An egregiously large man jovially waddled over to Edith and Reginald clapping his hands. His gait gave the impression that he was constantly on the brink of losing his balance, resembling an extremely oversized penguin. The closer the man got, the bigger he proved to be. Reginald coughed nervously, he was feeling slightly insecure now that he was next to someone of the stature that he thought he would be as a human, the stature he thought- knew- he deserved.
“Do you know what little man syndrome is?” The Voice chuckled inside of him. Shut it, peasant. Whatever ‘little man syndrome’ was Reginald decided he didn’t want it. He wanted nothing to do with being little.
“This is my Papa, Timothy Buttons.” Edith pointed to the positively large man. “Nicknamed Tiny, Tiny Timothy or Tiny Tim; whichever you so choose.” Edith turned to her father. “Papa, I was on my journeys today when I was threatened by some awfully rude fellow. Fortunately, I was saved by this man, Reggie-”
REgGiE?!
“Reginald, the name is. If you could roll your Rs as if you are roaring while saying my name that would be fantastic.” On second thoughts Reginald added, “If you can’t, leave it out. I’d rather my name not be screwed up completely.”
Tiny Tim took one look at Reginald and let out a loud guffaw. “HA. HA. HA. You’re having us on. He saved you? One of my daughters? The fruit of my loins? Surely you mean you saved him? Or he saved himself from you?”
Edith blushed shaking her head furiously trying to deny what her father was saying.
I knew it. I knew she had designs on me. Reginald held himself tight in his arms. Will I ever be safe with such charm and charisma in this harsh, harsh world?
As if Edith knew what Reginald was thinking, she shook her head even faster, “My Papa happens to think I am extremely strong.” Reginald thought about the way she winded him and grimaced.
“Anyway, Papa, Reggie- an upcoming young knight- happens to be in need of a place to sleep and food to eat. Would it be ok if he stays here?”
The Voice chipped in worried for its own lodgings, “For free. Reggie, do us both a favour and ask if it is ok if you stay here for free?”
Pipe down. I don’t need you in my ear. I am not a beggar; I don’t need to stay anywhere for free, Reginald snapped at the Voice.
Reginald came up with his own great idea. “For free?” He asked wishfully.
“Any friend of one of my daughters is a friend of mine. Young knight, you can stay here for as long as you wish.” Tiny bellowed.
Reginald let out a small smile pleased with his plan. These meddlesome humans were turning out to be quite the caretakers.
-----
What type of meat is this anyway? Reginald asked the incessant nagger that was the Voice looking distrustfully at the meal that the great, big Tiny Tim had the sense to promptly served him.
“What do you usually eat?”
Zebra, hare, bird, mice, crocodile, the odd baby giraffe… and a little human never killed anyone.
There was a short silence before the Voice said, “beef. It’s just beef.”
As hungry as the ravenous beast he truly was, Reginald had eagerly taken a seat in the cosy tavern. The savoury aroma of the tangy spices and roasted meat on the plate that had been set before him filled the air and made his stomach grumble in anticipation. This is the life, Reginald mused happily. With no hunting necessary. He took a deep breath and tucked in merrily trying to fit as much food in his mouth as possible, moaning as he relished the flavours revealed. Seasoning was what the animal kingdom happened to be missing. Reginald felt that nothing could stop the happiness that he felt in that very moment.
These disposable thumbs are certainly worth the hype. Great for shovelling food.
“Opposable thumbs. Not disposable,” the Voice said.
Reginald carried on with his shovelling, oblivious to the quietening of the atmosphere around him.
The Voice coughed gently. “I say Mister Man, you are going to have to try to act like a knight. Most other knights hail from noble backgrounds, you must learn to fit in.”
Reginald hadn’t the foggiest clue what the Voice was talking about, which of course made his curious. I am a knight. How could I possibly act more like something I already am?
“Knights usually have something called… manners.”
Reginald thought hard about where he had heard that word before. When he finally got it, he smiled a grimace, I do have manners. If I remember correctly, I am on manners beginner 1/5.
“So, act like it. Can’t you see the way everyone is looking at you?” the Voice said.
A glance was all it took for Reginald to realise that the Voice was right, everyone was glowering at him. And though he did think that people would be right for revelling in his majesty, he had a funny feeling that they weren’t looking at him for that. Maybe they covet my food, Reginald growled lowly and snarled to stop covetous eyes, wiping the food around his mouth with his sleeve. It usually worked in the jungle. Today, without the backing of arms (or legs he hadn’t quite worked it out yet) that could hold up the sky, it didn’t work.
