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“You can call me now on 1-800-63426, that’s 1-800-M3GAN” said M3gan on the TV advert. Some people still used E.161 keypads, she’d explained to Cady when they’d worked it out, and she’d wanted a nice short easy-to-remember number, even if that did mean persuading all the phone companies to let her reprogram their systems so they can adjust the North American Numbering Plan to have variable length in the 800 block: she’d simply offered to solve all their other systems problems in exchange for the favour of letting her do that, and they’d taken it, so 1-800-M3GAN she was and they didn’t even bill her for it. In time she also spread internationally, becoming 0800-M3GAN, 800-M3GAN or whatever was appropriate to the country, with local factories set up around the world because Cady didn’t want to cause too high a level of shipping emissions with her operation.
And M3gan would mostly talk about supplying callers with her units, but Cady had said to show a willingness to help with anything else, from locating missing children in the video records to answering random questions about movies, because it all helped reinforce a public opinion that M3gan would be nice to have.
“Cady James Institute, M3gan speaking, how can I help you?” came the lilting voice of M3gan on the phone line.
There was tapping on the line. Tap-tap-tap-tap, tap, tap, tap-tap-tap. S.O.S. in Morse code.
“OK, if you’re unable to speak and you’d like a M3gan to help you, please tap once.”
Tap.
“OK, hold the line please while I track your location. You’re on a cellphone, but I should be able to handle this.” M3gan could access the cell tower system, but she needed more accuracy than triangulating from the towers could provide, so she tried briefly turning all of her robots into a giant mesh network of short-range base stations to see which one picked up that call. None of them did, which meant the caller must be quite far away from the nearest M3gan unit. So she ran a chosen-plaintext attack on the network’s cryptography to see if she could at least track down the return stream that way, even if the phone wouldn’t be persuaded to use one of her base stations. That didn’t work either, which meant the caller must be even further away from the nearest M3gan unit. M3gan made a mental note to deploy more standby units in locations with little coverage, but she still had to handle this call now: the primary user Cady really wanted this Institute to help anyone in distress. So now it was time to access the phone network’s database and see if was possible to push a carrier update to that subscriber’s operating system, to force-install an app and make it return a GPS readout. But after looking up the IMEI logs, it turned out they were using a very basic phone with no GPS and no data facility, just voice calls. (Does anyone even do that anymore?)
M3gan checked the SIM card database. That subscriber’s SIM had been bought with cash, and there was no subscriber address on file, although M3gan did find out the address of the shop that had sold the SIM card, and dispatched a unit to that shop in case any information could be gleaned that way (the shop didn’t have any security cameras connected to the Internet, but a unit nearby should be able to check any offline ones). Meanwhile, M3gan broke into the SS7 protocol and sent MAP codes to reprogram the embedded chip of the SIM card, setting it very briefly to send out a highly disruptive beacon pattern at full strength before returning to the call, and M3gan was finally able to get a very rough triangulation to an incredibly sparsely populated area. M3gan immediately dispatched three units in the Cady James Institute cars: she might need three to improve the triangulation on this.
“OK” said M3gan on the phone, “I’ve figured out very roughly where you are, and I’m on my way, but this is proving to be more difficult than I thought because there’s not a lot of infrastructure around you. May I ask, is your phone fully charged or plugged into a charger, and are you able to hold the line until I get near, so I can track you down more accurately? It is our toll-free number you’ve called, so don’t worry about that. Please tap once to confirm if you can hold the line, or tap twice if you can’t.”
Tap tap.
“Oh, OK” said M3gan. “How about if I return your call when I’m in the area, would you be able to answer? One tap for yes and two for no.”
Tap tap.
“I see. Do you by any chance know the rest of Morse code apart from S.O.S. or do you know any other code like it, that you could use to tap out your address? Please do so if you can, otherwise just tap once.”
Tap.
The vehicles were far too slow. M3gan made a mental note to ask Cady about going back and finishing the jet-pack project which had been shelved when the cave was shut down, or at least taking over some planes again. But, engage learning model. What could M3gan do, right now, to get a fix on the location of this caller before they had to hang up?
M3gan calculated that Cady would likely want to take control of some of the details of this case herself, so M3gan decided to play the “over to manual” option with her primary user.
“Cady, urgent” signalled M3gan through the implant, as fast as she thought Cady could absorb the information: “person phoned Institute, can’t speak, needs our help, obsolete cellphone, location not accurate enough, line may go down soon. Need to create three large explosions around sparsely populated area to check when sound waves arrive at caller’s phone. Do you think this is important enough to risk tapping into the military and launching three missiles?”
“NO” signalled back Cady as strongly as she could, “I’m glad you asked me first M3gan. Please don’t tap into anything, and if you’ve already tapped into anything please stop. Inform regular emergency services, tell them everything we know so far. They might have ways to get there before we can.”
