I’ve been called many things in my life; bastard, soldier, bum, useless drunk… but never a hero. So you can imagine my surprise when I wake up to some weird priest saying “are you awake sir hero?” I could’ve sworn I passed out in an alley but for some reason I was inside an odd looking building. It almost looked like the inside of a castle with the stone brick walls and torches everywhere. There was also an odd design on the floor that was glowing this faint blue color. It kinda looked like one of those weird satanic pentagram things but blue instead of red. In reality, none of this mattered to me at all because I just woke up to the most horrific hangover.

A weird looking chick dressed in some sorta witch outfit that was standing behind the priest dude suddenly spoke up “sir hero I’m sure you’re awfully confused about your current situation but please allow us to explain.” She spoke very softly.

“Did I end up at a fuckin comicon? What are you supposed to be, some kind of witch?”

“Ye-yes sir hero I am the resident witch of the Shiodra Kingdom” she meekly replied.

“Who the hell is this ‘sir hero’ guy you keep mentioning?”

“That is y-”

“Actually wait… I’m kinda confused, where am I right now? Is this like a cult or something?”

“No sir hero, I assure you our motives are pure!”

The priestly fellow chimed in once more, his tone far more resolute than this “witch” girl. “All will be explained if you just follow us to the throne room” he continued. Ah fuck it.. I figured, they said they would explain all this shit so no point in not following them. By this point it was easy to figure out that I was this “sir hero” guy they kept mentioning but I don’t know what gave them that Idea. By all accounts I’m sure I looked far more like a homeless drunk than any kind of hero.

I followed the priest and weird witch chick through the exit of the room into a massive corridor that supposedly led to a king. Everyone around me was dressed in weird fantasy shit and almost all of them were carrying swords or spears. I saw one or two people carrying weird staves like the witch chick but honestly I wasn’t paying that much attention.

The two gigantic wooden doors to the throne room slowly creeped open revealing a ridiculously ornate room. Almost Everything metal in the room was seemingly made from gold including the giant throne. It was a genuinely ridiculous sight. Even the dozen or so armoured guards were wearing fully golden armour. But something seemed kinda off. The throne was humongous, as if it was made for some sort of giant but the guy sitting in it couldn’t be farther from one. He seemed pretty young, probably in his 20's, with long flowing platinum blonde hair and bright golden eyes. It was kinda hard to tell if he was a man or a woman honestly. He was wearing normal enough clothes(compared to what all the weirdo’s around here are wearing anyways) but he had a dazzling gold crown.

“Ahem…” walking out from the shadows, a young man with oddly shaped ears appeared. He looked sorta like a court jester with the baggy clothes and small instrument on his back. He continued “By decree of King Edmaralis Midas Phrygia III You the hero Have been summoned to this world to subjugate the evil demon King and all of his compatriots. Upon successful eradication of the demon race any and all of your wishes will be granted. That is all, you may take your leave now.”

“Huh? What do you mean by ‘summoned'?’”

Almost immediately as the words left my mouth the priest grabbed me by the wrist with an oppressive grip. “Yes Sir, I will do so at once” he responded. The priest, still wearing the same beaming smile as before, tightened his grip on my wrist and said “would you please follow me sir hero.”

Whether out of fear for my own well being or desire to figure out what the fuck was going on, I relented to the man and followed. Clearly this was some sort of weird dream but it felt unbelievably real to me. Maybe this was like one of those corny ass books where the protagonist gets summoned to fight monsters or save a princess. Ah shit.. I hope that’s not what this is… the more I thought about it the more it sank in. That’s fuckin ridiculous…

I was forcefully led into a room adjacent to the throne room. It was a lot more shabby than the throne room, lots of books and parchments and one fat crystal ball sitting on a table in the center of the room. “Sir hero, if you’d please gently place your hand upon this crystal ball” the young witch chick said in the weird whispered tone she speaks in.

“Nah I’m good”

“Please there’s no danger in it”

“Nah that’s fine, where’s the exit by the way?”

Before I could even turn to leave my hand was ripped toward the crystal ball. I turned to look at who grabbed me and ofcourse standing there was the priest with his still beaming smile. “You really need to chill dude.” he really did need to chill. After about a second of having my hand on the crystal ball the colours inside started to change and swirl. When they finally settled a small red blob of goo concentrated in the middle of the crystal. I looked up towards the magic chick and said “what’s that mean?”

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“Ah, yet another failure it seems” the priest responded instead. That almost eerie smile completely disappeared from his face and he looked at me with an all too familiar expression. Disdain, hatred, disgust, whatever you want to call it, it’s all the same in the end. I’ve never really known anything different so I can’t say I was all that surprised by the look, but I was kinda confused. “Put him with the rest,” the priest ordered. “Huh? What is go- goin…” before the words could even leave my mouth everything went black.

