James quickly began reading, dying to know about his son realizing his true heritage.

The escape of the Brazilian boa constrictor earned Harry his longest-ever punishment.

Then he froze after only one sentence, feeling bile rising thick and fast in his throat.

"Longest ever punishment?" Sirius hissed, "and how long would that be?"

All eyes swiveled to the adult Harry, who remained quiet and was hoping this would quickly pass. Then his mum surprised him by placing her hand gently on his shoulder and whispering, "It's alright dear, no one is blaming you. We just want to know."

Once again relaxing at her touch, he finally admitted, "A month, give or take a bit."

Lily pursed her lips, determined not to start screaming again after she had just reassured her son.

Remus managed to ask through clenched teeth, "When it said, locked up, what exactly did that entail?" At first he had thought of it like grounding a child, in a more medieval fashion but still. The no meals thing had pushed him to question this further.

Harry didn't really want to answer, as his Aunt and Uncle had always threatened far worse punishment if he ever told the school about his sleeping arrangements, but his Aunt and Uncle weren't here. These people had shown nothing but loving kindness to him, who was by all accounts a stranger. They deserved the truth. "I was let out once a day to use the loo; otherwise I was literally locked up." He said quietly.

"Did they ever hit you?" James snapped almost before Harry had finished, after all if they could imprison a child, what else had they done? He didn't like the way his boy kept edging around this.

"Never left a bruise," Harry answered honestly, "knocked me around a bit, spanked me sure, but they never left a bruise." Harry felt like he was reassuring them while carefully wording his answer.

Lily dearly wanted to ask what the school must have thought, but she didn't think she could stand listening to whatever lie they would have told to keep Harry in there. Still none of the four were happy, James decided they had pressed enough for now. Harry was looking more and more likely to bolt from the room if they kept up this line of questioning.

By the time he was allowed out of his cupboard, the summer holidays had started and Dudley had broken the majority of his birthday presents and run over the neighbor.

"Why do we have to keep hearing about this?" Sirius sighed. "I really don't want to keep hearing about that stupid little boy."

Harry was glad school was over because that meant he had a chance to wander around the neighborhood and avoid Dudley's gang, whose favorite game was Harry Hunting.

"Do I even need to ask?" Remus frowned.

Harry shook his head and said, "Nah, they liked to chase me down, but they couldn't often catch me. I've always been pretty fast."

Lily sniffed and glanced about the room, finding irony in the fact that these boys were upset that Harry had been bullied, yet didn't even seem to realize they themselves were bullies. Now seeing the damage it could do to the victim, maybe the next time she brought it up they might actually understand.

Harry thought to himself that he was almost looking forward to next year, when he'll be going to the local public school, while Dudley would be going to a private school.

"While that would have been nice," James smiled, "being away from your horrid cousin and all, I am quite pleased that you will be going to Hogwarts instead."

"How do you know?" Harry couldn't help but ask. After all, would a wizarding school take someone who didn't even know they were a wizard?

"Did you not pay attention to all that accidental magic before?" Sirius demanded. "Of course we know you're going."

Harry instantly felt reassured and motioned for his father to go on.

Dudley thought this was funny.

"Why would going to public school be funny?" Lily asked, genuinely confused.

Remus shook his head in pained remembrance as he told her, "Because some people were raised to believe that anything lesser than them was meant to be laughed at."

He told Harry that the school initiation was to stuff people's heads down toilets, and offered to do it to Harry now.

All three boys tensed up at this, not wanting to start in on another round of bullying already.

Harry's response is to tell him no, because the toilets never had anything as bad as Dudley's head down it, the toilet might get sick, then Harry ran.

While everyone laughed at the boy's wit Harry beamed with pride at remembering how long it had taken Dudley to figure it out and come after him. He hadn't even been punished for it.

One day during the holiday Petunia took Dudley to get his school uniform and left Harry at Mrs. Figg's.

"Ouch," Sirius winced. "Looks like you didn't get out of seeing her after all. Cabbages, bletch!"

She wasn't as bad as Harry remembered her anymore; she had recently tripped over one of her cats and didn't seem as fond of them.

"Oh," Sirius cried, perking up at once. "Well then for once the little pup ought to have a good time."

She let Harry watch television and gave him some chocolate cake.

The rest of the adults hadn't looked ready to believe Sirius until they read it for themselves, now they were all smiling and hoping for some inexplicable reason that Harry would spend the rest of his time there until school started. Sadly this idea was ruined the moment James continued reading.