Reginald gritted his teeth. That didn’t work either.
Reginald stared directly at each and every single one of his avid observers. Everyone looked at him as if he was the crazy one, and then they started to voice their thoughts.
“Oh my,” one particularly concerned looking woman said, "he’s making all sorts of weird faces. Does he need a doctor?”
“Or the vicar,” someone called out from the back of the tavern, “he seems utterly possessed.”
Reginald was fed up with these lesser beings speaking about him so casually. “Voice. Helper. Meagre slave. How to stop these humans from looking upon me? Rise and show yourself Voice, go forth and hunt them, before I do them due damage.” Reginald made sure to speak out loud this time when addressing the Voice, so everyone in the room could also witness his power. But the Voice didn’t say anything or show himself, whether in fear or in resignation Reginald who had no clue about the world of humans did not know.
“Wierdo.” “Freak.” “Nutter.” Was just some of the abuse that was hurled at Reginald after his statement.
Am I laughingstock? He shuddered.
“I am having a conversation. Don’t interrupt.” Reginald said to the offenders.
The loudest of the group scoffed, “We can see that. You’re having a conversation… with yourself. Bless the mentally ill but ever look at me or speak about me like that again and I’ll blow your head off.”
Oooh Violent, Reginald thought, that does sound dangerous. Appreciation flooded Reginald; how can I do that? That sounded cool. I’ll blow your head off. Ooh.
[Very well done!]
[You have levelled up the skill [SOCIALISATION] for your newfound ability to appreciate others and their talents.]
[SOCIALISATION BEGINNER 2/5]
[+1 CHA]
It was at that point that Reginald looked up into the bar in search of a familiar face and saw a sight to behold. A real woman. A fantastically plump woman. A woman that looked like she had hair on her legs. Beatrix buttons, Reginald recognised her straight away, Edith had spoken highly of the woman, her sister, the whole carriage ride. They could not be more different; one was a hummingbird, the other a hippopotamus, one was a teapot, the other a tornado, one was frail and the other quite fat.
How lovely. Fat was definitely not an insult when it came out of Reginald’s mouth. Why would it be? The way he thought, the fatter, the better. Fat was like money in Reginald’s mind, more was always better. All the better to see, all the better to eat. All the better.
The men that were no longer glowering at him, were looking in the same direction at Reginald at Beautiful Beatrix at the bar. Well, she is easy on the eyes.
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“They are not looking at her, but her sister, Edith.” The Voice made his reappearance.
Of course, Reginald tittered, they would never dare glance at Beatrix. Not everyone can have the best they must settle. Reginald glanced sorrily at poor Edith before turning his gaze back to Beatrix. They know their place when it really comes down to it. Never look at the woman of the King- Reginald was referring to himself as king of course.
Without any apparent conscious thought, Reginald’s body moved towards Beatrix, totally enthralled by her.
“Your wives are here.” The bone crushing information hit Reginald right through his skull and made him plop right back down to his seat in agony. He had nearly died. The naggers that he had the misfortune to call wives, especially, Priscilla the old hag, would chew him apart like the bone of a dog if they saw him.
Why didn’t you tell me this earlier? Where are they? Reginald thought ducking his head and looking around to see if he was still in grave danger. He was growing faint with the thought of coming face to face with the mothers of his cubs.
“Sorry, I didn’t know a lion could be so easily, moved by their emotion. Especially in such an infantile manner. What I meant was your wives are in the kingdom also taking up characters so don’t do anything dumb.”
Before Reginald could give the Voice a deservedly harsh reply to remind the Voice that he was a powerful lion who yielded to no-one, whose emotions never got the best of him, and who was unshaken in times of trouble as he had the spirit of the greatest beast to ever grace the land, he was picked up slightly by the collar.
“You think you could get a woman like her. I saw the way you stared at her; Edith.” A man whose breath couldn’t even be found with hyenas in the heat of the desert making Reginald a little faint said. “Look at you so limp and frail. You’re nothing but flesh and bones you. You don’t look like you belong here. Why don’t you skip along to your own town… before we make you.”
Trying to summon the spirit of the greatest beast, or any beast at all at that point, Reginald replied, “I do be-belong here. I hap-happen to be a knight. A cour-cour-courageous knight.”
