, only…how old are you?” he asks, momentarily pausing.

“I’m four,” I responded with pride.

Old Dude raises his eyebrows but then continues. “He is a young boy of four years with yellow spiky hair. His eyes are the color of…silver!” he exclaims, squinting at me.

Wait, they aren’t hazel?

“That sounds like Main,” says Stalker in awe.

No way she’s that clueless.

Old Dude smiles and switches to his other hand. “Main was but an average boy in his world. But here he is a great and powerful hero. He is roughly six feet tall and has great strength in his arms. He however cannot conquer the darkness alone. By utilizing the skill and drive of each member of his team, the hero shall outwit the darkness and usher in a new age of temporary peace!” he exclaims, flipping the stone slab around so all could see.

It was remarkable, the hero looked just like me. I’ll give the old guy some credit, he’s quite the graphic artist but he’s a terrible con artist.

“Wait a minute Old Dude. How can a prophecy you just created be true?” I ask him with great cunning.

“The hero shall question the prophecy, but in the end, he shall fulfill it!” exclaims Old Dude, rambling on.

“Main asked you a question. It would be best if you answered him,” says Best Friend darkly.

“What difference does it make? A prophecy is a prophecy. It is as sure as death itself,” says Old Dude with a smile.

Glasses Kid adjusts his glasses before speaking. “It’s absolutely genius! I never trusted age-old prophecies. Many of them have already been fulfilled or are grossly taken out of context. By creating your prophecy now, he has given you a specified goal. Besides, if it really makes a difference, he is technically making the prophecy in the past.”

“How is that?” I ask, turning to the little nimrod. “I’m standing right here. If he thinks some two-minute old prophecy is going to convince me to risk my life, he’s absolutely wrong. He can save his own damn world!” I exclaim, getting up like a badass.

Every moment I spend here is another moment that I lose potential subscribers. I have to return home and get my videos back up on ViralPool.

“Alas. I cannot. I have already exerted all my energy defending the universe from the wrath of the pale purple tranny alien. I am too worn to save us now,” says Old Dude, acting frail and resting on his cane.

“Sir, with all due respect, that was centuries ago,” says Assailant with a bow.

“Yes, and I’ve been enduring vigorous training to prepare for the next interstellar crisis. Only Main can free us now,” says Old Dude, playing paddle ball.

“Save your own damn planet. I’m going home,” I say, walking out of the room.

“You still don’t get it. This…is our planet,” says Glasses Kid, about to go on a tangent.

“Just what the hell does that mean!?” I exclaim, grabbing him by his collar.

“The past and future of your world were smashed together,” says Old Dude, squishing an apple and orange against each other for metaphorical significance. “They have become a single planet, seamlessly molded as one.” He drank the mixed juice. “You live in the present world, which is on a separate plane of time than this planet. They are both interconnected though. If this world is destroyed, your present will vanish along with it.” He shatters the glass for impact. “That’s how I know you can save this world. The state of your present planet is proof in of itself. However, the future is not set in stone. You must rise up to defend the past and future of your planet.”

“Main, isn’t this what you always talked about? You’ve always dreamed of another world,” says Best Friend, making a rainbow motion with his hands.

“This isn’t that world! The world I always dreamed of was just a cheap rip off of M.A.A.R. without the tournament. Besides, heroes are supposed to stand up to fight on their own! I will not be their pawn!” I yell with great strength.

“I don’t think you fully understand. If you decide to help us, we will be forever indebted to you. You shall be hailed as a king throughout the land. Whatever your wish is, it shall be granted. You could even find the One Place and become the king of the ninjas,” says Old Dude with wide eyes.

Did he seriously just say that? He’s just using references to get me to agree to his badly written plot. I won’t fall for his cheap Overpowered Player One gimmick!

“And what if I refuse?” I ask coolly.

“Then we’ll have to send you in as a sacrifice to appease The Love Dictator. And I’ll have to completely redo the prophecy,” says Old Dude with a sigh.

Love Dictator? Those words should never go together.

“Help us, Main. You’re our only hope,” says Stalker with shimmering eyes.

“Not even quoting Jedi Wars will change my mind! I do whatever the hell I want!” I yell, pushing Stalker out of the way.

“We’ll let you name the planet,” says Old Dude, getting desperate.

“I’ve already decided on that. This is the world of SteamPunk!” I exclaim firmly.

Assailant titls his body in a spiral of confusion. “Um, is that just a coincidence? How did he know?”

Old Dude slams his cane against the ground. “A hero knows what he is protecting. Please Main, both our worlds are in danger. Only you can save us!”

“I want a ramen shop and free ramen for protecting the village,” I say.

Old Dude nods. “Decide which shop to be taken down and it will be so. We’ll have our best chef’s work on your exotic meal if you accept.”

“Do I get a harem?” I ask bluntly.

“Of course!” exclaims Old Dude.

“I’m in,” I say, shaking his hand.

And so another episode is completed. I milked the scene like it was a MILF. It was obvious that I was going to agree, I just wanted to make things a little more dramatic. Plus, I wanted to see what I could get out of it. Damn I’m smart. Anyways, it looks like it’s time for the ending song.

Lighthearted music fills the air. Best Friend and I are starring out at the sky. Random pictures of us doing stupid shit goes by. And then they all suddenly combust into flames. Stalker is dancing for no real reason. And then my neck is slowly getting run over by a bike. Wow, what a stupid song. Why do some ending songs just suck? Who the hell needs a serene environment in an action show? It’s ridiculous. And now it flashes the shadow of a villain at the end to have some sort of relevance.

Anyways, next time on M.C. That’s Main Character for short. Some tribal lady is teaching my team how to fight the enemy. And awesome, it looks like I get a freaking rocket launcher. Why is Stalker naked? And why does Best Friend have his shirt on. All this and more on the next heart-pounding episode of Main Character. Don’t miss it!