When the Dursley's got back, Dudley spent the night in his new uniform, which was

maroon in color with orange knickerbockers and straw hats.

Remus made exaggerated gagging noises with his throat while Lily grumbled under her breath, "Remind me to never complain about the school uniforms again."

They also carried knobby sticks, used for hitting each other while the teachers weren't looking.

James spluttered in disbelief but Lily sighed and stated, "Don't even start James. You know very well you cursed anyone you could get your wand on without being caught. It's the same basic principle."

James looked slightly hurt but had no way to really deny this so let it go and moved on.

While Petunia crooned about her little Dudders, Harry was trying his hardest not to laugh at the whole spectacle.

"Glad to know he looked as ridiculous as we thought," James chuckled. Sirius was fighting the impulse to comment on the baby name that had been used.

The next morning, when Harry entered the kitchen, he saw his aunt bent over a tub that was full of what looked like dirty rags in grey water.

"What's that?" Remus asked. Without looking up James kept reading.

When Harry asked what it was, his aunt at first clenched up, always hateful whenever Harry dared to ask a question.

Lily huffed and grumbled under her breath, but again James didn't bother pausing.

She did decide to answer him though, by telling him it was his school uniform.

"What!" Everyone in the room yelped.

"Why are you so surprised?" Harry asked, genuinely confused. "The book already told you that they gave me Dudley's old clothes."

"It's just-" James started, then looked to the others who were all just as appalled that Harry wasn't more upset by this, "Just last night your cousin paraded around in a brand new uniform and now you're watching your Aunt tell you that they can't be bothered to get you clothes."

Harry merely shrugged, that's how it had always been, why would he be concerned with it now? It had already happened to him several years ago, and he was wearing clothes that fit him just fine now. The four exchanged looks and determined that they would have to have a serious talk with him about this later.

Harry's first response is to tell her he hadn't realized the uniform was supposed to be wet.

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "Brilliant, glad to see you don't take it all lying down."

Petunia snaps back that he was being stupid, that she was just dyeing some of Dudley's old clothes so they would look like everyone else's.

"I can't decide if she's delusional enough to believe that, or just trying to stop Harry from saying anything else," Remus grumbled.

"The first one," James and Lily said at the same time.

Harry had every reason to doubt this, thinking that by the time she was done he'd probably look more like he was wearing bits of old elephant skin.

"Lovely visual description," Sirius smiled.

When the other two Dursleys came in, their noses were wrinkled up from the smell.

"That could only improve their appearances I'm sure," James muttered.

Vernon went to look at his newspaper while Dudley put his Smelting stick on the table, which he carried everywhere.

"Do I even want to know why he carries that around with him everywhere?" Lily sighed. No one answered her, they all knew the answer.

The mail arrived and Vernon tells Dudley to go get the mail.

Sirius pretended to faint in shock while the others did look genuinely surprised at this, until Remus spoke up, "More of that pretending he doesn't exist thing, I'm sure."

"Really Remus," James sighed. "Can't you turn your brain off for five minutes and just be happy about something?"

"Not in my nature really," he said with a benign smile.

Dudley demands Harry should get it and Vernon indeed tells Harry to get it. Harry retaliates by saying Dudley should get it and Vernon tells Dudley to poke Harry with his Smelting Stick.

"Are you kidding me?" Lily yelped, snatching the book away from James to read that one for herself.

James let it go out of his slack grip, "You mean he actually encourages him to beat on you?" he asked his son.

Harry simply shrugged, but chose not to answer that. So what if Uncle Vernon had, even if Dudley did it without his father's permission, he still wouldn't have gotten in trouble for it.

Gingerly taking the book back from his wife, James vowed to move that talk up to after this chapter was over, maybe even sooner if this didn't stop soon.

Harry gives in and goes to get the mail, and finds a letter written for him. It is addressed so accurately, even labeling where he slept in the cupboard, there couldn't be a mistake. He feels instant confusion, since no one in his life had ever written to him.

Remus and Sirius again winced at such a reminder that they were dead, and Lily and James felt their hearts break once again that something so common to a normal person would mean something so big to their child. How lonely a life and James still felt responsible for it all. He would have wanted to quit reading these books after the last chapter if not for one thing keeping him going. He hoped his son would find out what he had done to set Voldemort after his family, and right that wrong. Hopefully it wasn't too late.

He was so lost in thought that he hadn't realized how long the silence had drug on until Harry had

nudged him gently in the side, a questioning look in his eyes. James threw him a quick smile before pressing on.

Harry reflected back on the fact that he had no friends, family or anyone else who would write to him.