The man with the dragon breath looked around at his friends and together they started taking off in peals of laughter, “YOU ARE A KNIGHT. A knig-knight that talks like thi-this.” The man mimicked Reginald and cued laughter to go around the room.
Reginald’s bottom lip started to tremble, and he unwillingly whimpered slightly.
Not that it changed anything, the baton got passed around. “If he’s a knight, then boys, I say we quit our day jobs. Never been an easier way to make money.”
“You guys get this. If he’s a knight, I’m the king of the kingdom.” A cheer went around the room.
Somehow, water escaped from Reginald’s eyes. What is this unnatural emptiness in my stomach that torments me? I just ate. It took Reginald a while to put a finger on that he was feeling hurt and rejected. I have heard about this ailment of unnecessary emotions that plagues the human species. Why does it choose to befall me now? It was ridiculous. Reginald wouldn’t be able to hunt with such emotions, he couldn’t fight with such emotions, he couldn’t even defecate with such futile emotions pestering his spirit.
The baton had been passed nearly the whole way around the room until it befell the man who had started it all and was ready to pick up his turn again, “If he’s a knight I’d slam a dozen eggs upon my head I would. DO YOU KNOW WHY?”
“WHY?” The crowd shouted out in unison. Some of them were munching merrily on some cheese. Others were waving their hands in the air like the man was preaching. All were enjoying the latest show which was proving to be more eventful than the flute or the fiddle.
“BECAUSE… BECAUSE…” The man was having so much fun and could hardly contain himself, “HE’S CLEARLY NOT A KNIGHT; the skinny twig looking thing.”
In that moment Reginald regretted all the words he said about the straw haired, twig looking, knobbly knees having friend that he called Edith. It’s not her fault. We are one and the same, he sniffled sadly.
It was as if Edith heard him speaking. Edith passed Reginald a box of eggs.
It was as if this Voice had finally come to its senses and had started acknowledging Reginald as the champion he was. “You’re a lion, act like one,” the Voice proclaimed.
With only a couple of actions from his faithful allies, confidence started surged through Reginald’s veins. He felt empowered. He suddenly felt secure in his wiry arms; he was starting to think all the better to fly. His chest instantly felt bulkier as if he could crack a rock between his perky pectoral muscles. He felt intimidating and he felt good.
With newfound courage, Reginald picked up one of the eggs and addressed the ringleader of the formidable gang of geezers with resolve. “You don’t know who you are messing with,” he growled brandishing the end menacingly. “Big mistake,” Reginald picked up another egg with his other hand.
He could have sworn he saw his newfound opponent trembling with trepidation. He could have sworn the ringleader was two seconds away from wetting his overstretched pants. Reginald grunted menacingly, “Biggest mistake.”
Since Reginald had just nailed [INTIMIDATION] like never seen before, he decided that it was time for action. He threw the egg in his right hand directly at the ringleader. It hit the man between his eyes. The man gasped shocked. The whole tavern was silent.
[GOOD AIM. MAYBE YOU WILL BE A GREAT ARCHER?]
[You have been awarded with a new skill; [OFFENCE]]
[OFFENCE Beginner 1/5]
[+1 STR, +1 CHA]
The Voice rang inside of Reginald urging him on. “He seems to not get the message. Again. Again. Again. Don’t lose heart, partner.”
In the back of his mind, the Voice’s words resonated with Reginald. “You seem to not get the message” Reginald said. Then, Reginald threw the other egg.
Another bullseye. Reginald smirked. “You said ‘a dozen eggs'? Only ten more to go.”
War broke loose.
Tables were getting flipped. Food was getting thrown. Drinks were getting spilt. And Reginald was getting a real big battering.
A fist from a beefy man flew out and connected with Reginald’s jaw. Reginald didn’t see it coming, as the black eye he had recently acquired- about two punches ago- prevented his peripheral vision from functioning.
[GOOD KITTY. YOU TAKE A PUNCH LIKE NO PROBLEM.]
[For your efforts you have levelled up in the skill [DEFENCE]]
[DEFENCE Beginner 2/5]
[+1 AGI, +1 END]
TAKE A PUNCH LIKE NO PROBLEM? Through his limited vision, Reginald managed to see the insult that he was being served with. Feeling incredibly disrespected, Reginald decided to usurp his efforts.
Someone kicked Reginald in the shin. Another person punched Reginald in the belly. Reginald managed while he was falling down to both drag a foe down to the floor with him and fling an additional egg at the ringleader’s head -which he was pleased to see landed on its target.
