Himura Tsukiko was falling behind on her rent. She stood idly behind the counter at the bar she'd been working at since she dropped out of university, her mind wandering as she thoughtlessly polished a glass, staring at nothing in particular.
"Hey, uhh, Tsukiko?" A man by the counter broke her concentration. "D'you know when the manager's coming around?"
"Dunno." Tsukiko could hardly even muster the energy to turn to him.
Sapporo's winters were brutally cold, which made everyone flock to bars and restaurants, anywhere warm. There was nothing else to do. That night was a lot slower than usual, especially with the upcoming holiday season.
"Well, if you hear from her, let me know. Okay?" The man insisted.
"Will do."
Tsukiko indulged him because he was a regular. He always stumbled in wearing a black suit and tie, but he didn't seem like a man with a background of success. If he was successful, he definitely wouldn't be drinking cheap beer every other night in that particular hole in the wall.
"Oh, and can you pour me another beer?" The man asked with a bit of shame in his voice.
With mechanical precision and stiffness, Tsukiko put down the glass she'd been mindlessly polishing and lifted another. She put it under a spigot of a local Hokkaido beer brew and pulled on the lever, pouring gold and foam into the glass before placing it in front of the customer.
"Don't forget to pay." Tsukiko reminded him.
"I-I won't. C'mon, Tsukiko!" The man whined, but he knew he had a bad habit.
As she turned away, Tsukiko's phone started buzzing in her pocket, once, then twice. She didn't bother stopping to check what kind of message she'd received. It wasn't going to be some kind of blessing or anything pleasant. Tsukiko'd learned that by then.
Her conscious train of thought always reverted to the same parade of lifelong internalized self-pity and self loathing before devolving into a cacophony of noisy thoughts that hardly let her focus. It was a minor miracle that Tsukiko could force herself to get out of bed in the morning, let alone put on her uniform and get out the door to go to work.
Even with everything on her mind, Tsukiko's body kept moving. Routine had snuffed out her ambition and turned her into an automaton. All she really wanted was some warmth. It was dead cold, even in the heated bar. She could feel the cold in her bones. She'd practically checked out before the sound of the door cracking open brought her back to life. Like a wound up toy, she slowly spring back to life and readied herself to work.
Nakano Fumiko walked into the bar, strided toward the counter and sat down across from Himura Tsukiko. Her long brown hair cascaded over a white caked heavy grey overcoat that she hastily unbuttoned, dropping snow on the floor and revealing a tight black form fitting sweater dress underneath. Her glossy red lips curled into a gentle smile as she looked up to Tsukiko, desperate for drink and conversation.
"Hey, Tsuki."
Tsukiko smiled. "Hey."
Fumiko was a regular, one of the special ones that didn't get on Tsukiko's nerves. In a way, she'd quickly become Tsukiko's favorite part of every shift. Fumiko would come to drink and vent about her office work, her boyfriends and girlfriends and whatever big happenings were bothering her. In the same way, Tsukiko would vent about her lousy apartment, her shitty neighbors and her incorrigible parents.
Their girl talk had become a pleasant routine, a little moment of peace at the end of every other weeknight.
"Looking good as always, huh?" Fumiko teased. "A sight for sore eyes."
"Thanks." Tsukiko laughed weakly, never able to take a compliment.
"Seriously, you gotta tell me where the manager gets those outfits. Even the other bartenders look snazzy as hell." Fumiko joked.
Tsukiko was wearing her usual uniform, a purple black pencil skirt and vest with a white formal button-up shirt. Beneath that, a pair of transparent black pantyhose and high heels. Her hair fell loose onto her shoulders. The manager was very particular about how her employees dressed.
In a way, the outfit was the second best part of the job for her. No matter how hard she fought her urges, Tsukiko was still vain to her core, and she loved wearing things that made her look good. Even if the skirt "hugged her ass" like the sleazier customers would tell her. She didn't care. Looking good liberated her, or rather, it didn't. It just felt right, for some reason. Fumiko's kind words helped.
"Dressing well and talking fast are basically required for this kind of job." Tsukiko explained to her.
"Yeah, figures." Fumiko laid her head on the counter. "Do you think I could work here?"
"Can you keep your cool around drunk strangers?" Tsukiko asked.
"Not too well..." Fumiko lowered her voice. "I can't handle drunks."