Remus and Sirius had continued to sink lower into themselves at this, but Lily looked like she was thinking something over. Since no one spoke up this time though, James kept going without interruption.

The envelope was a thick yellowish parchment and there was no stamp.

"Hey it's his Hogwarts letter!" James brightened up at once. "Please, please, tell me he goes waving that in front of his Aunt and Uncle and we get to read about them tripping over themselves to explain." The malice in his voice was obvious, as was the eagerness coloring his tone as he continued. He didn't even care in that moment he didn't know what a stamp was, just having recognized the standard paper of a wizard's letter.

In the kitchen Vernon yells at Harry to hurry up, sarcastically asking if he was checking for letter bombs, then laughing at his own joke.

"I don't get it," Sirius said, "and I've heard some pretty lame, dumb jokes in my life."

Lily had a pained look on her face, "It's a reference to something in the muggle world that should not be made fun of. Just trust me on that one," she explained. Sirius shrugged and decided not to push it.

When Harry got back to the kitchen, Dudley exclaimed that Harry's got something.

"Why would he shout it like that?" James asked. "Is it really that odd for Harry to have something?"

"I suppose it's the way Harry reacted to it," Remus speculated.

Harry was just unfolding the letter when it was taken from him by Vernon.

All of the adults huffed in agitation at this, but remained silent, wanting to hear the explosion they knew was coming. Lily in particular felt a vindictive pleasure, as Vernon might not understand right away what it was, but Petunia sure would.

Harry shouts back that it is his, but Vernon sneers back who would even be writing to you?

Sirius grimaced in disgust, "I knew they bullied you, but did they always speak to you like that?" he demanded. Harry just shrugged, which was occurring far too often for their liking. Was he always so quiet because of the way he had been treated in his younger years?

Vernon then glances down at the letter and his large face begins reflecting a rainbow of colors at his surprise.

"Well, he certainly knows what it is," Remus said. "Though I wonder why? Do you think Petunia would have told him the name of the school you went to, in preparation for this moment?"

"I suppose so," Lily said absentmindedly, thinking more of the satisfaction that was about to come. They would have to explain to Harry about his parents now.

When he shows it to Petunia her reaction is the same . Dudley demands to see it was well. His parents ignore him, and Dudley then pokes his own father in the head with his stick.

"Really!" the other two marauders cried in shock.

"His violence extends to hitting his own parents?" Lily gasped; her disbelief evident on her face.

Sirius shook his head, "I would have thought he'd just whine some more."

Dudley then shouts that he wants to read that letter.

"What gives him the right?" James muttered.

Harry shouts even louder that he wanted to read it, as it was his!

"While he has every right," Lily sighed, "and he'll probably be the last one to get to."

Vernon shouts at both of them to get out of the kitchen, stuffing the letter away.

All four of the adults frowned at that, this was not the reaction they had been expecting at all. Could they really continue hiding this from Harry?

When Remus voiced this question aloud, Lily said slowly, "No, I should think not. I know for a fact that when a muggle-born receives a Hogwarts letter a representative wizard will show up that day to explain and answer the Muggle's questions. However this is an interesting phenomenon. Harry is a wizard by blood but raised by Muggles who know about the magical world, so it was up to the family to discuss his magic." She paused for a moment, stomaching the bile that rose in her throat as she remembered all of the lies her sister had piled up. "The school knows if the child's letter doesn't reach its intended person, and the letters will continue coming in until they do. What the extent of that is, I have no idea."

After a pregnant pause James finally asked, "How on earth do you know all of that?"

Lily snorted and finally came back to the present, having been lost in a few memories. "It's in Hogwarts a History, establishing how and why the students are selected and introduced into the school."

"Never bothered to read that one," Remus said with fond remembrance. "I preferred preparing for my classes rather than leisure reading. If I did want to read for fun it would always be fiction."

"Guys," Sirius whined when it became obvious this was going to become a full and lively discussion about reading of all things. "I am freely reading and listening to this book, but please don't make me sit here and listen to what you two did in your free time."

"You could do with a bit of extra reading Sirius," Lily snapped, rounding on him at once. "Maybe if you had cracked your school books open to use for more than a pillow-"

The following squabble was familiar enough that James and Remus began laughing, while Harry nudged his father again and asked, "Is this common around here?"

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

"What?" James asked, genuinely confused.

"They're arguing, but they don't seem to be mad about anything?" Harry asked, watching the two with keen interest, and a vague familiarity about two other people arguing a lot...