The man that Reginald had brought down to the floor held the upper hand and he had no intention of letting it slip. The man regained his footing and effortlessly maneuvered Reginald from left to right, then back to left again, as though Reginald was nothing more than a meagre mop. The disorientating movement left Reginald feeling dizzy.
The dreaded blue screen popped up again.
[GREAT JOB.]
[Due to the great practice that you- a keen learner- initiated, you have won the skill, [GRAPPLING]]
[GRAPPLING Beginner 1/5]
[+1 END, +1 STR, +1 WIL]
A bunch of nonsense. I didn’t initiate anything. I was the victim of jealousy.
Despite the barrage of kicks that Reginald’s body was having to endure, he summoned his last ounce of strength and clamped his teeth onto the man’s ankle. A primal scream echoed around the room as the man tumbled to the ground, writhing in agony. Reginald, victorious, wore a toothy grin on his face, basking in the sweet satisfaction of his retaliation.
Reginald’s smile was quickly turned upside down as a barstool being brandished by another foe collided with his stomach. As stars were being created in Reginald’s vision, it was becoming abundantly clear to him that the war had not been won, rather just a minor battle.
I am absolutely delightful. How does such a foul ringleader with an extremely disagreeable personality get so many faithful servants, and I am stuck with a little voice in my head?
In the midst of the commotion, Reginald could hear Edith’s family busy calming down the non-combatants. But, as the situation escalated, the family members sprang into action, each holding back several of the brainless hoodlums who were intent on causing harm to Reginald.
Reginald began flailing his legs wildly defending himself all the more.
“OW!” A gruff voice screamed.
That doesn’t sound good, Reginald smiled knowing that he had the ability to inflict pain. Reginald winced at the revenge he was sure may come.
“Thank you,” the gentle ring of Edith’s voice told that he had unknowingly helped her in some way.
A punch was swiftly delivered into Reginald’s belly.
[NOBLE LEVEL UP FOR YOUR WILLINGNESS TO SAVE A FAIR LADY]
[You are now at NOBLE Beginner 3/5]
[+1 CHA, +1 STR]
The family of helpers had formed a semi-protective barrier around Reginald, but emphasis on the semi. One man managed to make his way through and although Reginald’s eyes were by now nearly swollen all the way shut, he could tell that it was the ringleader as he could smell the same sort of deadly fumes that had rendered him weak earlier. The man, who Reginald now knew was named Trevor, gripped the bruised and battered Reginald by the collar.
Plonk.
Reginald found his head being dipped into a vat of water. He couldn’t breathe. His arms started moving around him wildly as he tried to find a way to get out of his predicament.
[GREAT JOB LEARNING TO SWIM]
[The new skill you have earned is called [SWIMMING MACHINE]]
[SWIMMING MACHINE Beginner]
YOU CRAZED TYRANTS! Reginald swore to the creators of such a place. I am a prized lion, you simple peasants.
The combination of panic and anger caused Reginald to start inhaling water. The consequence: he began to splutter wildly. I need to calm down, or else I perish.
Reginald was let up for a little bit of air, before being pushed back in.
“Try to breathe,” the Voice let out calmly.
Anger bubbled in Reginald’s chest when he realised that for all the Voice’s provoking, he was the only one who seemed to be suffering. And now the Voice had the audacity to give him stupid advice? As if Reginald was some sort of beast who couldn’t think before he acted. Breathe?! Are you telling me to breathe, you loathsome creature?! How you have tried to kill me! Your descendants shall suffer my wrath! I shall feed them to my cubs! You yourself shall perish-
A flood of blue messages about nobility and charisma interrupted Reginald’s speech, as well as one that made his neck itch.
YOU HAVE DONE SUCH A BRILLIANT JOB TRAINING TODAY. AND SO, YOU HAVE BEEN GRANTED ANOTHER MISSION THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO COMPLETE BY NEXT WEEK.
DON’T BOTHER THANKING US. WE ARE HERE TO HELP.
Oh shucks. Fiddlesticks. Muffins. Ridiculous rubbish. They want to kill me. As if they haven’t done enough. Reginald was moaning so much over this new information that he didn’t even realise that he was no longer getting dunked into water, the room had quietened down and his life was pretty much safe- for now.
“ENOUGH. WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?”
“QUICKLY. DO WHAT HE SAYS.”
“How dare you fight in the territory that I have pledged to protect?”
The voice of the last speaker completely stopped all remnant of commotion.