"Me neither." Tsuki gave her a mischievous smile. "But here, I can cut off their supply whenever I want."
Fumiko laughed at first, but the joy on her face faded. She looked away from Tsukiko, putting her hand under her chin as her eyes went down and forward.
"You want something to drink?" Tsukiko offered.
Fumiko looked up at her and gave her the nicest look she could muster. "Yeah. The usual."
Tsukiko'd mixed Fumiko the same drink probably hundreds of times before. She'd mixed it so many times that making it had become second nature. Fumiko liked her drinks light and sour and bubbly, something to 'pick her up' as she'd always so eloquently described. She always ordered sours mixed in grapefruit or lemon or lime, always something that made Tsukiko's mouth water just thinking about it.
Tsukiko finished the mix and slid it over to Fumiko. "Here."
Fumiko took a sip of her drink, closing her eyes and letting out a quiet squeal as she drank, before finally speaking. "Ahh, you know me so so well."
"I'd hope so." Tsukiko let out a proud chuckle. "Getting to know you's half my job."
Fumiko let out a weak, lamentful cry. "Oh, you're the only person who treats me right in the whole wide world."
"You sure?" Tsukiko asked.
"Yeah." Fumiko looked at her. "My dearest ally..."
"What about your boyfriend?" Tsukiko asked. "Weren't you two--"
"I dumped his sorry ass." Fumiko let out a short, hard exhale. "...we're not together anymore."
"Sorry." Tsukiko gave her the usual look of understanding.
"It's fine. It's not your fault or anything. If anything, it's his..." Fumiko frowned. "Sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, like something's wrong with me."
"Nothing's wrong with you." Tsukiko assured her.
"Something's wrong." Fumiko sighed. "I've got such shit luck with this."
"Look on the bright side. You're back in the sea of opportunity. Lots of fish." Tsukiko comforted her. "You're more likely to find something better if you look for it. Sometimes you gotta hop between things before you find the one for you. Love, jobs, same thing."
"Don't tell me you're quitting." Fumiko gave her a pitiful look.
Of course, it felt impossible to tell Fumiko the truth. The two of them were close, but not that close, just casual friends, or something. Tsukiko couldn't tell her how badly she thought about quitting her job and just disappearing. She couldn't tell her how familiar that spinning wheels sentiment felt to her. Tsukiko feared being honest with her, feared ruining what they had.
"Nothing like that." Tsukiko shook her head. "Just something I read in a magazine once."
"You've been through a lot of jobs too, huh?" Fumiko took a sip of her drink. "Do you like working here?"
"...yeah." Tsukiko shrugged. "It's fun, for the most part."
"Talking to you's the best part of drinkin' here." Fumiko laughed a little.
"Thanks." Tsukiko smiled back.
"Y'know." Fumiko Nakano gave her a sly smile. "It's a shame you don't swing my way."
"What do you mean by that?" Tsukiko talked a little faster than usual.
"You know..." Fumiko's voice meandered around. "I've never heard you share any interest in girls. I don't think you'd like me that way."
Tsukiko seized her chance, but her heart was pounding out of her chest. "And if I do?"
Fumiko was taken aback at first, but she smiled again. "Is that your way of asking me out?"
Tsukiko forced herself not to back out. "...guess so."
"I wouldn't mind..." Fumiko's cheeks went a little red. "Especially with you."
"When are you free?" Tsukiko stammered.
"Dunno. When do you clock out?" Fumiko kept her eyes focused on Tsukiko.
"...Thirty minutes." Tsukiko felt dread wash over her.
Fumiko laughed a little. "Sooner than I thought. Alright. Meet me in the alley in thirty?"
"Y-yeah. Absolutely." Tsukiko's hands were shaking.
Tsukiko shuddered because she hadn't felt the warmth of another human being in a long, long time. Of course, anything between them now would be casual. Drinks and a movie, maybe. Maybe it'd be food, something light, since it'd be quite late in the night.
Still, her mind wandered. What if Fumiko really did like her. What if they kissed? What if they went back to her place and had sex? When was the last time Tsukiko had kissed someone, or done anything like that with them? She couldn't remember. She was practically a virgin. Her mind was like a hazy fog. She was sure she was experienced, but it didn't feel like she was.
The stupid smile on her face wiped away any doubts or concerns she had. Her mind reminded her of the worst case scenarios, but her heart reminded her of the best. She thought she was delusional, but she didn't want to be sane.
