The first thing the Phillips did was destroy all of the party’s possessions. They built a large fire, threw the party’s packs in, then celebrated the destruction like it was a grand victory. Riley’s first edition Light of the Star Path, DJ’s spellbooks, their gold, their wizard waffles—all gone. The Phillips didn’t even bother to look through their stuff, they just threw it on the fire and danced.
They did, however, keep the weapons. Those would be needed for the Great Cleansing.
The next thing they did was give DJ and the others matching robes and copies of the Book of Phillip. The robes were itchy. DJ wondered how everyone wasn’t breaking out in hives. The Book of Phillip was small enough to fit in a robe pocket. It had a matching black cover and the cult insignia. Steve pinched the corner of his Book and dangled it in front of him like it was filthy. His eyes stung and his lip trembled.
Lastly, the Phillips split apart the group. Everyone was given two Phillips to escort them on a village tour, and they split into opposite directions so the party would be separated.
“Wait a second,” DJ said as he was led away. “Why can’t I go with my friends? Why are you keeping us away?”
“No one is truly apart in the House of Phillip!” a sister Phillip said. “But you need to be introduced to the other Phillip brothers and sisters! Spending too much time with your old friends will keep you from becoming one with us. What a glorious day it is!”
“How long are you going to keep me from them?” DJ asked. He looked over his shoulder just in time to catch Riley’s eye. She waved at him miserably.
“As long as it takes!” a brother Phillip said as if it would be fun.
So the Phillips showed him around. Everywhere they went, people greeted DJ as “New Phillip” and DJ hated it every time. He was shown his barrack, where he would sleep in a large room filled with bunk beds for other Phillips. He was shown the mess hall where the Phillips ate. He was taken to the gardens, the well, the pickleball courts, and the training grounds.
They really pulled out all the stops for the training grounds. There was a fully outlined sparring area with straw dummies, bows, swords, axes, clubs, nunchucks, even cannons. Currently, a crowd of Phillips was gathered to watch two Phillips spar. The two swung and jabbed with wooden weapons until one Phillip was downed with a broken leg and bloody lip. The crowd clapped, but no one stepped in to help the injured Phillip.
DJ frowned at the spectacle. “Shouldn’t someone help him? Don’t you have healers or something?”
“This is how we are made strong for the Great Cleansing,” one of the escorts said. “And magic? We could never. Magic is an abomination that nearly makes us equal to gods. It’s blasphemous.” She stopped and stared at DJ. “You’re not a mage, are you?”
They destroyed my pack without looking in it, DJ thought. They didn’t see my spellbooks. He shook his head vigorously. “Me? Nope. No way. All magic, no maidens. That’s what I always say.”
Both Phillips sighed. “What a blessing,” one of them said.
As they walked away, DJ noticed a large shed next to the combat area. It had a large painting of an explosion on the door. He motioned to it. “What’s that?”
One of the Phillips gazed upon him with wondrous eyes. “If Grand Phillip finds you worthy, in due time, you’ll be trained to destroy the sinners with the Holy Boom Powder. Melee combat will only get us so far in the Great Cleansing—we’ll need something much bigger to destroy the heathens.”
Holy. Boom. Powder. DJ repeated the words in his mind and shuddered. These people didn’t seem to have the slightest problem with murdering mass amounts of people in the name of their god. So much for a culture of peace and harmony.
The last stop of the tour was the Temple—the large building DJ saw earlier. They climbed the steps and entered through the double doors. DJ was expecting it to be ornate, but the interior was mostly bare. It would have been completely empty if it wasn’t for a white statue of the most average-looking man DJ had ever seen. Average build. Average height. A face devoid of any interesting features. But in one hand, he held a bowl of noodles. His other hand was lifted in a friendly wave.
Grand Phillip was waiting next to the statue. Candles were lit at the statue’s base. Francis, Steve, and Riley were gathered in a circle by their escorts. Their escorts held each of their shoulders firmly to keep them from escaping.
Steve’s face was wet with tears. The sight made DJ’s stomach burn and his hands turn into fists.
“Welcome, newest Phillips!” Grand Phillip said. “It is now time to take upon yourself the name of Phillip! Your new home is here, and we know that you’ll find happiness and joy. This is truly an occasion for celebration! What a glorious day it is!”
“Glorious indeed!”
Steve sniffed loudly and his bottom lip shook. New tears formed and dribbled down his chinless face. Grand Phillip’s shoulders drooped and her face sweetened with concern. She stepped forward and took his hand. Steve didn’t acknowledge her.
“I know it’s difficult to leave the world behind, to turn from your false god and come toward the light.” She held his hand with both of her own. “But I promise you, New Phillip, that you will find love here like you’ve never felt before. No one will judge you for your hideous appearance or loud voice. You are equal with us.”
Steve said nothing, but DJ noticed his eyebrow twitch. Grand Phillip squeezed his hand and stepped back. “Now, let us begin with the swearing ceremony!”
“We’re not going to take your stupid oath,” Riley said.