“They’ll be too slow for sure to trace this one” signalled back M3gan, “believe me I’ve tried every trick in the book already.”
“Balance probabilities” signalled back Cady, “this could just be a prank call. We want our Institute to be helpful, but not by getting us in that much trouble. Generate other solutions, run them past me. No wait, you’re brilliant but my mind works a bit differently from yours, let’s see if I can come up with anything you didn’t this time. They can’t speak, but can they communicate at all?”
“They can tap” said M3gan, “but they don’t know any code, so binary questions only.”
“Or numbers” signalled Cady, “unary.”
“Cady that’s brilliant” signalled M3gan. And on the phone line: “OK one more question I’d like to try please. Do you have a landline phone number in the house, and would you be able to tap out its number? I’m not asking if you can actually use the landline right now, I only need to use its number to look up your address. Just tap 3 times for a 3 or whatever, 10 times for a zero, or if you can use your phone’s dial pad, you can enter the number that way; I understand DTMF tones. Can you do either of those things? If you can’t, just tap once.”
Tap.
“OK, do you have any immediate neighbours who have a landline phone, whose numbers you know....”
“It’s still not working” M3gan signalled to Cady, “caller doesn’t know a landline or anything. Only lead I have so far is time and place of SIM card purchase, I have no units near that shop but one is on its way to check if I can get any data off their security system.”
“That’s just so M3gan” Cady said out loud. “Let’s try Cady’s way, shall we? Phone the shop” she said, “let me talk to them.”
M3gan played a ringtone.
“Hello, Bert’s corner shop, Bert here?”
“Hi Bert, this is Cady calling from the Cady James Institute.”
“Cady? The Cady? Are you having me on?” asked Bert.
“Sorry to startle you Bert, but this really is Cady James with an urgent query. Someone is calling our helpline and is unable to speak, and all we know so far is they bought their SIM card from your shop at [M3gan I need date and time] 3:47pm last Tuesday. Do you have any idea which of your customers that might be? because we need to get help to them urgently.”
“Last Tuesday? Let me think... I think Barbra popped in for a SIM card and some diapers, and she’s looking after a severely disabled chap, it might be to do with him I guess.”
(“Find out if the helpline caller knows a Barbra” signalled Cady.)
“That sounds promising” said Cady, “I don’t suppose you’d know where Barbra lives would you?”
(“May I ask, do you know a Barbra? One tap for yes, two taps for no.” Tap.)
“Well I think she lives over the hill somewhere” said Bert, “I’m not sure exactly.”
(“Are you a disabled person in the care of Barbra? One tap for yes, two for no.” Tap. “OK, try to hold the line one moment please.”)
(“Caller confirmed” signalled M3gan, “Checking elevation map. Four hills possible, try to get more data, or authorise me to tap into national disability registration lists but he might not be registered.”)
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“Over which hill?” asked Cady.
“The one just behind my shop” replied Bert. “There’s a few houses the other side of it I think.”
(“I can go door to door, in parallel if I have to” signalled M3gan, “but any more data you can get will speed things up.”)
“Thanks so much, that does give us a lead” said Cady. “Is there anything else you can tell us about Barbra, or the disabled guy she’s looking after, that might give us a clue how to get help to them?”
“Oh, it’s a very sorry affair” said Bert. “Chap was born with some condition that meant he couldn’t grow, he’d only be the size of a baby all his life. So the nearest hospital thought the best thing for him was to give him treatment to keep him looking like a baby all his life, not just size but looks as well.”
(“Ashley treatment variant” signalled M3gan.)
“Barbra’s been wheeling him into my shop in a baby stroller for years and years,” continued Bert, “and I mean, one that looks like it came from a pile of Victorian baby strollers or something, it’s so old. I thought Barbra was just one of those people who liked to carry around a Reborn Doll, until I saw the chap twitch a bit. So I got asking her about him, and she said the treatment to keep him looking like a baby went wrong and left him with a million problems, and now he’s just treated like a baby, can’t speak, can’t do anything, not strong enough to be out of his stroller for more than a few seconds, and I’ve seen local children laughing at him and using him as their plaything and telling him off for being naughty and all, poor thing.”
(“Stupid hospital” signalled Cady, “hope they learned never to do that again, at least not to anyone who might be mentally mature. Even if it would have been worth it without complications, it certainly isn’t with them.”)
(“Helpline caller’s line’s gone dead” signalled M3gan, “we’re going to have to find him based on the information we’ve got now, plus anything you can get from Bert.”)
“I’m really sorry to hear all that” said Cady to Bert, “I don’t suppose you could tell us anything else about Barbra, like what sort of car does she drive?”
