It's hard to know when I'm awake or asleep. Sometimes I'm in my hospital bed and everything feels hazy and distant. Other times I'm in my old room or eating around the table with my friends and it all seems so sharp and vivid. I have been losing track and getting more confused lately about what is going on. At rare times it is clear and I remember. It drifts away from me just like waking from a dream.

Right now it's very vivid and I find myself afraid again. I'm in a hospital and I'm dying at the age of 33. I have cancer but not any of the common types you would hear about. I never smoked and rarely drank. I tended to take okay care of myself though I could have spared to lose a few more pounds. It wasn't until I collapsed one day I ever knew anything was wrong.

I was young and healthy and have skimped out on my doctor visits. Not that they would have caught it or sure. I suppose grabbing me down there and telling me to cough was good for finding out somethings. but lung cancer? I doubt it. Maybe if I did more cardio I would've noticed. They told me after the fact shortness of breath was an early warning sign. Not that it matters now.

I was already stage 4 before it was caught. They were aggressive and tried everything they could but after 6 months I saw the writing on the wall. I Tried some elective experimental treatments and got another round. of chemo Most people probably would've figured it was hopeless and enjoyed their last few months (a year tops). I was too determined. I gave it a try. It failed but at least I knew I tried everything.

Lucky I didn't have much close family (or unluckily in another sense) so I wouldn't be hurting too many people with my exit. I knew the time was close now. I wondered if I would be aware of it and coherent or I’d be in a nice little slumber when it happened. I really don't know which it was to be honest. The last thing I remember that I think was real was that I was pointing at a nurse. I guess I was asking for something but it's hard to remember what I wanted.

After that is got fuzzy again and I was in the fog as I got to calling it. Then it was white. Then black. Then white again. I can't see but I can definitely feel my body. This bed suddenly got uncomfortable. Maybe I should tell them to up the morphine. I hope they understand me this time. It usually comes out as babble and then I forget what it was I wanted.

“Hello there. Hey wake up already! So you died a little while ago, there's no need to make such a big deal out of it. I need you to wake up and pay attention. I have some very important things to tell you!”

“Leave me alone, get the doctor. I want morphine. This bed hurts.” The next thing I felt is a kick to the ass and suddenly I opened my eyes.

“How dare you kick me! I'm sick and dying. How can you be so... wait. Who are you? Where am I? I... I feel really good. What the fuck is going on!” I sit up and take stock of my situation. First comes my body. My breath comes easy. My arms and legs feel strong. I stand up and walk around a bit. There are no tubes or needle holes anywhere. Then I remembered what this girl said.

“You said I died didn't you?”

“Yes, that is absolutely correct. You are now officially deceased. Don't get too hung up on titles though.” She was a young girl. At least I think she was a girl and young. She had jet black hair and skin so pale it was nearly white. Her eyes were red and bright. That may sound scary but it felt like it was a bit of a Christmas red and she had a jolly carefree look on her face.

“So I'm dead. Does that mean you're god and this is the afterlife?” I wasn't a religious person. At best I would say I was a agnostic but it would be more apt to say I honestly never really thought about it. No, not even as I was dying as strange as that may sound. If there was a god I had certain impression of what he, or perhaps more accurately it, may be like. This was not what I was expecting.

“Well, I'm a goddess, but as for what you would term to be God or an afterlife I've no idea. I'm glad you asked in any case because this what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, I'm goddess of Melville. Maybe it's more accurately to say the people of Melville. I suppose it would be easiest to explain it as a reality that exist along side yours. The people worship me and their worship sustains my existence. In turn I watch over them. It's a mutually good situation don't you think?”

Even though her words were clear and I understood them this was all a bit much. I wasn't sure if it was just my mind playing tricks on me or not. I looked at my arm and gave it a pinch it hurt.   Maybe I was just imagining it hurting.  If I really went crazy the mind can do funny  things to you i suppose.  I took my left foot and stomped on the toys of my right foot.  It felt like I might have broke something It hurt so much.  I left my feet and fell on my ass holding the ankle of my stomped foot begging the pain to pass soon.

"What do you think you're doing?  You're a rather strange one.  Are you perhaps one of the masochist I hear about? I have to let you I know I am not really into that kind of thing and even if I was we don't have the time for it anyway."

I whimpered in pain.  "I was trying to wake up from this delusion.  It seems I've gone crazy and i'm now seeing crazy things that can't possibly be there.   I mean do you expect me to believe you're a goddess that has brought me here."

"Yes, it's the truth.  Just listen to what I say for now and then decide for yourself. Soon you will see this isn't a trick or delusion.  Trust me."

My foot started to feel better and i dared to stand on it.   "Fine, let's say it is true.  There is a question that needs to be asked in that case.  Why would it be so.  I mean, assuming I am dead what would I be doing here with you?"