"Tsukiko." The man at her side called out to her. "Tsukiko."
Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.
"Yeah?" Tsukiko turned to him.
"Where did the manager go, anyway?" He asked again.
"...dunno." Tsukiko admitted. "I don't think she told me."
"Then what were you two talking about earlier?" The man pressed.
"...does it matter?" Tsukiko couldn't recall, so she made up some excuse. "It's business related talk, that's it."
Seriously. Tsukiko couldn't remember what the hell she'd just talked to the manager about. Depression was one miserable disease that seemed to turn the center of her brain into a black mushy hole of slop that couldn't be forced to form a single useful memory. She was too busy thinking about going down on some girl to think about whatever business her boss was up to.
Her thoughts wandered around again, her hands back to polishing the glass she'd been polishing before. Her thoughts wandered to her alcoholic father who couldn't be bothered to care about her, and to her mother, who had all but given up on her after the first time she'd found Tsukiko's body splayed on the floor of her apartment, doped up on enough sleeping pills to kill a horse. It was a miracle she was still standing there. In hindsight, working in a bar probably wasn't a great place for her to be.
"Hey." That bastard sitting at the bar was starting to get annoying. "Are you okay, Tsukiko?"
"Whuh?" Tsukiko couldn't get her damn words out.
"You're not your usual self tonight." The man continued. "You're all... spaced out. It's not cuz of that girl, cuz you've been staring at that damn neon sign all night."
"...a lot on my mind." Tsukiko committed the grave sin of lying by omission.
"...something's wrong." The man said, but then chose not to elaborate.
Something was always wrong. If it weren't for the manager's nagging, Tsukiko would open up a bottle of whisky and start drinking too. Hell, she might get drunk enough to start dancing for the few bastards sitting at the booths too. They'd probably like that. It'd be the most exciting thing that'd ever happened in that shithole, right?
Fumiko wouldn't want to see that, though. Fumiko cared. Fumiko was nice and warm and smelled like Versace perfume, white grapes and fruity. Tsukiko wanted to make fuck with her. Holding her would be good enough too, maybe making out. Anything. Anything at all.
Tsukiko was so excited, and yet so anxious, that she was practically vibrating. She paced in place, her right hand balling up, then going loose, over and over, her bones cracking slightly each time. The man in the stool in front of her looked up at her from his beer and cocked his head.
"Are you scared?" The man's lips curled.
Normally, Tsukiko wouldn't want to answer any personal questions, and a personal question was basically anything she didn't feel like answering about herself, anything even vaguely embarrassing. Something told her, though, that talking to him would make the time go faster. He might even have something insightful to say. After all, he'd probably been in love once, right?
"...wouldn't anyone?" Tsukiko tried not to sound pathetic.
"You're honest with her, right?" The man comforted her. "Should be easy for you."
"Easy?"
"Yeah." The man nodded. "You two get along real well already."
"...I mean, yeah." Tsukiko hesitated. "...but I can still mess things up."
The man looked up at her. "All you have to do is have a good time with her. Honest. That's what every girl wants."
"...thanks." Tsukiko sighed. "Sorry about tonight, my mind's been--"
The man tried to comfort her. "Something's wrong. I understand. You're only human."
Without another word, Tsukiko poured him another beer and slid it over to him. It was the only real way she could thank him. That, and she didn't want to feel like she'd come out losing.
"It's on me." Tsukiko offered.
The man smiled and took the glass from her.
The rest of Tsukiko's shift was easier than the previous few hours, just pouring out a few beers, mixing an occasional drink, the cheapest ones they could get, and taking a few more words of wisdom from her half-drunken elder. Her anxiety didn't get any better, but she could at least focus again, and imagine all the wonderful things that would happen to her, even if they all felt outlandish and unrealistic.
When the young man who was meant to replace her when her shift ended arrived, she explained the situation to him and he graciously let her leave as soon as possible. The older man at the bar waved her out and gave her a smile and a thumbs up as Tsukiko went into the back of the bar, grabbed her coat and got out through the rear exit, into the back alley.
---
Tsukiko waited by the back door of that fine establishment for a few minutes, the coat weighing her down but keeping her body warm, though the cold still stung her face. The back alley was dark, leaving anything in shadow as a black blob, but the light of the city lit up the snow at her feet. At the far end, she saw Fumiko's shape striding toward her, her boots knocking with each step.
