The Lamest Way to Die
[Yahello and good day to all, author here! This is my first time writing, so I still don't know some stuffs, but I promise that I will do my best to improve! Thank You!]
...
...
-As one of To Work is To Lose people like our very own Hachiman, Brian thought of the Pandemic Period as nothing less than a blessing in disguise. A period in which he could enjoy watching anime, reading mangas and novels, playing games, and sleeping as much as he wants without any guilt. In his mind, he's just following the protocols and he even proudly thought that based on his exemplary behavior in following the protocols word by word, it won't be a surprise if the government awarded him a medal for being an exemplary citizen during a crisis.
Maybe the heavens can no longer tolerate his arrogance, and judged that his blissful life is simply too much in comparison to those who are suffering, the heavens finally decided to kick this hopeless fool out of this world.
------
'Still no digital copy of Konosuba's final volume?? Jeez! I've been waiting for it since before it was even released. Fxcking Web Pirates, do your job well!'
Brian grumbled as he repeatedly tapped the refresh button on his phone's browser, hoping that a new title would somehow find itself in the search page that would provide him with the file of his most awaited Novel's last volume. But of course, there's no way such a lucky thing would happen.
Finally having accepted the cruelness of fate, Brian tapped onto the Tabs Option at the top right corner of the screen, and scrolled up and down among the more than hundreds of saved tabs in the browser. Of course, most of them are about the novels he is currently reading, and anime sites that are already showing the latest episodes of the newest released animes like Oregairu, Re:Zero, etc. that he had been waiting for years to come out.
As a show of his laziness, he lefts the tabs opened even after he watched the latest episodes, so that all he needs to do is to refresh the page at about 1 week after the latest release, and see if the button showing *Next Episode* would appear. That is also the same for the other ongoing stuffs that he is eying. One could already guess why his browser contains hundreds of tabs.
Anyway, the most interesting thing is, among the tabs that are left open, there are a few that aren't about fictional works, but are about science related dissertations. As a somewhat(well maybe he really is) genius teen, he has a dream of one day becoming a Physicist, for a cute reason of wanting to create the ultimate High Fantasy novel, or the greatest Infinity Genre literature. For that, he is more than willing to invest little bits of his time regularly to study science.
But this time, the destination of his minute- long scrolling is not to read a science dissertation.
'Found it! I'm still amazed with how much effort its Doujin Artist invested into this work. A 30 pages all Coloured Masterpiece?! Really show who's the fans' favourite!'
"Miku-chan Daisuuuuki!" (For those interested, the code is 310723... Enjoy!)
With a loud shout that woke up his roommates- his tired parents, he hurriedly left the room with dreamy eyes. Of course, his shout earned him an earful as one would expect!
"Did you finally lose your Goddamn mind?! It's all because of that sh*tty cell phone!" A loud shout from his mother followed him as he closed the door.
As one could tell, his mom is just another typical Asian Moms who blame cellphones/ smartphones (most of them do not even know nor care for the difference) as the reason why their dear children are turning more and more into Certified Scums of Society (SCS for short). Though in Brian's case, blaming his addiction to gadgets for his parasitic lifestyle may not be that far off from bull's eye.
---
*Rub*
*Rub*
*Rub*
Up, Down, Up, Down... Repeatedly, with a constant rhythm, a spear that can't be described as Long nor short, and thick nor thin, is being stroked so gently like how one would stroke a female's skin.
In just 2 minutes(he's a quick shooter), his raging spear was already prepared to blast off Hot Qi from its tip, when a knock capable of destroying even the calmness of a Bhuddist Monk echoed out in the enclosed space that is the bathroom...
If you stumble upon this tale on Amazon, it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.
"What are you doing in there?!!"
A shout from his *damnable* uncle at the other side of the door made the almost at the climax Brian to shake vehemently in fright, and the smartphone held on his left hand slipped out of it, sliding a good half a meter away from him.
'Fxck!'
Scared that his phone was broken, Brian hurriedly stood up from his throne, his spear dangling, still hard and lamenting about not being able to do its Signature Move; Rapid Qi Blast. As he bowed down to pick up his phone sprawled on the wet ground, the accident that ironically leads to the Greatest Legend in a parallel World happened.
Unbeknownst to Brian, a soap, one of his favourite Brand, was lying on the floor just beside the throne, as if laying in wait for when a sexy little fox steps on it. Though in this case, the victim of the trap is not a sexy little fox, but a horny Otaku that rushed to the bathroom because his little spear felt a tingling...
The moment his feet landed on the soap, the leg that was barely standing in the dark room was no longer able to support itself due to the wet floor and the soapy texture pitted in between the floor and the surface of his foot. With a *swish*, never mind an action movie like scenario where his arms instinctively moved to protect his head from the expected fall, his mind is still in a cloudy state, not being able to perceive what is happening and his body is still at zero-strength state due to his pleasure-making session from before.
With a silent *thud*, his head hit the sharp contusion on the floor. This contusion had long been listed as one of Brian's greatest enemies. But most of the time, other than accidentally hitting his foot in it(Of course it made him wail loudly all the time), or landing on it with his butt, there's no major accident that happened because of it yet, at least not until this moment.
Had this been a boxing match, then the past accidents are merely light jobs, while the current one is a direct punch that would send Brian to Heaven and Beyond.
