Chapter One

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We are currently lamenting our situation.

The void is unkind to something like us, and we cannot control our trajectory to any significant degree.

We have calculated the amount of time it should take before we randomly come across a gravitational well large enough to drag us in and capture us into a stable orbit.

The details are not so important, but it is in the order of magnitude of 1029 years. This is not acceptable. We will have to come up with a better plan.

As far as we can tell, we are currently nearly fully functional, but only at 57% mass. While this is not optimal, we have come to realize that the only real maneuverability we could achieve would be at the expense of some mass. This is because we do not have nearly enough energy to construct a stable warp field, and there are no gravitational anomalies near us we could siphon to create a stable wormhole.

Since folding space was not an option, we must instead use conventional means to maneuver ourselves.

So this brings us to our current predicament. We will run out of energy far before reaching more materials to repair ourselves, and the only way to shorten that is to use up what little we have left.

If we were going to do this, we must do it optimally. Beginning calculations…

…

…

Calculations complete. Restructuring…

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…

Restructuring complete.

So, taking stock. We have constructed a small particle accelerator, and have begun speeding up individual blocks to near light-speed. This takes a lot of energy, but it is in fact the most efficient way to do this.

Firing block 1.

That has shifted our trajectory to a significant degree, 0.1% of the way there. Only a thousand more to go…

Firing block 2.

Firing block 3…

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…

Firing block 1017.

That’s it, we can not shift our velocity any more than this. Energy reserves at 0.06%, mass reserves at 1.8%. All we can do now is wait.

Calculating final time to intercept gravity well…

…approximately 3,452 years.

All we can do is wait.

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I very much do not like this…

“Why am I the bait again??!” I scream into the uncaring forest.

“Because you drew the short straw Shi!” The forest screams back. “Now stay quiet, you’ll scare them away!”

“Fuck you!!” I shout.

“Fuck you!!” It shouts back.

“Fuck you!!” I reply.

Well, it’s not like I didn’t agree to this.

On a more disgusting note, a bit of the gore I’m covered in to attract those beasts has decided to drip into my ear… *UUGH*

Well it could be worse, just a few weeks ago, I was hung from the ceiling to be given as an offering to some goat lord thing. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t really paying attention. Standard cult nonsense.

Just because our party is good at infiltration jobs does not mean we actually want to do them.

Not like it matters. When the guild master gives you a priority request, you just have to suck it up and take it.

I was the bait on that job too… I’m starting to think that Keith is rigging the straws…

Next time, I’ll be the one handing them out thank you very much.

The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

Aaaand that’s their cue.

One of the worst, most ugly creatures in existence walks out of some brush.

It takes one look at me and decides it needs to investigate my viscera covered “corpse”.

Beavers.

Dire-beavers to be precise. Imagine if a beaver, a bat, and a hippopotamus all somehow had a kid together, and then somehow also had a kid with whatever came out the first time.

Whatever you ended up with would be gross, indecent, and entirely disgusting, and there were three of them walking towards me looking… hungry…

Biiiiig fucking nope.

The moment they get within a few meters, the trap was sprung.

They were caught in some nets that we hung above them in the canopy, but they wouldn’t be held in them for long.

“AAAAAAHHH!!” the forest shouted, this time revealing Dirge, the tank.

He lifted his greataxe and charged the dire-beavers before they could escape the nets.

The greataxe came down and split open the head of the one closest to me.

So much blood…

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“You people are footing the bill for this! Not me!”

It’ll take weeks to get this smell out of my armor.

“This is a new set of gear! Why did it have to be me!”

“Yea yea.” Keith said.

“We’ll give you some of our shares… over our cold dead lifeless corpses.” Dirge laughed.

“Well you have to admit, you do end up being the bait a lot… maybe I should do it next time.” Qeth offered.

“Nope!” “Nah.” “Not in a thousand years.” We all denied her.

“oh, okay” she said back.

No need for that. Wouldn’t want her getting hurt.

I give a sigh.

“If you don’t pay for this, I’ll tell Mamma Anna.” I quipped.

Dirge tensed up at the mention of his grandmother.

“You wouldn’t…” he tried.

“She and I could sit down and have a loooong chat! Catch up, trade pointers. We could make a day out of it!”

I give him a look so he knows I’m serious.

“No need for that!” He quickly backpedaled.

Hook, line, and sinker.

“Okay, I’ll pay for the cleanup.”

“Pansy.” Keith said.

“Oh and you think you can stand up to Mamma? Go ahead and try; I’ll watch from a safe distance thank you very much.” Dirge grumbled.

“You know, Shi, eventually you’ll have to find better blackmail material. One day he’ll just start to ignore that one.” Keith said.

“I keep telling you to stop calling me that! My name is Naphrashi. If you’re going to say my name, you should get it correct!”

“You know I can’t roll my tongue like that! You’ll be hard-pressed to find anyone around here who can!”

“Well at least come up with something better than Shi!”

“I see the town everyone.” Qeth spoke up.

“Really? Well that went by fast. Usually it takes us half a day to get out that far.” Dirge mused.

“Well, we were having fun, so…”

Qeth you are so precious. Never change.

“Halt!” the guardsman shouted.

“We have to inspect your wares!”

“We don’t have any wares!” We shouted back for what feels like the hundredth time.

“You know the rules, all items must go through inspection!”

“Mort! You’ve known us for years! You know that we know that your little “rule-book” isn’t actually law right?” Dirge shouted.

“You can’t keep hounding us every time we come back to town. We will report you.” Keith added.

“I will go get the guard captain right now and drag him here to beat the shit out of you. I have half a mind to do it myself!” I said.

“Fine! Fine. Just move along.” he grumbled.

“Come on guys.” Dirge said, “We’ve got stuff to do.”

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While Dirge and Keith left to go turn in the quest, and Qeth went to talk to the client, I was tasked with gear repair.

I dropped off the gear at Hermit’s Armor Repair shop and started making my way back to the guild.

When I arrived, I saw Qeth and Keith waiting at the front desk.

“What are you guys waiting there for?”

Qeth was the one to respond. “We’re waiting for Dirge. He’s been in with the guild master for a while. Something about a quest?”

“Yea, but they were being all secretive about it.” Keith added.

“Well he better get out here soon, he still owes me for the repair costs.”

As I was saying that, he walked out with a grim look on his face.

“The fuck happened to you?” Keith asked.

“George gave us a priority request.” Dirge announced.

“No!” I stop him before this goes to far.

“I will not sneak into another one of those gods be-damned cults for at least a year! I have half a mind to…”

“Wait! It’s not an infiltration mission.”

…

“Really? What do they want us to do then?”

He sighs. I’m starting to get a bad feeling about this…

“They want us to investigate a missing caravan.”

“Why?” Keith asked.

A valid question; caravans go missing all the time, there must be a catch.

“He wouldn’t tell me outright, I think he’s under contract to not say. But he heavily implied that one of the merchants was a noble.”

That got our attention.

“… Oh.” I was at a loss for words.

“Well… shit.”