James felt a pang of sadness once again when he realized his little baby would never see these

kinds of interaction for himself. "Yes Harry, those two often have lively debates with each other, but there's no real heat to them. They just enjoy provoking each other."

Harry nodded as he continued watching, but after a few more moments James cleared his throat loudly and waved the book in his hand around. "Do you suppose we could get back on topic?"

"You just completely ruined what I was saying James," Sirius grumbled, crossing his arms and leaning back against the wall beside the fireplace, but did not stop James as he finally continued.

Harry stands his ground, shouting at the top of his lungs that he wants his letter!

"Now there's a temper we haven't seen," Sirius chuckled lightly.

Vernon lost his temper, grabbed the back of both boys' shirts, and tossed them into the hall.

"What!?" Lily, Remus, and Sirius all squawked, getting to their feet and looking as murderous as they had when they found out about the cupboard.

"I thought you said he never hurt you?" James growled, the book in his fist clenched so tightly it was in danger of ripping.

"I-er-he didn't," Harry said, looking at all of them genuinely confused, "it's not like it hurt," he explained gingerly.

"If he put his hands so easily on his own boy-" Lily began.

"You think I'm lying!" Harry interrupted, feelings of hurt and anger beginning to boil. "I would have told you if he'd done anything worse." His anger managed to keep the shot of shame out of his voice that even though he had told the truth...there was still technically a lie by omission. None of them seemed that happy, but they all backed down, and sat back in their seats.

Harry was still feeling a touch hurt, so James told him gently, "We believe you Harry, we're just beginning to wonder how loosely you use the wording 'knocked around'." Harry just sighed, and waved his father to go on, feeling this didn't need to be discussed further. James disagreed, but was still eager to continue on.

Then he slammed the kitchen door closed. Harry and Dudley had a brief wrestling match of who would watch at the keyhole, which Dudley won, so Harry dropped to his stomach and watched through the crack at the bottom of the door.

"Inventive," Remus beamed.

In the kitchen, Petunia is fretting about how the letter knew where he slept.

"Lily, if they knew where he slept, wouldn't you think there would be an inquiry?" Remus asked, attempting to force a friendly tone into his voice instead of the growl he felt.

Lily pursed her lips in thought before shaking her head and saying, "No, 'fraid not. No one looks at where the letters are addressed, simply if they're muggle-born or not." The others all huffed at that, and now dearly hoped this was a situation where someone magical would come, see this travesty, and have Harry removed that day.

Petunia suggests writing them back, saying they don't want- Vernon cuts her off by saying they won't react at all, but simply ignore the letter's existence.

"Could they though?" James asked, a feeling of fear beginning to twist in his gut. "Could they tell them that I mean. Could they really stop Harry from going to school?"

Lily nearly broke skin over her lip as she worried it before finally answered in a quavering voice, "I suppose, yes they could. After all Hogwarts is not compulsory or mandatory in any way. It is optional for the family to send their student there."

The boys' mouths fell open in shock and horror at what this could mean. Sirius and James getting paler by the second as they looked on at the books in worry. If Harry didn't go to school, he wouldn't be able to get out of that house, wouldn't be able to properly learn magic. Could they really deal with seven books full of these horrible Dursleys?

After a brief bout of shock however, Remus shook himself and said sternly, "No, if they choose to do that, then the ministry will still make an appearance, find out why they choose otherwise, and someone will still find out about the way they treat Harry."

Everyone just turned to Harry, as if expecting an answer, but he simply shrugged and reminded them, "Hey, I'm as clueless as you guys, remember?" Only slightly reassured by Remus, James decided the easiest way to get his answer was to keep reading, rather than let his mind continue such dreadful thoughts.

Petunia tries to protest, but Vernon shouts he's not having one in the house, because they were dangerous!

"Dangerous!" Lily exclaimed. "Honestly Petunia, what have you told him?"

"Nothing good," Sirius grumbled, picking restlessly at the carpet.

That evening Vernon went to visit Harry in his cupboard.

General snorts of crude amusement arose as James demanded. "He fit?"

"Just his head," Harry laughed slightly, happy that he remembered this detail as they continued.

Harry asks for his letter at once, but Vernon tells Harry that the letter wasn't for him.

"Does he really think he's that stupid?" Remus demanded.

"Bet his own son would have fallen for that," Sirius snickered.

Vernon had burned it.

"Harsh," James winced before going on.

Harry snaps back that it wasn't a mistake, but Vernon yelled at him to be silent, and a spider fell from the ceiling onto his head.