"There you are." Fumiko got close.
Her body was practically pressed up against Tsukiko's. It was a new sensation, or one that she hadn't felt in years and years. Tsukiko's first instinct was to recoil and shudder, but she forced herself not to.
From that close, Tsukiko could see that Fumiko's nose had started to turn red, but she still had that same earnest smile on her face. Her gloved hand reached out and clutched Tsukiko's. The sensation was starting to overwhelm her.
"So, what're we up to?" Fumiko teased. "Wanna go catch a movie or something?"
"I..." Tsukiko hesitated. "I dunno."
"Something wrong?" Fumiko asked.
"S-Sorry." Tsukiko shook her head. "I haven't done something like this in a long time."
"Huh?" Fumiko looked at her.
Fumiko looked at her with a confusing, semi-blank expression. Tsukiko couldn't tell if it was concern, or pity or disgust, or whatever. It was just something that lingered too long in her mind, something that made her panic.
"You're lonely, aren't you?" Fumiko wrapped an arm around her.
"Yeah." Tsukiko couldn't lie to her.
"C'mere." Fumiko wrapped both her arms around Tsukiko.
Fumiko was about a full head shorter, so hugging her felt awkward, but Tsukiko wasn't about to lose the opportunity. She felt warm and soft in her grasp, though not like she'd expected. Tsukiko longed to move her hands lower and feel Fumiko's waist and hips in her hands, but she wouldn't dare do it. She was a coward and a pervert.
"I can hear your heart." Fumiko's gentle laugh was muffled under Tsukiko's coat. "It's beating like crazy."
"...I'm just not used to this kind of thing." Tsukiko muttered.
"You're shaking like crazy." Fumiko laughed again, a kind laugh.
Fumiko pulled away from her. Tsukiko wasn't ready to let it end. Their eyes met.
"Feeling better?" Fumiko looked up at her.
"I think."
"Maybe that'll loosen you up." Fumiko's smile slowly faded. "You don't think I get lonely too?"
Tsukiko doubted her. How could Fumiko ever truly know? It wasn't just about physical warmth, it was a deep alienation, a foundational lack of love that made her doubt all the good things in her life. She'd forgotten how to be a person, a human. She felt like a mannequin that'd come alive.
Yet, Tsukiko didn't want to doubt her. The girl standing in front of her made her laugh, made her forget how awful people could be. Fumiko made her feel special, and made Tsukiko understand why people were meant to feel special.
"I know how it feels." Fumiko sighed.
"Thanks." Tsukiko choked out the only thing she could think to say.
Fumiko stepped back. "Do you think we could take it slow tonight?"
"Why?" Tsukiko asked.
"It's... I already know you pretty well. We don't have to do that whole song and dance..." Fumiko looked at Tsukiko. "We've had a dozen first dates, when you think about it."
A dozen? The look on her face wasn't the pitiful look Tsukiko'd expected, but a frown had taken her lips.
"Truth is..." Fumiko put on a weak smile. "I liked holding you like that."
Tsukiko felt a knot form in her throat.
"Anyway, let's get outta here." Fumiko said. "It's cold out. Let's head someplace warm. Conbini?"
"Yeah." Tsukiko nodded, stepping forward to take the lead.
Fumiko put her arm under Tsukiko's, pressing her face into her shoulder. Tsukiko was instantly conscious of her weight and her warmth. Every time she moved, Tsukiko would shudder. She cursed herself for being so touch starved she'd forgotten how to cope.
Someone Tsukiko hadn't noticed at first, a man in ragged clothes, approached the two of them as they took their first steps.
"Hey." The man stumbled forward, a knife edge sparkling in the dull light. "Hand it over."
"Hand what over?" Tsukiko stepped up.
"Your money." The man spoke. "Hand it over."
"We don't want any trouble, honest." Fumiko spoke first. "Just let us go, okay?"
"No." The man grunted, jabbing the knife forward.
Tsukiko would've been scared any other time, but some kind of anger took her. The man looked weak, easily overpowered. In that moment, it felt like she'd done it a million times, like she knew exactly what she needed to do to dismantle that bastard.
She hadn't picked a fight since high school, that time some snarky bitch took her school bag and Tsukiko beat her so bad she covered the girl's blouse in blood from a broken nose. Even after all those years, the urge had never truly left her. She'd always fantasized about grabbing some poor sod, one of those bastards from the booths at the bar, and wailing on him till he couldn't move. This was her chance.