“Well this is a great chance to explain why you're here. Though I'm a goddess, I'm not all powerful. Like I said, I'm not a god in the way you would usually think of. I do have a few abilities and I'm able to use them at times to benefit my people. You see, just before I summoned you something horrible happened. Every worshiper I had has died. It would be more accurate to say they were murdered.”

“What? Everyone died? How did it happen? Some kind of natural disaster or perhaps the sun exploded or a virus?”

“No, I'm afraid they suffered a worse fate than that. It was the demons who rose up from their lairs under the surface of the earth. They along with a rag tag group of other enemies to humanity and its allies have slaughtered everyone man, woman and child and taken the world as their own. Some of them got to die fast. Demons and Goblins are creatures that enjoy to torture, rape and play with their food when possible...”

I didn't need her to say anymore. The look on her face told me the whole story. “I'm sorry to hear about all this. So now what happens to you?”

“Well if I do nothing I will eventually fade away. Maybe it's what I deserve for failing to help my worshipers. I did all I could but it seems my efforts weren't enough. Still there's hope. I've yet to play my last and most powerful card! I'm not a goddess for nothing!” Her smile was back on her face. Wide and playful.

“But you just said they're all dead. What can you possibly do now?”

“Well isn't it obvious? I will turn back time many years into the past and give them a 2nd chance to fight. However. even if I do that if nothing changes and it'll be the exact same outcome. But that's what you're here for!” Her young red eyes now locked on me and I saw an age and knowing in them that was not that of a little girl at all.

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“Well, I am still trying to process all this but I guess in the end you are giving me a 2nd shot at life right?” I paused as I considered this. Sure there was a chance I would be torn to pieces in a few years but that was better than maybe nothing at all. Then something occurred to me.

“Why me? Surely you have heroes who are very strong you would rather reincarnate and fight wouldn't you?” It seems the obvious thing to do to me. Surely someone who was already experienced with day to day life in this world would be the better choice wouldn't they?”

“I'm afraid that isn't possible. I can't change a life already lived. I can only change a new life and a new existence. This is why it had to be someone else from outside my reality. As for why it was you...That is honestly more a matter of dumb luck I suppose. I decided it would have the best effect to turn time as far back as I possibly could to give whoever I sent the most time to change things. In the case the furthest I could turn back time was 33 year 4 months 13 days 4 hours 32 minutes and 17 seconds.”

As I did the math in my head it became very clear to me. I was 33 years old. My birthday was 4 months and 13 days ago. I didn't know the exact time I died but those probably lined up as well. “So does that mean you plan to turn back my life the same amount of time as the time you did in this world?”

“That is exactly correct. You are pretty sharp I see. Yes. In a few minutes you will go from here to be born. Before that happens I want to talk to you first about a few things you should know. First off I would love to give you some great skill or power that would make you able to defeat the demons. Unfortunately I'm unable to do that.”

“Wait, you're telling me that it's my job to change all this and you aren't going to be able to give me any special power to do that? How the hell am I suppose to do anything?” This was insane. I read a few stories like these in the past. Wasn't the reincarnated character suppose to have some special power or ability to allow him to change the future? So basically was she just sending me there to die along with her people.

She gave me a sour expression. I think I might have hurt her feelings. “I would if I could you know. It isn't like I don't want to help my people but like I told you before. I can only use my power in certain ways. I'm not all powerful. I think turning back time over 33 years is pretty impressive!” She gave a little pout. The way she seemed to go back and forth between child and wise women was something to see. In the end I had more pressing concerns.

“So is there anything you can do to help me?” It sounded a bit more desperate than I hoped it would. I certainly didn't want to become demon or goblin food in another 33 years.

“Of course but I need you to come closer to get it.” I was puzzled but I walked closer to her. She curled her finger for me to come a little closer. She did it again. Now I was less than a foot away from her. With no warning she gave me a hard slap on the forward. I felt a large impact and flew backward. /If I was still alive such a blow would have killed me I think.

“What the hell was that for?” I felt pain in my head but no blood. I wondered if I could bleed right now. Probably not I suppose.

“That's my gift to you. I can't give you strength or amazing magical ability but I can give you the knowledge of what I have seen. It will take a few years to really seep in but you will just be a baby at that point so it isn't like you'll be able to accomplish much anyway. In the end you will know of several major events that will happen. Particularly about the attack of the demons and what was done. I only hope it's enough to save my people.”

So my gift was to be this huh? Well I suppose it wasn't too bad. I would just have to figure out a way to make it work for me. I wondered how much I would learn about this strange place when I got all of the knowledge she gave me.