"Hope he enjoyed that," Lily said viciously.

He took a few breaths and then tried to force his face into a smile, which looked painful.

"Hope it was," someone muttered.

Vernon tries to go on in a more pleasant tone and tells Harry he thinks he's getting a bit too big for the cupboard.

"A bit big for it?" Lily said, looking faint. "When did you come to that conclusion? Before or after you realized it was illegal?" Harry put a reassuring hand on his mother's shoulder before asking his dad to go on, James conceded that there was nothing more to be said and continued.

Then offered that Harry could move into Dudley's second bedroom.

Harry winced and Hickory tore out of the room in a fright at this uproar. Yeah, maybe Harry should have mentioned that he remembered that bit. As before, he moved to each of them and tried his best to comfort them, but his attempts were getting weaker every time. There are only so many things he could have said before they all lost it and went out to commit homicide.

Finally, with a sense of regret he said, "Okay, promise me this, you won't go and leave this house because of anything in the books until after they're all done?" None of them were happy, but finally agreed they should learn all of the transgressions before the deserved murder. With a heavy heart James continued.

Harry asks why.

"Why are you questioning it?" Sirius demanded, fire still roaring through him.

"Oh I don't blame him for that," Remus snarled, "They've never done a single decent thing for him, why start now?" Sucking in air, as if slowly dying on the inside, James pressed on.

Vernon snaps at Harry not to ask questions and do as he's told and go up there. The narrative returns, stating that the Dursley's house had four bedrooms.

"Four!" was hissed mutinously around the room, but at the promise they had just made to their boy, no one did or said anything, though they were all thinking it.

One for Vernon and Petunia, a guest room, one for Dudley, and one for Dudley's stuff that wouldn't fit in his own room.

They hadn't thought it could get worse, and were growing quite tired of being proved wrong, at this Sirius even resorted to begging. "Come on Harry, a second room for his crap, while you slept with the shoes! That is bad enough for whatever punishment." Harry pursed his lips but shook his head, instinctively knowing he didn't want anyone in this house to leave it any time soon.

It only took Harry one trip to get his stuff upstairs, and he spent a moment looking around at everything in his new space. A lot of junk mostly, like Dudley's broken birthday presents, some dusty old books that looked as if they'd never been touched, and a television Dudley had once put his foot through.

"Hope it hurt," Remus huffed.

Downstairs Dudley was having a fit, wailing that he didn't want Harry in there, that he needed that room.

After their previous outburst none of them even had the energy to comment on Dudley's spoiled brat behavior this time.

Harry simply sighed, wishing he was in his cupboard with that letter, then up here without it.

That was the final straw for Lily, hearing that her own son would rather be in a cupboard with a

piece of mail had finally pushed Lily Potter into tears. All four boys freaked out initially, most of them never having seen such a woman cry, but at her tears, her baby became distressed as well and began putting up quite a fuss.

Lily made herself busy by going about and comforting him, then she got up and excused herself into the kitchen to fetch him a bottle, leaving him with Remus. She took far longer than was normal, but when she came back she was much more composed. Remus gave the boy back to his mother and Lily then told her husband to continue on.

The next day Dudley was in shock. He'd thrown a right fit, including being sick on purpose, and kicking his mother, but he still didn't have his second room back.

Sirius let out a low throaty whistle, "and here I thought Regulus was spoiled. I can't imagine any child getting away with that."

"And I don't even need to ask if he was punished," Remus said with contempt.

When the mail came again, Vernon seemed to be trying to be nice to Harry

"A first I'm sure," James muttered darkly.

This time he made Dudley go get the mail and after much protest he stormed down the hall, and when he got there he screams that Harry's got another letter.

"Why would he shout that?" Sirius laughed, "After the reaction it got yesterday, you'd think he would have the sense to hide it and read it himself."

"Ah but you said the magic word Sirius," Remus reminded him, "sense, which he has none of."

Everybody laughed at this, and with a bit of a better mood, James read on.

Vernon got to his feet at once, going out into the hallway to try and get the letter. Harry grabs hold of Vernon's neck.

"Now that took guts," Sirius said with pride, "You'll be a Gryffindor for sure." Harry just blinked in confusion, having no idea what that could mean, but kept the question to himself. Lily frowned at him, feeling that brawling like that took more stupidity than guts.

After a brief fight where all three of them got hit with the Smelting Stick, Vernon comes up victorious with the letter.

"Rats!" James sighed, not surprised, just disappointed. He looked around expectantly again, and then frowned, still not used to his third friend not being present. He'd have to bring that up again if Peter wasn't back soon.