The Grand Phillip’s chin turned toward her with menacing slowness, but she kept smiling. Her brown eyes flashed. “I truly hope you don’t mean that. Because if that were true…”
The escorts tightened their grip on the captives, and each escort withdrew a bottle of blue No-No Juice from their robes. DJ felt trembled as they dangled the bottle just inches from his face.
“…we would have to make a mess in the Temple of Phillip,” Grand Phillip said. “And that would be most tragic. Okay? Okay! Now, put your hand on your copy of the Book of Phillip and raise your right hand.”
Hesitantly, everyone followed. Steve last of all. Every movement to him was pure torture. DJ thought he saw the friar mouthing a prayer of forgiveness. The sight made DJ want to jump at at these fanatics, but he couldn’t risk a mouth full of No-No Juice.
“Repeat after me,” Grand Phillip said. She raised her hand. “I forsake the ways of the world to join the House of Phillip. I take upon his name and become one with him. I shall destroy all those who oppose him in the Great Cleansing. And I will always use the signup sheet for the pickleball court.”
DJ and the others repeated every word. The last bit about the pickleball court felt a little unnecessary, but he wasn’t about to point it out. When they were done, his escorts loosened their grip and he felt like he could breathe again.
“Congratulations! You did it!” Grand Phillip said brightly. “Hugs! Welcome to the family!” She went one by one, giving each member a hug, which wasn’t returned. Steve last of all. His frame quaked. His tear-streaked face was red.
DJ wanted nothing more than to embrace Steve and reassure him that everything would be okay, but the threat of nearby Phillips kept him still. He and his friends were New Phillips now, so every other Phillip would be watching them to make sure they didn’t escape. Whatever escape plan they made had to be in complete secrecy, or they would become a melted mess like the elf from earlier.
This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.
DJ knew there was no way he or the others would live out their days here, so he resolved to make a plan.
When the swearing ceremony ended, Steve fled the Temple. DJ and the others tried to follow him and comfort him, but the friar was too fast. By the time they made it out the main doors, Steve had disappeared into the barrack and a group of Phillips insisted (forcefully) that the New Phillips accompany them to dinner. It was all smiles. Overbearing, commanding smiles.
Once they entered the mess hall and got their food (noodles and broth), the Phillips separated the three of them to different tables. DJ tried to arch his neck and get a look at Francis or Riley, but every time he did, one of the Phillips would move to block his view. After the third attempt, DJ huffed and turned to his meal.
“You’ll love it here!” one Phillip said. “Never have I felt such happiness and purpose!”
“There is much wisdom to be found in the Book of Phillip!” another one said. “Have you read your copy yet?”
DJ pushed the noodles around his bowl. “I literally just got here.”
“Behold! This passage is my favorite.”
The Phillip pushed the book by DJ’s hand and DJ glanced at it. His feelings went from annoyed to confused. He grabbed the Book to get a closer look. It was nothing like the Ancient Text that Stewards of the Goddess read from. Instead of verses and chapters, it was bulleted lists of ingredients and instructions. DJ flipped through the pages. More of the same.
“What the?” he said incredulously. “Guys, this isn’t scripture! This is just a recipe book! And it’s all noodles!”
One of the Phillips smiled and rolled his eyes. “Oh, New Phillip, look with your spiritual eyes! The broth is symbolic of the heart, and the noodles are the soul.” He laughed, then took his Book back. “You’ll see the truth in time, I’m sure of it.”
DJ was already few slurps into his noodles, and he had to admit they made him feel pretty good. Strangely good, honestly. Like fireflies were floating in his belly and brain. His body relaxed and he ate until the noodles disappeared, then he licked the broth out of the bowl. He had never licked the broth out of a bowl before, and it wasn’t that the noodles were that good, but something about them just… compelled him. When he finished he set the bowl down and smacked his lips.
It’s not so bad here, he thought. Maybe we need to give it a chance.
DJ shook his head. What was he thinking? This place definitely did not deserve a chance. But something about this bowl of noodles made his head funny. And even as the slippery thoughts wore down, they never seemed to go entirely away. They lingered like a low, quiet hum, barely audible in the back of his mind.
Through the rest of the day, the Phillips were careful not to let the new recruits spend time together unless they were chaperoned. They were probably worried that the New Phillips would devise a plan to escape, which was exactly what DJ and the others wanted to do. But the close presence of every Phillip crippled any hopes making that happen.
That night, DJ lay in his bunk trying to formulate fragments of an escape plan, but he knew he’d have to know the village better. Look for weak points. Find opportunities to exploit. And while he did, he would have to look innocent. Otherwise he’d turn into a smokey puddle.
So he did just that. For the next couple of days, DJ wandered the village with every opportunity he could scrape up. Then at night, he would lay awake piecing it all together in his head. He couldn’t write anything down for fear of materials being discovered. Everything had to be locked in the vault of his mind. And that made everything more complicated.
Meanwhile, Steve become elusive. It was so unlike him. Each day, DJ and the others looked around the village for him, but their efforts were in vain. Whenever they did find Steve, he would be sitting alone, eyes closed, dissociating. DJ, Riley, and Francis tried to comfort him—provide some veiled nuggets of wisdom and hope. But the friar never opened his eyes or acknowledged them. It didn’t help that other Phillips were always listening nearby.
