The first thing I remembered was light in my dream. Soft and warm, enveloping my entire body. Some of it crept through branches so thick of towering oaks, dashing across the forest floor, akin to a golden thread.

My body was even more child-like then. This dream... was one of my most cherished moments, one I would never forget. In the ancient forest, where I belonged, when the wind was still, I truly felt alive at the time..

Running wherever, leaping through the undergrowth, being one with nature is an elf's dream. And so, this was mine. Not just that, though.

My laughter and cheer was loud, it bubbled up inside me, drowning out any worries my mother, who was watching from afar, might have had. She had plenty, in hinsight.. I didn't know.

Cradled by the forest, I laid down upon moss and grass, breathing in and out with glee. Then, a voice ever so gently called out to me, it was filled with such soothing love, one I yearn to experience once more.

"Fia, don't go too far", she called out to me. In the moment, I forgot, or didn't realise - my mother being alive was as given as the air around me. 

So, I slowed down, glancing back and forth betwixt the trees surrounding me. Mother stood there still, looking me up and down, inspecting any possible dirt I might have gotten on me. That I did.

Mother's name was similar to mine. It was pretty. They called her Fina.

To this day, I'm so happy she named me Fia. It's.. the only thing besides a necklace she gave me, that really reminds me of her.

But in that moment of time, nothing could stand between me and my mother's love. As a child does, I stopped whatever romping I was busy with, heading straight to her, jumping into her embrace. She was prepared, though. Mother caught me, wrapping both of her arms tightly around me, and kissed my forehead. 

"You're a lively one, huh?", we giggled together. "Someday.. you'll grow up to be such a fine young woman. A star among stars," mother paused, gazing at the sky. "which reminds me."

Her hand grasped mine, we headed to the exit of the forest I entered.

"There's a story", she smiles, ruffling my hair, "that every time a child is born in our tribe,"

"a star is born!"

I completed her sentence, my face nearly jumping out. Mother giggled a little and pat me.

"A star is born that carries the fate of that child. Stars grow, shine, and die. Just like us."

She pointed at the sky, but none of them were visible. It was too bright, barely past lunch time.

"But you know, dear..", her hand firmly held mine, "something that's unknown to most of the elves here..."

I looked up at her, standing beside her. We stood still for a moment, until she continued.

"that once, every thousand years, a special child is born, whose star is one favoured by the gods."

"It shines as bright as hundreds of stars, brighter than any other. Nobody knows why the gods favour them. Some say..."

My face lit up. I was expecting her to finish her sentence! Why did she have to make it so interesting..? 

"this child was born to save the world! Its light to guide all those who were lost."

Mother hugged me, my face dug snugly into her chest. The warmth I felt was incomparable. She was stroking my hand, began to whisper.

"I just know that it's you. That special star. You're my little light."

I blushed at her words, smiling, and sobbed a little.

"Aren't you a big girl now?", she teased me, wiping my tears. "But it's okay. You can cry. Let it out, sweetheart."

We stood among the trees, covered by all of ancient nature for just a bit longer, until the shine my face emitted calmed down. I clutched mother's dress, wanting to tell her just one thing.

"Thank you.", I couldn't bring myself to say anything else but..

"For being the best mama."

I could swear her eyes were about to water, she brushed it off with a smile, one whose purpose was to cover how touched she felt. "Alright, alright. Let's go back. Aren't you hungry, little light?"

A part of me agreed - a loud rumbling of my stomach, that is. Our house wasn't far, it wasn't special, but a home. My... home.

It was.

---

I hate this dream. Not because it's bad - it's the best dream you could ever wish for.

Lying there, my body began to turn and twist until I woke up. What remained from the blissful dream evaporated, a puff of smoke and mirrors left over.

The disappointment in me was.. understandable. Given that I knew whatever came after, or could at least expect it...

It made me dislike, to my very core, the law of equivalent exchange. You must give something of equal value to receive another of the same worth.

You need to pay a price to experience something nice.

In the dead of night, feeling tired from working all day, I headed back to sleep. This time, however, my dream wouldn't be all sweet and candy. Much worse, actually.

---

The second thing I remember was light turning into darkness.

From the golden thread it was in the forest, whatever of it left shifted into an abyss, one that gazed into my very soul. 

Ah. I recall. Not long after, roughly a year. We were once more in the forest I was so fond of.

Mother and I walked home, day turned to night. Darkness swept the lands, including the undergrowth. I tucked at her dress, complaining about a smell my sensitive little nose picked up.

It smelled.. off? So I told her, or wanted to.