Harry goes up to his new room, and comes up with an idea. If the person knew he hadn't received the first letter, then surely they were going to try again. Harry had a plan.

"Oh this can't be good," Sirius sighed, placing his face in his hands.

"I'm going to have to agree with Sirius on this one," Remus chuckled. "Remember our first prank? We had a lot to learn about plan making."

"Oh yeah," James laughed boyishly, "still a riot though." Now feeling quite eager to hear this he continued.

He was going to wait for the postman on the corner of Privet Drive and get the letters for number four first.

"Not a bad idea actually," Remus said with appreciation, "much more subtle than I would have given you credit for."

"Thanks, I think," Harry said, deciding to take that as a compliment.

After repairing Dudley's old broken alarm clock,

"How did you manage that?" Lily asked in surprise, thinking he'd hardly be let around tools, or even having the knowledge at that age.

"I just filched some batteries from a working one of Dudley's," Harry shrugged, "He'd been too lazy to do it and just told his parents it was broken."

In the morning Harry crept down the stairs, but when he got to the bottom he stepped on something alive.

"Do they own a pet that hasn't been mentioned?" Sirius asked, wincing at such bad luck.

The thing he'd stepped on was Vernon's face.

While Lily groaned at indeed, such bad luck as this, the other three laughed. Feeling quite pleased that Harry had this small victory.

Vernon had been sleeping at the front door all night to make sure Harry didn't do exactly what he was planning.

"Pity he's not stupid as well as an arse," James sighed.

Harry shrunk off to the kitchen, and by the time he came back the mail had arrived again along with a few more letters for Harry. Vernon ripped them to shreds at once. He also stayed home from work that day and nailed the mail slot shut.

"What good would that do?" Lily asked frowning, "And how would they get their other post?"

"Is that even how muggle post works?" James asked.

"Not at all," Remus shook his head at this absurdity.

According to Vernon, if they couldn't deliver the letters, they'd just give up.

Lily opened her mouth again but Sirius cut her off, "We know Lily, you just told us." She huffed and laid baby Harry's bottle down, beginning to put him on her shoulder and encouraging him to burp.

Petunia tried to convince him that wouldn't work,

"You know it won't," Lily huffed under her breath.

But Vernon tells her 'their' minds work differently than their own

"Thank Merlin for that," James snapped at the book.

while trying to knock a nail in place with a piece of fruit cake.

"Is that how muggles use fruitcake?" Sirius asked with genuine confusion.

"No," Lily and Remus answered together. When neither elaborated, James continued.

The narrative continues by saying that things continued to get out of hand because the mail started arriving randomly through every slot in the house. Vernon spent another day humming a strange tune and nailing up all the small cracks in the house while jumping at small noises.

"I think this poor bloke lost whatever sense he once had," Remus laughed and Sirius quickly joined in while Lily and James smiled vindictively.

The next day, they started finding the letters inside of eggs. Vernon began making furious calls to the post office and the dairy, trying to find someone to yell at.

"Those poor people," Lily said sympathetically as baby Harry finally burped. "I'd just hang up on him."

Petunia shredded the letters in the food processor.

"Points for originality," Remus chuckled, still rather disgusted these two would go to such lengths to keep this from his cub.

On Sunday Vernon finally seemed in a cheerful mood again, announcing there was no post on Sunday's while spreading marmalade on his newspaper.

"Why don't muggles get post on Sundays?" James asked curiously.

"That's what you're caught on?" Sirius demanded while holding his sides laughing. "Wonder if he puts jam on his bills?" Remus gave James a quick answer on Muggle post, enough to satisfy James to move on.

Even as he said it, a letter came whizzing out of the fireplace and bounced off the back of Vernon's head. Soon the kitchen was nearly flooded with them and the Dursley's ducked to avoid the swamp while Harry got to his feet and tried to grab one.

"Love the excess," Sirius snickered while James turned to Harry and demanded, "Why didn't you just pick one up from the ground?"

"They were mostly being aimed at Uncle Vernon and landing at his feet," Harry answered, smiling slightly as he remembered something a bit funny next, "and I'd rather not be within arm's reach of him. I was trying to catch the ones that were ricocheting away."

Vernon roared in outrage and seized Harry around the waist and threw him into the hall to get him out of the kitchen.

Good mood gone in an instance, Harry quickly reminded them that it didn't hurt, and then practically pushed the book back into his father's face, wanting them to read about his funny memory.