“Well, I wish we could talk more but our time is almost up. Soon you'll be born and start your new life. You will be completely conscious for all of those early memories I'm afraid. Try to not worry about. As for me I'll try to communicate with you when I can if at all possible but don't count on that. This has drained all my power and for the next 50 years or so I'll be nothing but on onlooker.”

She smiled but I saw the sadness in her eyes. Not for the loss of her powers for a little while but knowing she would be powerless to help her people and that it's all come down to this. “I'll be watching you closely. While my existence depends on you succeeding I hope you can do it even more for my people.”

I felt my body start to fade as she smiled at me. “Remember, nothing's more important than defeating the demons. Do whatever you must in that duty! I hope we get to see each other again! If this works and you're still alive in 50 years I promise to pay you a visit!”

With that everything went white. I felt cold and wet and I couldn't see anything. Everything felt sensitive and I was tired. I found I couldn't breath. There was something stuck in my throat and lungs. I tried to get it out but it felt deep. I was turned face downward and there was a light pat on my back and butt. I coughed and it all came out. The cold air filled my lungs and it hurt so much I cried.

It felt like my lungs were being invaded by something foreign. After a minute it began to feel okay and I could breath steadily again. I felt myself being cleaned off. Then I remembered what happened. I was just with that goddess. This feeling and the large hands holding me and moving me. I must have been just born. Soon I felt clean and was wrapped in a blanket. I heard the voices now.

“He's so beautiful isn't he? He is the most beautifully thing I've ever seen!” So at least I was still a boy. That's good. In the back of my mind I was worried about being born a women and if I could adjust to that. I wondered if it was on purpose or just chance. In any case I was definitely relieved. I felt tired though. I felt the person who I think was my new mother hold me close to her as I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke I don't know how much time had passed but I was able to open my eyes a bit. Everything was bright and I had to do it slowly. They were eyes that had never seen light before. I was unable to see anything for a few minutes. Then it all started to become very clear. I couldn't move my head or limbs much but at least I could see.

I was in what looked to be a cabin. At least it would have been called that in my world. I really knew nothing about this place yet. The knowledge the goddess promised me hadn't come so I decided to just listen and think about what would be best to do. The only things I knew where that in 33 years nearly everyone would be dead or dying. Once I knew when and where the invasion started I would be able to make more plans about how to deal with.

Obviously I would need to learn to fight and use weapons as best I could. Assuming I had no magical ability that would only take me so far. Even an incredibly skilled fighter could only do so much alone. This place no doubt had many skilled fighters and none of them likely made a difference. Even if I did become the best it would probably be only by a hair. Very unlikely to turn the balance in a war.

No, I would need to try something else. What I needed was power. My own would not be enough probably so what to do? The answer presented itself to me instantly. Obviously I would need to borrow the power of other people and use it at the perfect times in the perfect spots. But how? If I were a king I could do such a thing easily. Did this place have kings or did people vote? I clearly needed more information.

Then a piece of information came to me. Yes, this place did indeed have kings and queens. Many of them in fact. I was able to recall the names and appearance of a few even. I recalled now they fought a great deal before the invasion and weakened each other. When the invasion happened many stubbornly didn't try to band together until it was too late. What a bunch of fools! I wondered if it would be possible for me to become a king and take command of those armies.

I don't think it is. From what I could currently recall about these kings and queens, it was all about blood line. No commoner had ever become a king since the first kings. It seemed that was the only thing they could all agree on. Yes dukes and the rich could sometimes marry a princess and princ but no one in the main lines. Yes that blood would sometimes work its way back into the main lines but only long after their deaths. It kept too much inbreeding from happening but they probably didn't think that deeply about it.

If being a king myself was out then how would I be able to change things? There was only way. I would need to have kings and queens that acted the way I wanted them to. That were willing to listen to my advise and warnings about invasions. That would band together and fight when the time came. In short I would need to be a kingmaker. Someone who was able to get the people in power I wanted. I've heard the term before but never gave thought to the people who tried to do it.

I guess I would just have to figure it out as I went. I only had so much time to do it in. Hopefully as I learned more and more about this time it would give me the edge I needed. I wondered how big this world was. How many kings and queens there were exactly. How could I possibly accomplish such a thing. Bur there was no other way forward but this for me if I hoped to succeed.

I was able to lift my arms slight and for the first time see my hands. My perfect, pink, soft, clean hands. I wondered how dirty and bloody I would need to get them to accomplish what I needed. In the future my hands wouldn't be so clean. The need to beat the demons is all that mattered. I had to be willing to advance or remove anyone to accomplish that.

Isn't this how much of history and change starts? A baby of no consequence is born to some random unimportant parents. Then in the years to come empires built by kings that lasted for generations crumble. Then new ones are built even stronger than before that will never fall. Until a baby of no consequence is born again.