"Mama, something smells weir-", but her hand moved quickly and covered my mouth, it was pressed so tight against, I could hardly breathe. She motioned me to stay quiet. My senses were telling me to listen, this was acute.

"Little light, what I tell you from now on, you need to listen and do as I say, okay?"

I nod sheepishly, unaware of what was going on back then. Without uttering as much as a single tone, we tried to take a shortcut through the thicket. Luckily, the house we inhabited wasn't close to the village center. But after emerging from the shrubs and undergrowth to peek at what was going on, mother suddenly realised just how awful the situation was. Even I, barely past the age of 11, was able to see.. something wasn't right. It might have been the fog, I thought it was fog, that covered the forest, the area, the village...

Or the soot. Shit.

Mother began whispering, pulling me into the bushes and telling me to hide. 

"Don't inhale this smoke, at all costs. Stay here, wait for me. I'll... try and see what is going on. Promise me with your pinky, little light."

All I got to say was muffled, shaky, and yes mama. After her finger unwrapped from mine, I saw her vanishing into the smoke. Anxiously, I closed my eyes.

The wall of fog... ate her alive, it did. She's never coming back, my mind was filled with these kind of thoughts. Cowering fearfully in the bush, shaking and being on the verge of tears, you would really not expect anything else from a child. But something in me, something deep down gave me hope. She was going to be fine. I pressed on and tried to be brave, like my mother. She ventured into the smoke, for my sake. I wouldn't want to betray.. her efforts.

Her sacrifice.

---

After waiting for some amount of time, I decided to crawl into the direction of noises I faintly picked up. A while ago, there were screams of terror heard, it sounded like someone was fighting. Sobbing ensued, distant begging and metal clashing filled the soundscape. Commands were yelled - what they were, I couldn't hear. Mother wasn't there. So I have to move. I can't possibly sit around here all night. What if they catch me?

Yeah. What if they caught.. mother? Tears began welling up inside me. But I had to endure them, clutching the necklace I had that was a keepsake from mother, my family. It was supposed to provide protection..

Yet here I cowered, waiting for death to take me, not able to move a single step. A child like me? Easy fodder, and I didn't even know the horrors of humans. The elves.. did. The village did.

Their screams and tears were proof. Proof I shouldn't be caught.

My anxiety lifted a little when I heard a voice that sounded like my mother's. It worried me though - there were far more footsteps than just hers. She was being chased.

My eyes felt heavy, my heart sank deep. I prayed for her to escape them, the human soldiers that took to our village. I didn't know.. back then. That they do that all the time. We elves, we're nothing but trash to humans, that they use as toys.

Mother knew. She knew it all too well. Maybe that's why she wanted to keep me furthest away from them.

"Find that elf bitch, bring her to me", a big-bellied soldier shouted, sweat dripping from his face. From the bush I crawled to, I had ample opportunity to peek at the situation. A dozen soldiers, which he was standing in front of, had their swords unsheathed, as he yelled at them to find someone, an elf..

Wait...? A man with a big belly...? that was human? Mother told me about one like that. Oh no..

"Find the elf woman that escaped! She can't be far. That slut got pregnant.", he took a pause to breathe while sweating. They readied arrows of fire. He began another tirade.

"Search the entire village, burn it down to the ground. Take the women, kill the men and children. GO!"

His voice was scary, it intimidated me. What child was he looking for..? Me? Am I his child? The child of that fat, sweaty pig? Will he kill me..?

As soon as the soldiers left the clearing to continue their search elsewhere, after being sure they were outside my range, I left the bush, crouching to a hole I found suspicious, close to trees of fir. The bark had elven markings. As I thought, while none of them managed to find this hole, mother probably marked this tree in a hurry.

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Is it a cave entrance, though..? The hole was small. I think I could barely fit. The soldiers wouldn't get through at all. But can mother... fit in there..? Maybe?

So I squeezed myself in. Where else would I be able to go? It's the perfect place to hide.

As a cave is, it was dark, disorienting, wet; something was dripping, eroding stone within the dark cave. But, a person was panting, heavily so. Almost.. like they're in pain, groaning, and muffled, I could make out ramblings.

"Didn't you already take my virginity and life from me? Now you want my daughter's, too? You filthy fucking animal.. argh.."

Barely clutching to the cavern walls so slippery, I called out to whoever was hiding, quietly whispering into the darkness if anybody was there.

Then, a length below me, I could make out another hole, leading deeper into the cave. 

"Who's there.. cough..", the voice of a woman called out, "is that you, Fia..?"