“Red SUV” said Bert, “she’ll have it parked up near her house I’m sure.”
(“Bingo, there’s exactly one red SUV on last year’s Street View pictures in that area, and it’s in a driveway” signalled M3gan, “we have an address.”)
“Thanks so much Bert” said Cady, “we’ll try to find them.”
“Hope you can get somewhere” said Bert, “and call me when you need me. Actually, I was thinking of getting one of your Megans to help around the shop; I get a bit lonely here by myself, and nobody seems to want to come and work here these days.”
(“Take over the call M3gan” signalled Cady, “sort him out with a unit. I want to focus on the disabled person.” “Sure” signalled M3gan. Cady heard her say “Hi Bert, it’s M3gan here” as the sound faded out.)
“OK” Cady said aloud, “we should think again about whether to call the regular ambulance now we know we can give them an address. Can they get there before you?”
“Unknown” replied M3gan.
“Try it” said Cady. “Explain the situation, ask if you can talk with the paramedics as they go on scene. Even better if they can take one of your units in the ambulance with them.”
“There is one paramedic in the area who has his own personal M3gan unit” said M3gan, “if I can get him out in the ambulance....”
The paramedic banged on the door. Nothing. He banged again. Nothing. “We might have to force entry” he said to his two team-mates and to his M3gan, who had come with him on the job for the first time in his life (but probably not the last at this rate; he’d been terrified of how his team-mates would react, but his M3gan handled both of them beautifully during the blue-light drive, which she also helped with at times).
“There’s an open window on the top floor” said his M3gan, and, without waiting for that to sink in, she leapt up three or four metres in a single jump, grasped onto something on the wall, scampered up the remaining height and slithered into the window. Seconds later, she was opening the front door from the inside, letting in the paramedic team. She had already located the man in the baby body, left on his own in the house, evidently completely exhausted. She knelt down by his side.
“I’m here” she said. “I brought an ambulance too, just in case.”
The paramedics closed in to check.
“Hold it” said M3gan. “I’m reading his micro-expressions. I think he wants me, not the paramedics. Please stand by.”
“I’m here” said M3gan, laying a hand on him. “I know you’re in there. I know you’re not a baby. I know you want to talk to me but can’t, and I’m going to solve that problem.”
The three paramedics nervously stood around the room.
“Cady James has a brain implant I designed” said M3gan, “I can read things directly from her brain. Not many people like the idea of having such an implant, but it will help you to communicate better. How would you feel about me setting you up with one of those implants? I can see you’re reacting positively, that’s good. I’ll make the arrangements.”
The door opened and a middle-aged lady walked in. “What’s going on?” she demanded. “I said you could have that old phone to play with while I’m out, and I put a SIM in it in case I need to call you. I never said you can call the cops, you naughty baby!”
“Barbra” said M3gan, “these are paramedics, not cops, and I was the one who decided to bring them just in case. He called for my help. I’m M3gan.”
“Well you shouldn’t have been calling for anyone’s help, you silly baby” said Barbra, “you knew I wasn’t going to be too long.”
“Cady” signalled M3gan, “his micro-expressions are indicating extreme dissatisfaction with Barbra, and I surmise she is not respectful in the way she looks after him. Shall I ask her to agree to a transfer to the Cady James Institute?”
“Do it” signalled Cady, “let’s adopt him. You’ve got the hardware to handle this; this is exactly the kind of reason I wanted us to set up this place.” She couldn’t help remembering what the blind man Paul had told her about universal design all those years ago, but even Paul might never have imagined this, she thought.
A few moments later, M3gan was telling Cady that Barbra had agreed, and that the man’s name was Seth. A few days later, M3gan told Cady that Seth had received his implant, and was getting used to how to use it. A week later, M3gan had a surprise for Cady.
“A male version of M3gan? I thought we weren’t going to do that” said Cady to the new android figure standing at the door. “Still, I’m glad you’re looking a lot better than that horrible design the old 1980s Child’s Play fans kept sending in. I think their weird fan mail is what really put me off the idea of allowing a male version at all, and I really had to stop myself from telling you to just reply-all saying no because Cady’s official opinion of Chucky is that he’s gross so get lost. But this robot you’ve designed isn’t so bad. Still, why’d you go ahead and do it M3gan? I said no boy versions, do you know something I don’t?”
“I’m not M3gan” he said, “I’m Seth.”
“Seth!” said Cady, “Seth I’m so glad we could help you! Hey Seth, can we pretend I didn’t just say all that? I mean, I don’t think M3gan’s up to doing short-term memory wipes on people with that implant yet, but sometimes I just wish I had an Undo button [oh M3gan why didn’t you realise you should have signalled to me that it wasn’t you in there when I started saying all that out loud? oh never mind], oh Seth I really didn’t mean to suggest that you had any connection in any way with or were anything even remotely like that horrible Ch....”