In pure frustration, Vernon began pulling violently at his moustache, and came away with great clumps of hair.

Harry couldn't hold it in anymore and burst out laughing, after a few moments the others joined in. "He was very vain about his moustache, and he looked quite deranged with half of it missing. Looking back, it just seems funny."

Then he screams at them to go and pack, that they were going away.

"Going away where?" James asked. "Did they have a second house?"

"Doesn't matter where," Lily snickered, "they still can't outrun them!"

When the others were all packed, Vernon slapped Dudley upside the head for trying to pack away his VCR, along with a few more electronic devices.

The four adults exchanged dark looks again at such a reminder that he was violent with his precious son, so it could possibly be worse with a boy he didn't even like.

In no time at all they were in the car driving to who knew where. Occasionally he would spin around and drive in the opposite direction for a while, muttering 'shake 'em off...'

"What exactly is he basing this on?" Remus asked, trying to work this out from his point of view.

"Don't do that Moony," James sighed without looking up.

"Do what?" he asked distantly.

"Try and think it through," Sirius told him with a straight face. "I don't want to see you going as bonkers as this fool." Remus sighed and decided to let it go for now.

Dudley was miserable, he'd never gone so long without being able to play on his computer.

"That is an inkling of what my boy's been through you prat," Lily huffed, not having any sympathy for this boy.

"What's a computer?" James couldn't stop himself from asking.

"Kind of like an interactive TV," Sirius offered, the idea fairly complicated for him to explain. James seemed satisfied enough, though still intrigued to see one of these in person.

They stopped for the night to rest, but Harry stayed awake through the night looking out the window, wondering...

"He's never going to figure it out," Sirius said primly.

"I didn't," Harry agreed. "Never in my wildest dreams would I have dreamed up something like this."

Next morning, the manager came looking for them, saying that she had a hundred letters for a Harry Potter. Harry gets to his feet to claim them, but Vernon forcefully pushes him aside and claims them instead.

"That would be an odd sight," James grimaced. "Wish she'd reported it."

"Not odd enough I'm afraid," Remus sighed.

The narrative goes on to say some of the odd places Vernon stopped at over the rest of the

day, including halfway across a suspension bridge, and at the top of a multi-level parking garage.

"What was he looking for?" Sirius wondered at such seemingly random places.

"I have no idea," Harry answered honestly, "He never told us. As deserted a place as possible I suppose."

During the late afternoon, Vernon exited the car and locked them all inside while he went somewhere.

"How do you lock someone inside a car?" Lily snorted. "Dudley fine, but I suspect Harry knew you could simply get out."

"And go where?" Harry asked. "No, it was better I stayed." All of them looked rather heartbroken at this but James pressed on.

Dudley sniffles that his father had gone mad, hadn't he?

"Can't go where you're already at," Sirius snarled.

Dudley makes the comment that it was now Monday, and he wanted to stay somewhere with a television. Harry has no interest in this, and instead reflects that this would make tomorrow his eleventh birthday.

"Oh dear," Lily moaned, rocking her baby from side to side fitfully.

"Something wrong Lily flower?" James asked hesitantly at such a tone, not that he was looking forward to hearing about this either, after all if they treated his boy like this on normal days, why would it change on his birthday?

When Lily said something similar and James had no way of comforting her he instead turned to Harry and practically pleaded, "How did your birthdays go?"

Harry grimaced; not really wanting to admit that they basically ignored the occasion, or gave him such awful gifts he'd rather they'd ignored it. He felt lucky he even knew when his birthday was. When the silence dragged on, James simply sighed and decided he'd have to get his answers from the book.

Harry reflected back on his past birthdays, the most memorable of which was the one where Vernon gave him an old pair of socks.

"Jeez, I'd have rather Harry lied to us," Remus snapped, not realizing his feelings could actually sink lower until they had.

Vernon was back and was beaming and carrying an odd shaped package, claiming to have found the perfect place.

"This can't be good," Sirius sighed pushing his hair out of his face, just for it to fall back again when he shook his head in trepidation.

They were now headed towards a large rock out in the middle of the sea. Perched on top was a miserable little shack.

Lily couldn't help but wonder if Vernon was perhaps going off of the old, and untrue, legend that

wizards couldn't go across water?

"Sounds like Azkaban," James frowned, hating to think of his son in there. None of the others had ever been there, but they all shook slightly at the mention. Harry frowned and chalked this up as a question he'd like to ask later.

They climbed into a tiny little boat and began rowing out there, it was freezing. Icy spray ran all over them and the chilly wind wasn't helping.