"Mama? It's you! It's really you!", I slid down the entrace, scraping my skin along the rocks, until I could feel and touch something warm. Mother. Her body felt unusually hot, and something warm was dripping wherever I was touching her, prompting a groan from mother.

By this point, my heart was pounding up my chest. My hand I placed over where I presumed my heart to be, breathing in and out. Mother was fine, or so I thought at least. 

"F.. Fi?", she croaked in pain, "why and how are you here...? Did they get you..?"

Mother's voice sounded so weak. She must have been here for a while already. 

"Mama, I'm here", I shiver and embrace her. A liquid stains my clothes, it feels weirdly warm. Something smells weird, too. 

"Dear, why... did you leave your hiding spot..?", she coughed up blood. My eyes, too, adjusted to the dark. Her entire torso was bloodied. But the blood mattered little, mother even more.

I dug my face into her chest. Despite her agonising groan, she caressed me. Tears soon adorned my face, sobbing that drowned the faint noise of destruction echoing through the cave and ground from above.

"You.. sob.. where chased. I waited for you.. Mama.. sob."

"There, darling. Did they hurt you..?", she said, her voice getting faint.

"They didn't, mama... sob. But.. will you be okay? There's blood.."

She was lost in thought, staring at the ceiling of rock. I grew nervous to her missing answer. Mother has been bleeding so much, the blood has pooled up beneath us.

Tears were streaming down my cheeks. Mother wipes them away, giving me a slight hint of a smile, though slowly fading. The wound she had was quite severe. Thus, I clutched her hand, begging for it to be over. She spoke up.

"I... don't know, love. But...", mother paused, as if to think and grasp any hope she had left, "I love you. My little star..."

I couldn't help but cry.

"This is as far as I can go... cough.", her grip softened, "I'm so sorry, I couldn't be with you longer. See you grow up... cough.. my little light."

Although her pinky finger wrapped around mine, to promise me the world and her protection even in death, I drowned all of it out. It was like my world just crashed down on me. My shoulders couldn't keep up with the heavy weight. Even her hands brushing through my hair couldn't help me and my tears. Accepting that she will die? Never.

"Why.. mama.. sob..," I kept raging against the world and its unfairness, "what did we do to humans..?"

The topic weighed heavy on my already waning mother.

"You can.. blame them little for their shortcomings, little light... cough."

I stared at her, blankly, barely listening.

"Humans are just that. Weak... and cowardly. But so are we... bending to their will..."

My fingers touched hers. The warmth in her body slowly grew cold, though she continued talking.

"They seek to destroy even in paradise. Blame them not... love. Grow stronger than them."

Tears rolled up in my eyes. Her words made little sense to me, who was utterly mad at the world for letting her die.

"Don't be sad, dear... cough... death is inevitable. Remember.. the stories of Gaia, our ancestral deity...?"

My arms now reached around her back, I embraced her so desperately. Though even little me knew, it was just too late. She wiped away my tears, I nodded, looking into her eyes. It tasted bitter and salty, the taste of death. Mother had a gaze of pity and melancholy.

"She... will be your protector in my stead. Believe in her.. little light. I.. love you..."

Mother's smile decorated a face so pale, so pretty, once joyous, now devoid of much of her life. The eyes once brimming with colour, now dimmed, gradually losing their light, too.

She was quiet. I called out to her, she responded, "..Little light?"

"I love you so much.", and she reciprocated.

"I... want you to fulfill.. your dreams. Watch.. you grow and live. Don't give up your life... please. Promise.. me.", she was ensnared in a coughing fit, there I clutched her dress as if to comfort her.

"Child, when you're older... I buried a diary not far from here. Please come back and find it. Read it. I hope... you will be able to forgive me.. then. You deserved better... I'm.. sorry..."

"What are you saying, mama? Why.. are you apologizing?"

"I'm a mother that dies in her child's arms. I don't want to.. die. I don't want to leave you.. by yourself. The only thing.."

She coughs up blood.

"I can do... is.. hope and pray. That the afterlife will be kind.. and that your life will be kinder to you.. still."

A tremor shook my heart as her words etched themselves into the very fabric of my mind. Mother's eyes grew weary evermore. I grabbed her palm, urging her to close her eyes and rest.

But she shook her head. "I won't be okay.. little light. The bleeding.. is too heavy. I'm sorry. But how.. can I rest..?"

I took her hand, she cupped my cheek. "I'm glad you're alive.. my star. I'm tired.. but..."

"Mama... w-.. why..", I embraced her, while mother's arm was wrapped around me, but weakly so.

"I see a light, little one... Be safe on your journey.. Don't stray from your path. I love you to the moons and back."