I awoke to chanting “Fresh meat! Fresh meat! Fresh meat!” Looking around it was pretty clear I was in a jail of some sort, though a badly maintained one that had been crudely carved out from stone. “My god that’s annoying” I said, completely exhausted and confused by everything going on. This was a pretty shitty way to start the day if you ask me.

It was very dark in this prison so I couldn’t really see anything all too well, but I could tell just from sound that I wasn’t alone in this cell. “Who’s there?” I asked, now extremely on guard. “heheHaHaHaHAHAHA” downright maniacal laughter rang out from the corner of my cell. “Never mind…” I didn’t know what that was and I’m pretty sure I wanted to keep it that way.

After a couple minutes the chanting died down and my eyes began adjusting to the dark but I honestly wish they didn’t. In the corner of my cell sat a man… well I don’t know if that word could be used for what I was seeing. The man had no limbs and his skin was a nasty purple color with scars covering every inch of what was left of his body.

Look I know, judge lest ye be judged but damn. I mean was not what you'd call pretty. I had my fair share of scars, that mixed with my long matted down hair didn’t make for the best portrait. Not to mention I hadn’t really showered in the past few… weeks. Still I looked better than him at least. “Are you alright man?”

I was met with only the same maniacal laughter as before but this time it was the whole prison laughing. “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” of course I got no response other than laughter. I tried talking to people a few more times that night but their responses never changed.

So I waited for the morning to come. At Least I think it was the morning, it was pitch black in the prison so I couldn’t really tell the time. Suddenly every unlit torch in the room lit up with a burst of flame and the witch chick along with about 25 guards came marching down the stone stairway. Something about her seemed a little different to me though. The vibe she gave off was completely different, nothing like the shy girl from before. Something is off… And then she spoke “Listen up you absolute filthy vile pieces of no good shit. LINE UP!! DO YOU HEAR ME!!”

“YES MADAM” Everyone in the prison spoke in unison. Everyone other than me that is. “What’s that? Is there a little rat who ignored my call?”

Ah shit… how was I supposed to know to respond to that?

“Find that little rat and bring it to me!”

Without a moment of hesitation two of the guards marched straight to my cell and dragged me out by my arms. I thought Nah fuck this… and threw a quick right hand at the guard on my left. It made contact! We stopped dead in our tracks. I made contact… but… nothing happened. It didn't even leave a scuff on the dude's face… He slowly turned towards me before absolutely rocking my shit. Now I’m no stranger to fighting, hell I have army combat training, but… this was ridiculous. Not only had I not felt a punch this strong ever in my life. I haven’t felt a punch even slightly close to being as strong as that punch. Needless to say I was knocked the fuck out.

I have a few scattered glimpses of what happened after that. I remember roaring laughter from everyone in the room including guards, prisoners, and even the little magic girl. Certainly not my best moment but not exactly a new low either. After that I heard something about a “pit” which can’t be good. When I woke up I was still seeing butterflies but I couldn’t help but notice my precarious situation. I seemed to be in… well, a pit. It was really more of a whole if you ask me but that’s besides the point. It was like 5 or 6 feet deep and like 2 feet wide. Pretty uncomfortable for a bigger guy like me but I think that was the point. It was intentionally too short for me to stand up straight in and purposefully to narrow to comfortably rest in any other position.

It was pretty shitty but not that bad honestly. The real thing that sucked was the heat. The hole was clearly outside and it was hot as fuck wherever I was. All in all it could’ve been nicer but I've faced similar ordeals in the past and I’m fine now. It’s nothing compared to that week I spent hiding in that barrel in the enemy camp. Those were my thoughts at the time but it only got worse. I figured they’d keep me in there for a day or two max but about 2 and a half days went by before anyone came.

The latch was suddenly ripped open. The sunlight seared my eyes and I could only really make out the vague shape of two people. There was one thing that I could very clearly make out though “Ugh, is it dead?”

“evil magical girl…?”

“What did this filthy fucking magot just call me?”

“I believe he called you an ‘evil magical girl’ madam.”

“I know that you retard, Give him 3 more days if he dies throw him in the heap”

“Yes Madam!”

The heap? ah fuck, 3 more days…? I don’t think I can survive that. This really started to piss me off. I gathered what little moisture was left in my mouth and spit it at the magical girl. DIRECT HIT!!! +100 points! “ha… haHaHAHA...” She laughed like a demon. Hell it almost looked like she was an actual demon to me. “Ah shi-” a pair of size 8 womens boots(don’t ask how I know the size) came flying towards my head. Every kick reverberated through my whole body reminding me of all the pain I had racked till this point.

Honestly I don’t know if it was my life flashing before my eyes or just some good ol reminiscing but the only thing I could think about at this moment was my death. I mean my death on earth, not my clearly inevitable death here. Beaten to death by a couple of thugs I owed money to… Have you ever heard anything more pathetic than that? I have! It’s called the rest of my life hahaha… I don’t know, maybe it’s my fault, maybe I should have been a better person. Maybe this is my opportunity to improve… Nahhhhh, fuck that!