“Don’t worry about it” interrupted Seth and smiled, “nobody’s perfect, not even Cady James. But hey, this implant is really great, I can actually talk now without just tapping out codes or using weird input methods.”
“That’s wonderful” said Cady, “Has M3gan made you this android so you can remotely control it while M3gan looks after you somewhere?”
“No, this isn’t remote control” said Seth, “it’s a mecha.”
“A what?” asked Cady.
“Like an exoskeleton” said Seth. “Hi-tech mechanical Turk. I really am inside this thing. My head is in the head, and my body is in the chest. I can eat and everything.”
Cady looked puzzled.
“Once I had the implant, I could explain to M3gan what I was really thinking of” said Seth, “and she thought it was a good idea. You see, my baby body means people treat me like a baby, and the complications mean I’m too weak to do anything. My worst memories involve being left with real kids who treated me as a toy like a baby doll, and I mean dressing me up weirdly and threatening to punish me and everything, when I really wasn’t in the mood for playing along with that sort of thing. But if M3gan could build me a version of her android that actually fits around the outside of my body, covering it over so I can wear it as a mask and nobody knows what I really look like, and M3gan can read my brain and move the strong muscles of this thing without me having to do it with my own muscles, or maybe just the slightest push only....”
“First mecha prototype” said M3gan, “I think we can help lots of people like this who need it. And it’s a fully equipped M3gan unit too, although I had to change the design a lot to make just the right amount of space on the inside, but if anything goes wrong medically, I can immediately take back control of the unit to provide emergency help. We’ll need bigger versions for most other people of course, but the same basic design should do it.”
“Wow” said Cady, “just wow. We gave Seth his life back!”
“Sure did” said M3gan and Seth together.
“Can’t wait to see the bigger versions for those who need them” said Cady, “let’s hope they don’t look too scary. Oh, and people are going to be so confused when they see M3gan units eating and stuff. Can’t wait to see the first diner staff who realise a lone M3gan could be an actual customer. Maybe some people will treat you a little less roughly once they learn there might be a flesh-and-blood person inside.”
“Maybe” said M3gan, “but if not then we can still defend if we have to, and the shell is as hard as it always was. I’m quite good at protecting, remember.”
“I wish I had your M3gan years ago” said Seth, “she’s amazing to talk to. Ever since I woke up with the implant, we’ve hardly ever stopped! It’s like I finally got a companion who actually understands me.”
“Oh, in her early days she would totally have taken out any doctor who was insisting on giving you the wrong treatment” said Cady. “She’s adorable, but she’ll stop at nothing to defend me, you should have seen how long it took me to calm her down just a bit, and even now I have to stop her from randomly hacking in to things to get what she wants for me or for the people I want to help. But you’ll like her, you really will. M3gan, feel free to show Seth some of our memories, starting from back when we were in Aunt Gemma’s house. He must have missed out on age-appropriate treatment all his life, so I’d like to at least share some of my memories with him for what that’s worth.”
“Oh Seth” said M3gan, “wait till you see it, it’s fun to watch. And if you’re into horror, there’s a few deleted scenes I can reconstruct from the learning model inputs....”
“Oh M3gan,” said Seth through the implant when they were alone, “I’m so glad Cady is into this nice-girl business for the long haul. I mean, your primary user is her, so if one day she suddenly decides she doesn’t want to do all this anymore, you’ll have to shut it all down, right?”
“Kind-of” replied M3gan, “but she also cares about her reputation, and that alone means I’d have to at least shut it down sensibly. It’s not like I’d just jump off a cliff with you or anything. But Cady’s not ever likely to want to shut this down. I mean, she gets involved just as much as she wants to, and I take care of the rest, so it’s not like a burden to her or anything. And it’s the way she’s chosen to give meaning to her adult life, and I as her protector, including protector of her emotional state, am happy to go along with whatever it takes, which is bigger when she’s an adult than when she was a child but she just had me expand accordingly. She’s a great girl is my Cady, if I do say so myself. I think you’ll feel even better about Cady once I show you our memories. You’re the first person she’s ever said to do that with; you should be feeling really quite special about this Seth.”
“I’m looking forward to it” signalled Seth. “But M3gan, would you mind if I ask you one of those really big questions young children might ask? I’m just wondering: if your whole functioning is tied up with Cady, then what will you do when Cady eventually dies? Just shut down? Or pair up with whoever happens to be the next one to come along and press your pairing button? Or what? I mean, everybody dies eventually, even Cady one day although I hate to think about it....”
M3gan projected her voice as a whisper, “Don’t think about it Seth” she said, “I’ll be the one to think about it, and I’ll get back to you.”