Anyway, the commotion in the bathroom did not go unnoticed to his uncle outside, but no matter how much he shouted, and tried to force open the door, the door didn't budge at all. For this, we could credit Brian's preparation, for he made sure to double lock the door before doing the most sacred ritual of humanity.
Now lying on the floor, blood flowing out of the wound on his head, and his conscious dimming, Brian can only stare at the night sky scenery outside the single rectangular window of the bathroom as strength and life is sipping out from his body. His conscious now barely holding on, the last thought that appeared in his mind was...
..
..
..
"Did I buy an Isekai Insurance?-"
.....With such a ridiculous final thought, his Conscious finally fell into the darkness of eternal slumber.
----
On the date July 30 2020, a shocking news made its way on every News Channels, about a Young Adult that was found dead in the bathroom of his own house, with evidence of him performing the sacred deed before his accidental death.
***
"Hey You! You're Finally Awake!"
---------
At the same time, somewhere in the mainland of Alfeim...
"Little girl...Daddy here will count upto three, either give the orb back and maybe, just maybe I'll let you go, or struggle and when daddy catches you, and surely I would, I'll play with your body to my hearts content first before--- Shaa!"
Shouted a burly man towering with a height of 3 meters to the surroundings with no one in sight, along with his right hand forming a fist with only the thumb pointing towards him, and then running it along his neck. It does not take an intelligent man to understand what he meant by it, though whether the "girl" he's threatening even saw his action or not is currently unknown.
At the moment, the Moon is at its highest point, signifying that the time is at the dead of night. The only lighting available is the stone of light that is fixed in the middle of a bandana that is then worn on the head of the burly man.
Though even the light being released by the stone was not enough to chase away the darkness, rather, as time passed by, the area shined by the stone was being more constricted, as the darkness filled with mana retaliate against its eternal foe, slowly trying to completely devour the light, and it won't stop until not even a trace of it was left.
Feeling the bizarreness of the surroundings, a sense of irritation and urgency clouded the man's brain.
Throwing a spear in a random direction which happens to be at a place diagonal to the man from the back and along the direction of his left side, a loud *Grunt* echoed out as the spear he threw with casual strength pierced through a few meter thick trees, and not stopping until it reached the ground an entire one hundred meters away from where he stands.
As bats and other nocturnal creatures were disturbed of their peace, yet not having any chance of retaliation, they had no choice but to hurriedly scurried away from the zone of the fight, as staying a second longer would just put their lives in greater and unnecessary danger.
Though other than the surrounding trees and their leaves being naturally rocked by the ruckus made by the fear-ridden animals as they tried to escape, a bush a few meters away from where the spear lands moved ever so slightly, that had it been a weaker opponent, it would be treated as a mere natural movement like those in its surroundings.
Unfortunately, the Burly Man is too strong to be considered as one of the "Weaker Ones".
"FOUND YOU~"
Along with a smile so savage-looking for it reveals even his canine tooth, the burly man made a leap.
*Bang* *Swishhh*
The first sound being the sound of the man's feet as they used the ground as an intermediary to gain enough force to propel the body forward, and the second being the sound as the man traveled through the air at a speed that causes visible air friction to appear. In not even a couple of seconds, the man was only a quarter of the total distance away from where the bushes moved unnaturally.
But it was at this moment that suddenly, taking the speed of the man as he moved through the air in consideration, a black figure neared the man from above. In just a fraction of a second, the black figure had already clinged with its hands onto the man's neck, even as the weight and force of the body continued to pull the man forward along with it.
Looking close, the figure is clad with a black mantle that covers half of its head, and reaches up to the soles of its shoes. The figure also wears matching black clothes that were inscribed with a magic spell that causes it to not reflect any glimmer of light that does not even reach a value of 10,000 Lumens in Earth's Measurement. Because of that, the light of the stone that has a shine of about 5,000 to 6,000 Lumens was not able to reveal the figure as it hid itself in the darkness and within the bunch of tree leaves.
Though other than the clothes being worn by the figure, one would notice that even with the thick and baggy garments covering its entire body, the hips and the chest part show bumps in a round form, establishing the fact that even with the baggy garments, the figure of the shadow inside was good enough to affect its total figure even with the clothes on.
Normally, such observation would mean with a high chance that the one wearing the clothes is a female, and one with a voluptuous body at that. That is also what the burly man concluded and why he tried to threaten the shadow with her body as the main focus.
Anyway, the cling only lasts for a few seconds, because before the burly man could even react and swing his spear towards his back, the shadow had already pierced her dagger to the neck of the man, cutting the Carotid Artery in a single motion with both precision and sharpness.
The moment the momentum from the earlier propulsion was exhausted, the forward movement of the man's body came to a gradual halt a few centimeters above the ground. But instead of using his legs as an anchor to balance his body as it lands, the man hits the ground head first while facing the sky, and his limbs as if jelly were pointed erratically in all directions.
A few meters away from the man, the shadow doesn't waste any second as it moves to follow the man's body to where it fell, and when it catched up to the man, it once again brandished its dagger and hacked away at the 2 front limbs of the convulsing body in front of it. Only after doing so did the shadow stopped and moved away a few steps. Yet the shadow's hand still held its dagger firmly, ready to step up once the man's body showed any threatening movement.
-(Chapter End)-