Fumiko reached into her jacket, pulling out her wallet while tugging on Tsukiko's sleeve. She urged her to do the same, but Tsukiko'd gone deaf with rage. The absolute gaul that fucking idiot had to try to mug her when she was trying to have a good time. For once in her life, Tsukiko was going to feel good and this street trash, this worthless urchin wanted to rain on her parade. Remorse left her.
In frustration, the man moved his knife forward, and Fumiko screamed. Tsukiko pulled her back and let out all her pent up rage at once.
Tsukiko stepped forward and kicked him in the groin as hard as she could. He only let out a short yelp as he doubled over in pain. Tsukiko kicked him again in the leg, nearly knocking him down, then another kick to his head. His body stiffened with that last blow, the knife falling out of his hand. Tsukiko stepped up, grabbed it, then threw it onto a nearby rooftop.
When it was done, Tsukiko's ears were ringing hard. She couldn't feel anything. Then, she was dizzy and nauseous. She turned back to Fumiko, who was still standing.
"Oh my god!" Fumiko moved forward and grabbed Tsukiko. "You got him!"
Tsukiko pushed her away, then started pawing at Fumiko's stomach. Fumiko was too flustered to speak. Tsukiko had this horrible feeling in her gut as she looked around for a big blood stain that never came.
"Something's wrong." Tsukiko muttered.
"I'm fine!" Fumiko slapped Tsukiko's arms away. "I'm fine. Really."
Tsukiko let out a trembling sigh. "Thank god."
Fumiko leaped up and wrapped her arms around Tsukiko. Tsukiko was once again hit by a million sensations at once, enough to overwhelm her.
"Screw the conbini." Fumiko whispered. "We need to get back to my place."
"Huh?" Tsukiko didn't quite understand.
"No way I'm walking to a store after that." Fumiko's voice was a little ragged. "Take me home, okay?"
"We can go back inside–"
"No."
"...alright."
As Tsukiko took the first few steps forward, something struck her like a truck, a thought that had wandered and spiraled out of control. She led Fumiko out of the alley and out to Sapporo's streets, the snow reflecting the LED and neon light and various colors of the world. Tsukiko raised her hand and stopped.
In a second, Tsukiko turned and practically pinned Fumiko against the bar's front door.
Fumiko shuddered in her grasp. "What's wrong?"
"...something is wrong." Tsukiko looked at her, her eyes just as beautiful as they'd always been.
"I'm fine. Really." Fumiko insisted. "I'd be bleeding--"
"No." Tsukiko shook her head. "All of this. I'm not from here. Neither are you."
"What do you mean?" Fumiko looked up at her.
Tsukiko couldn't cope with the snow, it wasn't something she was used to seeing so much of. She felt like a fish out of water. She wasn't a good bartender either, but she for sure knew Fumiko's eyes. She was warm, like she'd always been.
"I've known you for years, Fumi." Tsukiko leaned forward. "That wasn't my first time holding you, I've held you, I've kissed you, I've made love to you, countless times."
Fumiko went quiet, her eyes darting away, but her cheeks went a deep red.
"I remember the day you told me you loved me. That wasn't a date, you were comforting me after Mom and Dad broke up." Tsukiko scoffed. "God. If it weren't for you, I'd've been dead."
"Tsuki--"
"I know you. I know myself. None of this is me." Tsukiko teared up. "I'm not a bartender. I'm..."
"The adrenaline got to me too." Fumiko chuckled.
"No, it's..." Tsukiko laughed too. "Maybe this is coming on strong, but... in any world, any place... I'll do my best to keep you safe. Okay?"
"Y-yeah." Fumiko went all meek. "I know you will."
Tsukiko leaned forward to kiss her and Fumiko surrendered to her approach.
Tsuki then woke up. It took her a few moments to remember that she wasn't a bartender in Sapporo, fighting off a brutal winter. Back in reality, Tsukiko was still trapped in Tokyo's miserable summer heat, but she wasn't home and she wasn't a Knight anymore either.
What hadn't changed, was that Nakano Fumiko's body was still pressed against hers. Fumi's arms were wrapped around her as she snored quietly, with her head in Tsukiko's chest, muttering in her sleep.