DJ managed to write notes on a few scraps of parchment for Riley and Francis. They said, I’m making a plan. Leave it to me. Destroy this paper. Then he slipped them into Riley and Francis’s copies of the Book of Phillip. As far as the nearby Phillips were concerned, DJ was just showing them a passage he liked.
As more days passed, that low hum in the back of DJ’s mind grew. The fireflies in his mind lingered longer after every meal. He tried skipping meals to lessen their hold on his mind, but there was always a group of Phillips to grab him by the arms and drag him to the mess hall. They made sure he got at least three bowls of noodles a day, without fail.
DJ hoped beyond hope that he wasn’t losing himself here. But everything about the village became brighter and warmer with the passage of time. He held white-knuckle to the image of the melted elf in the chair. That had to keep him grounded.
Over a week had gone by and DJ had only formed pieces of a plan. It involved setting the Temple on fire with Flamefist, then high-tailing it out of the village while the Phillips tried to quell the flames. But that didn’t solve the locked gates and the forest agents that would abduct them again. The humming in the back of his mind made it harder to think about leaving. He held on to the image of the melted elf, replaying it in his mind, but even then, it was getting fuzzy.
“It is your turn to spar, New Phillip!”
DJ jolted to attention. “Huh?”
He had been lost in thought as he stood at the edge of the sparring ring. He had managed to avoid the responsibility of training for the Great Cleansing up until this point, but now it seemed that his luck had run out.
“Yes!” one Phillip said. “We have not seen you battle yet, New Phillip! Take a weapon and stand against one of us!”
The rest of the Phillips cheered as if it were karaoke night. But DJ hadn’t forgotten the broken leg from the Phillip he saw days ago. A shiver of dread slithered down his back. He gulped and put his hands in his robe pockets.
“Uh, sorry Phillips, I’m not feeling well today so I’ll have to sit this one—”
“Nonsense!”
Two Phillips shoved him into the ring and a challenger entered from the other side. It was none other than Grand Phillip herself. Her blonde hair was tied in a ponytail and her brown eyes flashed. She chose a staff and brandished it as she met DJ in the middle of the ring. “We absolutely much watch you spar, New Phillip!” she said. “Choose a weapon! May Phillip smile upon our battle!”
DJ stammered for a moment, hoping to say something clever to escape the situation, but drew nothing. So slowly, uncomfortably, he dragged his feet to the rack of practice weapons. He grabbed a wooden shortsword and met Grand Phillip in the middle of the ring.
A swallow pushed down his throat. No magic, he thought. Hope all of Francis’s lessons paid off.
“I wish you the best, New Phillip!” Grand Phillip said. “But I am highly prepared for the Great Cleansing! I will not hold back!”
DJ smiled feebly. “Wouldn’t expect it.”
The crowd watched with wide smiles and fixed eyes. They counted down, and as they did, DJ’s heart crept higher in his chest.
“Three, two, one, fight!”
Grand Phillip lunged. DJ knocked the blow away. Phillip gave three more decisive swipes as she peddled forward. DJ backpedaled in kind, dodging and blocking each blow. A surprised staccato jumped from his lips. He was actually holding his own! But a fourth slash came dangerously close—DJ dodged it by collapsing his knees and the staff passed just an inch over his head. The strike surely would have cracked his skull.
DJ slashed but Phillip bent away from it. She spun around and swung her staff, which DJ narrowly dodged by throwing himself backward. DJ’s butt hit the ground. He rolled out of the way just as Grand Phillip swung her staff in a vertical strike. The Phillips around the ring applauded. DJ gulped in heavy breaths and gazed up at Grand Phillip with heat.
Is she actually trying to kill me? The thought terrified him, but something else burned inside him. No way. I’m not going to be worked over by a ditzy cult leader in the middle of the forest. I’ve got that Sir Dashing blood in there somewhere.
DJ leaped to his feet and brandished his sword, baring his teeth like a tiger. The sight didn’t phase Grand Phillip. If anything, it only excited her.
“Wonderful!” she said. “I’ll love to see this passion during the Great Cleansing!”
DJ shouted and lifted his weapon. Grand Phillip swung her staff in an angle he didn’t expect. A bolt of panic shot through him. He twisted his sword to block it, but it wasn’t enough. The staff slammed into DJ’s arm, smashing the bones in his forearm and badly bruising his shoulder.
DJ cried out and fell to his knees, grimacing through the pain. He wished more than anything that Steve could come over and fix him up with Healing Hand, but magic was taboo here, and Steve was impossible to find anyway. So DJ just knelt and writhed, staring at his mangled forearm.
“Grand Phillip is the victor!” someone called.
Everyone clapped. Grand Phillip gave generous bows all around. DJ clamped his teeth so hard he thought they could break.
“Sorry, New Phillip!” Grand Phillip said. “Someone take him to the Boo Boo House. Don’t worry, New Phillip, you’ll be right as rain before you know it. Today, you learned that you are full of potential. What a glorious day it is!”
“Glorious indeed!” everyone echoed.