As her eyes flickered in the dark of the cave, a flash of light shone brighter than my nights, darker than my days. While I chalked it up to my imagination and trauma, this light filled the entire cave's room, little particles of light that felt so warm, lovely, home. Mother, a limp body of flesh, drew last of breath, with her fingers losing touch.

I cried out to her so often; "Mama..?"

But I get...

No response.

"Mama!!", I screamt.

No response.

"Please.. this can't be real... are you dead..?"

Deep down, I knew. My exhaustion took to me. I was dozing off, but the smell of putrid death overwhelmed me.

I yelled out again, until my voice stopped responding. "Mama... sob..."

And in the dark of the cave, my night lit up my hopes. I waited for seconds, minutes, hours.

Right. In there, I shook her arm, but it was cold. Even then, it felt somewhat warmer than my night.

Some sense of sanity grabbed hold of me, making my way out of the cave and gathering my things in the middle of the night. Sobbing, I laid on the ground. It smelled like fire, ash, and more death.

"Must.. everything be taken from me? Why..? sob."

Into the woods I screamt; but there was no response. Instead, shadows grew to tower over me.

A voice, all around me, at once. Calling out to my child self.

"Little light?", this voice.. was my mama's? But.. something about it sounded so gut-wrenching..

"M-Mother?", I whisper, sob, closing my eyes and falling asleep in a bush deep in the forest.

No response.

---

Third, I remember waking up in cold sweat, boasting the urge to puke and to throw myself away. This nightmare.. was one of the worst. Huddled into my bed, I took a sip of water, but immediately spit it out. It tasted salty and bitter... a taste I am too familiar with.

"C-Child?"

There, my ears perked up. Coming from the door of my room, whose voice... was that?

"Little light? Won't you open-"

It sounds so wrong. Why does it try to sound like my mother...?

"Who are you?", I lock the door and close the window.

"How dare you! I am your mother! Don't you know... me? Did you.. perhaps forget your own... mother?"

My body started shaking and breaking out in cold sweat. I was so scared; whatever this was...

It was not my mother.

"You're not! Mother... is dead..." 

But I am!, this thing responded loudly and vulgarly, distortion rising and lowering its voice.

"If you come in....", I swore.

The door slightly creaked, the lock gave in. In an instant, shadows invaded the room, every corner, up to my body. I close my eyes immediately, hiding under the blanket.

"Then what?" it replied, a tone so raspy, it made me shudder.

"What will you do, little light? Cry? You've shed enough tears over your dead whore of a mother."

I was holding myself back, huddling in the corner of the room, desperately keeping my eyes closed.

"Look at you, hiding away in the corner. Nothing but hiding, that's what you do. Always that."

"A little thief. The light you had extinguished, just like the life of that bitch."

I hold back my sobbing, as much as I can. A sound of it escapes me; the thing continues.

"You left me to die. You pathetic little elf."

"I... I'm sorry, mama..."

"Why do you get to live, and I don't? You're... just like your father. The reason why I suffered.."

"Was me?"

I replied, shaking, finishing its sentence. It was always something I've become curious about. It's playing with my fears.

"Why, yes?", it says curiously, inching closer. I feel breathing through the blanket, right in front of me. Its breath smells fouler than a corpse.

"Now... you self-aware little fucker.", its shadow cast itself over me. A towering monster.

"Can't care enough to look your little mother in the eye? Huh?"

It waits for a moment, resuming its endless tirade upon not receiving a response.

"Scared, aren'tcha? To face your fears? Reality?"

No response.

"Too scared to accept I'm dead... You're pathetic."

I try to kick whatever it was; only for my leg to be grabbed. I scream in terror.

"Too scared to accept you KILLED your mother! YOUR WHORE MOTHER!"

There, I pulled down my blanket, kicking with my other leg. The second I opened my eyes, nothing was there. My room was empty, the door closed, I was sweating cold and shivering. A fever rocked me into a nightmare. So, I sighed in relief, it was all fine...

A ring, the shop's bell. 

"You think you can escape HIM? Oh. Child."

"He WILL come for you. He already took your slut mother's life. Think he won't find you?"

Now, the voice wasn't of my mother, but.... my father..? that pig..?

"I know you're there. Just like he did to your mother... the same will happen to you."

"HE KILLS! A WICKED HUMAN, that is what his being is."

I plug my ears, but the voice becomes louder, my head experiences a dull stinging pain.

"YOU have his blood. You are just as much a murderer and coward as he is."

"Unless...", the voice turned more sinister, "unless you kill him too, becoming one the same. Will you?"

Whatever you are... you, thing. Haunting me in my dreams... I will give you...

No response.