Lily pursed her lips at thinking of her Hare-Bear out in that, without any warming spells, possibly even without a jacket. She wouldn't put anything past Dursley's at this point.

The shack was dismal at best, with only two rooms.

"Why was that place even built?" Remus demanded. "The shrieking shack sounds better!"

"I suppose it might have been more hospitable at some point," Lily mused, trying to think of a possibility.

"I would just love the irony if that used to be a wizarding house," Sirius smiled grimly.

"What makes you say that?" James asked curiously.

"Perfect place isn't it?" He explained, "Middle of nowhere, perfectly accessible to wizards, ratty on the outside, but a wizard could fix that up in a jiffy on the inside. I was hoping an old wizard couple used to live there, no family so it was left to shambles. I just like the irony." After mulling that over for a moment they all burst into laughter, though they would never know the answer to this, but they had to agree with him that this would indeed be lovely irony.

The only food Vernon provided was a bag of crisps and four bananas.

Everyone in the room was disgusted that a snack could be referred to as rations. None of them even wanted to think how long Vernon intended to stay there.

When he tried to light a fire and it didn't work, he cheerfully said that he wished he had some of those letters now.

"Oh sure, just rub it in you-" James broke himself off and cursed under his breath a few moments before pressing on.

He was clearly in a good mood; content in thinking no one could deliver mail out there. Harry agreed, but it didn't make him feel better.

"Don't worry Harry; weather doesn't have much of an effect on us." Remus told him bracingly as he noticed how crestfallen Harry seemed to be getting. "It's been long enough that someone should have filed an inquiry by now as to why you haven't gotten your letters. I'm sure they'll be around soon."

He put special emphasis on this last word, for the rest of the rooms benefit.

As the night wore on Vernon and Petunia went to the bed, and Dudley settled down on the couch, Harry was left with the thinnest blanket to curl up on the softest bit of floor he could find.

"Very, very soon," Sirius hissed in disgust.

James entertained the notion for a moment of a wizard, wishfully him, storming through the door with a reasonable explanation of where he'd been, cursing all of those excuse for humans, and then taking his son far, far away from there. Lily and Remus had come to the conclusion that there wasn't much more they could do, due to Harry's promise, so after a pause they both told James to hurry up and get past this part.

The storm was in full swing outside, and Harry lay awake with hunger and cold.

When it looked like someone was about to pause this again, Harry simply spoke over them all that he was fine, and that he had a very good sense of Déjà vu over him. Something good was about to happen on this birthday. Feeling a mite more hopeful James hurried on.

Harry laid awake watching Dudley's watch, counting down the time until it reached midnight on his birthday. At the five minute marker, he heard something creaking outside, and wondered if the roof was going to cave in. He decided he'd at least be warmer if it did.

"I can't decide if that was supposed to be funny, sad, or suicidal?" Sirius asked.

"Go with the first one," Remus sighed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose in agitation at such a description. Even he had never had it this bad and Remus had slept in some pretty bad places.

At four minutes Harry was thinking about the house at Privet Drive, hoping when they got back it would be so full of letters he could take one without someone noticing.

"I should hope so," James smiled happily at the thought.

At the one minute marker, he was considering waking up Dudley, just to annoy him.

"I wouldn't do it," Lily grumbled. "The less of his company the better." In truth, she was projecting a lot of her hatred from the younger Marauders onto this boy, though even she had to admit they never got this bad.

When the clock struck midnight, there was a large BOOM.

"Boom?" The others asked in concern as James puzzled for a moment.

"Did the house actually cave in?!" Sirius yelped, going slightly bug eyed, picturing his pup under all of that horrid rubble. He was sure to survive, but it wasn't a pleasant thought.

"James, keep going," Remus pleaded, feeling concern mounting, what a thing to happen on Harry's eleventh birthday!

Lily on the other hand was eyeing her adult son, and the pleased smile on his face. He didn't look remotely concerned, the opposite in fact. Now she simply wanted James to keep going out of morbid curiosity. After shaking himself for a moment James read the last line of the chapter.

Someone was knocking to come in.

Sirius and Remus relaxed a bit, though James still looked concerned. "Who knocks and makes a 'boom' noise?"

"Well, keep going and we'll find out," Lily snapped.

"The chapters over," James said.

"Guess it's my turn then," Sirius groaned, dragging himself to his feet, but eagerly taking the book.

"Never thought I'd see the day Padfoot would take up a book willingly!" James laughed.

"If it's about my little pup you bet your wand I will," he stated primly, turning the page.